06.10.12

MNLS #23: slow wigging out


So that's it?  9th grade is over and .. my hopes to be with Jason someday probably as well. Yeah, he would say: "Never say never." at that moment for sure. But it seems, you can say that, though. Yes, we actually did made an agreement, but it seems he totally doesn't give a shit about me nor my feelings. Otherwise, he would be interested lots of time ago. So let's skip his phrases-

I just can't understand how someone can be so passive if he knows you like him. How can one not care at all when he/she knows another likes him/her? I wrote to him by myself, so he wouldn't have to do something which made him be scared to death; told him it was important for us to talk.
It's just .. I don't know what I should do anymore. I had done so much...

I feel like my life's falling to peaces. These peaces are like our class - some of them are going to other class, some to other school... Everyone's following their direction and with them, they take a piece of me. Think about that - 35 pieces! Well, yes, each has a different sized piece and as my bff-s stays with me, the bigger pieces remains. As well as these classmates' who will be in my class as well. So, in the end the loss is not that big.

If only .. my bff-s have a major place in my heart and soul, though, I have to admit, Jason is more important. And it doesn't matter at all that he has never done even half as much as my sweetie - he is still here, there: in my soul and in my heart. He has the biggest place there. Lots of bigger than he would actually deserve. But it's unchangeable. 

***

After a couple of hours

Tears, black with mascara, run down once so cheerful cheeks. Wet lips open once again to whisper you name and add, "I love you," But you don't care 'cause you're just not here. I have no idea where and you have no idea why I need you that much. Because you don't give a fuck.

It's more likely you're at home. Keeping "that great secret" only to yourself, though, mine is known to many. I've been waiting for you for over a year. I've been strong, suffered much, but now I feel how I'm breaking. Now, specifically in the end. I know how stupid it is. To wait for so much and break in the end. I know I'm pathetic. But I'm also naive as I thought you care.

I don't know why you pretend(ed) to care. What is wrong with you?

***

I moved around the house like a ghost. Luckily, I was alone - one of these few moments when my parents and brother went to the dancing competitions and I could be alone.
I actually liked to be alone. Because when you're struggling a depression and no one's around, you're not supposed to tell anyone anything. I really hated when someone (read: my mom) demanded to tell her everything that happened in my life. 'Specially when I wanted to keep something to myselfe. 'Cause everyone has something they want only to keep to themselves, right?

And then again, someone deep inside, I wanted to have someone near me. Not to talk, no - I just didn't have any strength for that .. nor volition -, I needed someone who could support me. So I wouldn't feel so lonely, being alone at the same time. If someone has had a situation like that before, he/she'll understand. If not .. how many actually understands? I'll try to explain: I wanted to be alone, but didn't want to feel lonely. Which means, I needed space to be tete-a-tete with my thoughts, but at the same time I also needed to be sure I have someone who could understand and support me when in need.

At that moment, I wasn't sure. It all felt like .. like I was against the world, alone. Completely alone with my thought, my feelings, my .. everything. It felt like no one cares. That no one understands.
I still needed someone near me, but I never wanted for someone to be only concerned on my problems. We have our own lives, after all, and I didn't want anyone to solve my problems beside theirs.

However, it was terrible and scary. To stand against the world all alone. Sure, I actually has been against the world for all of my life. Because of my thought, views .. everything. Usually it wasn't that .. horrifying, though. When everything's good, you're not afraid of being alone. You're in a good mood, with good music, friends...

Yeash, I'm not totally alone if I have friends, but .. I actually am. Of course we socialize, but we also have totally different views, thoughts and hobbies. We can keep our friendship, but never back up from our opinions.
And my thoughts and understandings are likely to be different from the whole world's ones, so...

But being alone while you're struggling the deepest depression, when you cannot go any further, is dangerous. Weird thoughts get in your head and in the end, you break.
I did.

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