SL #38: Really, heart, we're gonna do that again?

"Let me guess. You're sorry?"
"Yes. I'm sorry,"
"'I'm sorry' is not enough. Next time you come around, I may not be here,"
"You want to get to know me, right? So I figured, before I ruin everything, I'll show you who I really am. But firstly, I have to apologize. I'm sorry I was such a disappointment to you,"

You think it was easy for me to stand there, all furious, when he .. stood there like a wet dog behind someone's door, asking for a warm place to stay over. At that very moment behind my balcony door and into my room.
Of course it wasn't. To begin with, I could never actually be angry at him, and to finish with, his state.

But I had to, okay? I couldn't always be the only one who cares and loves, and lets others to walk over her because of that. I had to show that arrogant boy how it feels.

"Sorry for what exactly? For making me feel like nothing? For making me cry? For making me wonder every day what I did wrong? For .. pretending to care? Sorry for making me think I  actually had a chance? You’re sorry?! I don’t know why you’re apologizing. I should apologize for getting my hopes up, I .. ugh. Besides, you can't take back what you've already said,"

"I was angry and didn't control myself, saying things I didn't mean,"
"Normally the truth slips out while you're mad. That's when it all comes out,"
"Are you mad at me?"

"Am I mad at you? That's your biggest concern after shattering my whole world? Mad for what? For breaking my heart? Or all the lies? Maybe for letting me put all my trust in you only to betray the decency to tell me you think it's crazy that I'm upset? Am I mad? No, more like crushed. I'm trying to let go, but it doesn't mean it's easy. Nor does it mean it doesn't hurt. I'm not mad, I'm hurt. Feel the difference," Drama queen.

And that was the moment Jason Lockwood managed to surprise me by doing something .. something totally different. He hugged me.
I buried my face in his shoulder. My hands found their way to his neck, locking there, and at that very moment I didn't care at all about his waiting time and my promise not to be too pushy. In the end, he was the one who hugged me first!

All that I could think was that I needed him. I needed his arms around me, needed him to hold me and whisper that everything's gonna be alright.
I had already forgotten I was being a total drama queen just a moment ago and really mad at him and...

"I'm just having a busy time ruining my life to get to know someone," he muttered, not letting me go. "You're one of not many I trust. I don't .."
"But you don't let me close enough,"
"Caroline..." he began, but I interrupted cruelly: "What? Am I wrong?"

He sighed. Too deeply and it made me slightly feel guilty. "No, you're right,"
He was silent for a second. "Are you okay?"
"Not really,"

"It's hard. Because I have no one to open up to, to tell someone,"
"You had me,"
"'Had' sounds too depressing. But I think that's for a reason. I do nothing but hurt you all the time. I always push you away,"

"I won't ever leave you, even though you're always leaving me. When things get bad, I'm here. When things are great, I'm here. When you're confused, I'm here. When you're pushing me away, I'm here. And even if when I'm gone, I'll always be here, for you, forever," Really, heart? We're gonna do that again?  "Because if we cease to believe in love, why would we want to live?"
He jerked at word "love".

''Say something. Monologue sucks. My parents already thinks I'm crazy,"
Whoa, you answered. "'Cause I talk to myself,''
He snorted. "Me, too," Then he was serious again. "You want to know why I left you alone? Because I care about your feelings more than mine,"

"What would that mean?" I murmured.
"There are people who .. disrupts,"
"Zack," I hissed quietly.
Jason nodded. "He also, but there are more,"
"But I like you,"

"It'd be better if you didn't,"
"You know what sucks about falling for a wrong guy? You fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different,"
"I know. And now I don't want that to change anymore. No one has ever made me feel like you do. I know you deserve better. And I feel like after everything that had happened you hate me,"

"After everything you'd caused to me I should. But all I want to do is be with you. And that's what I hate the most. That I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit. Not even at all."

"That's what I worry about. I thought if I give you time, you'll get over me, nor I'll hurt you that much,"
"Why don't you let people see good in you?"
"What exactly do you mean?" he was surprised by my sudden change of topic.

"Why don't you let people see good side in you? Caring, good side?"
"Because when people see good, they expect good. I don't wanna have to live up to anyone's expectations. But I didn't want to let you down. I don't want to crush your expectations. I wanted .. oh,"

"Jason?" I pushed him away slightly - you can't even imagine what effort it needed - and looked him in the eye.
"On the one hand, I want to protect you. Then again .. sometimes I feel like I'm the biggest danger to you,"
"Jason .. you're only dangerous to me when you hurt me for no reason,"
"I'm sorry,"

"Please don't apologize," I put my hands on the both sides of his face for him to look at me. "Did you understand what I told you?"
He nodded and I hugged him again. "Then nothing is important anymore,"

There were more things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.


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