10.10.12

MNLS #26: Skinny Love

"Caroline, sweetie, you have a guest,"
I tilted my head, suspicious.
Chantal was way too lovey-dovey for herself. It was as if Michelle would be totally normal for a week nor bitch with me about Jason.
Yeah, a bit strange comparing, though, it's true.

"A guest? Now?"
I looked at the clock that hang on the wall behind girls' backs. It was 7PM.
Cassie nodded enthusiastically. "We're serious,"
"Okay," I said, still suspicious. They're keeping something from me. "Who would that be?"

"Oh, it's hard to surprise you. He'll come in in a second, then you'll find out,"
"No, wait, I can't greet anyone in a bed, with ghastly and with broken finger joints,"
"Trust me, the one who comes in now, has to see you like that,"
I furrowed my brows. "Did you call a psychiatrist or something..?"

"No. Something better," said Chantal, all secretive.
Then they did some dance moves as if hovered out the room happily, and pushed someone inside.
I hardly had time to glance in the mirror that stood on my bedside table, only to get ensured I really looked off color.
That's what needed to be proved. But now I'd really liked to know who...

"Hey," he said somehow ashamed. It was so not him.
Only one word, but it was enough to make me speechless.
What are you doing to me, Jason? Why are you doing this? How are you doing this? "Hey," I breathed out and then inhaled again. "You are .. here?"
No, in the other universe, you know. Yes, it really was a stupid question. 

In my head, thoughts about how he got here and why he was here were spinning around, and in addition, I managed to be angry with  girls as they hadn't warned me of Jason's walk-about, so he had to see me on my worst.
Perfect.

He scratched his neck. "Ehm .. yes. Chantal beat some sense in my head,"
"Oh," I said. So Chantal really had talked to Jason.
When she talked to him, she closed the balcony door and through half-open eyelids I could see only her maniac gesticulation. It could have been funny if it wasn't for questions, chewing me from inside, and if I hadn't been in a condition I was in.

Jason looked at me suspiciously. I can't explain what was in that gaze. There were so many mixed emotions .. repentance, anger - toward who, not me, right? -, care, anger again .. I also wanted to add "love", but that would have been too much.
No, Caro, you dumb girl, don't start overthinking again. Please.

I patted my left hand's finger joints gently and jerked a bit when sharp pain went through them.
Hell, it's pretty painful.
Jason's eyes wandered on my hand immediately, he jerked and sucked for air.
Moreover, he did something special. He stormed to my bed and grabbed my hand.

"Did you cut yourself?" He asked, horrified.
"No, for fuck's sake, Jason," I answered.
"What's that then? How that happened?"
"Momentary weakness," I muttered.

He raised a brow.
"Fine, I just broke the mirror," I pointed behind him with another hand and while he was looking, I could feel blush appearing on my cheeks. Now it felt so .. dumb..
"Oh, god,"

He inhaled and exhaled deeply. "How are you, Caroline?"
"I've been asked for the whole year how I am,"
"And what have you been answering?"
"That I'm .. okay?"

"Really?"
"Am not,"

It was more likely he wasn't thinking clearly - nor me, not him would call that normal behavior of him back that time - when he touched my finger joints with his lips.
Really? I tried my best to hold back surprise and .. happiness as well, not to scare him nor frighten away. It was always my only wish, to be as near to him as possible.

"Jason..."
"Mm..." he said and it felt like he was still in trance.
"When will we start talking?"
Then something got on it's place in him. He let go of my hand and stepped back, taking seat in the armchair, which was in the corner of the room. As far from me as possible, shortly said.

I sighed, defended.
Perfect moments never last forever
"I .. the only thing I can say .. I can tell you only half of my story,"
"I think it's better than this,"

***

Jason

Well hell, did I really hope she's gonna say she doesn't want to hear anything? You are dumb, Jason. I gotta look genuine now. I can't just tell straight in her face that, hey, sweetie, you've fallen for a criminal. Yeah.
So I took myself together and made a story which could look real.

"Okay .. so. I had a girlfriend for almost a year and we broke up in the beginning of the 9th grade. As it was my first relationship, it hurt me pretty much that time and I still damn myself at times for the stupid mistakes I managed to make back then. And after the broke-up I wanted to take myself together and change. And as girls interrupt my doings pretty much .. and I have lots of things to do, I said no to all the relationships for about 3 years. I don't know if I'm able to handle that, but the first year is almost over.

Oh... I don't like to lie. At all. Nevertheless, at least something is true...
I knew she could read the lies from my eyes, that's why I looked everywhere else but her while speaking. Finishing part of my story, I looked at her, as ensuring she actually is listening to me - she had been quiet for a while.

But when I looked up, I found her eyeing me, so I went on: "When I got caught by you that day at school .. your behavior gave you out pretty easily. I understood immediately you like me,"
"I didn't think I was that bare-faced,"

I smiled to myself. I only you knew, sweetie, how good I am at reading people. "You're not bare-faced, just..."
"You have experience, yeah, I got that," he sounded uptight and I thought what could be the reason.

"I hoped it'll pass by. That it all would pass by, as soon as possible. It would be better if you hated me," I muttered, returning to the topic.

***

Caro

What? What did you just say? "What .. why? Why would you say that?"
 "You know how wrong I am for you?"

I closed my eyes, feeling tears forming there. I didn't want to cry. Before him, showing how weak I am. That I can't handle the truth. If being honest, I didn't want to cry at all. I got what I wanted - the truth. But the truth was I wasn't ready. I had nothing to do with it.

"Even if you know someone's wrong for you, it doesn't change your feelings even a bit. You still keep lo..." Great, Caro, keep going. "I wanted to say, you still feel whatever you felt for that person," I corrected myself quickly, trying to find suitable words.

Of course I wanted to tell him what I truly felt. But I couldn't, not at all.
 "Jason .. is this why you ignored me? So I would start to hate you? Because when we socialized in the first half of the year .. you felt more open and friendly. Maybe I was wrong, but it seemed like that,"

"Yes, that's why I did that. I'm not taking back my words. You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy. Somebody who doesn't complicate your life. Somebody who won't hurt you,"

"Jason, please," I closed my eyes, as trying to focus my thoughts into the words. "Don't say that. I hasn't been waiting for you, so you can tell me how wrong you are for me. Besides, it doesn't change anything,"

"Why did you .. are you waiting for me for that long?"
I shrugged. "You're the second person who asks me that during the day. And I'm gonna answer that sometimes you just feel that someone's worth to be a part ща your life. No matter how much and what you have to go through. You care about that person and want to be with him and just .. are. Wait for how much is needed and so on,"

"You're strong," he said.
I shrugged again. "Or it's just important for me,"
"Sorry that I .. didn't say anything when we were to meet on 19th," he suddenly said. "It was .. I know it's not an excuse, but I had .. work to do. I'm sorry at all, that you had to suffer that much. Chantal told me .. I hope you're gonna be the cheerful girl again you has been for the whole time I've known you,"

Whoa, he complimented me. "Thanks," I guess. "Another question. We didn't meet only because you had work to do? And nothing else?"

***

Jason

Hell, I knew she's gonna ask that. Of course she got to know me during the year, so she won't believe from the first time anymore.
But I couldn't tell her it was also because I was afraid of talking her tete-a-tete

Because I was afraid that .. I can't say "no". And if I had accidentally said "yes", I was afraid that I would damn myself for it later. And it wasn't like I didn't want it .. her, to be in a relationship with her, it was because a girl in my life would mess it all up. Besides, it would be hell hard to explain her my hobby .. job.

"Yeah, that's it. And as I can conclude .. you are really about to wait for a hell of time. But I gotta warn you that we're really-really different. Take thinking, for instance."

***

Caro

Hahaha, you tell me? "Do I have any hope?"
"I always say 'never say never', so..."
"I hope Chantal weren't getting on your nerves .. I mean..."
"No, she was okay. Look, I'm really into my principles, so I don't know how much she told you..."

I shook my head. "She just mentioned she's about to explore a bit, but almost never told me anything. She said she promised to you,"
Jason nodded to himself as assuring that he can trust Chantal. Then he wanted to add something, but his phone started ringing and he stared at it, terrified, when had taken it out of pocket.
Wait, terrified? Really, Jason and terrified?

***

Jason

The only thing I wanted to do .. I wanted to tell Caro that I want to be with her now, at that exact moment, that I'm gonna leave everything and just be with her. That I'll never hurt her again, that I love her...

"I'm sorry, Caro," I murmured, having seen the name on the screen. The name I would have never wanted to see that day. Actually never at all, but I hadn't much choice.
I'm not sure if she heard me, but she sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. For a moment during which I was already gone.

***

Caro

I wanted to tell him I was already there for him. That he can come wherever he pleases and say "yes". I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment
When I opened them, I understood that  this guy needs only some seconds to leave.
When will my feelings matter to him?

(A/N: fotod: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/The%20talk/?albumview=slideshow)

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