I exited the school, setting my beanie and the bag in their places. I turned around one more time to wave at Michelle and Cassie, who went in different direction. Then I turned around, eyes on the ground, but looked up again, I saw him some meters afar.
My steps got messed and to prevent falling I stopped. Inadvertently, a bright smile appeared at my face, like always while he was around. That was reflex in my case.
Is he waiting for me?
My legs wanted to ignore the order - they wanted to storm towards him, not caring about anything, but I remained on my place, not sure what it mean.
I walked to him calmly. Haha, calmly, yeah, right. "So we'll do it today?"
"Yeap, gotta get over with it,"
I smiled at him until heard Zack's quite mean voice somewhere near.
"She got what she wanted, once again,"
I almost heard how he gritted his teeth.
I bit my lip painfully, being ready to take off and scratch that lame dude's eyes, but it was like Jason'd foreseen my intention and grabbed me by .. no, not by shoulder, he actually grabbed me by waist.
Can you imagine that? No? Same here.
He pulled me closer, so my back was intimately against his chest and stomach.
"Let me go, please," I said through my teeth.
"No," his breath tickled my neck, so it sent waves of heat through my body - like always -, "if I let you go now and you scratched Zack's eyes out, we couldn't do our work today,"
Only then I understood what was actually happening. Zack was still grinning some meters afar, though looking at us with surprise.
Yeah, Jason's hands around my waist. Wow, indeed!
I guess it occurred to Jason as well then what was happening. His hands disappeared from my waist.
You're apologizing for that? Shit, I want that again. "It's okay," I smiled at him, trying to lighten the situation. "I think criminal processes are not necessary at the moment,"
"Don't forget what I told you, Jason!" Zack yelled, storming to the bus and preventing Jason's answer.
I assume no one understands what the hell is going on. I haven't understood it completely too, why would Jason grab me by my waist .. but generally, it's because we had to do pair work. Again.
It seems Stromwell likes consonance of names Jason and Caroline because he put us in one pair again.
Pair work was about making a presentation about our favorite town. Citizens, location, whatever.
It wasn't a problem for me - languages wasn't hard for me at all. It was more problematic to be around Jason for that many hours.
I sat on the floor, wearing a sweater with large necking that exposed my shoulders, and ripped jeans.
I glanced at Jason once again, who was, clattering the keyboard, too. I smiled, noticing a smile on his face, and turned back to my work.
"I'd just completed this slide,"
His voice resounded way too close and as I turned my head, I almost touched his face - he was only a couple of centimeters afar.
Jason's eyes bored into mines and my into his and...
He licked his lips and sat up - he was lying on his stomach - and started talking about what more we should add to our slideshow.
We'd almost kissed, I thought for another time, trying to calm myself down. My heart kept bouncing like crazy because of his closeness...
"Don't you want to shut up?" I asked and squinted my eyes at him.
He'd been talking for about 10 minutes.
Did I memorize anything? I hadn't even listened.
"Or what?" he asked, a smirk playing on his lips.
"Or .. or .. I'll kiss you,"
I knew it was actually playing with fire.
His voice was warning, but something in his eyes .. I can't explain .. but it was something that .. wanted it wasn't just a warning?
Silly Caroline. He would never think that way. Not now at least. "I know, just shut up then,"
"Fine. I'm all offended now,"
He pouted like he was really upset.
Hadn't been able to keep myself from giggling, I told him: "You can't even imagine how cute you are when you pout,"
"Cute? Really, Caro, really?"
We had been working for some time when I finally got enough courage to ask what I wanted to since waking up.
"How much Zack knows?"
"Only that much you like me,"
I furrowed my brows. "If he doesn't know the whole story, why would he repeat this?"
"Ask him," he snapped suddenly.
When I managed to upset him?
I straightened up and parried: "I tried. He wouldn't say anything exact. And I'm afraid he may .. spread it. Like a proof something's happening,"
"Don't listen to him. He's just jealous,"
"But .. Jason? How can I not care? He does nothing but instigates everyone to read my blog. Tries to show everyone how in love I .. am," I looked at him through the forelock. It was the first time I actually said that in his face.
"I sorta don't care,"
"I would never think that of you,"
"Until he doesn't tell lies,"
"I mean he thinks something is happening, but he doesn't know anything, though wouldn't stop repeating there's something,"
"I don't believe that," His voice was cold as ice. His whole being was .. angry. "I've heard him speakingl,"
"Yes?" I felt the anger boiling in me, too - he just sat there like nothing'd happened! Well, sure, he wasn't the one to suffer yesterday .. But it got terribly on my nerves how he could just be. "What do you think he speaks? 'Cause as I understood from yesterday..."
"Is there any difference?"
I wanted to attack him. I loved him and stuff, yes, but I would never endure that .. that dumbness.
"Yes!" I almost yelled. "There is actually. I do care what people are talking 'bout me,"
He shrugged again. "He doesn't say anything that is not true while I'm near,"
I looked at him - he was all Mr. Calmness again, the anger was gone.
How, how does he do that? Or maybe he has PMS, so his mood is changing all the time? Oh god, I just hadn't said that. "I'll tell you what happened yesterday,"
And I did. How everything began with Josh's question and how he chose such a bad timing that Zack was there as well .. but I had to answer in case I wanted to make it all look strange.
And the more I watched him, the quieter my voice became .. because his face .. he was furious again.
PMS, indeed. "And I wouldn't mind if he told that me straight in the face, but not in front of others,"
I squeaked as he began talking: "What do you mean by 'kind of'?! Relationship is between two people, you know,"
I knew very well that heart-breaking isn't just a phrase. When Jason was ignoring me last year, I totally felt it physically, too. But I was still surprised by that abrupt, incisive pain in my heart when he said that.
Did he really .. say it? So for him it all was just .. what? "Well, like..." Aah!
I tried to keep my voice normal, but it shook horribly: "Yes, sorry, I didn't mean relationship. I meant .. that something's happening. That PM-s aren't for nothing,"
"Something's happening?" His voice cut my heart worse than a knife would.
Is he serious? "I didn't mean that.." I muttered.
I don't know how I managed not to cry. No one, absolutely no one understands how much his I-don't-give-a-fuck behavior hurt me.
Sorry, I don't like to cuss, but no polite language suites here.
After how he had behaved .. on that day and what told me .. I would never guess he can hurt me that much.
"What did you then?" he demanded in hardened voice.
I cowered and became even smaller compared to him. "That .. it's messed up. No, wait, I know,"
Sudden knowledge gave me the power, so I straightened my spine and said: "When I said something's happening, I meant something can happen in the future, not that something's now,"
My truth didn't change anything in him.
"Yes, but you don't say something can happen when there's nothing. When you say that, people may think there's something between us,"
How dared you, Jason? All the looks, touch .. not officially, but... "But there's not," I whispered and my voice sounded .. hopelessly.
"Exactly," I seemed like he liked the idea. "So. You. Say. That. There. Is. Nothing. Between. Us," He emphasized every word, especially highlighting "nothing".
But now I got tired. I couldn't handle that anymore. Not anymore. "I said something's happening in my life, but I said it straight out there's nothing between us," I said in a breath. "So .. Don't. Worry." I felt my lips trembling, but I didn't allow myself to be weak.
Not anymore, I repeated in my head.
"OK," he said then.
My eyes went wide open.
OK? That's all you can say?! Firstly, who are you and what you did to my Jason. Secondly, if you really are Jason, then thank you very much, as your anger spree is over, now it's my turn. "You know, sometimes I think you've regretted endless times you even started talking to me,"
He jerked, but I ignored it, not caring why he did that - even if it hurt him, if it's possible to hurt him.
"In that exact moment when you .. lurked for me, let's say, I understood you like me. So I knew what I'm doing,"
Really? You can be .. normal? "I know, you mentioned that ..so you don't .. regret? Really?"
"The only thing I regret is saying "Never say never." It gave you too much hope,"
"Maybe you should have thought better," I said poisonously.
"Maybe you shouldn't be such a busybody? You can't just come here and tell me how to live my life! You don't even know what I've been through,"
"Of course I don't! How's that possible if you haven't opened up to me, for fucks sake?!"
"Who are you to me that I should have?"
A girl who loves you? "I have no idea! I only know I've always been here for you and the only thing you give in return is pain. It feels like you don't want anyone to care about you,"
"Don't talk about things you don't know,"
"Don't do that, Jason. Don't to that. I feel like I'm losing you. Tell me it's not true,"
"It's not," Really? "You never had me,"
I gave him a murderous glare. "Enough,"
I stuffed the laptop and its wire into the bag and passed by him, dully. I didn't look at him. Mostly 'cause I was afraid of what I would see there. After everything I'd said.
I was in the hallway, putting my sneakers on, when I heard his steps coming closer.
"Caroline .. I didn't mean it that way,"
"I don't care anymore what way you did,"
"How about you calm down and listen?"
"I'm sorry, it's hard for me to show kindness to people that hate me. I'm not that evolved. I'm not like you,"
"The sad thing is, I actually thought you were different. But I guess that's what you get when you trust people too easily. I'm gonna send the other part of the work on your e-mail,"
With these words I was out of the hous.
I raised my eyes and found Ade glaring at me, her hands crossed on her chest.
She tilted her head. "You really are an idiot, Jason, you know that?"
I could have started yelling at her for eavesdropping. But I had fucked up enough to offend the last person - one of the two - who actually did give a shit about me.
I turned my eyes at her and saw her facial expression changing - from total anger to surprise -, 'cause .. 'cause I cried, I really did cry.
"I know, Ade .. I .. know,"