MNLS #27: hot summer, killer thoughts and I love you

„And what was that?“ Cassie asked disappointedly.
„Yes, indeed,“ Chantal agreed. „We were hoping to come in one moment and find you kissing,“
I raised my brows "Really?“

„Well, when he came, he had a look in his eyes like he was about to get on his knees and propose to you,“
„Really?“ I repeated. „Propose me?“
„Mm .. maybe not exactly propose...“
„Proposing part is Cassie's awesome attachment. But getting on his knees part was serious. Did he do it?“

„Ah, of course not .. well, actually...“
„He did?!“ The girls leaned closer in unison.
„He kissed my finger joints. Which means he was kneeling besides my bed,“
„He kissed you?!“ Cassie yelled joyfully.

„ Theoretically. Practically, his lips were from mines .. about a meter afar,“
„But that's progress already, isn't it?“
„Since when does he behave so not him?“
„I have no idea. Maybe since he found out how much I had to suffer,“

„That's why he kissed you?“
Why are my girl friends more excited than I? „Well, I guess .. like I understood, he was feeling guilty... That he causes all of this,“
„Uh-ugh,“ they said.

„By the way, thanks, Chan, that you, like he said, 'beat some sense in his head,',“
She made a move with her hand. „You're welcome,“

Cassie fidgeted impatiently. „Why did he tell you?“
I looked at them as they took seat on my bead and scrolled through all the convo in my head. I uplifted myself, so I was sitting.
At least physically I'm feeling so much better.


The girls had gone after I told them everything and we drank tea.
They were happy that I and Jason got it all straight and he told me the story. However, they worried that we still wasn't together, they told me that if I'm gonna wait for him for too long, it's better to leave it aside.
I only smiled and promised to do that.

But the truth was, I had no idea what I was feeling. It was all so .. confused. I mean, yes, of course, I was happy that he told me things - at least some of them -, though I still had loads of questions.

For instance, he didn't give me a single glance while talking. He was looking at the floor, wall, out of the window .. wherever but me while telling his story.
I fidgeted on the chair.
Could he have .. lied?

It was stupid to think but something inside me told me it's not all. He by himself told me too that it's only half of the story. But something inside me told me that I shouldn't believe that. I have no idea why. And of course it was totally stupid to think he could have lied.
Why should he?


21st January

Why in the hell I miss him? It's pretty impossible. I'm thinking 'bout him every minute. According to Russian believe, he's gotta have hiccups for 24/7, poor guy. Seriously. I hate myself for being so .. human. However, if I had been a mermaid or shapeshifter (cat/wolf), I wouldn't have escaped my problems, right? Though, it would be an alternation.

I hate I can't be someone else at the same time. I hate Jason for loving him so much. I hate my destiny for playing with me.

Although the only thing I hate is that I can't hate all of that as I love him. I love myself for loving Jason. I love Jason for falling in love with him so deeply and desperately. I love my destiny for letting me feel something as miraculous like that...

So .. how can I hate and love that all at the same time?



It's not normal. Not a single guy thinks that way. At least not that much. Or so .. emotionally. Too many emotions is girly.
And then again: Caroline, Caroline, Caroline.
"Ugh," I growled to myself and tried to focus on the documents. I wasn't about to succeed at it at all.

After that day, my brain didn't give me any break. That word didn't exist in my life anymore. The days and nights there was nothing but Caroline .. her eyes, her lips, her face .. her body at all. The whole Caroline. Because for me, her soul was important.

I didn't even accused myself of letting emotions, feelings take over and kiss her finger joints. It was important. It was my duty. My sorry for everything I had cause to her .. still do.


Caroline13th February

When in the beginning I said: "Two years are going to pass quickly,", I had no idea time was going to drag on for so long. Really, 4 months ago I said: "When he tells me the truth, I'll be happier," .. It was a mistake. Yes, I'm not happier.

The truth is, it's easier to be when you know you're not waiting for nothing, but only a bit. Sometimes I feel myself so broken and empty I want to get lost. It hurts me a lot, that I can't just take myself together and go to his house and tell him how much I love him. Even if it's my only wish. Even if it's the most important thing ever.

Because I gotta consider him as well. There would be an error in his system. Overload of the brain. He couldn't take it all in at once .. it would be too much for him. Yes, of course it would. I promised that I'm gonna wait and we will be friends during that time. Only that "friends" is way too few for me.



It was true that my thoughts were getting on my nerves. Virtually .. of course I didn't want to stop thinking 'bout her at all. But I couldn't live normally anymore. My previous life was all messed up.

'Til Caroline, everything was sorted out in my life until. What, when, where, with who. When she appeared in my life .. she got everything entangled. Even if I told her, a girl in my life would mess everything up, she couldn't have done more harm than she already did.

I couldn't even do my job normally, and Zack was about to notice it sooner or later. All that was left - that was still working normally - was my body. It just existed and did everyday stuff. My brain, on the other hand...


Caroline22nd February

It hurt to be without knowing, and it still hurts. Why? Why does it hurt that much? I just love him too much. It feels like someone had put on some kind of Jason's spell on me, really. I think about him every minute for about 5 times and as it's not enough, he also appears in my dreams...

What has happened? Had someone encoded a program "Jason forever" inside me? Thoughts, dreams, body and spirit - everyone screams his name. It was routine for a long time, but he still is trying to be something more. Meaning of the life?

But what does that give? Headache, soulache, heartache, tears... And the worst thing is I can tell him nothing of that. Maybe after 2 years? Though, that's not for sure. I can't even think or do anything anymore. I want only one thing - to read his mind or know the future (only 'bout that would be enough).

Whatever, I can do everything, just to get to know the whole truth. But there's no completeness.


24th February 

When you love the one who's killing you, it leaves you no options. But can't you kill me just now then, please? Think about the options: a) you would get rid of a crazy lover, b) I wouldn't have to suffer that much, too.Actually, there's one as well: c) you can tell me you love me. It would be even better, but the choice is yours.

I closed the diary angrily.
It's not normal. I went mad, seriously.
I read the things I wrote over again.

I put my hands over my head and fell onto the pillows. The only smart creature, Angel to be exact - my cat -, who saw my complaints and pining every day, started to tap me with her paw.
I tried to ignore her and let my eyes wonder over the walls. Over the balcony door, armchair Jason had sat on, new mirror, the clock...

I sat up quickly.
"Thank you, Angel," I yelled, storming to the wardrobe and finding some clothes: light gray jeanswhite top and red plaid shirt. Sneakers found their way on my legs.
Where was I running? We had a meeting with all new 10th grade students!


"Look, this one's cute, too,"
You would think it was me. Nice, but actually it was Micha, who rated new classmates and the other 10th graders.
At the moment we - me, her, Cassie - turned our heads and looked at the guys Cyle was already friends with. Or they knew each others before. Knowing Cyle, it shouldn't surprise you.

Pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat.
My heart hadn't been beating like that for a while. It was when I understood I'd fallen in love with Jason. But I had already seen him - it made me extremely happy after long summer and now I stalked him endlessly with my glare -, but he wasn't where I was looking.

My eyes found a tall guy who had hair lots of girls would kill for.
Pit-a-pat, my heart continued to beat nervously.
I raised my brow, but I hadn't any time to think because suddenly he turned and looked me right into the eye.

That was the first day I saw Jake Evans. And as the future showed, a mysterious spark had born that day between us.

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