SL #39: The gathering

People kept coming, but he wasn't still there.

"Don't glare, Caro," Michelle whispered next to me and surprisingly it was good-hearted even. "Someone may notice,"
And I understood that it had now occured to her also, that Jason WAS love of my whole life and nothing could change that.

Micha didn't believe in such things. Maybe that's why we'd have so many set-tos. She couldn't understand how you can stick around one person even if one doesn't give anything in return. Moreover, how can you love one. And how can you love them if you have never truly been with them.
However, one day everybody understands. Everything takes time. 'Specially finding the right one.

And when I turned around next time, I found the right one leaning on the wall, and I was more likely way too deep in my thoughts to hear door closing after he, Ed and Doug entered.
The party was a different story now because Jason managed to make me smile.
How was he able to? He doesn't even know. He doesn't even try.

Jason looked at me. While leaning on the wall that way, wearing black jeans and black hoodie - like always -, he reminded me of a bad oy more than ever. His caramel-colored hair was on his eyes, but he wasn't to push them away, so I had an urge to do it by myself. He smiled at me cutely, and moved to others with Ed and Doug, flumping down on the sofa between Josh, Drake, Doug and all other guys who played Monopoly, and I couldn't help myself but thinking about big and small fish again.
But when I saw him smiling, even with his eyes, I thought that maybe he really wants to be happy that time, amid everyone.

I focused on the cake again. Making it was much more fun when I knew Jason was her and can taste it later.
"Caro," Alasia suddenly said in a weird voice. "Why'd you grin like you'd just killed enemy of your life?"
I tried to smile more girly. "Better?"

She shook her head. "You didn't answer,"
I moved my chin towards the coffee table which was inbetween two sofas and she turned there. A bright smile appeared on her face.
"Now I understand,"

I looked at her ambigously.
"Does it really feel like that?"
"What?" I didn't understand at first.
"I mean .. how does it work? How is it even possible? That he just is and you're in the seveth heaven at the same time. You're not even together or anything,"

"It's hard to explain," I said, doing away with the cake and putting it in the fridge. I shrugged. "I don't know. It just works that way."
"It's so strange,"
"It is,"

"But then again .. you're happy mostly and I think it can be fun,"
"Mostly - yes. But there are these moments..." My thoughts snapped back to the events that had happened lately. Girls knew we had made up, but I hadn't told any of them how exactly it happened. For me it was something intimate and strangely I had no intention of telling them - I mean, I would always tell them everything. 

"I'm happy you made peace,"
"Yeah, that's true, but still .. during these moments .. you feel yourself so dead. You want to be dead because it's so terrible," My expression was cloudy when I recalled December.
Alasia nodded, understanding. "But .. you're still here, right? And you're happy .. it's not a mask, is it?"

I smiled warmly at the girl. "Yesh, now it's all alright," I let my eyes wonder at Jason for a moment and I found him eyeing me. It brought a smile on my face and I directed it to him. He smiled back at me.
"I'm sure it won't happen again.We were able to solve it,"
Alasia caugh my glance and smiled smugly. "I see. Are you now..?"

My smile faded slightly. "No," my answer was a little sharper than I wanted.
"Sorry, I didn't..."
"No, I should apologize," I turned my eyes at her. "I just .. you know what an idee fixe it is for me,"

Alasia gave me a smile again . "I think you should go there," She pointed with her head towards the sofas where guys where still playing Monopoly.
I raised a brow playfully. "Now why should I,"
She shrugged innocently. "I think he'd like that,"

I shook my head. "The fact we had end hostilities, once again, doesn't mean he would show his .. interest? more,"
"Dunno .. I'd say he's gazing at you with interest,"
"Really?!" I half-yelled and wanted to turn around, but Alasia grabbed my hand.

"Just go there. Don't show you're as interested as he is. You know what are they like," She winked at me, guileful.
I smiled foxily. "Okei,"

I turned around with perseverance and saw Jason turning his head back to the table.
So Alasia is right, huh? I would never guess...
I slumped into the beanie chair, which was diagonally located to sofa Jason had occupied. He sent me a look, a covert glimmer in his eyes I couldn't understand, and focused on the game again.

After 5 minutes I'd spent with guys - yes, I prefer companies consisting of 99% boys and I'm 1% girl -, I understood they have an odd game where they try to make Doug lose.

I looked at the table, enchanted, because it was so fun observing guys doing their business and laughing...
Jake's hand stretched itself 10 centimeters from me and I almost jumped on my seat. I straigthened my spine and closed eyes for a moment. Opening them a second later, I found a stretching Jason just above me.

I looked at him, wide-eyed, as he put something on the table - I mean, c'mon, how would I notice that, too, if on one side of there was Jason's sixpack and on the other Jake's hand?! -, and sat back, his eys now on me again, and by the way he sat next to Jake 'cause Drake had magically disappeared.
What the hell is actually going on?

Suddenly Jason took his hoodie off, remaining only in his T-shirt. There was something like .. "Fuck..." on it, but I couldn't gaze for too long to make out. After all, I managed to gawk at his sixpack for the second time during 5 minutes.

"Mike, do you have any guitar?" Jason suddenly asked the guy.
He nodded and went to get it from upstairs where the bedrooms were.
What is he planning? I glanced at Jason and saw him smiling foxily. Hmm...

"Here you go," Mike passed Jason the guitar, who embraced it and muttered "thanks".
He adjusted it and let his fingers slip over the strings. Getting done with that, he started playing.

Under his fingers a guitar version of "Mad World" formed. I had never heard our class that quiet. All the buzz stopped at the moment Jason's fingers touched the strings and everyone, no matter where they were or what they did, turned their heads and gazed at the young man.

I saw his lips moving, but he didn't sang aloud.
"And I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had."

I sang along with him in my head, because he was the one who shared it once with me. It was sad, yes, but thought-provoking at the same time, and we liked to think about something with Jason.
When he fnished, silence hung in the room at first and then everyone started to apploud wildly.

I was happy. First, I was surrounded by my best class and we had amazing time together. Secondly, I and Jason were back to being friends. And maybe even more than friends... And last but not least, I finally got to listen to Jason live. And that was wonderful if you ask me.


SL #38: Really, heart, we're gonna do that again?

"Let me guess. You're sorry?"
"Yes. I'm sorry,"
"'I'm sorry' is not enough. Next time you come around, I may not be here,"
"You want to get to know me, right? So I figured, before I ruin everything, I'll show you who I really am. But firstly, I have to apologize. I'm sorry I was such a disappointment to you,"

You think it was easy for me to stand there, all furious, when he .. stood there like a wet dog behind someone's door, asking for a warm place to stay over. At that very moment behind my balcony door and into my room.
Of course it wasn't. To begin with, I could never actually be angry at him, and to finish with, his state.

But I had to, okay? I couldn't always be the only one who cares and loves, and lets others to walk over her because of that. I had to show that arrogant boy how it feels.

"Sorry for what exactly? For making me feel like nothing? For making me cry? For making me wonder every day what I did wrong? For .. pretending to care? Sorry for making me think I  actually had a chance? You’re sorry?! I don’t know why you’re apologizing. I should apologize for getting my hopes up, I .. ugh. Besides, you can't take back what you've already said,"

"I was angry and didn't control myself, saying things I didn't mean,"
"Normally the truth slips out while you're mad. That's when it all comes out,"
"Are you mad at me?"

"Am I mad at you? That's your biggest concern after shattering my whole world? Mad for what? For breaking my heart? Or all the lies? Maybe for letting me put all my trust in you only to betray the decency to tell me you think it's crazy that I'm upset? Am I mad? No, more like crushed. I'm trying to let go, but it doesn't mean it's easy. Nor does it mean it doesn't hurt. I'm not mad, I'm hurt. Feel the difference," Drama queen.

And that was the moment Jason Lockwood managed to surprise me by doing something .. something totally different. He hugged me.
I buried my face in his shoulder. My hands found their way to his neck, locking there, and at that very moment I didn't care at all about his waiting time and my promise not to be too pushy. In the end, he was the one who hugged me first!

All that I could think was that I needed him. I needed his arms around me, needed him to hold me and whisper that everything's gonna be alright.
I had already forgotten I was being a total drama queen just a moment ago and really mad at him and...

"I'm just having a busy time ruining my life to get to know someone," he muttered, not letting me go. "You're one of not many I trust. I don't .."
"But you don't let me close enough,"
"Caroline..." he began, but I interrupted cruelly: "What? Am I wrong?"

He sighed. Too deeply and it made me slightly feel guilty. "No, you're right,"
He was silent for a second. "Are you okay?"
"Not really,"

"It's hard. Because I have no one to open up to, to tell someone,"
"You had me,"
"'Had' sounds too depressing. But I think that's for a reason. I do nothing but hurt you all the time. I always push you away,"

"I won't ever leave you, even though you're always leaving me. When things get bad, I'm here. When things are great, I'm here. When you're confused, I'm here. When you're pushing me away, I'm here. And even if when I'm gone, I'll always be here, for you, forever," Really, heart? We're gonna do that again?  "Because if we cease to believe in love, why would we want to live?"
He jerked at word "love".

''Say something. Monologue sucks. My parents already thinks I'm crazy,"
Whoa, you answered. "'Cause I talk to myself,''
He snorted. "Me, too," Then he was serious again. "You want to know why I left you alone? Because I care about your feelings more than mine,"

"What would that mean?" I murmured.
"There are people who .. disrupts,"
"Zack," I hissed quietly.
Jason nodded. "He also, but there are more,"
"But I like you,"

"It'd be better if you didn't,"
"You know what sucks about falling for a wrong guy? You fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different,"
"I know. And now I don't want that to change anymore. No one has ever made me feel like you do. I know you deserve better. And I feel like after everything that had happened you hate me,"

"After everything you'd caused to me I should. But all I want to do is be with you. And that's what I hate the most. That I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit. Not even at all."

"That's what I worry about. I thought if I give you time, you'll get over me, nor I'll hurt you that much,"
"Why don't you let people see good in you?"
"What exactly do you mean?" he was surprised by my sudden change of topic.

"Why don't you let people see good side in you? Caring, good side?"
"Because when people see good, they expect good. I don't wanna have to live up to anyone's expectations. But I didn't want to let you down. I don't want to crush your expectations. I wanted .. oh,"

"Jason?" I pushed him away slightly - you can't even imagine what effort it needed - and looked him in the eye.
"On the one hand, I want to protect you. Then again .. sometimes I feel like I'm the biggest danger to you,"
"Jason .. you're only dangerous to me when you hurt me for no reason,"
"I'm sorry,"

"Please don't apologize," I put my hands on the both sides of his face for him to look at me. "Did you understand what I told you?"
He nodded and I hugged him again. "Then nothing is important anymore,"

There were more things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.


SL #37: Girls .. why do they all want to beat some sense in my head so much?

Please not again. "Go away, Ade!" I yelled in responce.
"God, all the town mustn't hear your yelling," Ade muttered, pulling my earphones off.
"Much better, but more a bit quieter,"

I turned around in my chair, putting occiput in my hands and glowered at my sister.
"What do you want?"
"We need to talk," she began and took seat on my bed. "No, little correction: you need to talk,"
"I don't need to talk to anyone,"

"Ignoring the problem won't solve it," she stated and crossed her hands.
I did that, too, and pursed my lips.
For a couple of seconds we just stared at each other.

When I still didn't say anything, a honey-sweet smile appeared on Ade's face, she stood up and took a step closer to me.
"If you don't start talking during the next minute, I'm gonna delete all your games from the computer,"
I raised a brow. "You won't,"

"You don't believe me? Seriously?"
Truly, she could do that. But I didn't want to break down.
"I started talking,"

"I warned you," she said as the minute had likely passed.
"How do you explain something that you can't even understand yourself?" I gave up as she approached closer.
All together, I knew very well that only Ade could help me.
Not that I would ever ask... "How much did you hear?" I asked as she sat on the bed again.

"Kinda from the beginning,"
I cursed myself quietly under my nose.
"If you allow me to say..." she started, but I cut in: "Like you'd need a permission,"
She gave me a murdruous look.

Just like Caro.
With only difference, Adrianna's look was pretended, I guess. Caro, on the other hand, wanted to truly kill me.
There was a reason, you know...

"What I wanted to say, before I was very rudely interrupted-" the look "-you can't do that. You can't let Zack ruin everything,"
"Your and Caro's..."
"Don't say 'relationship'. Please don't do that to me, too,"

"Okay. Make no mistake here. Whatever you have with Caro..."
"She made drama out of nothing,"
Indeed, I simply yelled at her and she got angry with me. That's really nothing. Who's now the drama queen here?

Ade raised a brow.
"Yeah, I know I'm a cad," I gnarled.
She smiled, but it didn't reflect in her eyes nor voice: "Nice that you realize it by yourself,"
"What can I even do? She won't even speak to me... it's like she .. like she hates me,"

It caused unbelievable pain in my chest. The thought that she could hate me... It was worse than all the pain I've ever felt in my life.

"Of course she won't talk to you! It wasn't her who started all of this. Oh, and, by the way, so you'd know guys: silence is a girl's louder cry. We hope it's a sign. It's like .. when I say "don't worry", you better fucking worry. Because the truth is, when we're upset or furious, we just clam up. Like someone's has turned out feelings. We smile while being in a company .. simply to avoid questions. But at the end of the day, we are who we are," Adrianna sent me a ambigous look. "It's the worst at night, when we're completely alone. That's when we break."

She went silent, like thinking about something. I thought about what she had said and didn't make a single sound.
"It's quite terrible, actually. We hope you're gonna make the first step to improve things, but because of your stubborness it can be prolonged, and we don't even notice how it slowly destroys us. Our main problem is, when we fakk in love, we fall hard. And let me tell you, Jason, you have a wonderful girl wrapped around your finger, and you gotta treat her the right way. Because if you won't treat her right, someone else will,"

I still didn't say anything. I couldn't. All she said .. it was so foreign. I was a guy and I didn't understand how I gotta get everything what I should do and so .. It was easy for us .. 'til there's nothing between me and a girl, I'm not obligated to say anything to her.
Duh, why should I?

But when Ade mentioned "someone else", my hands clenched automatically into fists. Just because I couldn't bear with a though about Caro in someone other's arms ...

Adrianna looked at me, accusing: "Oh, you don't say anything. Yeah, you really have no idea what she's feeling. We all can fake our emotions, can't we?"
"Just to think what I'm doing to her .. if it's really like you say .. I don't deserve her. After that behavior I don't even deserve to miss her,"
"Not t´hat. Well, yes, sometimes you act like a total idiot, but you still love her,"

"I don't love her,"
"You can't escape your feelings forever, big bro. And you can't play with her feelings. Tomorrow isn't always guaranteed. Not that it applies to Caro .. she loves you either way..."
"She doesn't love me,"

"Maybe she laughs-" Ah?! "-maybe she smiles. And maybe you'll be surprised at everything she keeps inside. Jason, dear, it's called faking emotions,"
"It still can't be true"
"Well, I think you being a mafioso can't be true,"

"It's not the same," I said through the teeth.
"Some obvious things don't change .. ever,"
"If you keep pushing people away, you'll be alone eventually,"

Ouch. "I don't care," What a lie.
"Yes you do,"
Am I really that baldfaced to Ade? "But I have to pretend I don't,"

Ade shook her head wildly. "You can't keep doing that forever, Jason. You have to count with others' feelings, too. Because you can't connect with people if you don't even try to understand them,"
"I can't do anything when Zack's on my back!" I breathed in responce.
I was as angry as a bull, who's being teased with that goddamn red cloth.
"Leave Zack, fuck Zack! Think about yourself .. what do you want?"

It wasn't a question, but my mind was eager to answer...
 I shook my head to get rid of way too pleasurable figment of imagination.
"I don't understand what you want from me. First, you say I gotta think about myself, the next moment you're telling me I gotta consider with others..."
"Caro makes you happy and you have to take into consideration her feelings,"

"Caro, she's .. she's caring. And kind. Selfless. And she makes me want to be different .. better. It's not what I wanted after Jade..."
"Then it's more than obvious you two gotta be together. She makes you happe. That you live, exist .. where are you going?"
"I have to calm down. And I have to think,"


Speed. I loved it. And Caro loved also...
I couldn't keep her out of my mind anymore. Not even there. Not even on the speedway where there was no cars at all, so I only speeded up more.
She had occupied my mind stubbornly and wasn't to come out.

It was like cussing: I won't leave you alone till you apologize.
Caro'd definitely say something like that.
And I knew I couldn't resist. Not with my principles nor perfect self-control. While with her it just .. disappeared. Like it never existed.

I hoped to get rid of my thoughts, of her, but I didn't succeed. I managed to be so deep in my thoughts, I found myself back in Orbost. On that certain road that led to the specific house, where  a special girl lived, with whom I had some unfinished business.



For god's sake. I love street racing, too, but it doesn't mean you gotta ride around at 11 PM. Gosh.

I wanted to close the balcony door, though, but that'd mean the room would be musty, and I couldn't enjoy the full moon and fresh air...
So I stayed where I was. Lying on my stomach on the bed, Angel warming my side - not that I needed it with 25 degrees.. -, eyes on the computer screen.

I missed Jason. He wasn't available once again and .. actually, it was weird. To feel his presence through the screen. But I was the weirdo there..
The whole week we didn't talk, it didn't mean I wouldn't think of him .. he was still in my head and didn't plan on leaving.

It was always like that, but our .. falling-out made it more intensive, just because we didn't socialize at all. It was like .. if you're an alcoholic and you don't drink for a long time. Or a chain-smoker and don't smoke for a long time. Or a drug addict and don't get a dose. Or someone who loves sweets, but don't get them for a long time. Whatever.

But the truth was, you could see it and feel with a heart that I was into Jason. A lot. I wasn't a bit in love, he wasn't just my crush and I simply didn't love him. I was addicted to him. He was my alcohol, smoke, drug .. you choose how to call it.
But if you take him away, I'm a dead meat.

Besides, girls had made it clear to me that Jason WAS love of my whole life and that I should save whatever we had.
Only that why would I be again the one to do the first step?

Sudden movement on the balcony made me jerk.
It's 11 o'clock, the whole house is sleeping already and someone's on my balcony. Sounds nice.
Angel hissed when I stood up, but followed me, though.
I think it's amazing to go to the balcony where someone is, being only in an oversized T-shirt and undies. Mm .. every girl's wish.

I tiptoed to the door silently and peeked outside. But no one was there.
"Caroline," he murmured, but it still caused my cry - brief, though, as his hand on my mouth . "Shh .. it's .. me," he breathed in my ear.
I shut my mouth and he took his hand away.
"Jason," I whispered in response and turned around.

(photos: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/Alustame%20tyliga%20ja%20tyli%20ise/?action=view&current=bf579af6.pbw&ps=1&t=1343739212)


SL #42 : Midagi uut

"Kas ma peaksin nüüd tänama?" küsis Jake ja naeratas mulle oma säravat naeratust.
Kadestasin teda tema kohevate ja tihedate juuste pärast palju rohkem kui tavaliselt, sest olin oma juuksed lipsuks üles pannud ja mu nägu oli tõenäoliselt tulipunane!
Proovisin vaatamata piinlikule olukorrale naeratada. "Ma .. um, vabandust?" Miks see üldse veenvalt ei kõla?

Jake naeratas mulle julgustavalt. "Ikka juhtub," Ta viipas mulle - jah, just nimelt mulle - käega ning läks tagasi.
Keegi tahab mulle üldse meelde tuletada, miks ta siin käis?

"OMG, see oli lihtsalt nii hea," lausus Annetté läbi naerupahvakute.
"Arvad või," kallutasin ma peale sarkastilist kommentaari pead.
"Nägid sa ta nägu? Jake küll nautis seda!"
"Hehe, jah. Vist küll," proovisin olukorda naljana võtta.

"Me vist peaks riideid vahetama nüüd," lausus Kelley.
Noogutasime üksteisele ja sulgesime kajutite uksed.

"Oh, mu jumal," pahises mu hammaste vahelt ja ma toetasin vastu seina.
"Ole nüüd, C. See polnud üldse nii hull,"
Vaatasin talle pärani avatud silmadega otsa. "See polnud üldse nii hull?!" sisistasin ma. "Uhh. Miks te aru ei saa?" Kõndisin närviliselt ringi, niivõrd kui kajut seda lubas.

"Miks sa sellest üldse nii suure draama teed?" küsis Chantal kulmu kergitades.. "No tegid veidi .. sületantsu talle. Suva ju,"
"Ei, Chantal, asi ei ole sületantsus," Libistasin end mööda vannitoaust põrandale, ignoreerides tõsiasja, et mu kleit oli lühike. Ma nkn ei meeldi Edile nii. Vnoh, okei, tal on Chantal. "Asi on temas,"

"Jason ei näinud seda pealt ning vaevalt et Jake talle seda edasi räägib. C'mon,"
"Ära räägi Jasonist!" poolkarjusin ma. "Asi on Jake'is,"
"Jake'is?" küsis Chan arusaamatult, koondades kulmud ninajuurele.
Noogutasin pead, mis oli nüüd käte vahel.

Cassie saatis Chantalile pilgu ning tüdruk ahmis õhku. "See oligi siis see," sosistas ta erutunult. "See, millest sa rääkisid. Kellest sa rääkisid,"
Noogutasin taas tuimalt pead.
"Selle pärast sa siis nii erutunud oledki," lausus ta õhinal. Oot, mina olen erutunud? Vaata ennast, eks. "Sest ta on su crush,"

Noogutasin jälle.
"Ja?" küsis Chantal.
Kehitasin õlgu. "Ma ei tea,"

"Ta on minevik,"
Nad vaikisid hetke.
"Ei, tegelt ka. Ta peab olema,"
"Tantsuvõistlus on alles ees veel,

"Kõike annab teha professionaalselt,"
Nad ei öelnud jälle midagi.
"Cassie, oled sa valmis nüüd? Me võiks minna juba,"


Ma jumaldasin tantsimist. See oli midagi, mida ma tol hetkel nii väga vajasin - vabadus. Kui sa teed füüsilist tööd, mis nõuab rohkem energiat, siis sa ei mõtle. Sa lihtsalt .. lased vabaks. Ja just seda mul vaja oligi.
Koosseis see aasta oli suurem, kuna seekord oli kaasas peaaegu et kogu lend. Laulsime tüdrukutega lauludele kaasa, liigutades end kõigest jõust.
Kui tahate minu arvamust teada, siis see on parim trenn.

Nägin Cyle'i seltskonda, kes mingisuguste kahtlaste purkidega ringi käis. Lasin hetkeks huultenurkadel langeda, kui nägin, et ka Jake'il oli purk käes.
Paari minuti pärast naersin aga südamest, kui vaatasin, kuidas tema ja Cyle elu eest DJ-sid teesklesid. Platsi ääres oli mingi DJ-pult, mida vist enam ei kasutatud, ning nad teesklesid seal plaatide keerutamist, tehes seda eriti koomiliselt.
See on siiski Cyle'i juures positiivne, kuidas nad kõiki naerma oskavad panna.

Siis langes mu suu lahti, kui nägin, kui professionaalne tundus Jake, tulles tantsuplatsile ja breakima hakates.
Whoa. Micha, sa tegid vea - see on tüüp, kes oleks pidanud meeskonnas olema. Mitte see, kes tantsida ei taha.
Cassie näitas mulle ülestõstetud pöidlaid ja ma noogutasin - ma teadsin, et vaatamata oma teeseldud badass-olekule, oli Jake sobiv valik.


Ta oli seal üleval, üksi. Mu silmad piidlesid teda ainiti. Oli pime, kuid imelikul kombel nägin ta turris juuste alt tema säravaid pruune silmi.
Ma sonin. See pole füüsiliselt võimalik. Well, fuck logic.

Ma tõepoolest tahtsin temaga rääkima minna. Ma mõtlesin, et ta oli piisavalt täis, et kui midagi peakski valesti minema, siis teoorias ei mäletanuks ta järgmisel hommikul midagi.
Okei, tegelt ka, Caroline, midagi halba ei saa juhtuda.

Ja ma tõepoolest läksingi üles. Sülitasin kõigele ja kõigile, jõudes järeldusele, et kui ma midagi temaga tahan, pean ma seda ka ise võtma minema.

Ilmselgelt kujutasin ma end taas trepist üles kõndides mingisse reklaami või filmi: kuidas ma astun aegluubis, mu puusad liiguvad ideaalselt küljelt küljele, juuksed langevad seljale, huuled kaarduvad meelitavaks naeratuseks.
OMG, Caroline, saa üle üks kord.

Jake jälgis endiselt pinevalt tantsuplatsi, kuna mu samme oli suhteliselt võimatu läbi muusika kuulda. Ent tõenäoliselt nägi ta silmanurgast lõpuks mu kuju trepil ja viipas mulle purgiga.
See nägi välja, nagu olnuks seal sees õlu, kuid mäletades liigagi hästi tema varast käitumist, kartsin, et see polnud siiski tõsi.

"Hei," ütlesin enesekindlalt, kuigi ei tundnud seda enesekindlust üldse ning mu hääl värises väga. Sellest polnud küll vist muusika tõttu võimalik aru saada.
"Hei," ütles noormees ja toetas seljaga vastu diivanit.
"Mis sa siin üksi teed?" küsisin ma asjalikult. Stiilis "ei, ma täiesti niisama puhkan sind, sa ei huvita mind tegelikult üldse".

"Oh, tead küll. Võhmale võtab," Ta osutas tantsuplatsile.
Noogutasin mõistvalt pead. "Jah. Eriti, kui tantsida väga energiliselt,"
Ta vaatas mulle otsa ja ma tundsin taaskord midagi enda sees. See oli nagu .. nagu siis, kui Jason mulle silma vaatas. Puuriv, nagu ta näeks su hinge.
Stopp. Caro, kullake, sa oled siin Jake'i, normaalse kutiga, mitte .. mõnega.

"Sa tantsid hästi," ütles ta äkki ja tahtmatult naeratasin ma laialt.
"Aitäh. See on improvisatsioon,"
"Klubitants ongi improvisatsioon. Tahaks ma näha kursuseid, mis seda õpetaks,"
Turtsatasin. "Tõepoolest. Ma vaatasin, et sa tantsid breaki päris hästi. Oled õppinud seda?"

Ta võttis lonksu ning ta silmad pimenesid, kui ta hetkeks mõttesse vajus. "8.-9. klass käisin õppimas jah. Gümnaasiumis pidin kooli tõttu pooleli jätma,"
"Tundub küll, et õpitust oli kasu. Tahtsin ise ka midagi streetist õppima minna, aga aega pole eriti,"
Ta noogutas mõtlikult. "Ma arvan, et sul oleks tegelikult välja tulnud. Sa tundud paindlik olevat-" Caroline, ära mitte julgegi antud hetkel vasakule mõelda. "-ja energiline. Sinus on .. sädet ja särtsu."

Lõin pilgu kohmetudes maha.
"Oh, ole nüüd. Ma räägin tõsiselt,"
Tundsin Jake'i sõrmi enda lõua all.

Vaatasin talle otsa ning ta naeratas jälle.
Fantastiline. Kas ta üldse kunagi on kurb?
"See, mis enne juhtus," alustas ta, kuid nähes mu kohmetust, lausus kiiresti: "Ei, ära võta seda nii .. ma ei ole mingi selline tüüp, kes mõtlebki ainult .. tead küll,"
Vaatasin piinlikkust tundes ringi.

"See oli .. huvitav," sõnas ta. "Ja mulle meeldis, et sa ei käitunud nagu mõni oleks, et kohe hakkaks otsas rippuma. Ära sa mõtlegi, et ma mõtlen sinust nii. Tähendab, uhh..."
Wow. Jake ja ei tea, mida öelda? Näpistage mind.
"Mulle meeldib, kuidas sa kõike nii loomulikult võtad. Sa võtsid asja naljaga, mitte ei hakanud kohe karjuma või midagi. See vist tundub väga segane, eks?"

Ma polnud küll täis, kuid ei saanud enam absoluutselt millestki aru, mis toimus. Kehitasin õlgu ja naeratasin.
Jake noogutas endale ja sirutas siis äkki mu poole oma purgi. "Tahad proovida?"
Oh, snap.



Ugh. Tantsimine. Ma ei saa vist selle mõttest kunagi aru.
Kuid vaadates ühte kindlat tüdrukut kenas helesinises kleidis end sõbrannadega keset tantsuplatsi keerutades jättis mu süda nii mõnegi löögi vahele.
Okei, parafraseerime: ma ei saa aru selle mõttest, kuid ma tingimata naudin, kui keegi .. teeb seda hästi. Ja seksikalt. Ja võrgutavalt. Mhm.

Ma olin vist taaskord ainuke inimene, kes ei tantsinud.
Mõtlesin, ega see ei tee sellest mingit deja-vu'd ning kas ei või jälle juhtuda see, mis juhtus eelmine aasta... Kuid ei, see aasta oli meil kaasas kogu lend ja asi oli erinev.

Naeratasin, vaadates Caroline'i muusika rütmis õõtsumas. Ta meenutas modernset haldjat - tema kleit õõtsus temaga kaasa, kui ta ise justkui lendles. Ainult juuksed oleksid pidanud valla olema.
Et mitte pikaks ajaks ainult teda jõllitama jääda, proovisin ringi vaadata - see "proovisin" oli seal sellepärast, et kuidas sa saad silmi ära milleltki, antud juhul kelleltki ilusalt? Märkasin mõningaid kutte - osa paraalleelidest, teised kuskilt mujalt -, kes Caroline'i näljaselt jõllitasid.

Kergitasin kulmu.
Ja mina arvasin, et minu pilk on intensiivne. Vajavad paar õppetundi?
Kuid seekord ma ei kavatsenud korrata eelmist aastat. Reis oli siiski puhkamiseks, eks.
Ei midagi kriminaalset, J.

Vaatasin veel veidi ringi ning avastasin, et üks neist kuttidest, kes Caroline'i jõllitas, vaatas mulle otsa. Kissitasin ta poole silmi, sest olin kindel, et ta ei näe seda pimeduse tõttu. Ma ei olnud üldse kindelgi, et ta just mind vaatab.
Too aga tõmbus oma istmel selja sirgeks ning mulle isegi tundus, kuidas ta nägu kaameks muutus. Ta tõusis püsti ning, koperdades tooli taha, kiirkõndis minema.

Oota, mida? Mis see nüüd oli?
Heitsin pilgu selja taha, kuid seal polnud kedagi.
Mina tegin seda? Lihtsalt talle otsa vaatamisega? Jumal küll.

Raputasin pead, teadmatagi õigupoolest, kuidas sellele reageerida.
Kui mu silmadel nüüd selline efekt on, siis ma ei tea..
Suunasin pilgu tantsuplatsile, otsides ahnelt Caroline'i. Ainult et ta oli sealt läinud.

(A/N: fotod)


SL #36: Everything's gonna be okay?

"What are you doing here?" I glared at the four girls on my doorstep.
"We .. are here to help you,"
"Help?" I raised a brow.
They looked at each others.
"I'm gonna be okay. Correction: I am okay,"
"Listen, we just wanted to throw a girls' night," Chantal said softly and raised her sleeping bag.
I sighed. "Okay, come in,"
Of course I wanted to be alone. But one does not simply send her besties away at night just because of her will. 

"Caro, you need to admit it to at least yourself, you're not okay," Chantal said, after they'd put their things away.

"How did you know?" I asked, resigning and closing my eyes.
"It's just that we see how you're looking at Jason and ..."

"At this point I don't even care anymore ..  about Jason and .. other things that are related with him,"

"That's what you tell yourself. But that's not true, you and I both know it,"

"We're too different .. he said it by himself. People like me don't belong with people like him anyway. Besides .. I don't miss him,"
"How many times can you fake a smile while all your friends are talking about their boyfriends/crushes and say you're fine without him? You act like nothing's wrong when you're just fighting the tears from streaming down your face. Everyone has a breaking point, so admit that you can't do this alone .. that you miss him .. and just cry. Trust me, it is okay. We're here to comfort you,"

"Maybe I should learn not to get too .. attached?"
"I don't think you can do anything 'bout that. Even if going back to an old love is stupid. It's like reading a book over and over again when you already know how it ends,"
"You know I constantly reread two of my favorite book sagas?"
Alasia sent me a glare.

"I know," I let my head fall. "But it's like .. once you love a person, you'll alwats love them regardless. No matter what happened between you two in the past, you still love them. You loved them before, you love them now, and you'll always love them. Maybe you no longer see them as .. your significant other or something; but you still love them and care for them the same way. It's either you loved them and always will, or you never did in the first place. First, in my case. Though .. I still have a hope for that 'forever together' thing. I can't imagine my life without him. I love him blindly and recklessly. Even if it consumes me,"

"It's sounds so slushy," Michelle stated.
"Oh, shut up. you!" Hisses from three sides attacked her.
"Find someone who isn't afraid to admit that they miss you. Someone who knows that you're not perfect, but treats you as if you are. Someone whose biggest fear is losing you. One who gives their heart completely. Someone who says 'I love you' and means it,"

 "Don't let him play with your feelings. You deserve someone who's consistent with what he says, someone who wouldn't want you to have second thoughts about him. Someone who really cares about you and wouldn't hurt you in any way,"

 "But everyone hurts. On or not on purpose,"
"Yeah, but that's too much. He knows what you are feeling for him,"
"That's why I can't let him go,"
"You just don't want to," Micha muttered and others nodded their hears in approve.
"No! Listen, I'll try to explain. It's like .. I hear his name and I feel pride in my heart, that I like him and so. And lately, I've also been feeling the passion. Seriously. It's getting hard to repress my desires, you know. And I use his name as little as possible at school. It's like I'm afraid someone's gonna hear that certain shade in my voice and figure it all out. Or he'll hear and start wondering what I'm talking about,"

"I know the first feeling. Passion .. that's interesting. In consideration of you're not together yet and he hasn't said it straight out, that he likes you. I mean .. how's that? What'd you want to do with him? And using his name as little as possible .. Though it would be a good way to get over the paranoia..."

"Passion like .. ugh, I can't exactly explain that. Just that I want him. Although I don't want him to sacrifice himself for me if it's against his will,"
"Sure .. can you make it?"
"It's not like I have a choice, you know. I don't want to loose him. I can't, not able to. It's just .. even if it sounds strange - I really do love him.. More with every day. "

"It's not strange at all. You've been after him like forever and feelings like this deepen by socializing and time. It's like the more you hide your feelings from someone, the more you fall in love with them .. and he doesn't exactly know you love him. And when you got to know that he actually has a different reason not to ask you out, not because he doesn't like you, then..."

"No, just .. lots of people say love comes with years, but .. I know it's true. The previous autumn the affection grew into liking him and somewhere in the December, it was love. Alasia'd said I've given him so many chances and he hasn't used them .. but I have no idea," I smiled sadly at the girl.
"I can't lead you from the distance,"

"I'm not there. I don't know the situation. There's not a thing like universal solution. It's like... you have one quadratic function, let's say. That's you. Then there's another quadratic equitation  that's him. You have two intersections. I don't know what the solution is. Usually another line would be needed, the one that would penetrate only one intersection. But it's all more difficult as you're not quadratic formulas, but something more sophisticated, there are many-many intersections. And it may not be you two, but hundreds of other circumstances,"

"Oh .. god. It's so confused. So I may not seduce him?"
"I hadn't said that. You can seduce him as much as you want to," Chantal laughed silently. "However, don't do it too openly .. like on purpose or so,"
"Seduce not on purpose? 'Oh, I didn't mean to do that, sorry,'"
Now all of us were laughing.

"Truly, it's like .. remember he once told you he has no a single reason to pretend his behavior to you? That while being with you he doesn't try to be someone he's not,"
"So there must be something. Because you know he's trying to be bigger fish than he actually is,"

* I recalled what Chantal had said that time: "He tries to conflate with others. She has a need to belong somewhere, too. Sadly he doesn't understand that there actually are normal people for whom he wouldn't need to play all cool guy. But he's so into these stupid stereotypes. He tries to show he's cooler than he actually is,"
"Like they all," I told her then.

"Bigger fish than he actually is. Like they all .. Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. For fuck's sake, he doesn't understand that it's just so .. stupid. I don't actually believe you've figured him out completely. Yeah, quite a lot, and he shows himself to you more than others, but .. yes. He won't succeed. He's good at bluffing, but bigger fish understand. Me and Ed, for example. But it's also stupid because there's not actually any point in trying this with bigger fish than you, moreover, you are bigger fish while being with the smaller ones anyway. However, if everyone does that, it's important to survive. And why would he even do that? So others wouldn't think he's a weirdo." *

"You sure know that just because something's not happening right now doesn't mean it'll never happen," Chantal brought me back to the realm from my thought.
"But, Chan, when then? So much time has passed by .. And Analeigh.."

"You know what Ed said? It's normal. 'I wouldn't send to the Moon  /straightly/, they should go by bypass. And I say: By elliptical trajectory, it's the most effective way.'"
"Chantal, can you use easier words, please?" Cassie said, sighing.
"Well, I think you two should just make up," Micha suddenly said, to my - and actually others' as well - surprise. "Just apologize and..."

"I'm not sorry. Why, for fuck's sake, would I apologize for something I didn't even fucking do?"
"Apologizing doesn't always mean you're sorry. It means you care about your .. relationship, let's call it that way now, more than your ego,"
"He has a big ego. And at the moment he should understand that,"
"I don't get it how guys can do so many mean things and not even care," Alasia shook her head.
"You know, there's something you should know," Cassie began, abashed.
We turned our curious eyes at her.

"Jason's mom was at our place one day .. just visiting. One moment they started talking about their children, aka me and Jason. So she suddenly started sighing and saying that I'm such a good girl, while Jason would always roam around somewhere and stay out late, being all mysterious nor telling anything..."

"Sorry, but I didn't hear anything new. I know that he does all of that,"
"Yeah, but she said he's staying out more lately, walking around, all sullen and stuff,"
I raised a brow. "Analeigh is way too pushy?"

"You're jealous, Caro," 
"Jealousy is my profession,"
"No, but seriously .. can it be that he actually feels something for you and is feeling low because of your falling?"
I shrugged. "I have no idea. We don't talk at all anymore,"

"Maybe you gotta let go of him .. like to freshen up or something? Because only then you'll see if it's worth holding on or not,"
"Just don't think .. if it feels right, it probably is,"
"It used to be so much easier before the argument," I sighed.
"That's what you get when you let your heart win,"

"My heart has always been dumb,"
"You still have to set it to right,"
"Yeah, you look too good together,"
I smirked. "We're not really together,"

"Something's telling me you'll be one day,"
They smiled at me.
"I can't fix if I don't know what's wrong,"
"You just gotta figure out who he is,"

"Yeah, prolly,"
"I see you're feeling better,"
That was true. Girls truly made me feel much better. I was feeling more confident as about Jason as about other things. I felt that I'm gonna get along. Manage everything.
"Maybe 'cause I really feel better,"

They smiled, self-satisfied. I guess they deserved that.
"How about we watch now something good?" Micha offered.
I nodded. "But not anything romantic, right?"
Micha nodded, too. "Enough romance, indeed,"


And another "matematical solution" :P


SL #35: Mommy, she is in love with the criminal


I breathed in and out deeply.
I was used to my usual job, but every law has exceptions. I could have been caporegime who would usually give orders, but when the boss says you're to go and accomplish the task, you don't actually have any choice.

Being the roundsman was okay. You drive around calmly, observing the surroundings - everything's alright with that usually - and simply deliver the "goods", getting the money in return.
But when you are told to drive and kill this and that guy, you're not exactly calm...

The good thing was, I worked alone. If I had been a solderier, someone would have always be with me .. or I would have been with someone.
But I was a caporegime and that made things lots of easier, as if it was possible in mafia.

And why I was happy for being alone .. I wouldn't bear someone seeing my condition. Nervous, distant .. weird.
Caro was still there. Not on my mind anymore: she pushed on further.

I didn''t even have to think about her: it felt like she was following every step of mine or in the car with me...
You're insane, Jason. She's not here.

I could hear Caroline's happy laugh. That laugh .. Jake's ears head when he'd said something detestably witty to the girl.
She seemed so happy .. only when her eyes landed on me for a second, just for a second, I could see there .. guilt maybe?

But why would she feel guilty? Especially in front of me? I'm no one to her...
Only that acknowledging that fact to myself made my inside hurt very bad. Because she obviously was someone to me .. even though I didn't show it that often.


I focused on inhaling and exhaling. The rhytm of my heartbeat calmed me down and the peace was something I needed then.

Uh, so you'd like to know can you be calm before killing someone? Oh, I don't know .. maybe it's just because mafia where you can learn the most frenzied things. The control of emotions and feelings is actually a very good and useful thing.

"Okay, I'm ready," I muttered quietly and opened the car door.
Let me add another point to the pros of working alone.

The night was dark, exactly as I needed to move around silently and unnoticed.
It was one of these preternatural moments when I didn't feel anything. Probably it was because I didn't allow myself to think.

Not exactly at all, but .. I didn't let myself think of Caro. I blocked her with all my power, though she was intrusive. I knew if I let myself loose, even just for a second, she'll be there just then, in my head, and I won't be able to kill anyone that night...

All the lights were off and, strangely, even two of the closest street lights.
Zack? a sudden thought went through my head and it didn't feel that weird anymore.

I eyed the windows on the second floor, trying to calculate on the shortest way. From the backyard I saw that one window was open. So it was the bedroom. Nights in Australia are hot, you know.

Climbing up turned out to be easier than I thought, because the house had a porch in the back, so it was even too easy to climb. Even though I had to stay as quiet as possible.
Trust me, I knew how to be quiet when needed.

I boosted myself on the window sill - silently as well - and realized I wasn't wrong about my assumption: it really was a bedroom. And someone was sleeping in a bed.
I climbed inside, trailing every step with circumspection.

It's him, my brain whispered. Although I already knew it.
The last breath before the definitive step and...

My brain sent lots of uncensored phrases which wasn't spoken out, though, as I'd already too much on my shoulders.
"You little son of a bitch," the man hissed, having just knocked me off feet.
A baseball bat in his hands wasn't exactly inviting.

I groped for my  revolver, which had fallen somewhere under the bed or where ever.
Like I don't have enough problems to worry about.

"You missed," I hissed bitterly as the bat made a deep hole in the floor hardly 10 cm from my head.
"You really wanna see my brains all over your floor?" I asked, rolling away from the next impact.

"Stop this twirling here?" he yelled.
I tried to stand up, but he stepped on my foot.
Oh, shit.

I growled, ignoring the pain. Just today I'd decided I wouldn't need the knife.
Not that I was against slit throats .. in the movies, not in real life.
I pulled leg brusquely towards me, causing his - whatever his name was - fall. The bat rolled in the safe distance and I had a microsecond to find my revolver.
Roomasin kiiresti voodini ning siis selle alla, et pesapallikurikas minu selja asemel voodit tabaks.

"You better come out, asshole,"
The following punches rather insisted it wasn't that good idea.
I pulled the trigger and the bullet hit his foot.
5 more.

He gnarled and lapsed on his knees to get me out under the bed.
Perfect moment.
The bullet hit him right in the forehead and he collapsed on the floor. The bat nestled next to him, now totally harmless beside its owner.

I rolled our from the other side of the bed and cleaned my clothes from the dust.
I looked at the dead man, who was lying now totally harmless, for the last time. The blood was streaming down his face on the floor, creating a small pool.

I listened, but didn't hear anything: no screaming, hassling nor police sirens. Well, what can I say: you're taught to operate quietly on purpose, and the suppressor isn't a decoration, too.

Mission complete, I thought to myself, starting the car and heading somewhere I could now restore my energy and persuade myself that I hadn't just committed a crime I could get imprisoned for.

Infinite lies.


I'm being silly now.
It was ironic to think I was gonna to meet Caro here, in the forest depth.
Of course I knew she liked to go for walks in the forest or by the sea, but late in the evening while it's raining? It sounds more like me.

Through the rain plip-plop I still managed to hear someone's footsteps. Someone was dangerously close to me.
I groped my gun on the side and, letting my hand there, I quietly lurked - thanks to the rain - to the thickest tree to observe the interrupter.

Oh.. Universe, sure I know how it all works, but not that straight, okay!?
Caroline danced in the rained, like it was the best weather ever.
Maybe I underrated her and she's not as girly as I thought? Hmm..

The girl looked at me and I saw black stripes on her cheeks. I frowned.
Is/was she crying or is it because of the rain? Hard to say.
But what if she cried? Am I the cause?
Caroline still hadn't seen me, she turned around instead and, lingering for a moment, started to walk away.

Suddenly seeing her made my heart beat rapidly. My brain, too: it was now filled with million thoughts.
I missed her. I would give everything then to run after her and put my arms around her.
I wanted her back, as much as "together" we were.
I loved her, it was still sure, though I didn't want to admit it.

Only that who had she fallen for?
She was in love with the criminal.



SL #34: Pain makes people change

Okay, that IS annoying. Why did I even have to come with Micha? Ugh...

I mean, the thing was, Micha had to bring the book back to the library. And I decided to join her as you really don't have anything better to do during the lunch break.
And - thanks to the destiny .. or Universe .. or whoever - Jason was there, too, with Ian and Josh.

I stood next to Micha as she returned her book, but after that we .. dunno, somehow managed to stay there.
And where ever I went, Jason followed: I went to the bookshelf, he was behind me in a second, stood behind Josh to see what he was reading, and Jason had to do that, too!

That sounded paranoid .. but he really did that.
Leave me alone, J, I'm still angry at you.
Hell yeah, I was angry at him. That's why I continued my make-him-jealous-technique.
Okay, fine, I can never be completely sure he actually is jealous .. as he doesn't even like me .. I guess. No matter his actions shows contrary. Ugh-oh.

Well, I still tried to talk to Jake, but .. let's say, it really felt like a game, what he did the day before. Or I over thought again.
But not this nor the next day - okay, I'll say it right here: we didn't talk to him until our final vacation that year, which means .. some weeks - our paths didn't cross.

Of course I saw him looking at me .. we just stood in the different sides of the hallway and gazed at each other, nothing more.
Suddenly I got a though: what if Jake is really nothing more but a player from the creme de la creme, who does nothing else but parties almost every day? And not only parties...
Ew. That's nasty.

But I had to pretend everything was alright. That nothing was wrong, whatever .. The inside had to suffer.

Anyway, by the end of the day I was happy I could escape. Usually I would go for a walk by the sea, like two previous days, but Jason was to go home by his bus - where ever he circumambulated these two days - and I didn't want to join him. I decided to join the forest this time instead.


I don't have anyone anymore. I'm all alone in this.

Being alone had rarely good effect on me, as you could have noticed already. But the problem was, I really wanted to be alone all the time .. even if it was devastating, it was the only chance not to tell anyone anything. At least for that I could be thankful to loneliness.

Nevertheless, it was more dangerous. You remember my break down in the beginning of the summer? Well .. I didn't break down that time .. but there was too much thinking space. I could come to the craziest conclusions or keep recalling some certain memories...

For instance, I was completely sure I couldn't get through itBy itself, I had potential to be strong and I was strong .. but no one can be too strong for too much time. So I knew that I couldn't bear with a week without Jason - theoretically.
First, there were too many memories. Then, how can you forget someone with whom your life is so connected?

Why are you so secretive? - What do you mean? - Like .. you have a principle to say as less as possible or something - I can't answer that.

You think it didn't bother me he didn't tell me so many things from his life? Of course it did. He drove me insane with that - in a bad way in that case -, but no one will ever tell you their whole story, right? Besides, he didn't even have a reason to, as we weren't even dating...

Thanks. - You're welcome. - I'll come by.

Is it enough to explain why I loved him? He could be a total asshole, but most of the time he was nice, friendly, made me laugh, helped me...

I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you. I need you to see that I'm not okay. Only that .. I try and try but nothing changes. You still don't want me.
Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these things with love, but in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.

One-sided love is a hard thing to cope with, though. But it still keeps you alive. Love feeds you.

It's like .. I really love you. But I really don't want to love you, because I know how you can be. I don't want to walk down that road again. Because then we are making the same mistakes. But then again, something keeps attracting me to you. I'm torn.


I spent two days in the forest after school. And as I've already said, it really makes you go insane. So if one day I was thinking why did I love him, the following I spent wondering wht would he hurt me so much.

What if this time, I don't say "hi"? What if this time, I don't text you back? What if this time, I leave you wondering?
Yeah, what if this time, you're the one left feeling completely fucked over. 

If starting counting, obviously I was the one who started talking to him first. But finally he understood the thing and did it by himself.

One day you'll love me, the way I loved you. One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you. One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you.
Ainult et seda päeva ei juhtu kunagi. 

Yeah, I though I can compensate it with Jake, but that would be impossible. I still needed him. Still, always and forever.

I care too much for a person who doesn't care at all for me. "Old" him would have cared .. but something'd happened. Because of some reason he was distant again.
Now he didn't care about me (again). Whereas I was broken, he was okay.

Actually I wasn't sure whether that was true. I wanted to hope it wasn't, but .. he didn't make any effort in talking with me. All he did was socializing with Analeigh. And trust me, he had to know that hurt me like hell.
Because he used to speak with me that way.

Now he would say something like: "She cares, that's her problem," and that would be true because I was the one to believe him. Who believed he could like me...

Tears are words the lips can't say.

My tears mixed with the rain, which suddenly began raining in torrents. Nontheless, I wasn't about to go home. I liked rain.
I let it soak my clothes wet.

I hope no one sees me now. My mascara is smudged for sure.
The thought managed even to make me smile.
After a second, the feelings were gone. 

I hate the feeling when you really don't have any emotion. You feel so empty. You're not happy, you're not sad. When your mind is spinning, but you can't feel anything.

Yeah, I probably came to a conclusion I had to go home or I the loneliness would completely get me insane. At least Angel was there.

I wanna fucking get drunk. I don't wanna feel anything anymore. I don't fucking care anymore, I thought after having changed my clothes.

But as I was about to rob the bar, a doorbell rang.
Fuck my life.

(A/N: photos)


SL #33: It's all just a game


That's rather depressing. I should not think 'bout her that much. Why am I even thinking about her, again? Oh.
And there she came.
I should have known.

Actually I guessed she'll change her routine of coming extra early to "spend more time with me in the morning".
I probably underrated her.

She came proudly, earphones on, just like she didn't notice me. 'Til the last second. Then she raised her eyes abruptly, looking, just for a moment, at me. She clattered to her coat-hook and bustled there, like I didn't exist at all.
Not a single glance, nothing.

I walked past her but she had to turn aroung just then. I knew it wasn't on purpose at all, but still .. that electric shock I felt, when her hand touched my shoulder...

Jason Lockwood, leave it alone. Now.
She sent me a glance, but didn't say anything. After that she left, ignoring me again.
Shivers pierced my heart. Her indifference hurt .. even if I knew I was the reason.

Fuck that.
I wasn't alone for long, though - wait, I was still in the cloakroom? WTF?

"Hey," her flirtive tone'd driven me insane already. From the first sound, from the first moment.
Is there a bucket somewhere near? I gotta throw up.
"Hey," I pressed though the teeth, but tried to sound at least a bit friendly.
If you want to play that game, Caroline, let's play.


"I heard 'The King's Speech' was good.." Analeigh sent me what she thought was a seductive glance.
I wanted to raise my brows but her eyes scanned every centimeter of my face, so she would have noticed that immediately.
Oh god, how pushy can one chick be?

"I've already seen 'Black Swan' .. what do you think?"
Cute, I gotta answer that, I guess. "Hmm," I pretended to think about it.
Analeigh made puppy dog eyes .. no, actually she bugged them out, so she looked like a toad. 
How mean I am.

"'Black Swan' was quite good .. very good, even,"
I actually didn't plan on telling Analeigh how much I got affected by that movie.
"'The King's Speech' .. let me think. When do you want to go?" I asked and looked surreptitiously at Caro over Analeigh's shoulder.
She wasn't looking at me at the moment but I was sure she'd noticed .. us already.
"I was thinking .. tomorrow evening maybe?"

I scrolled through my plans for next day .. Zack hadn't told me anything, so I was free.
I smiled at that I-want-to-have-all-of-the-attention-at-me. "Friday evening sounds great,"
"Oh, nice,"

Friday evening. Sounds like a date. Argh.
I saw she was about to say something, but I was tired of her flirtatious buss. I laughed in her face - she'd said something funny, hadn't she? Let's hope it was a joke - and made my way to the bench.
Oh no, not again, I rolled eyes in my mind, because bumped into next person who disgusts me.

"Well, man, see you have a next chick in the offing," Not letting me finish - and why, by all rights, would he need my opinion? -, Zack said: "Not bad. That one is not that messy at least. Sam said had to be quite good,"
Um, where's my bucket?

I shrugged. "Cool,"
He punched my shouldered. "True man you are,"
True man? How, I would like to know..


"On the packs is written where they have to be delivered and at what time, like always,"
Zack sent me a look and I nodded.
I knew that the only thing I could do normally now was work. That exactly now, when I was angry, I could concentrate and dedicate to work 100%.

You're driving on the speedway, delivering stuff where ever it's needed, you don't think .. okay, actually you do. Yes, you do.
I could have hoped Caro would leave my head while I'm at job .. I was always alone before, but she never left me anymore. I could do whatever, where ever, when ever .. she was still there .. here, in the certain place of my mind, like she had moved in and got a room there.

I couldn't even answer, if it annoyed me or I liked that. It was like .. on the one hand, you want to be alone. That no one would interrupt you, get on your nerves .. but at the same time you feel like you always have support. Like .. I and Caro didn't have anything serious - not then -, but I already knew she'd always have my back.

She made it clear all the time, with words, actions and .. looks. With all her being. She wanted me to to be supported by her.
And the truth was, I wanted it, too. Beside her, I was most likely me only near Ade. I hadn't to pretend or be someone else. I could be myself and that was really important for me.

Only that this stupid argument .. that stupid argument I was so guilty for .. it had ruined everything. It had crushed all the .. support and everything else. Nothing was like it was before and the first time in my life I regretted that.

(photos: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/?action=view&current=fb0d2040.pbw&ps=1&t=1343767155)


SL #32: Convincing enough .. but only from the outside

Smile, Caroline. It has to be convincing.

I smiled at the image in the mirror. Maybe it would be better to say, 'tried'. I had to look as persuasive as possible. I had to look like nothing had happened. Like everything was like usually. Like everything was okay.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I succeeded. If judging by how quickly Jason had tracked down my feelings, not very successfully...
Jason. That Jason again. Can you the fuck stop thinking about him?! Okay, you're truthful enough.


I should get an award soon. I'm especially good at hiding my feelings - no one has asked if something's wrong for now, and that's a good sign. I don't believe they're discreet enough not to ask. No one is discreet enough not to ask anything. So I'm pretty cogent then. Jason is just .. different.

I actually knew I can smile, though I'm crying inside. I had to do that pretty much, that's how I'd learned. So I guess I gilded the lily in the morning, practicing before the mirror. Although, Chantal asked in the morning how everything had gone. Cassie and Alasia too. All I said was, "good". They probably understood it had to mean something like, yeah, everything's like usual: nothing too much, nothing underrated .. like usually. Only that nothing was "like usually" anymore.

That was more than the truth.
I had messed everything up and he had acted like a bastard. I, because I started that hated by him topic, and he, 'cause he didn't give a fuck again.
If being honest, I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about him. At all. But the problem in my case was, in the war between Heart and Brain (aka Clear Thinking), the heart always won, even if clear thinking could win some battles.

That time, though, something unexpected happened, so the both of them joined their forces to win a corporate villain - Jason's stubborness.
Heart chose the weapon - by it's personal interest of course -, brain chose the strategy. Their collaboration was impressive.
Three of us came to an understanding we had to make Jason jealous.

After everything we had had with Jason - I'd really like to put in in quotation marks, so he won't misunderstand again -, Jake was somewhere on the background, though he was still wandering somewhere on my mind.

I wouldn't say I was in love with him or something, it was rather some kind of liking - affection maybe? I mean, he was hot, he had brains and sense of humor .. okay, I'm not being fair to Jason, as he has these qualities as well.
It was actually quite funny how at the same time they had so much in common and yet were so different, and I felt something for both of them.

Jake was the boy from the creme de la creme, communicative, a smile was almost always playing on his lips and he wore bright-colored clothes. One of the cons in his case, as he was from the popular gang, he was, in principle, 24/7 party-rocker and you never knew how real his emotions/feelings were.

Jason was .. calm, mysterious, spent lots of time in his computer and his favorite color was black. His con was, you never knew what he meant by saying something, and if you asked, he might not answer.

Nevertheless, I was drawn to the both of them. A lot to Jason, plenty to Jake.
Though, it didn't feel like they were interested in me much.
"Much", because .. well, I don't know. I was a person who notices things. So when Jake suddenly decided to sit next to me in Math - Michelle wasn't at school -, then it actually made me think.

"Hey," he said and smiled at me.
His long hair spiked into different directions and I had an urge to touch it. It was so cool!
"Hey," I smiled in response, after grappling with my thoughts.

"Won't you be against me sitting next to you today?"
Usually, Jake would sit next to Brittany behind me and Micha. Only that Brittany was absent that day, like Micha. Cassie, Chantal and Alasia showed me their thumb-ups, as my eyes wondered on them for a moment.

Of course.
They liked Jake, too.
As my boyfriend, I mean.

Then I remembered Jake was still waiting for my answer, so I said: "Of course not, I hate sitting alone,"
Somewhere from the distance I heard Cyle's ja Zack's laugh and thought whether it was some kind of joke.

From the corner of my eye I saw Jake furrowing his brows and raised my head - when had I become chapfallen? 
"Mm .. don't worry 'bout them," he muttered.
I looked at him as not understanding what he was talking about.

"I know what you're thinking now," he mumbled. "It's not let-make-fun-of-the-nerd-game. I .. oh,"
He coughed and said: "Sorry, I didn't mean offending you. You are not a nerd. Just a quiet girl, I'd say."

I didn't even get a chance to say anything.
Whoa, that guy manages to say more words in a second than me.
"Anyway, yes,"
What else has he said?

I gazed at him, still saying nothing.
Jake smiled all the time and it mirrored from his eyes as well.

"You talk a lot," I stated and smiled.
After a short moment of rethinking, I realized you could understand this sentence in really different ways, at least in my opinion, blushed and started: "I meant..."

"No, you are right," Jake's warm smile made my heart beat faster. "I don't give you a change to say anything. Sorry."
He is so nice. Is it even possible, to like two people at the same time? Ah, what the heck am I talking about?

Just because it was lunch break, I could talk with Jake extra long and it was good. He made me laugh endlessly and when the lesson began, I had to hold my stomach as it was aching from never-ending quivering and laughing.
He really was nice, but ..

Jason sat parallel with my table and as I sat closer to the window, I leaned my back on the wall, and besides having amazing view to Jake, I could also see Jason.
Even if he didn't know I was looking at him, my eyes did that at times. Totally inadvertently.

All that time he watched me almost respite. As soon as another gale of laughter escaped from my mouth, his eyes were on me, examining my face and murdering Jake's back.
All the time I didn't feel like I care because I felt happy .. even from the inside. I felt like my smile was genuine...

But at the very beginning of the lesson, Jake had turned his eyes on the board already, I sent a glance at him, then I understood it was not.
That my brain managed to circumvent my heart and persuaded in that lie.

But maybe it wasn't my brain that did that? Maybe it was Jason's eyes where I saw that deep sorrow once again, which made my heart ache again and again?
I didn't know. But I knew too well that if he feels that sad, I can't be completely happy as well. Even if he is responsible for that.


In the next lesson, the girls shot Jake-themed questions at me, though I managed to cop out of it somehow. I just smiled and ensured the girls it was just sit by, nothing special. Even if it wasn't.

Really, the thing was, although I'd never noticed these "feelings" Jake made me feel before, talking with him and his "first steps" made me do that.
I began thinking why would he suddenly get my attention and so.

Alasia would say: "Jake's a hot guy, he has a fantastic body, intelligence, he has a good sense of humor .. he's like perfect,"
Yeah, that's what she'd say.

Of course Jake was all of that and I even could condone his little cons .. but I just couldn't let go of Jason.
He had hurt me, right, but he also hurt me while ignoring me the previous year. Nevertheless, I was able to love him.

Anyway, at the end of the day I came to a conclusion I wasn't able to hate Jason. I realized I was already missing him - after just one day! And that I could pardon his flaws .. and secrecy and .. everything. I just loved him and wanted him the way he was.

Only that Jake's place in my heart wouldn't leave me alone.
Oh, and by the way, once you're ready to forgive someone, they start playing the game.

(A/N: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/Alustame%20tyliga%20ja%20tyli%20ise/?action=view&current=bfaa30df.pbw)


SL #31: Fire & Water

I exited the school, setting my beanie and the bag in their places. I turned around one more time to wave at Michelle and Cassie, who went in different direction. Then I turned around, eyes on the ground, but looked up again, I saw him some meters afar
My steps got messed and to prevent falling I stopped. Inadvertently, a bright smile appeared at my face, like always while he was around. That was reflex in my case.
Is he waiting for me?

My legs wanted to ignore the order - they wanted to storm towards him, not caring about anything, but I remained on my place, not sure what it mean.
I walked to him calmly. Haha, calmly, yeah, right. "So we'll do it today?"
"Yeap, gotta get over with it,"

I smiled at him until heard Zack's quite mean voice somewhere near.
"She got what she wanted, once again,"
I almost heard how he gritted his teeth.

I bit my lip painfully, being ready to take off and scratch that lame dude's eyes, but it was like Jason'd foreseen my intention and grabbed me by .. no, not by shoulder, he actually grabbed me by waist.
Can you imagine that? No? Same here.

He pulled me closer, so my back was intimately against his chest and stomach.
"Let me go, please," I said through my teeth.
"No," his breath tickled my neck, so it sent waves of heat through my body - like always -, "if I let you go now and you scratched Zack's eyes out, we couldn't do our work today,"

Only then I understood what was actually happening. Zack was still grinning some meters afar, though looking at us with surprise.
Yeah, Jason's hands around my waist. Wow, indeed!

I guess it occurred to Jason as well then what was happening. His hands disappeared from my waist.
You're apologizing for that? Shit, I want that again. "It's okay," I smiled at him, trying to lighten the situation. "I think criminal processes are not necessary at the moment,"

"Don't forget what I told you, Jason!" Zack yelled, storming to the bus and preventing Jason's answer.


I assume no one understands what the hell is going on. I haven't understood it completely too, why would Jason grab me by my waist .. but generally, it's because we had to do pair work. Again.
It seems Stromwell likes consonance of names Jason and Caroline because he put us in one pair again.

Pair work was about making a presentation about our favorite town. Citizens, location, whatever.
It wasn't a problem for me - languages wasn't hard for me at all. It was more problematic to be around Jason for that many hours.


I sat on the floor, wearing a sweater with large necking that exposed my shoulders, and ripped jeans.
I glanced at Jason once again, who was, clattering the keyboard, too. I smiled, noticing a smile on his face, and turned back to my work.


"I'd just completed this slide,"
His voice resounded way too close and as I turned my head, I almost touched his face - he was only a couple of centimeters afar.
Jason's eyes bored into mines and my into his and...

He licked his lips and sat up - he was lying on his stomach - and started talking about what more we should add to our slideshow.
We'd almost kissed, I thought for another time, trying to calm myself down. My heart kept bouncing like crazy because of his closeness...

"Don't you want to shut up?" I asked and squinted my eyes at him.
He'd been talking for about 10 minutes.
Did I memorize anything? I hadn't even listened.

"Or what?" he asked, a smirk playing on his lips.
"Or .. or .. I'll kiss you,"
I knew it was actually playing with fire.

His voice was warning, but something in his eyes .. I can't explain .. but it was something that .. wanted it wasn't just a warning?
Silly Caroline. He would never think that way. Not now at least. "I know, just shut up then,"
"Fine. I'm all offended now,"

He pouted like he was really upset.
Hadn't been able to keep myself from giggling, I told him: "You can't even imagine how cute you are when you pout,"
"Cute? Really, Caro, really?"


We had been working for some time when I finally got enough courage to ask what I wanted to since waking up.

"How much Zack knows?"
"Only that much you like me,"

I furrowed my brows. "If he doesn't know the whole story, why would he repeat this?"
"Ask him," he snapped suddenly.
When I managed to upset him?
I straightened up and parried: "I tried. He wouldn't say anything exact. And I'm afraid he may .. spread it. Like a proof something's happening,"

"Don't listen to him. He's just jealous,"
"But .. Jason? How can I not care? He does nothing but instigates everyone to read my blog. Tries to show everyone how in love I .. am," I looked at him through the forelock. It was the first time I actually said that in his face.

"I sorta don't care,"
He shrugged.
"I would never think that of you,"

"Until he doesn't tell lies,"
"I mean he thinks something is happening, but he doesn't know anything, though wouldn't stop repeating there's something,"
"I don't believe that," His voice was cold as ice. His whole being was .. angry. "I've heard him speakingl,"

"Yes?" I felt the anger boiling in me, too - he just sat there like nothing'd happened! Well, sure, he wasn't the one to suffer yesterday .. But it got terribly on my nerves how he could just be. "What do you think he speaks? 'Cause as I understood from yesterday..."
"Is there any difference?"

I wanted to attack him. I loved him and stuff, yes, but I would never endure that .. that dumbness.
"Yes!" I almost yelled. "There is actually. I do care what people are talking 'bout me,"

He shrugged again. "He doesn't say anything that is not true while I'm near,"
I looked at him - he was all Mr. Calmness again, the anger was gone.
How, how does he do that? Or maybe he has PMS, so his mood is changing all the time? Oh god, I just hadn't said that. "I'll tell you what happened yesterday,"

And I did. How everything began with Josh's question and how he chose such a bad timing that Zack was there as well .. but I had to answer in case I wanted to make it all look strange.
And the more I watched him, the quieter my voice became .. because his face .. he was furious again.

PMS, indeed. "And I wouldn't mind if he told that me straight in the face, but not in front of others,"
I squeaked as he began talking: "What do you mean by 'kind of'?! Relationship is between two people, you know,"

I knew very well that heart-breaking isn't just a phrase. When Jason was ignoring me last year, I totally felt it physically, too. But I was still surprised by that abrupt, incisive pain in my heart when he said that.

Did he really .. say it? So for him it all was just .. what? "Well, like..." Aah!
I tried to keep my voice normal, but it shook horribly: "Yes, sorry, I didn't mean relationship. I meant .. that something's happening. That PM-s aren't for nothing,"
"Something's happening?" His voice cut my heart worse than a knife would.

Is he serious? "I didn't mean that.." I muttered.
I don't know how I managed not to cry. No one, absolutely no one understands how much his I-don't-give-a-fuck behavior hurt me.

Sorry, I don't like to cuss, but no polite language suites here.
After how he had behaved .. on that day and what told me .. I would never guess he can hurt me that much.

"What did you then?" he demanded in hardened voice.
I cowered and became even smaller compared to him. "That .. it's messed up. No, wait, I know,"

Sudden knowledge gave me the power, so I straightened my spine and said: "When I said something's happening, I meant something can happen in the future, not that something's now,"

My truth didn't change anything in him.
"Yes, but you don't say something can happen when there's nothing. When you say that, people may think there's something between us,"
How dared you, Jason? All the looks, touch .. not officially, but... "But there's not," I whispered and my voice sounded .. hopelessly.

"Exactly," I seemed like he liked the idea. "So. You. Say. That. There. Is. Nothing. Between. Us," He emphasized every word, especially highlighting "nothing".

But now I got tired. I couldn't handle that anymore. Not anymore. "I said something's happening in my life, but I said it straight out there's nothing between us," I said in a breath. "So .. Don't. Worry." I felt my lips trembling, but I didn't allow myself to be weak.

Not anymore, I repeated in my head.
"OK," he said then.
My eyes went wide open.

OK? That's all you can say?! Firstly, who are you and what you did to my Jason. Secondly, if you really are Jason, then thank you very much, as your anger spree is over, now it's my turn"You know, sometimes I think you've regretted endless times you even started talking to me,"

He jerked, but I ignored it, not caring why he did that - even if it hurt him, if it's possible to hurt him.
"In that exact moment when you .. lurked for me, let's say, I understood you like me. So I knew what I'm doing,"

Really? You can be .. normal? "I know, you mentioned that ..so you don't .. regret? Really?"
"The only thing I regret is saying "Never say never." It gave you too much hope,"
"Maybe you should have thought better," I said poisonously.
"Maybe you shouldn't be such a busybody? You can't just come here and tell me how to live my life! You don't even know what I've been through,"

"Of course I don't! How's that possible if you haven't opened up to me, for fucks sake?!"
"Who are you to me that I should have?"
A girl who loves you? "I have no idea! I only know I've always been here for you and the only thing you give in return is pain. It feels like you don't want anyone to care about you,"

"Don't talk about things you don't know,"
"Don't do that, Jason. Don't to that. I feel like I'm losing you. Tell me it's not true,"
"It's not," Really? "You never had me,"
I gave him a murderous glare. "Enough,"

I stuffed the laptop and its wire into the bag and passed by him, dully. I didn't look at him. Mostly 'cause I was afraid of what I would see there. After everything I'd said.

I was in the hallway, putting my sneakers on, when I heard his steps coming closer.
"Caroline .. I didn't mean it that way,"
"I don't care anymore what way you did,"
"How about you calm down and listen?"

"I'm sorry, it's hard for me to show kindness to people that hate me. I'm not that evolved. I'm not like you,"
"I'm not..."
"The sad thing is, I actually thought you were different. But I guess that's what you get when you trust people too easily. I'm gonna send the other part of the work on your e-mail,"

With these words I was out of the hous.



I raised my eyes and found Ade glaring at me, her hands crossed on her chest.
She tilted her head. "You really are an idiot, Jason, you know that?"
I could have started yelling at her for eavesdropping. But I had fucked up enough to offend the last person - one of the two - who actually did give a shit about me.

I turned my eyes at her and saw her facial expression changing - from total anger to surprise -, 'cause .. 'cause I cried, I really did cry.
"I know, Ade .. I .. know," 

(A/N: pildid