SL #30: You ruined it all, Zack

Parties are cool. Mostly. They help you to loose the situation.
The only problem about them is, you never know what can happen. You never know who will be in a cloud or drunk and what interesting thing are they to tell you. If you're not the one to be drunk, though.

Happily for me, I didn't like to have over one can of cider. I just didn't understand the point of being drunk. However, it didn't mean I wouldn't have some adventures. To begin with, Josh wanted to drag me to the sauna.

Usually things would have happened to me when girls weren't around. There was only Michelle on the party and she left at about 12 PM.

Oh right, Alasia was too .. yes, I found myself a new best friend.
Or new ears. Okay, I'm not actually that mean.
But Alasia .. okay, usually I would associate the fact nothing happens to me while girls are near just because Jason knew they knew, so he didn't do anything. Only that Jason wasn't on that party - what a pity -, so I don't know .. okay, let's just assume things that contain Jason doesn't happen to me while girls are near.


My eyes were closed - this way I could concentrate on breathing in cold air. Alasia was smoking waterpipe and Josh was resting after another visit to sauna. Everything was fine until I felt someone fingering my hair.

My eyes went wide open and I looked at Josh who was doing it.
He didn't seem to bother himself with how much I got scared by his sudden "interruption". It was only because of this suddenness, I got scared, because I knew no drunk nor usual Josh would never do anything to me.

"Is your hair really that straight?" he asked.
I would have started laughing if it wasn't bemocking him. Josh isn't the guy who'd deserve that, after all.
"So you don't straighten them?"

I was just about to shake my head when it occurred to me that Josh was still holding my mane.
"Nope, totally natural,"
"You haven't even dyed them?"
"Only the black highlights," Hahaha, seriously, since what guys would ask you about your hair?

It was just such a funny moment. I still haven't figured out why he did that. Maybe it was because of the alcohol he had drunk, maybe he really was interested...

"You sure you don't want to go to the sauna?"
He asked that for the fifth time.
Only after a second I understood he should have asked the sixth as well.

"Hey, Caro," Josh said suddenly. "What's with MSN personal messages?"
Whaat?! "What do you mean?" Keep your voice normal, keep your voice normal.
"Well, they seem to be to someone..." Oh god. "Some relationship, huh..?"
"Ehm .. kind of," I guess.

Sadly, Josh'd asked that at the very wrong time. Alasia had left, Zack joined, so he used the opportunity: "With Jason, isn't it?"
Holy crap. "No!" I almost shouted and my voice sounded way too desperate. "Why? And why are you doing that after all? There's nothing between us!" Nice, Caro, it sounds like sooo convincing.
"That doesn't mean there is nothing,"

Josh kept talking, thank god - I could say that for the first time in my life! - with Zack, not me. I could only hear words "Jason" - that sounded surprised -, "with him", "that dude" and "sexy", but they didn't make any sense to me - I couldn't connect them. I wasn't trying, though, I realized later I should have.

Because one thing is when Micha says: "Let's be honest here, everybody likes Jason", and totally different is hearing others opinion about that mysterious guy.

It only lasted for a couple of minutes, but it was enough for my emotions to get all mixed up: anger, sadness, fury, emptiness...
How could he? Why would he still do that? What have I done to him?

I don't know if Zack did that to just irritate me - 'cause let's be honest here, he was like that - or unconsciously, but he stayed there. He remained sitting in that chair in diagonal from me, and just before me sat Josh, who didn't seem to move either.
I simply kept smiling, just like nothing had happened. But the truth was, never again would I have shown Zack what he had done to me.

Soon, Alasia found us. Guys stood up in unison and left the balcony - conspiracy? Doubt that.
"You look sad," Alasia stated as the guys left us and the door closed after them.
I tried to smile but my lips could only twist into a grimace. "Indeed I'm not very happy at the moment," I muttered really silently.
I doubted Alasia even heard that.

But the good thing about Alasia was, she knew how to hear. And I don't mean listening at that point - she was actually interested in what you tell her. You could discuss things with you, she would give you good advice and you could be sure people wouldn't know your secrets through her mouth.

"What happened? There was really tense silence between you, Josh and Zack..." she said carefully, surreptitiously.
There was silence between us? I had to be deep in my bubble not to notice that, indeed.
I nodded 'cause I couldn't answer anything because of the clot in my throat.
I knew it wouldn't take long for me to break down. And even if I knew very well I couldn't cry for any price, I didn't want to be strong at that moment at all.

Maybe it wasn't that bad .. oh, why would I lie to myself? For me, it was terrible.
 *And, as the future showed, got even worse *
But why I didn't want to be strong .. I guess it was because I'd been strong for too long. 'Cause the truth is, not a single person can be strong for too long if one does not have support. I was alone for the long time - just to save everyone from my drama, as they had suffered enough from that...

I tried to swallow the clot - I succeeded, though I couldn't help but cry.
I could feel warm wet tears streaming down my cheeks. I cried silently as I had to tell Alasia what happened.
I didn't succeed at that, either: since being a child I couldn't keep my voice from shaking, it shakes like leaves while wind blows.

"He really .. said that?" Alasia's voice shook, too, but from anger. When I looked at her, there was rage in her eyes too. "What a bastard,"
Her mood changed quickly as she looked me in the eye - now she was back to being a caring and helpful girl I was used to know.

"You need a light alternation," she started. "Josh has some vodka cocktails down there..."
She stopped as I shook my head: "You know I don't like vodka. Besides, alcohol doesn't really solve problems..."
"Mm.." she said thoughtfully.

The balcony door went wide open - Josh was back.
"Caroline, I think you still should go to sauna,"
Alasia's head turned to me in a sec. "It's just what you need," she began.
I stood up quickly. "I know,"
And, surprise-surprise, her positive attitude got into me and I found myself smiling back at her.


Eh, okay, don't start to panic, Caro, don't panic, oh, please.
Actually, when I said 'yes' to that .. alternation and went to sauna, I wouldn't even think that Josh had drunk too many vodka cocktails to visit sauna .. naked for instance? Because that's what he was.
Not that it'd annoy me much .. like, okay, he's drunk, he doesn't have a crush on me, so okay .. let's get over it.

I was in my underwear, leaving my clothes on Josh's bed and got the towel to cover myself.
Sauna was .. good.
Mm .. okay, okay, I'll share with you, too.

At first Josh showed me the showers and I didn't see inside the sauna.
But when we entered .. ooh. 
There was .. Jake. In the towel, too, but unlike me it was around his waist, so I had an amazing look at his sixpack, thank you very much.

He had beer in his hand and I followed slowly the can towards his lips and then looked him in the eye, which was looking in mines, too.
I looked away, blushing - though it may have been because I was in a hot sauna? -, so he wouldn't understood I did nothing but checked him out delicately.

As he was sitting just in the middle of the platform, we had to sit on the both sides of him.
No, of course I was totally against sitting next to him, mhm. I must be a terrible liar, am I not?

Sadly Jake finished that idyl after 5 minutes and stood up - dunno, if he'd finished his beer or .. dunno.
There was silence between us, not awkward at all - you could be silence with Josh and it was totally okay, without anyone being awkward.

We could hear laugh from the balcony - the sauna was connected with a window with the balcony and there were Sophia, Reece, Zack outside and I could hear Jake's voice too.
"Caroline and Josh started the foreplay swiftly," Sophia commented.
Some moments of silence and we both yell: "What the fuck, Sophia?!"
We couldn't help but laugh at that as well.

I actually was afraid Zack may do something .. comment that I can't have a foreplay with Josh - zomg, really? -, as I already like someone else - btw, he could say the name out loud. Strangely he didn't do that.
Oh, Zack, when did you turn into such a nice person?

"So what's with the PM-s?" Josh tried again, hushing his voice.
I ignored Sophia's whisper: "Look, they are silent now," and answered simply: "I can't talk about this. Not want to, if being honest,"
Happily Josh asked no more.

I couldn't spend more than 15 minutes in the sauna, so I left Josh alone there.
Door closed, light shower - I just sprinkled some water on my body, not to run around all sweaty -, turn to the right, another, open Josh's room door ...

"Oh," I couldn't help but whisper, finding Jake, who had set himself very comfortably on Josh's bed, just on my clothes.
How nice.

For some moments we just eyed each other. A smirk played on his lips and I had no idea what that could mean, though, I knew very well that if he'd say what I thought about - I'm not going to tell you 'cause it's really .. dirty-minded -, I wouldn't say no.

It's weird that even loving Jason hadn't changed that. If being honest, things that happened next day even made me regret that a bit, that I hadn't told him anything.
I think Jake realized then what was the problem and got off the be. He didn't seem to go away, though: he occupied Josh's computer instead, having his back at me.

I sat on the bed and let the silence fall between us for some time. It was enough for my thoughts to run on full-speed again.
Later I tried to assure myself that I felt nothing but the passion towards Jake, because let's state the fact you can't actually date a playboy like him - okay, sorry, I disproved it later; it was just because of his behavior back these days  -, but that was false.
I can't tell for sure, but .. okay, I skip too much history. Let's appreciate the moment.

I glanced at him for a second, his back if being exact - omg, look at these muscles, may I touch them Jake? Oh god -, because he wasn't facing me.
I sighed silently to myself and got dressed to go outside.
I left the towel on the bed and went outside quietly.

There was Alasia again, who smoked waterpipe.
"You sure you don't wanna try?" she asked and looked at me.
I shrugged. "I think you can call it alternation,"

She held out her hand with the pipe and I inhaled a great drag.
It tasted like cherry and felt good. Surprisingly good. I exhaled, letting cherry wander inside my body.

"Well?" Alasia asked, grinning.
I smiled widely at her. "I think there's no hope for me anymore to be a good girl. It's just so fucking amazing,"
I'm gonna be honest here - I felt like I'm already addicted. It really was fucking good.


When there were only about 10 of us - at about 2 o'clock, I guess?-, Jake got hungry and he decided to fry some eggs for himself.
Which meant all of the girls that had left - me, Alasia, Sophia ja Analeigh -, stopped all of our actions just to look at it.

My excuse was, c'mon, how many times you would actually see a macho like that - that's what he was - cooking for himself?
We practically lived on Jake's back, having gathered by his side and looked at the pan with interest.

Analeigh wanted to help him - she was the girl who flirted with every guy - told ya already - and wanted to "help" everyone; finally it felt she just did it to brag, as it happened all the time, or it really was her nature -, but Sophia shushed to her: "Oh, chill out. I know you wanna help, but let him struggle alone,"

It was still the time I hated Analeigh a bit - because of Jason ofcourse -, but indeed there was the thing I liked about parties. In calm atmosphere it's easier to socialize with people.
So I didn't push her away when she hastened towards me to hug me after Josh and Alasia. Besides, she was the one who came with me when I went upstairs to say "goodbye" to the guys just because I'm polite. We were asked to fuck off, though, but at least we tried!!

Outside there was a slight breeze and it entangled my hair. I turned for the last time to wave to the people on the balcony, then sat on my motorcycle to hurtle home.
If only I had been smart enough to enjoy that amazing night .. to be happy for the last time over lots of time.

(A/N: fotod. P.S. Dogs are great! Cats are better!)

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