06.10.12

MNLS #22: It was meant to be special

Caroline, the next day


I'm so stupid. I'm hopeless. I'm worthless. I'm .. nothing.
Why couldn't I? What the hell is wrong with me? I am able to write to him and do the most of the thing, but I am not able to talk to him when needed.

***

The day before

My heart beat rapidly when I took a step that could change so much. A hand with a phone fell down as I had to do something more important. But...
I didn't took the step. I did make half of it when something, actually me by myself held myself back.
I couldn't do what I had to do, really had to.

***

Back in the next dat

The only thing that comforted my awful cowardliness was that we actually had made an agreement to meet. It was nothing more than improvisation, to talk to him the day before. Maybe it wasn't that bad. I don't even know...

I could/had to got to our class after party, but when I woke up that morning and saw it was raining, I went back to bed and slept for another couple of hours (because last .. that night I went to sleep at about 3 AM).
Besides, a thought  "I doubt I'd go there" was running through my head, so I knew I wouldn't lose anything if I didn't go there.

That's what I thought.
For the whole day I did nothing but think how it was gonna be. How we meet and .. talk.  
For me, it was a totally new experience. Jason was my first .. quite everything. First falling in love, first love, first .. heartbreaking and, as everyone else knows, later also first kiss, relationship, sex etc. But that was too far in the future.

For the whole day I was waiting for him to turn up.
He promised.
And in the first year, Jason was different. He didn't ignore me that much - I mean, in comparison with high school... -, he was .. more caring. That's why I was so sure he'd show up.
I was way too sure. I couldn't even believe he won't.
For me, it was something totally illogical, against natural law.

However, maybe it was just because I din't know Jason well. Maybe it was because I overestimated him. Maybe it was because .. at that moment we weren't meant to be together.
At the end of the day I gave up. Because he didn't turn up at all.

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