MNLS #12: We're not together but you care


Wow. This girl really amazes me. I thought she'll be angry or at least sad but no. It's like all are talking about her personal life and she doesn't even give a shit. At least that's what she shows. But still. She's stronger than I thought. I wish I was that strong.

I know what you'll say. That I actually am. Physically - yes. But mentally? Well .. I guess, too. Maybe stronger than an average person. Being emotionally controlled acquires to be strong. Though, it's a different thing. Emotions are in charge but it's more about feelings. And in that case...

When I firstly heard how they're talking about her personal life (she and Chantal were somewhere away), I got strangely angry. I mean, I never liked gossip and it drove me insane when someone started spreading them, but there was something else. I wanted to make them shut up. Where did they got that right to gossip about here?

I felt that protection instinct in me again.
But why? I couldn't have been .. no, I couldn't have been.
We're again in the same point. I liked Caro, yes, but I also knew I couldn't have been in love with here. Or haven't I?

If talking about that in the future, I wasn't exactly sure when that happened. I only knew I have to pretend. A lot and very long. Of course I had no idea then what will happen in the future.

But what angered me the most, was what Zack was talking.
Did I really say "angered"? Mm...
When before I was talking about silencing people, I meant with words. In Zack's case .. well, let's say, firstly I'd have liked to beat him up, then bury and, if possible, let somekind of bastards in that freaking soil, so they could .. Oh, sorry, got on that horror movies' tune again.

It got me totally mad he could have done smth like that. Yes , he was a cold fish without a heart, but still - why? The answer was pretty easy actually - he wanted fast popularity and a gossip like that was a good way.

Where did I stop? Right. That girl was a tough one.
I'd really like to knew how she got that. She seems fragile from the outside, but is really strong one inside. Not every person is simply that strong. I mean, not everyone would be so immune to that kind of things.

People who like attention would have obviously enjoyed that, and talked about that whenever possible. What Caro did, was ignoring when people started talking about it near her or, when someone asked her face to face, she gave a really sharp answer, without giving out any information.
It must be Micha who taught her that...

We talked everyday in MSN - irl would have been too dangerous -, so I could understand how is she. She seemed to cope with things pretty well, though, she was tired in the end. And of course these convos were good for us to get to know each other.



OMG, seriously. They're still not tired? It' like .. three weeks for now and they're still talking .. Ah, right, not all the nominees are analyzed and discussed.

Not that there were that many nominees, thank you very much. But they still discussed who could it be - Cyle or Jason, Jason or Cyle ?
What was Cyle: he was "hot" (he actually did, but I wasn't interested), popular and all the girls had to be in love with him. Jason was supported by Zack's theory and his mysterious being, 'cause as they had figured out by 1,5 years, I liked mysterious things.

Positive things about it? He talked to me almost every day. In MSN, but still. As I understood, it was a little "masquerade" not to add fuel to the fire
Chantal thought he was also making sure if I'm alright. That he knows the truth - the thing I was one moment so sure about, and the next I was all in doubts - and worries about me.

I didn't know that. Jason was just so .. different and I never knew what he can do next, though, Chan said he's pretty easy to analyze - it's good to own that kind of besties, right? Anyway, it wasn't easy for me. And I didn't knew what this guy - Cassie used that phrase - had in mind. I didn't know if he liked me, if he felt anything for me. But one thing was more than certain - even if he didn't like me romantic way, he kinda wanted to protect me.
Else he wouldn't talk to me, right?

You know what's funny? That I discussed with the guy I felt smth for, what exactly I felt. So it's like, I tell him how things are and he pretends not to know they're all about him. Under the question mark, but 60% of me thinks he knows.

He asked me why I even made that blog and I told him that I wanted that certain person to know, but never wanted to tell him face to face. He said I shouldn't tell if he's a stranger as it - supposedly from his own experience, hell how I'd like to hear more about that - can scare him. I told him then it's not the stranger. Then he said: "You can guess that. You wouldn't leave a mark if he was," So I don't know.

I asked his assumptions and he said he wouldn't tell me. But as I said no one would ever know until I tell them, he answered: "You never know," and once again I was pretty sure he knows.
But it's strange... How can he discuss these things with me when he knows? I mean, he could tell me about him or anything .. maybe he wants me to tell my feelings straightly in his face, so he can be sure? Mm...

Another interesting thing was, when I told him, I don't understand at all why did they offer Cyle, he answered: "They simply take a pretty guy and offer him," Oh, boy, if only you knew what I think of you .. Cyle is nothing compared to you.


It ended quite quickly actually. Zack run out of arguments and the whole things lie aside. In the end Dacid asked me on Friday: "Now tell me who is this lucky one?"

He could see anger in my face for a second, but just for a second as I reminded myself once more that I by myself wanted to play along. I even liked that in some case.
"Why would you even think there's someone?" I tilted my head thoughtfully, challenging him.
"What do you mean? There definitely gotta be someone. Why would you write these things then?"

"Maybe I just write things I want to feel? Or what do you think?"
Cassie was behind David and she showed me thumbs up, as my play was really truthful.
Yess, at least now I know how to pretend pretend. I wasn't sure which were the proportions between sarcasm and truth in this sentence.

"Egh..." As you could have guessed, David's little brain run out of the arguments.
Of course, my dear, you don't have any Zack here, who would tell you what to say. "Right. Anyway, these are just my fantasies, if you'd like to know. You may tell others, too. And you shouldn't have bring Jason in..." I stopped in the middle of the sentence, but David didn't seem to notice - he was thinking 'bout my first three sentences.

"Well, I'll go then," I motioned to Cassie with my head that I'll be waiting for her outside as I needed some fresh air. It was because just mentioning Jason's name sent a wave of heat over my body. It was hard, yes.

When Cassie was outside, she firstly praised my arguments which finally overcame Zack's in her opinion, and added: "When you left, I decided to ask David who he thinks this "mysterious guy" is. At first he was still said it's Cyle, but then I asked straightly if he wanted to be him, and he answered, half-seriously: "Yes," Can you imagine that?"
"Haha, he really did that?"

"I'm totally serious .. Don't you think they-" they = "the popular gang" "-make out with those who are easily to get, but in reality they fall in love with .. girls like we are? You know, who are more or less well-behaved and nerdy,"
I understood what she meant as I was thinking about that by myself a lot. "I believe so, Cassie. Even the players want to actually feel, they're not only after the pleasure,"

"But .. how are you?"
Because of this blog scandal the girls haven't asked about us lately and I didn't importune as I didn't want to be pushy.
"We .. how should I put it. Figures. He seemed to be interesting in things. We discussed them every day,"

"Wait, what? With the one you like about the one you like and what you feel?"
"Kinda. Even though we all thought he knows, he always pretended not to when I wrote about that,"

"Oh, girl friend .. you know how to choose a really wondrous strange guy,"
And this guy was wondrous as well as in the past as in the future.

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