MNLS #13: Why are you so mysterious all the time?
Even though, we talked a lot in MSN, it was still problematic to socialize at school. Not only because of that blog scandal. I was just too damn cowardly and as it came out in the future, he was, too. But I didn't know it then, so let's skip from here.
Chantal encouraged me all the time to say at least "hey" to him, but .. agh, I don't know. Nonetheless, I was such a coward, I understood very well how stupid it was. I mean, one "hey" is nothing special, right? Although, if you are in love, you understand how hard it is, to make the "first move".
Being more exact - you're next to him, a wave of heat goes through your body, your palms are sweating and if, in addition, you want to say smth, then your voice is shaking or you can't say anything at all. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? That was the problem for me in these two and a half years. No, actually, not that much. One and a half, I guess, because thanks to the things that happened in high school, I got over it. Well, again I'm going to the future. Sorry, I won't do it anymore.
Anyway. The first time I actually said "hey" was planned by me and Chantal the previous evening. How she (Chantal) comes to meet me and we simply go there and I say "hey" as I pass by. It really does sound simply, doesn't it?
Post-factum .. it was fail. I mean, I passed by, straight as a ruler, (he was sitting on the bench with some guys from 7th grade or whatever) and I just told him "hey" without even looking. That's why he actually looked at me like I was an alien, I guess. The others were with WTF-was-that-faces as well. But at least I did that!
Betwixt, we practiced that a bit and we succeeded in the end. It was good in the cloakroom as you just come and do it. And after some time, he learned doing that firstly, too. Depends, who opened one's mouth at first.
The funniest moment was, when we had our esperanto lesson in the new classroom and besides Chantal, there was Dean sitting on the bench. It was weird, 'cause usually I and Jason (or Chantal, if she wasn't somewhere around) were the only people who was there so early - half 8. He, because he lived farther and didn't want to come by bass, and I, 'cause .. oh, okay, admit it - because I knew exactly when he arrives at school and started coming at this time, too.
It does sound strange when I say we never really talked then, right? I actually hoped a lot we will, that's why I came that early. But we never did. We simply sat next to each other. One who is madly in love with the other, and the other who knows that, but keeps silent. Even if you don't count this, we could talk, right? Maybe there was something wrong with us...
Anyway, typical me started worrying what's wrong, why he's not there yet. He was never late nor came to school later. And I haven't heard/seen he was gone on vacation or anything. I say "seen" 'cause instead of being a normal human being and just ask him, I, at first, stalked him on FaceBook or where ever or listened carefully to people's talking when he was telling someone 'bout that (which actually makes me a stalker as he was somewhere in the other side of the classroom). And only after that, when I knew things, I talked about that with him in MSN. Sounds creepy, right?
I sighed silently to myself - don't forget that all my worries and stuff went only through my head and lasted for only a couple of seconds, so no one could actually saw any difference - and sat next to Chantal. There was room for two more people on the bench.
Happily, Jason was there after five minutes, so that storm inside me could peacefully die down, and I could smile brightly and tell him "hey". Moreover, my smile was even more bright as he sat besides us. Okay, he sat next to Dean at first.
"At first" 'cause .. another five minutes passed and there were more people, and I suddenly registered some moving from side-glance. Side-glance as I obviously couldn't do that at school, to simply glare at Jason. Of course I wanted to...
As I turned my head, so I could see what the heck was going on there, I saw Jason had shifted just next to me.
And that was strange because a) if someone would have liked to sat down, he had to move to Dean's side (on principle, though, I'd like if he had moved to my side) and b) because no one had sat down. Oh, don't get me wrong: I totally enjoyed that. I just want to say, I could never do that. Why I even mentioned that, was because I tried to understand him. Ta ei olnud mulle üldse midagi öelnud oma He'd never told me about his feelings, but sometimes he did things that make me feel like he knows. And then again, the ones that broke these hopes
But it wasn't the only "interesting thing", the fun wasn't over yet. As I'd already said, we had esperanto in the new class (another lesson was in the class where I sat next to Jason). The new classroom was alike the other one, though, it was about two times smaller that that one. It also had a long row of tables, but instead of two rows, there was only one. Four pair of tables were across with the long row - two on the each side of the teacher's table.
I and Chantal got quickly in class as the teacher opened the door and sat at the end of the row.
So we can enjoy the sunlight here
We watched as the others chose their seats - especially Jason, as you could have guessed.
Let the fun begin now. He entered the class and had a lot of choices left - he could have sat on the other side of the row or there, in the second row of two tables as the first one was occupied by Cyle and Jamie.
But what does Jason do? He enters the class, looks around for a second - my cute supernatural being - and starts walking towards us with huge steps, followed by Dean.
And as next to me sits Chantal and next to her Cecily, Jason chooses the table which is just across me. Which means, he sits almost next to me, if it wasn't for that one table between us.
If there wouldn't have been anyone in the classroom, I and Chantal would have died laughing hysterically. Although, the others' presence didn't mean we could just make a poker face. We had to turn around several times, to the wall, to calm down. Which didn't as well mean we would have been calm. We had these big grins on our faces for half of the lesson. Well, at least no one noticed .. except Jason. 'Cause when I looked at him (about 10 times maybe?), I saw a cute mysterious smile on his face that drove me crazy. Drives. And of course he caught my looks. Or he was the one who was looking at me.
However, esperanto wasn't the end of the fun that day. Lately, I'd noticed Jason peeks more and more at me. It always brought a smile to my face and gave me hope he actually does like me.
Usually I would have sat with Chantal in the last row by the door and had an amazing view at Jason, who sat in the last but one row by the windows, so no one could have ever noticed my glaring at him. But today I sat with Cassie who was before us as Chantal had her Olympiad stuff again.
I would have said that one does not simply glare from the parallel desk as lots of people would notice, but after he looked at me at least five times, I dropped my argument. And thanks to all his glaring I learned how to smile.
Another thing most of people can't understand. I mean, smiling should be as easy as you say "hey". It wasn't about being a coward, mostly because of the way he watched me .. I didn't give a damn in the world. There was no one but us, me and him. And his green eyes I could look into for hours.
Even though, once I said I never knew when I started loving him, I may say it could have been the moment. It all began with his deep looks.
They say, looks are the first love letters. And as Caro looks at me .. oh, how I wish that was not true .. but I'm afraid she is in love with me a bit too much. A lot more she could have been.
Even if I really wanted to know how it feels, to be loved, I also knew how dangerous it was for her. Though, I wanted to try. And at the same time I mustn't.
I checked her blog every day and understood how much she actually cared about me and .. loved me - no matter how weird that sounds. I wanted to tell her what I feel for her, but I was .. a damn coward. I know, it sounds funny from my, mafioso's, mouth - especially as I have to get rid of people at times -, but that was true.
Maybe the thing was, I never felt anything like that for any girl and didn't know what to with that luck. I mean, yes, my heart told me I gotta talk with her about that as it was the only right way, but then again my mind told it may be right, but also so damn dangerous at the same time.
Not only because of that blog scandal, which faded away surprisingly fast - fuck yeah, Zack -, but .. well, yeah, Zack was in. I didn't mean he could do something at school again, no - I was scared of something way more dangerous. I was scared he could harm Caro. If you ask now, why he should, here's an easy answer - as soon as he understands that I feel smth for Caro, he would think it interferes my work as it is that feelings' stuff, so he could do whatever the fuck he pleases to her. He could simply get rid of her or he could send someone who would hit on her. I wasn't sure which was worse.
That's why I hadn't any choice but ignore the girl. Sometimes I just didn't reply to her MSN messages, though, I was dying to talk to her. She was just that person I could trust. I had never talked to anyone in my life as with her. It was all so special. And I hurt her. I hated myself for that.
And then again I had enough courage to glare at her. I know she was so strong inside, but she felt fragile from the outside. Someone who can easily break if you are too tough with her. I wanted to protect her even more
These morning moments .. I got that quickly she was so early at school just because of me, and I guessed, she craves for talking with me. I really did want to talk to her, talk in real life. However, as I said before - I was scared and was afraid Zack would find out.
Sometimes I thought I was not much different from Zack in that case. That I'm as heartless and egoistic as he was. Because hurting someone who cares about you so much and loves you with her whole existence is bullshit. I could have at least told her everything. But I wasn't sure how well she can pretend, so yeah...
So I hadn't much choice but turn off my feelings. I had to remain emotionless. That was another thing I hated about myself. And you cannot keep too much anger in you 'cause it may destroy you. Happily I had lots of work to do .. and well, yes, that's where I sent all my anger - at the innocent people who were our targets.