SL #32: Convincing enough .. but only from the outside

Smile, Caroline. It has to be convincing.

I smiled at the image in the mirror. Maybe it would be better to say, 'tried'. I had to look as persuasive as possible. I had to look like nothing had happened. Like everything was like usually. Like everything was okay.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I succeeded. If judging by how quickly Jason had tracked down my feelings, not very successfully...
Jason. That Jason again. Can you the fuck stop thinking about him?! Okay, you're truthful enough.


I should get an award soon. I'm especially good at hiding my feelings - no one has asked if something's wrong for now, and that's a good sign. I don't believe they're discreet enough not to ask. No one is discreet enough not to ask anything. So I'm pretty cogent then. Jason is just .. different.

I actually knew I can smile, though I'm crying inside. I had to do that pretty much, that's how I'd learned. So I guess I gilded the lily in the morning, practicing before the mirror. Although, Chantal asked in the morning how everything had gone. Cassie and Alasia too. All I said was, "good". They probably understood it had to mean something like, yeah, everything's like usual: nothing too much, nothing underrated .. like usually. Only that nothing was "like usually" anymore.

That was more than the truth.
I had messed everything up and he had acted like a bastard. I, because I started that hated by him topic, and he, 'cause he didn't give a fuck again.
If being honest, I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about him. At all. But the problem in my case was, in the war between Heart and Brain (aka Clear Thinking), the heart always won, even if clear thinking could win some battles.

That time, though, something unexpected happened, so the both of them joined their forces to win a corporate villain - Jason's stubborness.
Heart chose the weapon - by it's personal interest of course -, brain chose the strategy. Their collaboration was impressive.
Three of us came to an understanding we had to make Jason jealous.

After everything we had had with Jason - I'd really like to put in in quotation marks, so he won't misunderstand again -, Jake was somewhere on the background, though he was still wandering somewhere on my mind.

I wouldn't say I was in love with him or something, it was rather some kind of liking - affection maybe? I mean, he was hot, he had brains and sense of humor .. okay, I'm not being fair to Jason, as he has these qualities as well.
It was actually quite funny how at the same time they had so much in common and yet were so different, and I felt something for both of them.

Jake was the boy from the creme de la creme, communicative, a smile was almost always playing on his lips and he wore bright-colored clothes. One of the cons in his case, as he was from the popular gang, he was, in principle, 24/7 party-rocker and you never knew how real his emotions/feelings were.

Jason was .. calm, mysterious, spent lots of time in his computer and his favorite color was black. His con was, you never knew what he meant by saying something, and if you asked, he might not answer.

Nevertheless, I was drawn to the both of them. A lot to Jason, plenty to Jake.
Though, it didn't feel like they were interested in me much.
"Much", because .. well, I don't know. I was a person who notices things. So when Jake suddenly decided to sit next to me in Math - Michelle wasn't at school -, then it actually made me think.

"Hey," he said and smiled at me.
His long hair spiked into different directions and I had an urge to touch it. It was so cool!
"Hey," I smiled in response, after grappling with my thoughts.

"Won't you be against me sitting next to you today?"
Usually, Jake would sit next to Brittany behind me and Micha. Only that Brittany was absent that day, like Micha. Cassie, Chantal and Alasia showed me their thumb-ups, as my eyes wondered on them for a moment.

Of course.
They liked Jake, too.
As my boyfriend, I mean.

Then I remembered Jake was still waiting for my answer, so I said: "Of course not, I hate sitting alone,"
Somewhere from the distance I heard Cyle's ja Zack's laugh and thought whether it was some kind of joke.

From the corner of my eye I saw Jake furrowing his brows and raised my head - when had I become chapfallen? 
"Mm .. don't worry 'bout them," he muttered.
I looked at him as not understanding what he was talking about.

"I know what you're thinking now," he mumbled. "It's not let-make-fun-of-the-nerd-game. I .. oh,"
He coughed and said: "Sorry, I didn't mean offending you. You are not a nerd. Just a quiet girl, I'd say."

I didn't even get a chance to say anything.
Whoa, that guy manages to say more words in a second than me.
"Anyway, yes,"
What else has he said?

I gazed at him, still saying nothing.
Jake smiled all the time and it mirrored from his eyes as well.

"You talk a lot," I stated and smiled.
After a short moment of rethinking, I realized you could understand this sentence in really different ways, at least in my opinion, blushed and started: "I meant..."

"No, you are right," Jake's warm smile made my heart beat faster. "I don't give you a change to say anything. Sorry."
He is so nice. Is it even possible, to like two people at the same time? Ah, what the heck am I talking about?

Just because it was lunch break, I could talk with Jake extra long and it was good. He made me laugh endlessly and when the lesson began, I had to hold my stomach as it was aching from never-ending quivering and laughing.
He really was nice, but ..

Jason sat parallel with my table and as I sat closer to the window, I leaned my back on the wall, and besides having amazing view to Jake, I could also see Jason.
Even if he didn't know I was looking at him, my eyes did that at times. Totally inadvertently.

All that time he watched me almost respite. As soon as another gale of laughter escaped from my mouth, his eyes were on me, examining my face and murdering Jake's back.
All the time I didn't feel like I care because I felt happy .. even from the inside. I felt like my smile was genuine...

But at the very beginning of the lesson, Jake had turned his eyes on the board already, I sent a glance at him, then I understood it was not.
That my brain managed to circumvent my heart and persuaded in that lie.

But maybe it wasn't my brain that did that? Maybe it was Jason's eyes where I saw that deep sorrow once again, which made my heart ache again and again?
I didn't know. But I knew too well that if he feels that sad, I can't be completely happy as well. Even if he is responsible for that.


In the next lesson, the girls shot Jake-themed questions at me, though I managed to cop out of it somehow. I just smiled and ensured the girls it was just sit by, nothing special. Even if it wasn't.

Really, the thing was, although I'd never noticed these "feelings" Jake made me feel before, talking with him and his "first steps" made me do that.
I began thinking why would he suddenly get my attention and so.

Alasia would say: "Jake's a hot guy, he has a fantastic body, intelligence, he has a good sense of humor .. he's like perfect,"
Yeah, that's what she'd say.

Of course Jake was all of that and I even could condone his little cons .. but I just couldn't let go of Jason.
He had hurt me, right, but he also hurt me while ignoring me the previous year. Nevertheless, I was able to love him.

Anyway, at the end of the day I came to a conclusion I wasn't able to hate Jason. I realized I was already missing him - after just one day! And that I could pardon his flaws .. and secrecy and .. everything. I just loved him and wanted him the way he was.

Only that Jake's place in my heart wouldn't leave me alone.
Oh, and by the way, once you're ready to forgive someone, they start playing the game.

(A/N: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/Alustame%20tyliga%20ja%20tyli%20ise/?action=view&current=bfaa30df.pbw)

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