16.11.12

SL #36: Everything's gonna be okay?

"What are you doing here?" I glared at the four girls on my doorstep.
"We .. are here to help you,"
"Help?" I raised a brow.
They looked at each others.
"I'm gonna be okay. Correction: I am okay,"
"Listen, we just wanted to throw a girls' night," Chantal said softly and raised her sleeping bag.
I sighed. "Okay, come in,"
Of course I wanted to be alone. But one does not simply send her besties away at night just because of her will. 

"Caro, you need to admit it to at least yourself, you're not okay," Chantal said, after they'd put their things away.

"How did you know?" I asked, resigning and closing my eyes.
"It's just that we see how you're looking at Jason and ..."

"At this point I don't even care anymore ..  about Jason and .. other things that are related with him,"

"That's what you tell yourself. But that's not true, you and I both know it,"

"We're too different .. he said it by himself. People like me don't belong with people like him anyway. Besides .. I don't miss him,"
"How many times can you fake a smile while all your friends are talking about their boyfriends/crushes and say you're fine without him? You act like nothing's wrong when you're just fighting the tears from streaming down your face. Everyone has a breaking point, so admit that you can't do this alone .. that you miss him .. and just cry. Trust me, it is okay. We're here to comfort you,"

"Maybe I should learn not to get too .. attached?"
"I don't think you can do anything 'bout that. Even if going back to an old love is stupid. It's like reading a book over and over again when you already know how it ends,"
"You know I constantly reread two of my favorite book sagas?"
Alasia sent me a glare.

"I know," I let my head fall. "But it's like .. once you love a person, you'll alwats love them regardless. No matter what happened between you two in the past, you still love them. You loved them before, you love them now, and you'll always love them. Maybe you no longer see them as .. your significant other or something; but you still love them and care for them the same way. It's either you loved them and always will, or you never did in the first place. First, in my case. Though .. I still have a hope for that 'forever together' thing. I can't imagine my life without him. I love him blindly and recklessly. Even if it consumes me,"

"It's sounds so slushy," Michelle stated.
"Oh, shut up. you!" Hisses from three sides attacked her.
"Find someone who isn't afraid to admit that they miss you. Someone who knows that you're not perfect, but treats you as if you are. Someone whose biggest fear is losing you. One who gives their heart completely. Someone who says 'I love you' and means it,"


 "Don't let him play with your feelings. You deserve someone who's consistent with what he says, someone who wouldn't want you to have second thoughts about him. Someone who really cares about you and wouldn't hurt you in any way,"


 "But everyone hurts. On or not on purpose,"
"Yeah, but that's too much. He knows what you are feeling for him,"
"That's why I can't let him go,"
"You just don't want to," Micha muttered and others nodded their hears in approve.
"No! Listen, I'll try to explain. It's like .. I hear his name and I feel pride in my heart, that I like him and so. And lately, I've also been feeling the passion. Seriously. It's getting hard to repress my desires, you know. And I use his name as little as possible at school. It's like I'm afraid someone's gonna hear that certain shade in my voice and figure it all out. Or he'll hear and start wondering what I'm talking about,"

"I know the first feeling. Passion .. that's interesting. In consideration of you're not together yet and he hasn't said it straight out, that he likes you. I mean .. how's that? What'd you want to do with him? And using his name as little as possible .. Though it would be a good way to get over the paranoia..."

"Passion like .. ugh, I can't exactly explain that. Just that I want him. Although I don't want him to sacrifice himself for me if it's against his will,"
"Sure .. can you make it?"
"It's not like I have a choice, you know. I don't want to loose him. I can't, not able to. It's just .. even if it sounds strange - I really do love him.. More with every day. "

"It's not strange at all. You've been after him like forever and feelings like this deepen by socializing and time. It's like the more you hide your feelings from someone, the more you fall in love with them .. and he doesn't exactly know you love him. And when you got to know that he actually has a different reason not to ask you out, not because he doesn't like you, then..."

"No, just .. lots of people say love comes with years, but .. I know it's true. The previous autumn the affection grew into liking him and somewhere in the December, it was love. Alasia'd said I've given him so many chances and he hasn't used them .. but I have no idea," I smiled sadly at the girl.
"I can't lead you from the distance,"
"Uh?"

"I'm not there. I don't know the situation. There's not a thing like universal solution. It's like... you have one quadratic function, let's say. That's you. Then there's another quadratic equitation  that's him. You have two intersections. I don't know what the solution is. Usually another line would be needed, the one that would penetrate only one intersection. But it's all more difficult as you're not quadratic formulas, but something more sophisticated, there are many-many intersections. And it may not be you two, but hundreds of other circumstances,"

"Oh .. god. It's so confused. So I may not seduce him?"
"I hadn't said that. You can seduce him as much as you want to," Chantal laughed silently. "However, don't do it too openly .. like on purpose or so,"
"Seduce not on purpose? 'Oh, I didn't mean to do that, sorry,'"
Now all of us were laughing.

"Truly, it's like .. remember he once told you he has no a single reason to pretend his behavior to you? That while being with you he doesn't try to be someone he's not,"
"Yes..."
"So there must be something. Because you know he's trying to be bigger fish than he actually is,"

* I recalled what Chantal had said that time: "He tries to conflate with others. She has a need to belong somewhere, too. Sadly he doesn't understand that there actually are normal people for whom he wouldn't need to play all cool guy. But he's so into these stupid stereotypes. He tries to show he's cooler than he actually is,"
"Like they all," I told her then.

"Bigger fish than he actually is. Like they all .. Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. For fuck's sake, he doesn't understand that it's just so .. stupid. I don't actually believe you've figured him out completely. Yeah, quite a lot, and he shows himself to you more than others, but .. yes. He won't succeed. He's good at bluffing, but bigger fish understand. Me and Ed, for example. But it's also stupid because there's not actually any point in trying this with bigger fish than you, moreover, you are bigger fish while being with the smaller ones anyway. However, if everyone does that, it's important to survive. And why would he even do that? So others wouldn't think he's a weirdo." *

"You sure know that just because something's not happening right now doesn't mean it'll never happen," Chantal brought me back to the realm from my thought.
"But, Chan, when then? So much time has passed by .. And Analeigh.."

"You know what Ed said? It's normal. 'I wouldn't send to the Moon  /straightly/, they should go by bypass. And I say: By elliptical trajectory, it's the most effective way.'"
"Chantal, can you use easier words, please?" Cassie said, sighing.
"Well, I think you two should just make up," Micha suddenly said, to my - and actually others' as well - surprise. "Just apologize and..."

"I'm not sorry. Why, for fuck's sake, would I apologize for something I didn't even fucking do?"
"Apologizing doesn't always mean you're sorry. It means you care about your .. relationship, let's call it that way now, more than your ego,"
"He has a big ego. And at the moment he should understand that,"
 
"I don't get it how guys can do so many mean things and not even care," Alasia shook her head.
"You know, there's something you should know," Cassie began, abashed.
We turned our curious eyes at her.

"Jason's mom was at our place one day .. just visiting. One moment they started talking about their children, aka me and Jason. So she suddenly started sighing and saying that I'm such a good girl, while Jason would always roam around somewhere and stay out late, being all mysterious nor telling anything..."

"Sorry, but I didn't hear anything new. I know that he does all of that,"
"Yeah, but she said he's staying out more lately, walking around, all sullen and stuff,"
I raised a brow. "Analeigh is way too pushy?"

"You're jealous, Caro," 
"Jealousy is my profession,"
"No, but seriously .. can it be that he actually feels something for you and is feeling low because of your falling?"
I shrugged. "I have no idea. We don't talk at all anymore,"

"Maybe you gotta let go of him .. like to freshen up or something? Because only then you'll see if it's worth holding on or not,"
"Just don't think .. if it feels right, it probably is,"
"It used to be so much easier before the argument," I sighed.
"That's what you get when you let your heart win,"

"My heart has always been dumb,"
"You still have to set it to right,"
"Yeah, you look too good together,"
I smirked. "We're not really together,"

"Something's telling me you'll be one day,"
They smiled at me.
"I can't fix if I don't know what's wrong,"
"You just gotta figure out who he is,"

"Yeah, prolly,"
"I see you're feeling better,"
That was true. Girls truly made me feel much better. I was feeling more confident as about Jason as about other things. I felt that I'm gonna get along. Manage everything.
"Maybe 'cause I really feel better,"

They smiled, self-satisfied. I guess they deserved that.
"How about we watch now something good?" Micha offered.
I nodded. "But not anything romantic, right?"
Micha nodded, too. "Enough romance, indeed,"

(Photos

And another "matematical solution" :P

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