25.11.12

SL #37: Girls .. why do they all want to beat some sense in my head so much?

Jason
"Jason!"
Please not again. "Go away, Ade!" I yelled in responce.
"God, all the town mustn't hear your yelling," Ade muttered, pulling my earphones off.
"Hey!"
"Much better, but more a bit quieter,"

I turned around in my chair, putting occiput in my hands and glowered at my sister.
"What do you want?"
"We need to talk," she began and took seat on my bed. "No, little correction: you need to talk,"
"I don't need to talk to anyone,"

"Ignoring the problem won't solve it," she stated and crossed her hands.
I did that, too, and pursed my lips.
For a couple of seconds we just stared at each other.

When I still didn't say anything, a honey-sweet smile appeared on Ade's face, she stood up and took a step closer to me.
"If you don't start talking during the next minute, I'm gonna delete all your games from the computer,"
I raised a brow. "You won't,"

"You don't believe me? Seriously?"
Truly, she could do that. But I didn't want to break down.
"I started talking,"

"I warned you," she said as the minute had likely passed.
"How do you explain something that you can't even understand yourself?" I gave up as she approached closer.
All together, I knew very well that only Ade could help me.
Not that I would ever ask... "How much did you hear?" I asked as she sat on the bed again.

"Kinda from the beginning,"
I cursed myself quietly under my nose.
"If you allow me to say..." she started, but I cut in: "Like you'd need a permission,"
She gave me a murdruous look.

Just like Caro.
With only difference, Adrianna's look was pretended, I guess. Caro, on the other hand, wanted to truly kill me.
There was a reason, you know...

"What I wanted to say, before I was very rudely interrupted-" the look "-you can't do that. You can't let Zack ruin everything,"
"Everything?"
"Your and Caro's..."
"Don't say 'relationship'. Please don't do that to me, too,"

"Okay. Make no mistake here. Whatever you have with Caro..."
"She made drama out of nothing,"
Indeed, I simply yelled at her and she got angry with me. That's really nothing. Who's now the drama queen here?

Ade raised a brow.
"Yeah, I know I'm a cad," I gnarled.
She smiled, but it didn't reflect in her eyes nor voice: "Nice that you realize it by yourself,"
"What can I even do? She won't even speak to me... it's like she .. like she hates me,"

It caused unbelievable pain in my chest. The thought that she could hate me... It was worse than all the pain I've ever felt in my life.

"Of course she won't talk to you! It wasn't her who started all of this. Oh, and, by the way, so you'd know guys: silence is a girl's louder cry. We hope it's a sign. It's like .. when I say "don't worry", you better fucking worry. Because the truth is, when we're upset or furious, we just clam up. Like someone's has turned out feelings. We smile while being in a company .. simply to avoid questions. But at the end of the day, we are who we are," Adrianna sent me a ambigous look. "It's the worst at night, when we're completely alone. That's when we break."

She went silent, like thinking about something. I thought about what she had said and didn't make a single sound.
"It's quite terrible, actually. We hope you're gonna make the first step to improve things, but because of your stubborness it can be prolonged, and we don't even notice how it slowly destroys us. Our main problem is, when we fakk in love, we fall hard. And let me tell you, Jason, you have a wonderful girl wrapped around your finger, and you gotta treat her the right way. Because if you won't treat her right, someone else will,"

I still didn't say anything. I couldn't. All she said .. it was so foreign. I was a guy and I didn't understand how I gotta get everything what I should do and so .. It was easy for us .. 'til there's nothing between me and a girl, I'm not obligated to say anything to her.
Duh, why should I?

But when Ade mentioned "someone else", my hands clenched automatically into fists. Just because I couldn't bear with a though about Caro in someone other's arms ...

Adrianna looked at me, accusing: "Oh, you don't say anything. Yeah, you really have no idea what she's feeling. We all can fake our emotions, can't we?"
"Just to think what I'm doing to her .. if it's really like you say .. I don't deserve her. After that behavior I don't even deserve to miss her,"
"Not t´hat. Well, yes, sometimes you act like a total idiot, but you still love her,"

"I don't love her,"
"You can't escape your feelings forever, big bro. And you can't play with her feelings. Tomorrow isn't always guaranteed. Not that it applies to Caro .. she loves you either way..."
"She doesn't love me,"

"Maybe she laughs-" Ah?! "-maybe she smiles. And maybe you'll be surprised at everything she keeps inside. Jason, dear, it's called faking emotions,"
"It still can't be true"
"Well, I think you being a mafioso can't be true,"

"It's not the same," I said through the teeth.
"Some obvious things don't change .. ever,"
"Whatever,"
"If you keep pushing people away, you'll be alone eventually,"

Ouch. "I don't care," What a lie.
"Yes you do,"
Am I really that baldfaced to Ade? "But I have to pretend I don't,"

Ade shook her head wildly. "You can't keep doing that forever, Jason. You have to count with others' feelings, too. Because you can't connect with people if you don't even try to understand them,"
"I can't do anything when Zack's on my back!" I breathed in responce.
I was as angry as a bull, who's being teased with that goddamn red cloth.
"Leave Zack, fuck Zack! Think about yourself .. what do you want?"

It wasn't a question, but my mind was eager to answer...
 I shook my head to get rid of way too pleasurable figment of imagination.
"I don't understand what you want from me. First, you say I gotta think about myself, the next moment you're telling me I gotta consider with others..."
"Caro makes you happy and you have to take into consideration her feelings,"

"Caro, she's .. she's caring. And kind. Selfless. And she makes me want to be different .. better. It's not what I wanted after Jade..."
"Then it's more than obvious you two gotta be together. She makes you happe. That you live, exist .. where are you going?"
"I have to calm down. And I have to think,"

***

Speed. I loved it. And Caro loved also...
I couldn't keep her out of my mind anymore. Not even there. Not even on the speedway where there was no cars at all, so I only speeded up more.
She had occupied my mind stubbornly and wasn't to come out.

It was like cussing: I won't leave you alone till you apologize.
Caro'd definitely say something like that.
And I knew I couldn't resist. Not with my principles nor perfect self-control. While with her it just .. disappeared. Like it never existed.

I hoped to get rid of my thoughts, of her, but I didn't succeed. I managed to be so deep in my thoughts, I found myself back in Orbost. On that certain road that led to the specific house, where  a special girl lived, with whom I had some unfinished business.

***

Caroline

For god's sake. I love street racing, too, but it doesn't mean you gotta ride around at 11 PM. Gosh.

I wanted to close the balcony door, though, but that'd mean the room would be musty, and I couldn't enjoy the full moon and fresh air...
So I stayed where I was. Lying on my stomach on the bed, Angel warming my side - not that I needed it with 25 degrees.. -, eyes on the computer screen.

I missed Jason. He wasn't available once again and .. actually, it was weird. To feel his presence through the screen. But I was the weirdo there..
The whole week we didn't talk, it didn't mean I wouldn't think of him .. he was still in my head and didn't plan on leaving.

It was always like that, but our .. falling-out made it more intensive, just because we didn't socialize at all. It was like .. if you're an alcoholic and you don't drink for a long time. Or a chain-smoker and don't smoke for a long time. Or a drug addict and don't get a dose. Or someone who loves sweets, but don't get them for a long time. Whatever.

But the truth was, you could see it and feel with a heart that I was into Jason. A lot. I wasn't a bit in love, he wasn't just my crush and I simply didn't love him. I was addicted to him. He was my alcohol, smoke, drug .. you choose how to call it.
But if you take him away, I'm a dead meat.

Besides, girls had made it clear to me that Jason WAS love of my whole life and that I should save whatever we had.
Only that why would I be again the one to do the first step?

Sudden movement on the balcony made me jerk.
It's 11 o'clock, the whole house is sleeping already and someone's on my balcony. Sounds nice.
Angel hissed when I stood up, but followed me, though.
I think it's amazing to go to the balcony where someone is, being only in an oversized T-shirt and undies. Mm .. every girl's wish.

I tiptoed to the door silently and peeked outside. But no one was there.
"Caroline," he murmured, but it still caused my cry - brief, though, as his hand on my mouth . "Shh .. it's .. me," he breathed in my ear.
I shut my mouth and he took his hand away.
"Jason," I whispered in response and turned around.

(photos: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/Alustame%20tyliga%20ja%20tyli%20ise/?action=view&current=bf579af6.pbw&ps=1&t=1343739212)

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