12.11.12

SL #34: Pain makes people change

Okay, that IS annoying. Why did I even have to come with Micha? Ugh...

I mean, the thing was, Micha had to bring the book back to the library. And I decided to join her as you really don't have anything better to do during the lunch break.
And - thanks to the destiny .. or Universe .. or whoever - Jason was there, too, with Ian and Josh.

I stood next to Micha as she returned her book, but after that we .. dunno, somehow managed to stay there.
And where ever I went, Jason followed: I went to the bookshelf, he was behind me in a second, stood behind Josh to see what he was reading, and Jason had to do that, too!

That sounded paranoid .. but he really did that.
Leave me alone, J, I'm still angry at you.
Hell yeah, I was angry at him. That's why I continued my make-him-jealous-technique.
Okay, fine, I can never be completely sure he actually is jealous .. as he doesn't even like me .. I guess. No matter his actions shows contrary. Ugh-oh.

Well, I still tried to talk to Jake, but .. let's say, it really felt like a game, what he did the day before. Or I over thought again.
But not this nor the next day - okay, I'll say it right here: we didn't talk to him until our final vacation that year, which means .. some weeks - our paths didn't cross.

Of course I saw him looking at me .. we just stood in the different sides of the hallway and gazed at each other, nothing more.
Suddenly I got a though: what if Jake is really nothing more but a player from the creme de la creme, who does nothing else but parties almost every day? And not only parties...
Ew. That's nasty.

But I had to pretend everything was alright. That nothing was wrong, whatever .. The inside had to suffer.

Anyway, by the end of the day I was happy I could escape. Usually I would go for a walk by the sea, like two previous days, but Jason was to go home by his bus - where ever he circumambulated these two days - and I didn't want to join him. I decided to join the forest this time instead.

***

I don't have anyone anymore. I'm all alone in this.

Being alone had rarely good effect on me, as you could have noticed already. But the problem was, I really wanted to be alone all the time .. even if it was devastating, it was the only chance not to tell anyone anything. At least for that I could be thankful to loneliness.

Nevertheless, it was more dangerous. You remember my break down in the beginning of the summer? Well .. I didn't break down that time .. but there was too much thinking space. I could come to the craziest conclusions or keep recalling some certain memories...

For instance, I was completely sure I couldn't get through itBy itself, I had potential to be strong and I was strong .. but no one can be too strong for too much time. So I knew that I couldn't bear with a week without Jason - theoretically.
First, there were too many memories. Then, how can you forget someone with whom your life is so connected?

Why are you so secretive? - What do you mean? - Like .. you have a principle to say as less as possible or something - I can't answer that.

You think it didn't bother me he didn't tell me so many things from his life? Of course it did. He drove me insane with that - in a bad way in that case -, but no one will ever tell you their whole story, right? Besides, he didn't even have a reason to, as we weren't even dating...

Thanks. - You're welcome. - I'll come by.

Is it enough to explain why I loved him? He could be a total asshole, but most of the time he was nice, friendly, made me laugh, helped me...

I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you. I need you to see that I'm not okay. Only that .. I try and try but nothing changes. You still don't want me.
Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these things with love, but in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.

One-sided love is a hard thing to cope with, though. But it still keeps you alive. Love feeds you.

It's like .. I really love you. But I really don't want to love you, because I know how you can be. I don't want to walk down that road again. Because then we are making the same mistakes. But then again, something keeps attracting me to you. I'm torn.

***

I spent two days in the forest after school. And as I've already said, it really makes you go insane. So if one day I was thinking why did I love him, the following I spent wondering wht would he hurt me so much.

What if this time, I don't say "hi"? What if this time, I don't text you back? What if this time, I leave you wondering?
Yeah, what if this time, you're the one left feeling completely fucked over. 

If starting counting, obviously I was the one who started talking to him first. But finally he understood the thing and did it by himself.

One day you'll love me, the way I loved you. One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you. One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you.
Ainult et seda päeva ei juhtu kunagi. 

Yeah, I though I can compensate it with Jake, but that would be impossible. I still needed him. Still, always and forever.

I care too much for a person who doesn't care at all for me. "Old" him would have cared .. but something'd happened. Because of some reason he was distant again.
Now he didn't care about me (again). Whereas I was broken, he was okay.

Actually I wasn't sure whether that was true. I wanted to hope it wasn't, but .. he didn't make any effort in talking with me. All he did was socializing with Analeigh. And trust me, he had to know that hurt me like hell.
Because he used to speak with me that way.

Now he would say something like: "She cares, that's her problem," and that would be true because I was the one to believe him. Who believed he could like me...

Tears are words the lips can't say.

My tears mixed with the rain, which suddenly began raining in torrents. Nontheless, I wasn't about to go home. I liked rain.
I let it soak my clothes wet.

I hope no one sees me now. My mascara is smudged for sure.
The thought managed even to make me smile.
After a second, the feelings were gone. 

I hate the feeling when you really don't have any emotion. You feel so empty. You're not happy, you're not sad. When your mind is spinning, but you can't feel anything.

Yeah, I probably came to a conclusion I had to go home or I the loneliness would completely get me insane. At least Angel was there.

I wanna fucking get drunk. I don't wanna feel anything anymore. I don't fucking care anymore, I thought after having changed my clothes.

But as I was about to rob the bar, a doorbell rang.
Fuck my life.

(A/N: photos)

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