MNLS #20: A Christmas Party


I don't like parties.
I looked around, totally bored.
Why did I even come?

I gnashed my teeth as my smart subconsciousness was about to whisper the answer. I just didn't want to .. overthink. However, at the same time I knew too well it was true.
Let's just keep talking about parties .. it's good to keep your head clean.
Like it's ever possible, my subconsciousness withered. I ignored it.

Yes, at that time I din't like parties at all. Because when we had parties, people immediately got drunk and messed around. What was the point anyway?
Why I got used to them later .. nice. That's exactly what I call "let's not overthink". Oh, okay, it's impossible to get her out of my head. Let her be then.

I just understood in the first gymnasium years how much Caro liked these parties. She feels more free. Beside, she was't like others - her "heavy drinking" consisted of only one can of cider and she was always against doing any drugs.
Smart girl, huh? You like these, don't you? Shut up, I roared in response to my subconsciouness. Wow, I'm really dumb. Arguing here with myself. I'm insane.

And how he slowly moved herself in the rhytm of music, trying to do that delicately, so no one would think she's crazy.
No one would ever dare to...

She was angelic in every way. And at the same time she tried not to be so .. girly. Maybe I didn't think only about good angels. She may have got something dark in her as well.

I liked where I was at the moment. I could lose myself in my thoughts as well as observe others without being noticed by myself. (I was on the balcony.) I could look for Caro there as well as other people, just in case. I let my eyes wander around the hall, trying to find Zack and starting to panic when not finding him and Caro.
Call me paranoid but you can expect everything from Zack.

And then I found them. Seeing something that was breaking my heart.



"Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away..."
I knew it was stupid. To sing somewhere where are like lots of people, especially when these people are your own classmates, who can call you a freak then.
Like I already wasn't one...

"Caaaroooo," Micha slumped down on the chair and took a sip from glogg.
I tilted my head, waiting for her comment. Dunno about what, though.
"Why aren't you dancing with your dream guy?"
I raised my brows. "Because he .. hasn't invited me? Where is he, after all?" I tried to switch the topic, not that I was successful, but it didn't kill me as I tried.

"There," She made a move with her head towards Jason, Zack and Ian. "Why don't you invite him by yourself?"
Told ya, Micha wouldn't buy it.
"Because .. I don't have enough courage?" I tried to make my voice sound like I was improvising, though, it was true. As I had mentioned before, we had really serious problems with talking with Jason, and after his touch when I turned into .. an electric eel, I was truly scared to touch him.

"Really? Why would you?"
But Micha knew nothing. She didn't knew anything what I felt for Jason. How we talked on MSN, exchange  gazes and whatever. She knew nothing.

She slumped her cup on the table a bit louder than needed.
"You know what? You need some alternation. Don't ask Jason to dance .. at least not now," She stood up and grabbed my hand.
I started to panic. "Where now?"

"You see them?" She pointed at darkened people in front of hall. "That's Cyle's guys gang. And we're gonna join them."
So instead of dancing with the boy of my dreams, I moved myself in the rhythm of music with Micha, Cyle and Corey.

At moments I happened to face our table, I could see him, Zack and Ian looking at us. Well, not us exactly, of course not, but at times our eyes met. (C'mon, we danced with Cyle's gang after all!)


Micha smiled to encourage me.
"Don't you worry. It's just a dance. Besides," She leaned closer while walking and her hair touched my shoulder. "It's a good way to make someone jealous,"
My brows raised. "With Josh? Are you kidding me?"
"What's wrong with him?" Michelle didn't understand.

"No, no, I didn't mean it that way at all. Just .. Jason already knows I've fallen head over heels for him,"
Micha smiled sweetly. "Let him be. But it won't do bad for him to be uptight at times,"
I shook my head. "Whatever,"

I stopped when we reached the bench where were Josh and...
"May I get a dance with you?" Micha asked Zack.
As much as I hated him, I could do nothing that moment but turn to face Josh and ask exactly the same: "Would you like to dance?"


"He was upstairs so much. And eyed the dance floor all the time." Cassie told me after I had finished dancing with Josh.
When I was still lost in myself, Cassie added: "I thought maybe you should join him there and then there would be only two of you, and you could dance, just you and him. Like 'Twilight', you know."

I smiled as I adored Cassie's positive thinking in us case. "'Twilight', huh? Guys don't like 'Twilight',"
"But it would have been soooo romantic,"

"It would have, indeed. If only I wasn't such a coward nor was afraid of asking him to dance with me. For example, if you took Dean, it would be pretty possible,"
"It's never too late," Cassie said mystically and ignored my comment about Dean. "How about now?"
I sent a look at the balcony, finding Jason just there. I looked at Cassie, feeling suddenly so confident. "Why not? It's never too late,"
"Go, girl. But one dance. You don't want to get suspended, right."

There really wasn't anything weird about one dance, besides, I've danced with other guys, too, after Cyle's gang
One dance.

I skipped upstairs, heart pumping faster with each step.
The moment I've waited for so long is about to happen...

I was already up when...
"No," a whisper escaped only from my lips. "Please don't let it happen,"

Jason was gone. He was .. gone.



Why am I such an idiot?
I knew very well there's nothing between Caro and Josh, nevertheless, it broke my heart in some point, when I saw how she asked Josh to dance rumba or whatever it was with her as they swirled around our "dance floor". I really don't know about dances.

Of course I knew it was just for fun. Not everyone's gonna sit in the corner by themselves and be depressed like me. Nonetheless, it drove me totally insane.
I wanted to run to her, shake her and yell: "What are you doing?" And at the same it thoughts like: C'mon, are you an idiot? You're not even dating her, you don't have any rights. Who do you think you are by asking for her actions? ticked in my mind.

At that moment I really hated myself. Because I let myself get angry. Because I couldn't control myself. Where did your principles disappear, Jason? my subconsciousness said with sarcasm. But why I hated myself the most, was because I couldn't confess my feelings.

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