A successful show always needs to be celebrated. No, we didn't win. We came second. But I think it is quite good for the first time. And as it was Friday, Josh threw a gathering at his place and our company headed there.
At first we played Alias. It was nice as always on the parties all the people would come together, divide into groups and start drinking. And no socializing. So that unusual chance for everyone to really be together was good for us.
That wouldn't mean of course everyone wouldn't split later. Josh's house was big enough for everyone to find a room for their group. Or sauna. Or bathroom. Or terrace. Where ever.
Don't please ask, how I managed to be the only girl on the balcony again. On the one hand, I was porte-poisse, but on the other the girl who would enamor the guys. Well, I don't know, I just like to hang out with them: no gossip or mean retorts. Just jokes. Sometimes dirty - it's when they forget you're a girl -, nevertheless, it's fun to be around them.
Anyway, besides me, there were Josh, who was resting after the sauna, Ian and .. Jason. Okay, I made up my mind. You may ask why I was the only girl. But don't ask, why he was there. He just .. joined when I came there. And I was still wondering why, for the f's sake, we couldn't be together, when it was more than obvious that we both want to be together. It was just .. bullshit.
"So, I'm heading back. It's getting cold," Josh said and, pulling his bathrobe closer, he staggered back to the sauna though his room.
I looked at the guys: they were both eyeing me.
"What?"I asked slightly annoyed and blew out puff of smoke.
Ian smiled foxily and, getting up, headed to the balcony door.
No, please. Don't go away, you can't just leave us .. alone. My thoughts were heading in totally different direction, though, not the one I wanted them to, but hey, I tried to do something that was healthy for me.
Okay, fine, I'm offended now, Ian. Seriously. I'm gonna kick your ass .. one day.
And so the two of us were left alone. Me smoking the hookah and he sitting just before me, only a meter afar.
Oh god. And how do they think I can resist?
I blew out another puff.
What would I do without parties.
"Is it good?" Jason asked, looking me straight in the eye.
Please don't look at me like that. "'Tis," I breathed.
You think it was easy? To sit with him like that? Of course, everyone knows that I and Jason have been left together for quite a few times, but it didn't mean anything. I mean, every new moment, the stronger vibes would hit my body and holding myself back was getting harder with every time. And it was still hard for me to talk to him. Even after that goddamn dance. Even after all the strange moves I made on him and him pressing me against his body. 'Twas like a .. reflex. And I wasn't sure you could ever got over one.
And now he's watching me like .. like he tries to understand why I would do smth that is bad to my health. Our Mr. Healthy Lifestyle.
"Why would you do that?" he continued, now moving his eyes from mines to the pipe I had in my hand.
Told ya... "It helps me to calm down," I explained, thinking whether he got the ambiguous meaning in that. "Wanna try?" I stretched my hand out towards him.
"No, thank you,"
Did I really think he would? I guess no.
He seemed to mull over something and I wondered what would it be.
"Why do you need to calm down?" he asked, looking me deep in the eye.
Are you trying to hypnotize me or something? I returned the look. "Any bet?"
"I'd rather keep my thoughts to myself,"
Despite the darkness I saw him raising a brow. And I saw it only because he dared to be that close to me.
Instead of answering I breathed in another whiff and the ripples filled the air. I inhaled deeply and then breathed it all out.
"Jason, sweetheart,"-since when were these words considered as normal?!- "I gotta calm down after the .. dance," I sent him a knowing grin.
He revealed his teeth. Not wolf-like - not that I would mind -, but into a large smile. 'Twas one of these smiles when, at first, he'd have a total poker face on, which would slowly turn into a smile and then he'd burst out laughing. Even if I could resist his usual smile, that was the one that would totally make my knees wobble. I guess I'd have been on the floor as jelly had I not been sitting already.
"What?" I asked, giggling with him. "Don't tell me you don't need it,"
He went serious immediately and I daunted I had gone too far. I didn't want to experiment how thin his limit of patience was in that case, after all.
But it seemed he'd got over it as he was smiling again. "I admit it's true,"
"Which means?" I tried again and handed him the hose - or however they call it.
Still, he shook his head. "I'll keep faithful to my principles in that case, at least for now,"
"At least for now?" I repeated and smiled cunningly. "That can be fixed,"
"So bad, Caroline," he said and gazed at me. "Until you don't know why I don't do it, you can't change my mind. And I won't tell you because then you will,"
"I can be very persuasive, you know," I stated.
He looked at me with challenge. "I believe you,"
It was so odd to sit with him and just talk about falling in love, relationships and simply everything. In addition, to be that close to him even in spite of the sofa size - trust me, it was not planned, at least by me.. -, when our classmates were in every possible sleeping places. The bedrooms upstairs - occupied by the couples who even weren't couples -, the sofas in the offices and where ever, sweating shelves - now that was funny -, the baths?
And then the two of us.
Two people, of whom one loves another deliriously and the other knows only .. I mean, I hadn't told him everything, let's say. And we talk. About that kind of things.
I wondered how I managed to do that. To repress my desires. Be that close to him as there were only two of us - don't forget that people was upstairs and, in addition, too drunk to notice - and not jump on his lap and kiss or again start talking about my feelings.
And then I understood that my feelings for him didn't just mean wanting him or desiring to be with him. My love for him was real. I wasn't egoistically thinking: "I need him, period,". No. I wanted the happiness for him. I wanted that he'd live his life like he wanted to. And if it meant I wasn't the part of it, then .. let's say I loved him enough to sacrifice my feelings for his wealth. I could love him differently, too.
"Nah, you two are not together?" we heard the voice from the stairs and turned our heads there.
Zack was standing there and for some reason, only his upper part was showing.
I opened my mouth but couldn't think of any retort. I looked at Jason, whose eyes found mines for a moment.
"Ah, doesn't matter," Zack said randomly and stepped out.
Ookay, I drawled in my mind. Zack had only worried because he hadn't any pants on. Big deal.
Jason looked at me and I saw him finding a smile which would make me so weak again.
"Should we be?" Jason asked, when his best friend walked towards the sink to grab some water.
He turned to face use, but mean or evil smile was missing. He simply shrugged and answered: "Now, dunno .. maybe you should," With these words he returned upstairs.
"You think he was right?" Jason asked thoughtfully after some seconds, when the door had closed upstairs.
I felt blush appear on my cheeks. I took my head from the hand and put the hand in my hair instead to tousle them and cover the blushing.
"No," Jason said and took my hand.
I looked at him, wide-eyed.
"I just want to examine your eyes while you answer," he said somehow shyly.
So cute! "I .. I .. you know what I want, Jason,"
"I thought that," he muttered and let my hand go. I was still feeling the tickling there as I had grabbed something hot. Um, that was someone hot.
I smiled to myself and laid on my said, head only 10 cm from Jason's legs.
"Please don't tell me you are about to fall asleep," Jason looked at me with such a pleading face when I rolled on my back to look at him to .. to .. I don't even know what I wanted to say.
"You don't want I fall asleep?" My heart was beating rapidly while I waited for his answer.
"I just need someone to talk to," Ouch.
However, I smiled at him. I couldn't be angry with him, even if he was such an arrogant egoist.
"Okay, I'm staying,"
"You would stay awake for me?"
"Why not? I know what it feels like, when you have no one to talk to, Jason,"
And then she smiled at me.
Fuck, Jason, you know how much you don't deserve her. You do know.
'Twas true. Caroline would do anything for me. But the only thing I did .. caused to her, was pain. And the pain was inside me as well as I couldn't give her anything more at that very moment. I wasn't even sure if I could ever. I didn't want for her to be in danger.
Only that .. in the end, wasn't I the danger?