14.01.12

MNLS #5: Help Me Fly

"So then on Saturday?"
"Mhm," I said slowly because I was pretty tired to the last lesson. Moreover, this last lesson was physics. Oh.

In addition, it was the lesson,where Jason sat only a passageway away from me and Chan. And of course, I had a terrible desire to watch him, but if I would have turned randomly, it would be .. Well, I dunno, weird?

Moreover, the Micha did the watching part for me when she saw that I didn't inquire pay attention. She sent another suspicious look (for about the fifth time?) in Jason's direction, so it made me only want more to know what he is doing there.

In order not to arouse suspicion, I turned my head just as much need to give Jason only side-glance.
Seeing this made me every time later same sad like he was.
Jason sat alone behind the table, dunno where all his friends are .. Okay, they stood two tables from him, and chatted. It's like no one even notice him...

If your friend is sitting alone, looking blankly in front of him-/herself, and this glance - if you care enough to go that deep - reflects the sadness and loneliness, what would you do? I would go and talk to him, comforting if necessary.
Guys, I rolled my eyes mentally.

And then suddenly he looked at me. I almost felt how his eyes was absorbing me, absorbing in his sorrow.
How long was I staring?

I turned my glare back to Micha.
"He sits there for a while, either looking at you, then watching away. It is very strange," Micha said in a low voice that no one else can hear (Chantal doesn't count).

"I think he still tries to .. you know .. get over things," Chan raised the eyes from the book.
"I am so sorry for him,"

"Go talk to him," offered Micha.
I raised an eyebrow in her direction. "And what right do I have to do that?"

"Hmm. .. I dunno, you seem to be kinda friends,"
"Mm .. let me think. One time he caught me when I was listening to his guitar play, once in Esperanto, and once after the Olympiad? And so within three months. We are not friends. He's just a classmate who I likes, although shouldn't. "

"Why not?" Chantal said.
"Because we don't have any hope,"

"There is always hope, and don't even try to argue that,"
"Okay, even if there is hope. What if he can somehow find out and says no? Look, I'll stay with him still for 3.5 years in one class."

"But if you already like him .. don't you want to try? I mean, even if you get over him, it will keep haunting you ..." Michelle offered.

"I very much hope that it passes by. As soon as possible. I do not need it now."
"You can never tell you heart what to do," Chan said.

"I know. That's why I ask it,"
"Oh,"

"Do you think it will help?"
"You never know," I shrugged my shoulders. "It's worth trying."

There is always hope, I repeated Chan words in my mind. I was so naive.

***

This day is finally over. I was heading to the cloakroom with the whole class, to finally escape it for at least one day. Fortunately, the next day was Friday.

I put the boots on currently and talked with Chantal about out Saturday plans when I had the feeling that someone was standing behind me. I stood up (because obviously turning around when you're bent over, is not the best idea), turned myself around and ...

"Um ..." was the only thing I could say, because Jason stood just behind me, having shoes bag in one bag and a jacket in another, and his hands were lifted enough that you could call it hugging me. Or harassment.
"Sorry, I just wanted to pass by,"

"Uh .. yes, of course," I replied, backing away, while my face was all red. As soon as Jason was at a safe distance, I turned to Chan and half-whispered, half-hissed: "What, for the devil, it was?"
Chan looked at me laughing out loud. "Oh, do not say you didn't like,"

"Sure, I do not have anything against my harassment,"
She looked me in the eye knowingly.

"Okay, okay, it was .. just unexpected,"
"It seems that you are not the only who likes someone,"

"What? He just tried to pass by,"
"C'mon .. I've heard enough of these excuses,"

I raised a brow. "So you think that ..?"
"Obviously,"

***

"... Come and help me fly,lend me you wings ... "

Oh, see, someone's writing. I sang my favorite song at the moment as the blinking msn window disturbed me. I was busy enough enjoying the song, not to note who was it.

"Yo,"
Jason ... "Hey,"

"'Do you mind rating one of my pictures?" There was also a link added.
Wow, like what? I opened the link, and was about dying. I love wolves, and you just about drawing one? Again, telepathy? "It is very beautiful,"

"Thank you .. these things actually are successful when you're too bothered to learn Esperanto,"
"Is it this hard"

"Not for you. I think you're the best of us. But I don't like it much,"
"Thanks, although I don't think so. But why did you even choose Esperanto? You could, after all, chose Italian. Or nothing at all, it's not neccessary nor,"

"This 'nothing' would sound acceptably, if I knew for sure what I want to study in high school."
"Oh, right, this,"

We talked about different things. Sometimes later I missed those times. Once we got the suitable subject, we could talk for hours ... Pets, music, movies - whatever really.

"Whoa,it's half two," I wrote when the yawning was getting on my nerves, and I finally wanted to know what time it is.
"Oh snap. I usually go to bed at 11. It's a little .. too much,"

"Mnjaa. Okay then, good night,"
"Yeps. Cya,"

This 'cya' at the end there was almost the only time he said a good-bye to me on MSN (when we didn't date)

***






I've landed here somewhere
I don't know who I am anymore
I've lost the memories
The pictures produce no meaning
Bring me back, back home
I can't make it out here alone


Come and help me fly
Lend me your wings
I exchange them for the world
and for all that keeps me back
I exchange them tonight
for everything that I have


Tell me only lies
Make it so I believe them
otherwise I will climb into the air
and this silence makes me deaf.
With only gray walls and no light,
everything here is without me


I don't find myself here again
I don't recognize myself anymore
Come and pull me out of here
I'd give away everything for that
I am nostalgic
and want to go back
I am distanced farther and farther
with every moment

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