Shadows from the Past #2: changed life, changeless me

Jason, 5 years ago

So this is it. School's out, that chapter of our lives is over  - what is waiting ahead? Mafia's over... Wow.
Just a couple of months ago I couldn't even imagine for it to be possible. At the same time, I couldn't even imagine the danger Caro would drag herself in to "save" me and how she'd do that...

I ignored headmaster's speech and shook my head with anger of the past.
Girl, I love you too, but I won't let you risk your life for me. I can risk for you, but you, my angel, have to be a good girl and stay alive. For me...
I jerked out of my thoughts as, "Caroline Forbz," shot through the hall, and everyone's eyes turned at my angel.

I looked around and felt as pride as well as jealousy at the same time.
Caro was so beautiful on that day. The dress she'd got just a couple of days before brought out her caramel skin and gorgeous curves.
Everyone was looking at her with envy.

True, not everyone can get a beauty like her. You're damn lucky guy, Lockwood. Respect it.


By the end of the evening I was tired of having to glare at guys with anger, so they wouldn't monitor her with their hungry eyes. Yes, I got it: she was so god damn beautiful. So god damn beautiful in that dress. And in other dresses. And without. Especially without.
Thank god, tho, they don't know it.

Notwithstanding, my hands would automatically clenched into fists as I thought about it. About what they were imagining.
I sent another annoyed glance over the hall. I remembered how Brenda had once said that she hated my eyes because they eat out people's souls.

Well, it's pretty accurate in the situa.. Fucking bastard.
Anger was overflowing within me. Not did only other guys gaze at Caro. Now I could see how he would look at my angel. That look made me angry and confused at the same time.

I loved Caro more than anyone else in that world. I even had never loved anyone like that before.
Not that I would have that much of chance...
But even if I had then, it wouldn't have changed anything.
There was only her.

But the look he sent her. I knew I could look at Caro with all my love and adoration I felt for her, but I also knew my look wouldn't be even close to what Jake's did.

They didn't change a word, I saw that. And I also saw how Caro remained her, hands by her sides, after Jake had skirred by her. I didn't see girl's face, however, as she stood with her back at me.

I didn't risk going there immediately. I don't know why. I needed air.
I leaned on the cold balcony railing and breathed in and out deeply for several times. The truth was, I loved, needed and wanted only her. The same applied to her, I knew. And that's how it was. Forever and always.

Sudden puling of tires made me raise my head. A black car sped away. It was dark, but mafia life had thought me to be careful, even in pitch black.
A jolt went through my heart as I made out the numberplate.
That's where he goes now. For me, it's of course over now. Never will I ever go back there.

Farewell, Evans. I hope you're now gone for good. Farewell, mafia, previous love of my life. Now you're gone for good, for sure. Hello, my dear. Hey, Caro. Greetings, love of my life.


Present time

It's hard to forget the past. You can't just deny it or press the button and poof! it's gone. I will never be able to forget everything I'd done. All the lives I'd destroyed. It was impossible. And I know it's gonna hunt me till my last days.

When (if) you can't just forget something, you gotta find something that will do it instead of you. I had Caro and that was pretty much of advantage.
I remember the time I and her were a bit too different that I'd believe we could tie in with. But by time passing, we collided. We learnt each others' weird habits and how to cope with them.

For instance .. do you remember Jason, who hated clubbing? Caroline believed sincerely that I suddenly started liking clubbing and partying. Our each weekend began with getting drunk in some club. Yeah, I remember that time too, when Caro was a good girl that drank very little alcohol. Well .. we all change, don't we?

Only that she was wrong. It was just that I wanted to make her happy. She adored it. And I realized that I can handle it for her. In reality I still hated it.
Yeah, I know lying is not good. But it made her so happy .. I know that had I told her I hate her, she would have stopped immediately.

I didn't even know in the beginning she would be so happy because of it. But as they say: the more you eat, the more you want. The more we submerged in that club world, the more it pulled her toward itself. She .. became wild. She'd always want to try something new. I mean, in every subject. And I didn't .. I mean, I was skeptical about it all. That Caro was a stranger to me.

Now, please, for the love of gods, don't you dare to think I loved her less. Of course not! To love Caro less felt and was impossible. I loved every piece of her. Every molecule. Every atom. Even after she'd gone so wild.

Just that .. she didn't have much resemblance with a girl I thought was so innocent, so .. pure, that I couldn't just come into her life and ruin it all. Not that I would want to ruin it all now.
Only that that whole wildness .. it wasn't exactly that. I have never really been like that. And I didn't understand it. So I didn't know what to do.
I decided to follow the flow and watch where it leads us.

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