10.10.12

MNLS #25: confesses


I heard talking. Girls were talking. I couldn't make out immediately who they were. If it was for Jason, I wouldn't even have to exert - my brain was able to make out his voice .. from afar and out of many. Happily for me, I was still in my room and not in the hospital. And I assumed, bright light wouldn't discomfort  my eyes then. So I decided to open them.

"Look, she's awake," Chantal said as I finally managed to distinguish between them.
I blinked my eyes to get used to the light. There was Cassie in the room besides Chantal.
I smiled at them weekly. "Hey,"
"Are you okay?" Cassie asked with a worry.

I gulped and nodded. They stormed to my bed.
"You must never ever terrify us like that, Caroline!" Chantal tried to quarrel with me a bit, though, there was more worry in her voice than anger.
"Exactly! I thought I'm gonna die when we got to your place and you were lying on the floor, helpless,"

I touched my head with a hand for a moment, though I was feeling much better. I even hadn't been feeling dizzy. I felt freshen up.
"Sorry," I muttered silently. "I have no idea what happened to me .. guess I was caught off-guard?"
"You have given too much mental work to your brain. And it's often even worse than physical,"

"Yeah .. I've been thinking a lot lately,"
"You must not think about him that much," Cassie stated.

"Where's Michelle?" I asked suddenly, surprising even myself.
"She's out of town,"
"Oh,"

I actually wasn't sure if I wanted my third friend to be there. She wasn't that kind of person who knew how to comfort you in a right way.
On one hand, she would order me to forget Jason and pull myself together, which would be the right move to make. On the other, though, she would be way too pushy and uncommitted. She couldn't exactly understand these kind of things as she didn't have experience about what it is. How it is.

"Don't change the topic, Caro. You know it's true,"
I nodded as it was the truth. "But there's nothing we can do,"
"Something can be always done," Cassie conceded.
I shook my head.

"Tell me about your secret. How can you keep yourself in it and remain so committed?"
"I don't know. It's .. confused. Maybe it's like .. when you sort your life out, you'll realize that sometimes someone is worth it. I don't know why it is like that. It feels like they put such a spell on you that you'll wait how ever long it takes for them to love you like you love them,"

"Wait a sec .. love?"
I nodded. If there was one thing I could have ever been certain about, it's that I really loved Jason.

"Oh .. but how can you love someone who ignores you all the time, who hurts you all the time?"
Cassie and Chantal always shipped me and Jason for"us" more than Michelle. However, even they started to doubt in the end. They had a reason, though. But I had an explanation, too.

"When you truly care for someone .. you don't look for faults. You don't even look for answers. You accept everything. You know how each of us have standards for people? When you love someone, they don't matter anymore. You're not following the standards anymore because someone is creating the new ones. And why I'm still waiting .. I'm just afraid of not having an amazing opportunity like this .. an opportunity to love,"


"How'd you know it's love? Why not just liking someone or crush?"
"There's a major difference. Words 'like', 'love' and 'in love' differ like 'for now', 'for a while' and 'forever',"

Cassie shook her head, but not in disapproval. "Maybe I just gotta find myself someone to understand such things. Don't get me wrong - I don't think you're weird or anything. I just don't understand completely,"
Chantal put her arm over Cassie's shoulder. "I'm pretty sure you'll find yourself someone,"

I smirked and tried not to laugh. Cassie had mentioned she liked Dean - who was, btw, one of Jason's best friends. "Being in love has only one contraindication. When you're being ignored and not loved in return, it feels like hell. But it blench if being compared to it's beauty,"
Cassie only smiled in return.

"You know, you really can improve my mood," I said as it started to feel like the silence is about to take over. "You're like Jasper Hale,"
It made girls laugh and I was happy I managed to turn atmosphere, which had turned stressful, back to coziness.
"I've noticed I can handle if it's about you," Chantal stated. "You're Edward, you sparkle."

"Wait, what?" Cassie laughed.
"Not Edward," I argued. "I'm Reneesme. He's Jacob,"
Chantal started to laugh even more. "What's Jacob's qualities?"
"Bronzed skin, brown eyes, good sense of humour. Oh, he likes horror movies! Kinda Jacob in my opinion,"

 "Wait, wait," Cassie stopped our chat. "Since when are you sparkling?"
"Well, once I had sparkly eyeshadow on, which dripped to my cheeks, and Micha said then I'm sparkling. You weren't at school then, I guess,"
"Can't recall it, but sad I missed all the fun,"
"Indeed. Micha was super mad when we started discussing 'Twilight' because of all that sparkling,"

"Who can see the future? And read others' mind?" Chan asked excitedly.
"I can see the future (done that some times) and he can read minds at times," I answered after some thinking.

Chan shook her head. "You can't be Alice and Reneesme at one time. Two in one,"
"Yes. And Alice and Edward aren't together,"
"Yep,"
"Besides, Taylor is way cuter,"

"Dunno," Chantal thought a bit and asked then: "You want to know what's really your special power?"
I nodded and she proceeded: "You can feel vicinity of people. You've done it for two times already: 'Where's my supernatural being?' 'Khm, he's like two meters away,'"
It was my time to laugh out loud. "True that."

"What's my special power?" Cassie asked.
"You truly are Jasper, you know how to fix mood. Listen .. give advice. These are important qualities," I told her.
Cassie seemed to like it.
I leaned towards both of them and hugged them. "Thanks for being here for me,"

***

I was slowly drifting away to sleep when I heard Chantal's phone ringing. We had fallen asleep in my room.
I opened my eyelids a bit - just much enough to see, but not for Chantal to see I was awake. She quickly pressed the button to answer, so she wouldn't wake us up.

"Helloo?" she answered quietly, being by the balcony door and jerking the nob. The following sentence made me breathless. Sentence, really? One word was enough .. a name. "Jason?!"

***

Jason

Really, I hate Zack. It was like he made that on purpose, gave me loads of job to do, so I hadn't time to talk to Caro for the whole week. Maybe he has more hackers beside me? Hmm..

Anyway, I took my willpower together - though I was such a coward in reality - and just started to go towards Caro's house when I got free morning. I didn't think, I just did my thing.
The problem mostly was about me not having any courage to talk to her. Yeah, I know - a mafia member and cowardly? Doesn't seem for these things to match. But there's a major difference between fighting with some bad guys and talking to girl you lo .. like.

Yes, that's right.
How stupid it was, to lie to myself, and make a girl you love suffer. Never do that! When you love someone, tell him/her. Because hearts get broken because of words left unspoken. You could see it in our situation. *


"Here you are, Jason. You can handle that," I muttered to myself, reaching Caro's place.
So, how I know where she leaves? I like being a stalker.
I rang the bell and listened carefully - nothing.
Ffs, Caro, don't tell me that just today when I got all pieces of courage together, you decided to drive away. Don't tell me that! Or I'll .. dunno what will I do.

10 more minutes passed, but there still wasn't anything. I sighed silently.
Maybe it's just not my day.
I turned on my heels and started my path to home.

***

Pinck, pinck, pinck. It's getting on my nerves. Pinck, pinck, pinck.
"OUCH!" I yelled as the ball I had been throwing at the wall for half an hour punched my nose.
That's what you get, Jason, when you're hurting a girl that loves you. I sat up in a sec. Loves? What the hell I'm thinking about? Why would she love me? Me?! I'm a monster.

Ade, who happened to pass by the door, peeked in.
Why hadn't I closed the door? I must be really distrait.
"What would ya yell at?" she asked. "And why is here such a mess?"
I looked at her sullenly. "The ball punched my nose," I gnarled.

She furrowed her brows and I immediately understood it wasn't because of my clumsiness.
She jumped over the things and landed on the bed. Ade looked me straight into the eye, but it felt like she looked into my soul.

"Tell me what's wrong," she ordered.
Usually, I would start to argue, deny thing, telling her there's nothing wrong. But that was Ade. My sister, who knew me better than whoever. She knew about things I've messed up, and even though she didn't like it even a bit, she supported me. And then again, she knew about .. my personal angel.

"Did Fido of the Hell do something that annoyed my brothie?" she asked, all lovey-dovey, calling Zack by his nickname, given by herself.
I shook my head.
"Mm.." Adrianna said thoughtfully and rolled herself on the stomach "Then it's more serious. Tell me how are you and your angel doing,"

I smirked. Ade happened to see once a picture of Caroline I had drawn and stupidly signed as 'my angel'. That's why she used the nickname to cheer me up, as well as the Fido of the Hell.
I looked my sister in the eye and uncontrollably, everything I had inside poured out. Everything I could never tell anyone, even though there was someone I'd pretty much liked and needed to tell that.

"And you just left?" she asked finally, furrowing her brows as I reached events that had happened some hours ago.
"What would have I done?" I asked, furrowing my brows, too.
"I slept on your doorstep, begging for one chance," Ade sang thoughtfully.
I gave her keep-calm-now gaze.

The girl chewed her lip for a couple of minutes. I raised my brows at her, waiting for what would she come up with.
"I don't believe Caro's out of town, mkm. She can't be. She wouldn't leave without your answer,"
"Why would you think she's so into me?"

Ade gave me an isn't-it-obvious look. "You gotta call Chantal. She knows,"

***

"You can't just ignore her! She had a suffered a nervous breakdown! We thought we gotta take her to the hospital! What the hell are you thinking, Jason?!" Chantal yelled so loudly I had to keep my phone in distance.
I ground my teeth and that wasn't because I hadn't ever seen/heard so pissed off Chantal. It was rather because it was killing me, that the girl I loved was so unhinged, literally.

"Chantal .. I'm sorry, I just..." What am I to say? What I actually have to say? That I managed to get involved with the wrong people, suffering because of it now? That's not an excuse to hurt other people.
"Ugh, don't you dare to start with that. Just tell me why are you ignoring her? How can you do that to someone who lo.. likes you?" she corrected quickly.

Was she really going to say "loves"? Oh... "I thought it'll be better like that. I'm so wrong for her. I wish she would forget me,"
"Let's start with the problem that we don't actually chose the ones we fall in love with, no mattering how wrong they are. Secondly, you should have told her that in the beginning, not talk to her all the time and be near and just get her hopes up,"

"I just .. don't deserve her,"
"Don't say that. I'm not the one to decide whether you are or not. In my opinion, you look cute together. She cares 'bout you, Jason. She's in love with you. Head over heels. She would do everything for you, everything indeedMaybe that's what you're afraid of. That she's way too in love with you. But something's telling me you're feeling that, too. Is that's what you are scared of? That you two would be too perfect together? Because you are perfect. And exactly because of that, Jason, you shouldn't be like it's nothing. Or, for fuck's sake, like it's absolutely usual thing. You must talk. She's waiting for you, has been waiting for a while. If she waits for some more time, I don't think it'll end well. You must come here, Jason, just now. She needs you." With that Chantal ended the call as if her energy had ended.

In my case, it would.
But what was the most important - she made me understand something really well. And that's why I started accomplishing it just then.


(A/N: Pildid selle osa jaoks: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/Ootamine/?action=view&current=ae0d106c.pbw)

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