Every year is the beginning of something new. For students, the beginning of the school year is also start of something new. But if you suddenly become a highschool student, it's even more different than just another new year in the basic school.
I, for instance, decided to get a haircut. My hair, which used to reach my waist, reach only the shoulders now! Girls weren't exactly impressed with it, 'cause they would always envy me for my long hair, and they just couldn't understand how you can get bored with it. I comforted them by telling it will be long enough soon.
Jason decided he should wear more formal clothes. When he appeared at school on Friday, he was wearing a white T-shirt and a blazer instead of his usual black shirts. I had to close my mouth in case I would start drool over him, because, c'mon, if you have a sixpack like this before your eyes, you really can't help yourself.
Since that I called him flatteringly seductive.
And when the day before he looked at me - for a second, though - while sprinting, it felt like something .. divine-like.
Oh. Yes, it is really childish, ineed. OMG, he looked at me! Pathetic.
Something changed as well. Look, I really loved Jason, yes .. I was crazy 'bout him. Girls had to shush me more than ever and actually it was getting on my nerves too, that I couldn't stop thinking about him. More and more with every day.
But .. there was someone else as well. Nothing serious, though. I wouldn't say I was in love again - I guess not. I wouldn't even be sure you can be in love with two persons at the same time. But there was something. Liking, affection, crush? I can't tell. But never again I looked at Jake Evans like an usual classmate.
He had looks. He was handsome, charming, smart .. and at the same time so different from Jason. Whereas Jason was "the mysterious guy", Jake was .. well, you can call him the life and soul of the class, at least one of them. He was immediately in Cyle's gang. And that wasn't cool. Because the company consisted of playboys and cheerleaders mostly and we all know what that means.
And although I once promised to myself never to fall for a player .. yep, I did that. Nevertheless, the more I observed Jake while he wasn't with his crowd, he seemed so different. He seemed .. distant, lost? That's why he seemed to have so much in common with Jason. And that, if I may tell, scared me.
Jason seemed to find a new .. distraction for himself, too. Okay, maybe I overreact. I confess absolutely honestly I'm the jealous type - yes, seriously, I may fall in love with someone else, but don't let him to do that. Silly. Stupid. Egoistic.
That someone was Analeigh. Yes, she may have been better than me. She was more beautiful, smarter .. she didn't ask the wrong question. I mean, Jason didn't need to tell her things all the time. I wouldn't say Analeigh was light-headed, let's just say she was way too flirt.
Of course she wouldn't be with Jason only, it's just my stupid jealousy. She would flirt with all the guys .. 'cept with the Cyle's crowd.
That's something positive.
It's just .. yeah, why did I hate her - it didn't last that long, but still -, I guess it was because Jason .. it wasn't like he was against it.
It wasn't like in my care: as he would get tired of me in MSN - another thing that drove me insane, that they could talk irl unlike us -, he would told me he's about to be away or whatever .. and then again, he and Analeigh spent lots of time together.
That frustrated me.
I think I was just envying her for not being dislikable. She seemed to be too pushy - the reason lots of girls in 10th grades would "hate" her -, but they didn't ask her to leave. They didn't ignore her. They were with her.
And as it looked like, Jason seemed to like her way more than me...
I wasn't even comforted by him looking at me more and more - I learned how to smile at him while locking our gazes - because looks are one thing and talking to someone is another.
Sometimes, it felt like we never had this talk in the summer.
We remained strangers, like a year ago. I knew .. things and reasons, but it's not like they changed our situation. I was still the girl who loved him with her whole existence and he was the guy who pretended not to know anything about it.
Nonetheless .. at times he would do something that made me believe I'm not nothing for him. For instance, if I suddenly look at him and find him observing my legs, then yes, it does make you feel happier. Or when he talks with Analeigh one moment and the next you find him in the gap in our wardrobe just because I would have to touch him slightly while passing by, then I don't know...
Of course he found some time to talk to me. About homework, for example. Such an interesting topic, isn't it?
But what was before was gone. The spark between us had faded if not burned out completely.
It's totally depressive. I hate it. I hate my life. No .. I hate myself.
Of course I don't deserve to be loved. I hurt the girl that loves me with her whole heart, only because I'm such a coward.
I mean, I actually wanted to save Caro from. Zack. I didn't want Zack to know how much Caro means to me. Because I wasn't sure what this bastard would have done with her then. With his egoism he wouldn't stop before anything.
Only that the way I "protected" her was quite .. cruel? Rather heart-breaking.
Analeigh was a good choice because she didn't take her flirt with others too seriously. For her, it was nothing but harmless flirt.
But I could see from Caro's eyes how devastatingly that "harmless flirt" affected her. I was afraid she might have broken every moment.
She was a steong girl, indeed - who else would wait for an idiot like me, anyway? -, but you can't be too strong if the attach is not stopped soon. In my case, the attach was flirting with Analeigh, which was actually about to show Zack that I didn't care about Caroline, but with my principles I had totally forgotten about other spectators.
I still tried to show her I cared about her and that she wasn't just anyone for me, but how much would you believe, if the reality shows something totally different?
And the problem was, she was trying to "comfort" herself with someone else.
Jake Evans. He had just entered the town, but it came out he had some experience in mafia as well. So Zack asked him to join us. And like that wouldn't be enough - little time passed and he was already an adviser of one group.
First, he steals my girl, then he's all about to command her, too .. great. My girl, really?
It's so freaking depressive.
I missed her. I missed how we used to talk for hours. I missed how she always understood me. How she was the only one who could make my life in mafia better - before I would think it's impossible.
And what I gave her in return? Pain, tears and ignoring.
Anywho, yeah, it felt like my life was only getting worse.