SL #30: You ruined it all, Zack

Parties are cool. Mostly. They help you to loose the situation.
The only problem about them is, you never know what can happen. You never know who will be in a cloud or drunk and what interesting thing are they to tell you. If you're not the one to be drunk, though.

Happily for me, I didn't like to have over one can of cider. I just didn't understand the point of being drunk. However, it didn't mean I wouldn't have some adventures. To begin with, Josh wanted to drag me to the sauna.

Usually things would have happened to me when girls weren't around. There was only Michelle on the party and she left at about 12 PM.

Oh right, Alasia was too .. yes, I found myself a new best friend.
Or new ears. Okay, I'm not actually that mean.
But Alasia .. okay, usually I would associate the fact nothing happens to me while girls are near just because Jason knew they knew, so he didn't do anything. Only that Jason wasn't on that party - what a pity -, so I don't know .. okay, let's just assume things that contain Jason doesn't happen to me while girls are near.


My eyes were closed - this way I could concentrate on breathing in cold air. Alasia was smoking waterpipe and Josh was resting after another visit to sauna. Everything was fine until I felt someone fingering my hair.

My eyes went wide open and I looked at Josh who was doing it.
He didn't seem to bother himself with how much I got scared by his sudden "interruption". It was only because of this suddenness, I got scared, because I knew no drunk nor usual Josh would never do anything to me.

"Is your hair really that straight?" he asked.
I would have started laughing if it wasn't bemocking him. Josh isn't the guy who'd deserve that, after all.
"So you don't straighten them?"

I was just about to shake my head when it occurred to me that Josh was still holding my mane.
"Nope, totally natural,"
"You haven't even dyed them?"
"Only the black highlights," Hahaha, seriously, since what guys would ask you about your hair?

It was just such a funny moment. I still haven't figured out why he did that. Maybe it was because of the alcohol he had drunk, maybe he really was interested...

"You sure you don't want to go to the sauna?"
He asked that for the fifth time.
Only after a second I understood he should have asked the sixth as well.

"Hey, Caro," Josh said suddenly. "What's with MSN personal messages?"
Whaat?! "What do you mean?" Keep your voice normal, keep your voice normal.
"Well, they seem to be to someone..." Oh god. "Some relationship, huh..?"
"Ehm .. kind of," I guess.

Sadly, Josh'd asked that at the very wrong time. Alasia had left, Zack joined, so he used the opportunity: "With Jason, isn't it?"
Holy crap. "No!" I almost shouted and my voice sounded way too desperate. "Why? And why are you doing that after all? There's nothing between us!" Nice, Caro, it sounds like sooo convincing.
"That doesn't mean there is nothing,"

Josh kept talking, thank god - I could say that for the first time in my life! - with Zack, not me. I could only hear words "Jason" - that sounded surprised -, "with him", "that dude" and "sexy", but they didn't make any sense to me - I couldn't connect them. I wasn't trying, though, I realized later I should have.

Because one thing is when Micha says: "Let's be honest here, everybody likes Jason", and totally different is hearing others opinion about that mysterious guy.

It only lasted for a couple of minutes, but it was enough for my emotions to get all mixed up: anger, sadness, fury, emptiness...
How could he? Why would he still do that? What have I done to him?

I don't know if Zack did that to just irritate me - 'cause let's be honest here, he was like that - or unconsciously, but he stayed there. He remained sitting in that chair in diagonal from me, and just before me sat Josh, who didn't seem to move either.
I simply kept smiling, just like nothing had happened. But the truth was, never again would I have shown Zack what he had done to me.

Soon, Alasia found us. Guys stood up in unison and left the balcony - conspiracy? Doubt that.
"You look sad," Alasia stated as the guys left us and the door closed after them.
I tried to smile but my lips could only twist into a grimace. "Indeed I'm not very happy at the moment," I muttered really silently.
I doubted Alasia even heard that.

But the good thing about Alasia was, she knew how to hear. And I don't mean listening at that point - she was actually interested in what you tell her. You could discuss things with you, she would give you good advice and you could be sure people wouldn't know your secrets through her mouth.

"What happened? There was really tense silence between you, Josh and Zack..." she said carefully, surreptitiously.
There was silence between us? I had to be deep in my bubble not to notice that, indeed.
I nodded 'cause I couldn't answer anything because of the clot in my throat.
I knew it wouldn't take long for me to break down. And even if I knew very well I couldn't cry for any price, I didn't want to be strong at that moment at all.

Maybe it wasn't that bad .. oh, why would I lie to myself? For me, it was terrible.
 *And, as the future showed, got even worse *
But why I didn't want to be strong .. I guess it was because I'd been strong for too long. 'Cause the truth is, not a single person can be strong for too long if one does not have support. I was alone for the long time - just to save everyone from my drama, as they had suffered enough from that...

I tried to swallow the clot - I succeeded, though I couldn't help but cry.
I could feel warm wet tears streaming down my cheeks. I cried silently as I had to tell Alasia what happened.
I didn't succeed at that, either: since being a child I couldn't keep my voice from shaking, it shakes like leaves while wind blows.

"He really .. said that?" Alasia's voice shook, too, but from anger. When I looked at her, there was rage in her eyes too. "What a bastard,"
Her mood changed quickly as she looked me in the eye - now she was back to being a caring and helpful girl I was used to know.

"You need a light alternation," she started. "Josh has some vodka cocktails down there..."
She stopped as I shook my head: "You know I don't like vodka. Besides, alcohol doesn't really solve problems..."
"Mm.." she said thoughtfully.

The balcony door went wide open - Josh was back.
"Caroline, I think you still should go to sauna,"
Alasia's head turned to me in a sec. "It's just what you need," she began.
I stood up quickly. "I know,"
And, surprise-surprise, her positive attitude got into me and I found myself smiling back at her.


Eh, okay, don't start to panic, Caro, don't panic, oh, please.
Actually, when I said 'yes' to that .. alternation and went to sauna, I wouldn't even think that Josh had drunk too many vodka cocktails to visit sauna .. naked for instance? Because that's what he was.
Not that it'd annoy me much .. like, okay, he's drunk, he doesn't have a crush on me, so okay .. let's get over it.

I was in my underwear, leaving my clothes on Josh's bed and got the towel to cover myself.
Sauna was .. good.
Mm .. okay, okay, I'll share with you, too.

At first Josh showed me the showers and I didn't see inside the sauna.
But when we entered .. ooh. 
There was .. Jake. In the towel, too, but unlike me it was around his waist, so I had an amazing look at his sixpack, thank you very much.

He had beer in his hand and I followed slowly the can towards his lips and then looked him in the eye, which was looking in mines, too.
I looked away, blushing - though it may have been because I was in a hot sauna? -, so he wouldn't understood I did nothing but checked him out delicately.

As he was sitting just in the middle of the platform, we had to sit on the both sides of him.
No, of course I was totally against sitting next to him, mhm. I must be a terrible liar, am I not?

Sadly Jake finished that idyl after 5 minutes and stood up - dunno, if he'd finished his beer or .. dunno.
There was silence between us, not awkward at all - you could be silence with Josh and it was totally okay, without anyone being awkward.

We could hear laugh from the balcony - the sauna was connected with a window with the balcony and there were Sophia, Reece, Zack outside and I could hear Jake's voice too.
"Caroline and Josh started the foreplay swiftly," Sophia commented.
Some moments of silence and we both yell: "What the fuck, Sophia?!"
We couldn't help but laugh at that as well.

I actually was afraid Zack may do something .. comment that I can't have a foreplay with Josh - zomg, really? -, as I already like someone else - btw, he could say the name out loud. Strangely he didn't do that.
Oh, Zack, when did you turn into such a nice person?

"So what's with the PM-s?" Josh tried again, hushing his voice.
I ignored Sophia's whisper: "Look, they are silent now," and answered simply: "I can't talk about this. Not want to, if being honest,"
Happily Josh asked no more.

I couldn't spend more than 15 minutes in the sauna, so I left Josh alone there.
Door closed, light shower - I just sprinkled some water on my body, not to run around all sweaty -, turn to the right, another, open Josh's room door ...

"Oh," I couldn't help but whisper, finding Jake, who had set himself very comfortably on Josh's bed, just on my clothes.
How nice.

For some moments we just eyed each other. A smirk played on his lips and I had no idea what that could mean, though, I knew very well that if he'd say what I thought about - I'm not going to tell you 'cause it's really .. dirty-minded -, I wouldn't say no.

It's weird that even loving Jason hadn't changed that. If being honest, things that happened next day even made me regret that a bit, that I hadn't told him anything.
I think Jake realized then what was the problem and got off the be. He didn't seem to go away, though: he occupied Josh's computer instead, having his back at me.

I sat on the bed and let the silence fall between us for some time. It was enough for my thoughts to run on full-speed again.
Later I tried to assure myself that I felt nothing but the passion towards Jake, because let's state the fact you can't actually date a playboy like him - okay, sorry, I disproved it later; it was just because of his behavior back these days  -, but that was false.
I can't tell for sure, but .. okay, I skip too much history. Let's appreciate the moment.

I glanced at him for a second, his back if being exact - omg, look at these muscles, may I touch them Jake? Oh god -, because he wasn't facing me.
I sighed silently to myself and got dressed to go outside.
I left the towel on the bed and went outside quietly.

There was Alasia again, who smoked waterpipe.
"You sure you don't wanna try?" she asked and looked at me.
I shrugged. "I think you can call it alternation,"

She held out her hand with the pipe and I inhaled a great drag.
It tasted like cherry and felt good. Surprisingly good. I exhaled, letting cherry wander inside my body.

"Well?" Alasia asked, grinning.
I smiled widely at her. "I think there's no hope for me anymore to be a good girl. It's just so fucking amazing,"
I'm gonna be honest here - I felt like I'm already addicted. It really was fucking good.


When there were only about 10 of us - at about 2 o'clock, I guess?-, Jake got hungry and he decided to fry some eggs for himself.
Which meant all of the girls that had left - me, Alasia, Sophia ja Analeigh -, stopped all of our actions just to look at it.

My excuse was, c'mon, how many times you would actually see a macho like that - that's what he was - cooking for himself?
We practically lived on Jake's back, having gathered by his side and looked at the pan with interest.

Analeigh wanted to help him - she was the girl who flirted with every guy - told ya already - and wanted to "help" everyone; finally it felt she just did it to brag, as it happened all the time, or it really was her nature -, but Sophia shushed to her: "Oh, chill out. I know you wanna help, but let him struggle alone,"

It was still the time I hated Analeigh a bit - because of Jason ofcourse -, but indeed there was the thing I liked about parties. In calm atmosphere it's easier to socialize with people.
So I didn't push her away when she hastened towards me to hug me after Josh and Alasia. Besides, she was the one who came with me when I went upstairs to say "goodbye" to the guys just because I'm polite. We were asked to fuck off, though, but at least we tried!!

Outside there was a slight breeze and it entangled my hair. I turned for the last time to wave to the people on the balcony, then sat on my motorcycle to hurtle home.
If only I had been smart enough to enjoy that amazing night .. to be happy for the last time over lots of time.

(A/N: fotod. P.S. Dogs are great! Cats are better!)


SL #41: Uus algus? Kui, siis Caroline'i moodi

Ta oli külm. See, et Micha meid paari pani, oli suurepärane ja ma nii lootsin, et see parandab kõike. Ma mõtlen: hei, me alles olime tülis, kuid leppisime ära ja see olnuks suurepärane samm meie endise sõpruse poole.
Kuid ma eksisin.

Ta käitus minuga nagu .. uhh, nagu kooliaasta alguseski. Suhtles Analeigh'ga, ignoreeris tihtipeale mu kirjutisi msnis... Tantsu võttis ta justkui oleks see vaid töö, mis vajab ärategemist. Ja ei midagi muud.
Ainuke inimene, kellele see meeldis, oli Zack. Ilmselgelt. Ma nägin, kuidas ta saadab mulle rahulolevaid muigeid.
Ma vihkasin teda.

Kui me istusime bussi, sõitmaks Melbourne'i, tõttas Michelle kohe kohti võtma ja ta võttis need ekstra minu jaoks Jasoni lähedale. Ja mida tegi Jason? Tõusis ja istus bussi tagaosas Zacki kõrvale. Saatuse tahtel istus Analeigh kõrvalistmel, kui vahekäik välja arvata.

Idikas. Jason, ma mõtlen.
Ning siis, justkui tuletamaks meelde oma olemasolust, kuulsin kuskilt bussi tagaosast Analeigh naeru, kuid ma ei hakanud pead pöörama, sest teadsin niigi, mida seal näha võisin. Jason ja Ian istusid seal - Jason otsustas lihtsalt ümber mingi hetk. Ning Analeigh istus toolil nii, et ta jalad olid vahekäigus. Mitte et see midagi kriminaalset oleks - muidugi mitte, urisesin ma.
Muidugi see oli kõigest mu tobe armukadedus. Mulle meeldis ka nii istuda, aga .. aga ma ei istuks kunagi nii, kui Jason oleks teisel pool mind. Mis ei tähendanud, et Analeigh'd see huvitaks või et ta seda ei teeks.

Kuid tõsi oli, ma olin väsinud. Ma teadsin seda tunnet - see oli mul juba paar korda ka varem olnud. See, kui ma tundsin, et peaks lõpetama, peatuma.
See oli nagu .. jah, ma olin teda kaua oodanud - poolteist aastat -, kuid midagi tõsist ei toimunud, eks. Jason ei teinud endiselt ühtki katset mingigi suhte algatamiseks ning mul polnud võimalustki seda teha. Ma mõtlen .. ta teadis, mis ma temast arvan, mis ma tema vastu tunnen, kuid .. tundus, nagu ei hooliks ta sellest üldse.
See kõik tundus nii vana loona.


Seekord olin ühes kajutis Chantali, Edi ja Cassiega. Valmistusime vaikselt õhtuks, kuna üsna varsti pidi olema karaoke. Siis oli plaanis ära vaadata Eurovisioon ja minna klubisse.

"Mulle meeldib, et sa seekord mõtlesid asja korralikult läbi ja panid nii lühikese kleidi selga," kommenteeris Cassie, kui ma end peegli ees meikisin.
Nägin peeglist, kuidas Ed mu poole pilke saadab, ise Chantaliga üleval narivoodis redutades.

"Hei! See pole tema pärast, eks," pareeris ma, pannes korraks ripsmetuši peegliesisele, ning silusin kleiti.
Kleit oli türkiissinine, hõbedase vöökesega rinna all. Mulle meeldis see väga, kuigi ta oli üpriski lühike.. Üldiselt mulle meeldisid lühikesed asjad - ilmselgetel põhjustel, eks -, kuid seekord ei olnud see üldsegi Jasoni pärast.

"Jah, õigus. Me nii usume sind," lausus Chantal ning nad vahetasid kolmekesi mitmetähendusliku pilgu.
Võtsin huulepulga. "Aga mõelge korraks .. kui oleks keegi teine," laususin mõtlikult ja jälgisin nende reaktsiooni.
Nad vahetasid üksteisega arusaamatu pilgu.

"Mida sa sellega öelda tahad, Caro?" küsis Chan. "See ei oleks ju võimalik,"
Naeratasin ja kergitasin kulmu. "Arvad, et ma jään eluks ajaks tema külge?"
"Praegu tundub küll nii,"

Raputasin sarkastiliselt naeratades pead. "Unustage ära. Oled valmis, Cassie?"
Ilmselgelt Ed ja Chantal ei kavatsenudki ööklubisse minna, sest neil "poleks seal midagi teha". Ma ütlesin seepeale, et me jõuame kahe paiku kajutisse ja selleks ajaks peavad nad olema ühel pool.

Väljusime Cassie'ga kajutist ja hakkasime karaokebaari poole liikuma. Me ei kiirustanud, kuna aega veel oli.

"Kuule, mida see seal nüüd tähendama pidi?" küsis Cassie, kui me juba põhimõtteliselt baari juures olime.
Saatsin silmadega õpetajad, kes meiega kaasa olid tulnud - läksime nimelt kogu lennuga, nii et neid oli piisavalt. Kaisutasin end, kuna polnud harjunud, et nad mind just nii alasti näeksid. Mitte et ma alasti oleksin olnud .. aga no saate aru küll.

Aga kui nad olid mööda läinud ja inimesi ümber vähemaks jäänud ning ma lõpuks Cassie'le tõsiselt otsa vaatasin, ei suutnud ma ennast tagasi hoida. Ma rääkisin talle kõik ära.
Kuidas ma viimasel ajal end tundsin. Mida ma Jasonist arvasin. Ja .. ma rääkisin talle Jake'ist.

Kui ma vait jäin, kergitas ta korraks kulmu, ja ma mõtlesin, ega ma liiale ei läinud. Kuid kui ma pead pöörasin, sain aru, et asi oli pelgalt selles, et baari poole tulid Analeigh ja Jason. Analeigh kekseldes ja Jason mulle altkulmu pilke saates.
Ma ei tea miks, aga kui nad meist möödudes, siis läks Analeigh meie vahelt - dafuq?! -, Jason aga meie tagant.

Cassie muigas selle peale ja sosistas: "Ikka tagantvaadet tahab,"
Saatsin talle jaa-seda-kindlasti pilgu ning ta muutus tõsiseks.
"Kui sa teda nüüd ära ei võta, ei ole sa õige naine,"

Tegin suured silmad ja mu irve levis üle kogu näo. "Tõesti?"
"Ma mõtlen .. vaata teda. Ta on nagu mingi kuradima Kreeka jumal maa peal. Käib megaseksikalt riides ja tema keha .. mm," Ta tõmbas keelega üle huulte, tehes asja arusaadavamaks. Nagu ma juba ei teaks, eks ole. "Ära nüüd valesti aru saa. Ma ei ole temast päris sedavõrd huvitatud. Ta on lihtsalt keegi, keda halval päeval vaadata. Või noh, jah, heal päeval ka," Ta muigas laialt.

"Jajah, tõsijutt,"
Ta tasandas häält. "Jasonist aga.. Noh, jah, muidugi sa oled tema küljes kaua rippunud .. aga vaata, sul on tõepoolest õigus: ta pole mitte mingitki jõupingutust teinud viimasel ajal, et näidata, et ta endiselt hoolib. Tõepoolest tundub, nagu ta ei hooliks. Ta on muidugi hea inimene, jah. Aga, vabandust küll, ta käitub nagu asshole,"

Kehitasin nõustudes vaid õlgu.
"Aga tead sa mis? Aitab sellest. Sa võtad ta ära. Kui ta sind selles kleidis näeb, ei tohiks see nüüd nii raske ka olla. Lähme," Tüdruk võttis mu käest ja tiris baari sisse.
Silmasime kohe meie omasid ning läksime sinna.

"Kas sa tahaksid minuga laulma tulla?" pöördus Analeigh kohe ja vaatas mulle särava naeratusega otsa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Muigasin. "Ma ei oska laulda,"
Ta lõi käega. "Oh, ole nüüd, see ei saa nii hull olla,"

Äkki ma hindab teda üle? Äkki ta ongi kõigiga liiga sõbralik? Kallutasin mõtlikult pead. "No ma ei tea.."
Tõsi oli, et ma tahtsin täiega karaokes laulda, aga kurb tõsiasi seisnes selles, et mul polnud üldsegi lauluhäält.
Tõmbasin siiski bukleti sõnadega enda poole ja hakkasin lappama.

"Oh, c'mon, ainuke lugu, mida ma kaasa laulda oskaks, oleks 'Barbie girl'," vaatasin Analeigh'le naeratades otsa.
Ta naeris kõlavalt, kuid mitte halvustavalt. "Okei. Ma lähen siis vaatan, kas me saame laulda," Ta tatsas kuskile minema ning me jäime veidi vaikusesse.
Vaatasin ripsmete alt Jasoni poole, kuid pöörasin pilgu kohe ära, kui leidsin ka teda end vaatamast.

Mõne aja pärast tuli Analeigh kurvalt tagasi ja teatas, et karaoke aeg sai juba läbi. Otsustasime siis, et lähme vaatame Eurovisiooni ning tuleme tunni aja pärast kõik klubisse tantsima.


"Oh, ole nüüd, Cassie, isegi minul võttis meigi tegemine vähem aega," kõõlusin kannatamatult uksevahes.
"No me pole ka valmis veel," lausus Michelle vastaskajutist. Ta oli ühes kajutis Annetté, Kelley ja Leaga. Nad panid end ka valmis.
"Uuh," hingasin pahinal välja.

Kuid siis unustasin ma oma kannatamatuse ja pistsin käe hoopis juustesse, et soengut korrastada, sest meie koridori pööras Jake. "Meie koridori", sest imelikul kombel saime me oma kaks kajutit just siin, samal ajal kui kõik teised olid hoopiski teises kohas.

See panigi mu imestama, et mida ta siin üldse tegi, kui kõik teised olid mujal. Jake läks minust mööda ning ma sulgesin silmad, nautides tema odekolonni lõhna.
"Pmst meil on 15 minutit alguseni aega," alustasin ma ning kõndisin veidi koridoris ringi. "Kuigi, kui arvestada aega, mis teil läheb enda valmisseadmiseks, ei jõua me tõenäoliselt ka tunni aja pärast sinna,"

"Oh, ole nüüd, Caro," Cassie vaatas mulle teravalt otsa ning pöördus taas oma meigi poole.
Tema terav pilk ei olnud muidugi midagi võrreldes Michelle'i omaga. Kuigi seda teravaks nimetada on muidugi juba pehmelt öelda.
Ohkasin nende viivitamise peale ja toetasin vastu seina.

Veetsin sedasi oma viis minutit, pööramata õigupoolest tüdrukutele tähelepanu, kuni äkki avastasin, et nad kõik jõllitavad mind salakavalate nägudega.
"Mis on?" küsisin, kissitades silmi.
Ja siis kuulsin ma selja tagant köhatust.

Oota üks hetk, kas mu selja taga mitte sein ei olnud?
Hetke pärast langesid mu taljele kellegi käed ja ma jäin paigale kui kivikuju. Kui ma lõpuks julgesin end ümber pöörata, avastasin, et ma olin just teinud püstijalu sületantsu Jake Evansile.

(A/N: fotod)


SL #29: Rise before the fall

They always tell you, there's rise before the fall .. but they forget to mention, there's also the fall after the rise. Because they all want to hope for the best only.


Work for school.
I chose especially something (cleaning the art class) where he would never go - I controlled even he wouldn't be there.
It's not like I didn't want to be with him, but .. well, I knew back then he'll understand something and it would only make him more suspicious.

I just didn't want to make our situation tenser than it was. We didn't even almost socialize and making him more suspicious wouldn't be the best idea.
When I signed myself up, he'd chosen moving the tables around the school.
When I signed myself up...

But when I entered the art a couple of weeks later, he was there and doodled something.
Oh, did I really dare to say doodle?!  He draws absolutely stunning pictures.
Anyway, the teacher wasn't around, so it was axiomatic - I guess it was? - to exchange at least some words.
"Art society?" I asked, fidgeting by the door.

I still hadn't got used to speaking to him. Ya know .. he's scared of talking to me and I'm scared of talking to him. It was easier in MSN, but the year was different. Something had changed.
If only I knew what exactly it was.

"Um, no," He added some lines to the picture. "Work for school."
I tried for my life to keep my mouth shut.
Pencil, which I was fiddling with, fell on the floor.
Jason looked at me, his brow raised.
I blushed slightly, hiding myself under the tablet to get the pencil back.

What the hell? What is he doing here? He was about to move the desks around... "Weren't you somewhere else? When I signed myself up, there was no one in the list aside from me..." I tried to sound as usual, believable.

I'm not sure whether I failed or not.
"Oh," he said recklessly, looking at his work again. "Some things came along. The only things were left were grooming the football field, cleaning the canteen or the art class,"

"I see," I drew circles on the table with my finger. "What are you drawing there, after all?"
"Come and look," he said with a sly smirk.
I raised my brow mentally. What would that smirk mean?
I walked unsteadily to his table.

"Wow," was all I could say. Firstly, because the wolf Jason had drawn was like a photo - it looked so real. And secondly .. his closeness sent lots of electricity through my body.
Jason smirked like a fox again. "Like what you see, huh?"
"It's amazing,"

"Ah, nothing special. Just everyday stupp,"
"You must be kidding? I wish it was at least something alike the wolf when I take pencil in my hand. What only goes right in my case are butterfly wings,"
"That still something,"



Ade's right. I should stop lying. Especially to the one I love .. Wait, did I really say that? Could it really be true? No one knows. No, wait, little correction: I don't know.

But the truth was, I was trying to save the situation a bit - I really attended that goddamn cleaning only because of her.
I hate cleaning.
And that how she was trying to act like it's totally okay when you actually could see how nervous she was. It was .. cute.

Yeah .. I could lie to Caro .. to Adrianna, but somewhere deep inside I knew I loved her. I was just so cowardly .. or a total ass by not admitting it to myself - imagine that: to myself! My actions  - and actually thoughts, too, though she couldn't see them - were the only ones that showed that.
Kui ma muidugi suutsin käituda õigesti, mitte nii nagu pidin. Ei juhtu just eriti tihti, aga kui juhtub .. siis juhtub.

And now she was here, so close I could simply reach my hand out and touch her. I really wanted to do that.
Reach out my hand and tuck Caro's soft hair behind her ear. Maybe take her face between my hands and kiss her...

Mm .. how about you stop dreaming? Have you actually forgotten Caroline is just like Ade - she can read you better than whoever else?
I needn't to worry, though: Caroline followed the wolf I had drawn - yes, of course I knew she adores them - with her eyes and traced the lines on the paper with her finger.

"How do you do that?" she asked quietly. It was probably to herself but I decided to answer anyway. At least 'cause I liked to talk to her.
"I don't know, it just .. comes out," I shrugged.

I observed her face closely - she didn't look at me at all, btw... - and saw she blushed after I'd answered.
So I was right: she really didn't know she had said it out aloud.
And then she looked at me. Two grayish-blue eyes. Tempestuous ocean, as I liked to call that color.



"'Just comes out'? You are joking. Or no, you have talent," I looked at the picture again, then at him and sighed: "How I wish I had talent to..."
His gaze got more intense.

I tilted my head.
Since when would he look at me like this? I mean, before we would just look at each other for a couple of seconds and then look away, but .. he's eyeing me, really. It's really cute, of course, only that .. only that it makes me wanna do something I must not do.

"You gotta have something," he said, not turning his intense eyes away. "What are you good at?"
I shrugged. "Not singing, for sure. Nor drawing.."
"Can play some musical instrument?"
I smiled as a picture of him, playing the guitar, appeared before my eyes. I shook my head.

He pursed his lips.
Please don't do that, please, I begged him in my head and was ready to close my eyes just to concentrate on my plea. Why are you doing this to me while knowing exactly how much it affects me...
"I know," he said suddenly, "you're good at writing,"

I smiled at him. If only he read my diary .. wait, he must not read it. "Yes, indeed I am. The only thing I am good at. "Compared to your gazillion,"



If only you knew all of them, my love, you wouldn't be that happy anymore.



The teacher visited us only some times. First, when she explained what we had to do, and then came along two or three times to check if we do our job well. Actually it was pretty nice. I would have never thought it could be just two of us and that it would be so amazing.

But we had good time. We would look at each other all the time, he helped me with the heavy boxes .. obviously he had to take them from my hands so our hands would touch every time. It was all cute, but we never broke that line.

And then I thought that he really fulfilled his promise, that we could be friends. Only that I wasn't sure if I should smile at that or cry because that's all we'd ever be.
But in comparison to the following days it was totally nothing to worry about. At that moment I couldn't even think things would go even crazier like they were. And more terrible. Yes, terrible is the word.

(A/N: Photos: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/Alustame%20tyliga%20ja%20tyli%20ise/?action=view&current=5ee32c63.pbw&ps=1&t=1342044754)

Skinny Love (MNLS II): Everything is different now

Every year is the beginning of something new. For students, the beginning of the school year is also start of something new. But if you suddenly become a highschool student, it's even more different than just another new year in the basic school.

I, for instance, decided to get a haircut. My hair, which used to reach my waist, reach only the shoulders now! Girls weren't exactly impressed with it, 'cause they would always envy me for my long hair, and they just couldn't understand how you can get bored with it. I comforted them by telling it will be long enough soon.

Jason decided he should wear more formal clothes. When he appeared at school on Friday, he was wearing a white T-shirt and a blazer instead of his usual black shirts. I had to close my mouth in case I would start drool over him, because, c'mon, if you have a sixpack like this before your eyes, you really can't help yourself.
Since that I called him flatteringly seductive.

And when the day before he looked at me - for a second, though - while sprinting, it felt like something .. divine-like.
Oh. Yes, it is really childish, ineed. OMG, he looked at me! Pathetic.

Something changed as well. Look, I really loved Jason, yes .. I was crazy 'bout him. Girls had to shush me more than ever and actually it was getting on my nerves too, that I couldn't stop thinking about him. More and more with every day.

But .. there was someone else as well. Nothing serious, though. I wouldn't say I was in love again - I guess not. I wouldn't even be sure you can be in love with two persons at the same time. But there was something. Liking, affection, crush? I can't tell. But never again I looked at Jake Evans like an usual classmate.

He had looks. He was handsome, charming, smart .. and at the same time so different from Jason. Whereas Jason was "the mysterious guy", Jake was .. well, you can call him the life and soul of the class, at least one of them. He was immediately in Cyle's gang. And that wasn't cool. Because the company consisted of playboys and cheerleaders mostly and we all know what that means.

And although I once promised to myself never to fall for a player .. yep, I did that. Nevertheless, the more I observed Jake while he wasn't with his crowd, he seemed so different. He seemed .. distant, lost? That's why he seemed to have so much in common with Jason. And that, if I may tell, scared me.

Jason seemed to find a new .. distraction for himself, too. Okay, maybe I overreact. I confess absolutely honestly I'm the jealous type - yes, seriously, I may fall in love with someone else, but don't let him to do that. Silly. Stupid. Egoistic.

That someone was Analeigh. Yes, she may have been better than me. She was more beautiful, smarter .. she didn't ask the wrong question. I mean, Jason didn't need to tell her things all the time. I wouldn't say Analeigh was light-headed, let's just say she was way too flirt.

Of course she wouldn't be with Jason only, it's just my stupid jealousy. She would flirt with all the guys .. 'cept with the Cyle's crowd.
That's something positive.

It's just .. yeah, why did I hate her - it didn't last that long, but still -, I guess it was because Jason .. it wasn't like he was against it.
It wasn't like in my care: as he would get tired of me in MSN - another thing that drove me insane, that they could talk irl unlike us -, he would told me he's about to be away or whatever .. and then again, he and Analeigh spent lots of time together.
That frustrated me.

I think I was just envying her for not being dislikable. She seemed to be too pushy - the reason lots of girls in 10th grades would "hate" her -, but they didn't ask her to leave. They didn't ignore her. They were with her.
And as it looked like, Jason seemed to like her way more than me...
It hurt.

I wasn't even comforted by him looking at me more and more - I learned how to smile at him while locking our gazes - because looks are one thing and talking to someone is another.
Sometimes, it felt like we never had this talk in the summer.

We remained strangers, like a year ago. I knew .. things and reasons, but it's not like they changed our situation. I was still the girl who loved him with her whole existence and he was the guy who pretended not to know anything about it.
How romantic.

Nonetheless .. at times he would do something that made me believe I'm not nothing for him. For instance, if I suddenly look at him and find him observing my legs, then yes, it does make you feel happier. Or when he talks with Analeigh one moment and the next you find him in the gap in our wardrobe just because I would have to touch him slightly while passing by, then I don't know...

Of course he found some time to talk to me. About homework, for example. Such an interesting topic, isn't it?
But what was before was gone. The spark between us had faded if not burned out completely.



It's totally depressive. I hate it. I hate my life. No .. I hate myself.
Of course I don't deserve to be loved. I hurt the girl that loves me with her whole heart, only because I'm such a coward.

I mean, I actually wanted to save Caro from. Zack. I didn't want Zack to know how much Caro means to me. Because I wasn't sure what this bastard would have done with her then. With his egoism he wouldn't stop before anything.
Only that the way I "protected" her was quite .. cruel? Rather heart-breaking.

Analeigh was a good choice because she didn't take her flirt with others too seriously. For her, it was nothing but harmless flirt.
But I could see from Caro's eyes how devastatingly that "harmless flirt" affected her. I was afraid she might have broken every moment.

She was a steong girl, indeed - who else would wait for an idiot like me, anyway? -, but you can't be too strong if the attach is not stopped soon. In my case, the attach was flirting with Analeigh, which was actually about to show Zack that I didn't care about Caroline, but with my principles I had totally forgotten about other spectators.

I still tried to show her I cared about her and that she wasn't just anyone for me, but how much would you believe, if the reality shows something totally different?
And the problem was, she was trying to "comfort" herself with someone else.

Jake Evans. He had just entered the town, but it came out he had some experience in mafia as well. So Zack asked him to join us. And like that wouldn't be enough - little time passed and he was already an adviser of one group.
First, he steals my girl, then he's all about to command her, too .. great. My girl, really?

It's so freaking depressive.
I missed her. I missed how we used to talk for hours. I missed how she always understood me. How she was the only one who could make my life in mafia better - before I would think it's impossible.

And what I gave her in return? Pain, tears and ignoring.
Anywho, yeah, it felt like my life was only getting worse.

(Photos: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/Kaugenemine/?action=view&current=08358797.pbw&ps=1&t=1341658317)


ÄKAM #20: Seiklused jätkuvad

Vaatasin talle imelikult otsa. Siis ma vaatasin Saleishale otsa, kellel oli täpselt samasugune pilk. See peegeldus ka Adami näol.
Vaatasin taaskord Liami poole.

"Mida?" küsisin juhmilt. See ei olnud põrmugi tingitud sellest, nagu ma tõepoolest polnud kuulnud, mida ta ütles. Ma olin lihtsalt .. jahmunud. Ta tuli peale kõike tagasi. Ja palus, et kas me saaksime rääkida. Kes ta enda arust oli selline?

"Rox, ma..."
"Ma kuulsin küll," Tõusin püsti, kuigi nägin Sali pead raputamas. "Eks ma siis kuulan, mis sul öelda on,"

"Sa oled muutunud, Roxana," lausus Liam, kui me olime sööklast välja kõndinud.
See, kuidas ta mu nime hääldas .. see tuletas meelde liiga paljut sellest, mida ma ei tahtnud mäletada. Raputasin pead, et neist mõtetest vabaneda, ning olin juba valmis talle vastu vaidlema, et ma ei ole muutunud, kuid mõtlesin ümber.
See oleks ju vale.

"Tead sa mida? Jah, ma tõepoolest olen muutunud. Ma ei ole enam nii hea, kui ma olin, sest ma ei taha enam, et keegi mind ära kasutaks või minust üle astuks. Ma ei usalda enam kõiki ega räägi neile oma saladusi, sest iga võltsi naeratuse taga on inimene, kes võib sulle iga hetk noa selga lükata. Sinu pärast hakkasin ma inimestest eemalduma, sest ma kardan, et lõpus nad kõik lahkuvad. Ma olen muutunud, sest ma avastasin, kui väga sa ühest inimesest sõltuda võid,"
"Saleisha on endiselt su parim sõbranna," väitis ta.

"Jah, sest ta võitles mu eest. Ta ei tahtnud mind kaotada. Ta ei ole nagu sina,"

"Ma ei tahtnud su südant murda, Roxy,"
"Ma ei kavatsenud sinusse armuda ka, aga me kõik teeme vigu,"

"Kas sa tõepoolest ei tahtnud?" küsis ta.
Kissitasin ta poole silmi. "Me ei vali neid, kellesse me armume,"
"Jah, sul on õigus," lausus ta aeglaselt. "Selle pärast ma kutsusingi sind rääkima,"

Ristasin käed rinnal ning kergitasin ootusärevalt kulme. Ootusärevalt ainult sellepärast, et mul polnud ei-tea-kui-palju-aega, et tema sitta kuulata.
"Ma.." alustas ta ja kratsis kuidagi kohmetunult kaela. "Tahtsin vabandada selle olukorra pärast, kuidas meil kõik lõppes,"

"Ahsoo," laususin asjalikult ja noogutasin justkui mõistvalt pead. "Tore lugu, vennas. Midagi veel,"
"Jah. Küll sa oled ikka muutunud nii .. teravaks,"
Liigutasin käed, ergutades teda edasi rääkima.

"Ma tahtsin .. okei, seda on raske seletada. Ma .. ma tahan sind tagasi,"
Mu suu peaaegu et vajus lahti. Peaaegu. Õnneks on mu enesekontrollitase tõusnud. "Ahsoo. Ja miks sa arvad, et ma peaksin tahtma olla sinu poolt tagasi võetud?"

"Sa armastasid mind,"
Avasin juba suu, kuid mõtlesin, et valedega ei jõua kuskile. "See on .. tõsi. Kuid see on muutunud,"
"Ma saan aru, et sa ei taha mind tagasi. Muidugi sa ei taha mind tagasi peale seda, kuidas ma sinuga käitusin," Ta ohkas sügavalt ning heitis mulle altkulmu pilgu, justkui oodanuks minult haletsemist.

Ei. Seda ei juhtu.
Ta haaras mu käed enda omadesse. "Ma jätsin su maha ainult enda maine pärast. Ma olin mängur ning see ei olnuks mulle kohane kellegagi päriselt käima hakata,"

Suutsin lõpuks oma käed tagasi saada. "Oota, oota. Sa tahad öelda, et sa jätsid mu maha ainult selle pärast, et su tobe maine selle tõttu kannataks? Sa oled ikka paras idioot."

"Armunud idioot,"

"Ma olen sinnusse armunud, Rox,"
Ning vaatamata sellele, et see oligi kogu mu mõte - panna Liam - ja temaga ka kõik teised - minusse armuma, oli see ikkagi nii šokeeriv, et neil võisid olla tunded, et nad võisid midagi sellist üles tunnistada.

Kui ta just... "Ja kuidas ma tean, et seekord räägid sa tõde?"

Ma teadsin väga hästi, mida Sal mulle kõige selle kohta oleks öelnud. "Ära kuula teda. Ära mitte proovigi endale öelda, et seekord on kõik erinev. Sa kuulsid seda juttu ka eelmine kord ja nägid väga hästi, kuidas see lõppes. Ta mängib täpselt sedasama mängu mis eelmine kordki. Kui sa taaskord alla annad, siis sa kaotad. Taas,"

Ning siis nägin ma vaimusilmas Cammy nägu. Kõiki kordi, mil me koos olime. Kõik korrad, mil me armastasime üksteist... Kui tema mulle ütles, et armastab mind. Ja ma teadsin, et mu otsus on muutumatu.
"Käi persse, Liam," sõnasin ma ja kõndisin uhkel sammul minema.


Toetasin seljaga vastu oma kappi. Ma olin täiesti vastu õppetöö jätkamiselt. Situatsioon Liamiga oli mind .. endast välja viinud.

"Mida ta tahtis sinust?" Cammy hääl kõlas otse mu eest.
Vaatasin talle otsa. "Millest sa räägid?"
Ta pööritas silmi. "Liamist,"

"Kuidas sa tead seda?"
"Lihtsalt vasta mulle," ütles ta pinevalt. "Palun," pehmendas ta oma häält.
Pööritasin silmi, kuuldes tema hääles armukadedust. "Mind tagasi,"
Tunnetasin poisi silmi endal, kuid keeldusin talle otsa vaatamast.
Kas ta tõesti mõtleb, et ma võiksin seda teha? Peale kõike?

Tunnetasin Cammy sooje sõrmi enda lõua ümber, kui ta mu pead enda poole pöördus.
"Rox?" küsis ta, kulmud kergitatud.
"Cammy .. sa ju tead, et ma ei langeks kunagi tema lolluse võrku. Tead ju,"
"Sa tegid seda kord..."

Vajusin näost ära. "Me kõik teeme vigu," ütlesin teist korda poole tunni jooksul. See kõlas Cammyle öelduna hoopis teistsugusena.
"Hei," lausus ta, kuuldes pinget ja kurbust mu hääles. Tema haare mu lõual tugevnes, kuid kahtlaselt mulle meeldis tema jõulisus. See oli nagu .. ma tahtsin, et ta oleks minuga karm.
Tema huuled pressisid jõuga mu omade vastu ja ma teadsin, et ei kannata seda rohkem. Ei põrmugi.

"Ma tahan sind nüüd ja praegu,"
Rakendasin veidi jõudu, keerutades meid veidi, nii et tema oli nüüd surutud vastu kappe.
"Niipea kui söögivahetund läbi saab, tormavad kõik klassidesse ja me jääme vahele," ütlesin vastumeelselt.

Ta suudles mind taas jõuliselt. Me keeled tantsisklesid koos, avastades taaskord üksteise suid, mida me juba nii hästi teadsime.
Kiljatasin kergelt, kui Cammy mu jalgadest haaras, need enda pihale pani ja ma end taas seljaga vastu kappi avastasin.

"Aga ma tahan," urises ta mu kaela vastas, tema käed silitamas mu jalgu, mis mõlemal pool teda olid.
"Ma ei ela tuhande miili kaugusel, kas tead," sosistasin katkendlikult, kui ta oma suudlustega üha allapoole liikus.

"Okei," Tema silmad püüdsid korraks minu omad, seejärel surus ta ühe suudluse mu huultele ja tõmbas mu siis aknalaua pealt alla.

"Autos?" Ta kergitas mänglevalt kulmu.
"Nalja teed? Praegu on talv ja autos on külm." Hammustasin huulde. Auto kõlas siiski .. huvitavalt. Ja ahvatlevalt. "Kõigest paar tänavat," sosistasin unistavalt.

Ta käivitas auto ning heitis mulle veel ühe pilgu, enne kui silmad taas teele suunas. "Sa ei kujuta ette, milline ma sinu juurde jõudes siis olen," urises ta taas.


Niipea kui uks me järel sulgus, läks asi kuumaks. Ta käed väänlesid kui maod mu piha ümber. Keerasin end ümber, et talle otsa vaadata.
Ta suudles ahnelt mu huuli, lõuga, kaela ja .. ta käed libisesid mu pihalt mu jalgadele. Need rändasid mu tagumikule ja ta tõstis mu õhku.

Ristasin jalad ta seljal, kui ta mind magamistoa poole tassis, kinkides suudlusi igale poole, kuhu vaid ulatus.
Paari hetke pärast olin tema all voodil, tema käed nööpides kiirelt lahti mu pluusi. Tema huuled hellitasid mu rinda ja kõhtu.

"Armasta mind, Cammy," sosistasin. Mu hääl kõlas kähedalt ja jõuetult, sest olin otsustanud energia mujale suunata. "Armasta mind karmilt,"

ÄKAM #19: Tee õnne poole

Kõhulihased mu sõrmede all tundusid mõnusad. Eriti kui sellise huvitava tegevusega alustada hommikut. Üldiselt meeldis mulle endale ärgata, Cammy käed mu alasti selga paitamas, kuid ma mõtlesin, et ka tema vajab veidi õrnust.
Ajasin end küünarnuki väele, paitades teda endiselt hellalt teise käe sõrmedega. Mu juuksed katsid pool nägu, nii et ma raputasin veidi pead, et poisile pilk peale heita.

Tema silmad olid suletud - ta magas endiselt - ning ta näol oli hullult armas magava inimese ilme. Tema rahulik, süütu olek pani mu naeratama. Tegelikult pani ta mu alati naeratama.
Sasisin hetkeks ta juukseid, suudlesin huultele ja rinnale ning ronisin voodist välja. Sirutasin kangeks jäänud ja valutavat keha.

Et Saleisha pidi koos Adamiga kooli tulema, ei muretsenud ma sellepärast, et keegi mulle vastu tuleb, seega ei näinud midagi halba selles, et veidi alasti mööda korterit ringi käia.
Avastasin köögikapist pannkookide jaoks mõeldud segu, nii et ei pidanud ise aega veetma ja tainast valmistama. 5 minuti pärast särisesid pannil pisikesed pannkoogid.

Kui neid juba terve kuhi valmis oli, urgitsesin külmikust välja moosi, ning, jätnud maiused ja aurava kohvi lauale, läksin duši alla.
Nautisin kuuma vett enda kangetel lihastel. Masseerisin rahustavalt pead ning küürisin end hoolega, mõnuledes pähklilõhnalises dušigeelis.

Äkiline külm õhuvoog sundis mind pöörama, kuid koheselt pidin ma ka tagasi astuma, sest kahe inimese jaoks oli dušikabiin ilmselgelt väike. Mitte et ma kaebaks.
Cammy võttis mu käest käsna ning liigutas kätt aeglaste sujuvate liigutustega mööda mu keha. Kui ta sõrmed puudutasid mu nahka, ilmus sinna kohta kananahk ning lõpuks värisesin ma üleni ta puudutustest, kusjuures kuumalainest - ja, oo ei, seda ei põhjustanud kuum vesi.

Poisi silmad ei lahkunud kordagi minu omadelt ning lõpuks ma ei suutnud seda enam välja kannatada, vaid panin oma käed ta õlgadele, sulgedes siis need ta kaela ümber, tõmmates sügavasse suudlusesse. Käsn kukkus põrandale, mitte et see kedagi huvitanuks. Kuum vesi tegi naudingu veel erilisemaks.


Söögivahetunni lõpp on alati omapärane vastand selle algusele. Kui alguses, vaatamata oma vanusele, tormavad õpilased ummisjalu sööklasse, et mitte elu eest söögist ilma jääda, siis lõpus kõnnid sa mööda koridori, kuuldes oma samme eriti valjult.

Antud päeval ei kuulnud ma aga ainult oma saame. Kuulsin mingit rahmeldamist koristaja ruumist, mis jäi mulle tee peale ette, kui ma inglise keele tundi kõndisin. Oli kuulda mingit kolistamist, mida ma koristajalt ei eeldanud, mingid kahtlased õhuahmimised ning et sellest veel vähe oleks, hakkas lõpus keegi karjuma!

Viskasin õpikud kotti ning, tormates ukse juurde, avasin selle.
Oh god...
Kallutasin pead.

Stacey võlts blond juuksepahmakas paistis Aidani lihaselise selja tagant. Tema kriiskavpunane huulepulk oli igal pool ja ma mõtlen tõsiselt. Kui ma ütleksin, et see oli laiali vaid mööda ta nägu, oleks seda vähe. Ma võisin seda näha ka Aidani näol - see oli okei -, tema kaelal, tema rinnal, tema seljal .. okei. Aga kui ta ümber pööras, võisin kindel olla, et kui ma pead veidi allapoole laseksin, siis oleks see ka seal.

"Rox, ma.." alustas ta, kuid takerdus siis.
Sest tõde on, et see kõlaks täpselt samamoodi nagu kõikides nendes juttudes ja filmides.
"See ei ole nii, nagu paistab, mis?" Kergitasin kotti oma õlal. "Kui see pole juhuslikult uus .. hmm, õppeaine, siis ma ei tea,"

Vaatasin poisile otse silma. "Me oleme läbi, Aidan,"
"Ei," ütles ta teravalt.
"Jah," laususin ma ja pöörasin ümber.

Imelikul kombel ta isegi ei jooksnud mulle järele.


"Sa .. just .. tegid .. mu .. päeva .. nii .. heaks .. lihtsalt," hingeldas Saleisha naermise vahepeal.
Adam ja mina vaatasime teda kui poolearulist.
"Ma ei teadnud, et sulle sellised asjad meeldivad," sõnas Adam mõtlikult. Ta saatis mulle küsiva muige ja ma noogutasin, proovides naeru tagasi hoida. "Äkki peaks proovima?"

Saleisha naer katkes hetkega ning ta vaatas kutile teravalt otsa. "Proovi sa vaid. Kui sa seda teed, lõikan ma sul..."
"Sal," ütlesin tõsiselt. "Ma söön,"
"Head isu," lausus ta, vaatamata mulle otsa - ta endiselt puuris Adamit pilguga.

"Oh, ole nüüd, babygirl," Adam haaras Salil käest ja tiris endale sülle.
"Ei mingit amelemist sööklas!" kuulsime kuskilt eestpoolt.
Tõenäoliselt oli see meie eriti kuri õppealajuhataja.

Sal libises Adami kõrvale. "Proovi sa vaid," sosistas ta mesimagusalt, silmad kissis.
Adam suudles ta pealage. "Ma mõtlesin tegelikult sinuga, aga jah..."
"Aww, te olete lihtsalt nii armsad," sõnasin ma naeratades.

"Oota kuule, aga kuidas sul teistega on?" Sal jäi toppama, tõenäoliselt proovides meelde tuletada teiste kuttide nimesid, kellega ma kunagi välja läksin.
Kehitasin õlgu. "See oli nagu lihtsalt kohting, ei midagi tõsist,"
"Kas nad arvavad ka nii?"

"Ei tea," Lasin silmad üle saali. "Ma arvan, et arvavad küll," Nii Coreyl, Peetal kui ka Samil olid tüdrukud kas  süles või kõrval. Johni ja Davidit ma hetkel ei leidnud.
"Siis on hea. Nii et sa saad sellega nüüd lõpetada ja rahulikult Camiga olla?" küsis Sal lootusrikkalt.
Naeratasin, kui ta mainis Cammyt.

"Palun teeme nii, et sa ei mõtle praegu, mida te duši all tegite, ja vastad mulle,"
Vaatasin teda, klõpsatades suud kord kinni, kord lahti. "Kuidas sa..?"
"Oh, c'mon, see on ilmselge,"

Vaatasin talle teravalt otsa.
Tema saatis ripsmete alt pilgu Adamile ja ma sain aru.
"Okei, jah .. täpselt see mul plaanis oligi. Ma võin lõpuks õnnelik olla,"

Ainult et minu õnnemull läks mõnusalt katki, kui ma kuulsin järgmisi sõnu: "Rox .. saaksin ma sinuga rääkida?"


MNLS #27: hot summer, killer thoughts and I love you

„And what was that?“ Cassie asked disappointedly.
„Yes, indeed,“ Chantal agreed. „We were hoping to come in one moment and find you kissing,“
I raised my brows "Really?“

„Well, when he came, he had a look in his eyes like he was about to get on his knees and propose to you,“
„Really?“ I repeated. „Propose me?“
„Mm .. maybe not exactly propose...“
„Proposing part is Cassie's awesome attachment. But getting on his knees part was serious. Did he do it?“

„Ah, of course not .. well, actually...“
„He did?!“ The girls leaned closer in unison.
„He kissed my finger joints. Which means he was kneeling besides my bed,“
„He kissed you?!“ Cassie yelled joyfully.

„ Theoretically. Practically, his lips were from mines .. about a meter afar,“
„But that's progress already, isn't it?“
„Since when does he behave so not him?“
„I have no idea. Maybe since he found out how much I had to suffer,“

„That's why he kissed you?“
Why are my girl friends more excited than I? „Well, I guess .. like I understood, he was feeling guilty... That he causes all of this,“
„Uh-ugh,“ they said.

„By the way, thanks, Chan, that you, like he said, 'beat some sense in his head,',“
She made a move with her hand. „You're welcome,“

Cassie fidgeted impatiently. „Why did he tell you?“
I looked at them as they took seat on my bead and scrolled through all the convo in my head. I uplifted myself, so I was sitting.
At least physically I'm feeling so much better.


The girls had gone after I told them everything and we drank tea.
They were happy that I and Jason got it all straight and he told me the story. However, they worried that we still wasn't together, they told me that if I'm gonna wait for him for too long, it's better to leave it aside.
I only smiled and promised to do that.

But the truth was, I had no idea what I was feeling. It was all so .. confused. I mean, yes, of course, I was happy that he told me things - at least some of them -, though I still had loads of questions.

For instance, he didn't give me a single glance while talking. He was looking at the floor, wall, out of the window .. wherever but me while telling his story.
I fidgeted on the chair.
Could he have .. lied?

It was stupid to think but something inside me told me it's not all. He by himself told me too that it's only half of the story. But something inside me told me that I shouldn't believe that. I have no idea why. And of course it was totally stupid to think he could have lied.
Why should he?


21st January

Why in the hell I miss him? It's pretty impossible. I'm thinking 'bout him every minute. According to Russian believe, he's gotta have hiccups for 24/7, poor guy. Seriously. I hate myself for being so .. human. However, if I had been a mermaid or shapeshifter (cat/wolf), I wouldn't have escaped my problems, right? Though, it would be an alternation.

I hate I can't be someone else at the same time. I hate Jason for loving him so much. I hate my destiny for playing with me.

Although the only thing I hate is that I can't hate all of that as I love him. I love myself for loving Jason. I love Jason for falling in love with him so deeply and desperately. I love my destiny for letting me feel something as miraculous like that...

So .. how can I hate and love that all at the same time?



It's not normal. Not a single guy thinks that way. At least not that much. Or so .. emotionally. Too many emotions is girly.
And then again: Caroline, Caroline, Caroline.
"Ugh," I growled to myself and tried to focus on the documents. I wasn't about to succeed at it at all.

After that day, my brain didn't give me any break. That word didn't exist in my life anymore. The days and nights there was nothing but Caroline .. her eyes, her lips, her face .. her body at all. The whole Caroline. Because for me, her soul was important.

I didn't even accused myself of letting emotions, feelings take over and kiss her finger joints. It was important. It was my duty. My sorry for everything I had cause to her .. still do.


Caroline13th February

When in the beginning I said: "Two years are going to pass quickly,", I had no idea time was going to drag on for so long. Really, 4 months ago I said: "When he tells me the truth, I'll be happier," .. It was a mistake. Yes, I'm not happier.

The truth is, it's easier to be when you know you're not waiting for nothing, but only a bit. Sometimes I feel myself so broken and empty I want to get lost. It hurts me a lot, that I can't just take myself together and go to his house and tell him how much I love him. Even if it's my only wish. Even if it's the most important thing ever.

Because I gotta consider him as well. There would be an error in his system. Overload of the brain. He couldn't take it all in at once .. it would be too much for him. Yes, of course it would. I promised that I'm gonna wait and we will be friends during that time. Only that "friends" is way too few for me.



It was true that my thoughts were getting on my nerves. Virtually .. of course I didn't want to stop thinking 'bout her at all. But I couldn't live normally anymore. My previous life was all messed up.

'Til Caroline, everything was sorted out in my life until. What, when, where, with who. When she appeared in my life .. she got everything entangled. Even if I told her, a girl in my life would mess everything up, she couldn't have done more harm than she already did.

I couldn't even do my job normally, and Zack was about to notice it sooner or later. All that was left - that was still working normally - was my body. It just existed and did everyday stuff. My brain, on the other hand...


Caroline22nd February

It hurt to be without knowing, and it still hurts. Why? Why does it hurt that much? I just love him too much. It feels like someone had put on some kind of Jason's spell on me, really. I think about him every minute for about 5 times and as it's not enough, he also appears in my dreams...

What has happened? Had someone encoded a program "Jason forever" inside me? Thoughts, dreams, body and spirit - everyone screams his name. It was routine for a long time, but he still is trying to be something more. Meaning of the life?

But what does that give? Headache, soulache, heartache, tears... And the worst thing is I can tell him nothing of that. Maybe after 2 years? Though, that's not for sure. I can't even think or do anything anymore. I want only one thing - to read his mind or know the future (only 'bout that would be enough).

Whatever, I can do everything, just to get to know the whole truth. But there's no completeness.


24th February 

When you love the one who's killing you, it leaves you no options. But can't you kill me just now then, please? Think about the options: a) you would get rid of a crazy lover, b) I wouldn't have to suffer that much, too.Actually, there's one as well: c) you can tell me you love me. It would be even better, but the choice is yours.

I closed the diary angrily.
It's not normal. I went mad, seriously.
I read the things I wrote over again.

I put my hands over my head and fell onto the pillows. The only smart creature, Angel to be exact - my cat -, who saw my complaints and pining every day, started to tap me with her paw.
I tried to ignore her and let my eyes wonder over the walls. Over the balcony door, armchair Jason had sat on, new mirror, the clock...

I sat up quickly.
"Thank you, Angel," I yelled, storming to the wardrobe and finding some clothes: light gray jeanswhite top and red plaid shirt. Sneakers found their way on my legs.
Where was I running? We had a meeting with all new 10th grade students!


"Look, this one's cute, too,"
You would think it was me. Nice, but actually it was Micha, who rated new classmates and the other 10th graders.
At the moment we - me, her, Cassie - turned our heads and looked at the guys Cyle was already friends with. Or they knew each others before. Knowing Cyle, it shouldn't surprise you.

Pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat.
My heart hadn't been beating like that for a while. It was when I understood I'd fallen in love with Jason. But I had already seen him - it made me extremely happy after long summer and now I stalked him endlessly with my glare -, but he wasn't where I was looking.

My eyes found a tall guy who had hair lots of girls would kill for.
Pit-a-pat, my heart continued to beat nervously.
I raised my brow, but I hadn't any time to think because suddenly he turned and looked me right into the eye.

That was the first day I saw Jake Evans. And as the future showed, a mysterious spark had born that day between us.


MNLS #26: Skinny Love

"Caroline, sweetie, you have a guest,"
I tilted my head, suspicious.
Chantal was way too lovey-dovey for herself. It was as if Michelle would be totally normal for a week nor bitch with me about Jason.
Yeah, a bit strange comparing, though, it's true.

"A guest? Now?"
I looked at the clock that hang on the wall behind girls' backs. It was 7PM.
Cassie nodded enthusiastically. "We're serious,"
"Okay," I said, still suspicious. They're keeping something from me. "Who would that be?"

"Oh, it's hard to surprise you. He'll come in in a second, then you'll find out,"
"No, wait, I can't greet anyone in a bed, with ghastly and with broken finger joints,"
"Trust me, the one who comes in now, has to see you like that,"
I furrowed my brows. "Did you call a psychiatrist or something..?"

"No. Something better," said Chantal, all secretive.
Then they did some dance moves as if hovered out the room happily, and pushed someone inside.
I hardly had time to glance in the mirror that stood on my bedside table, only to get ensured I really looked off color.
That's what needed to be proved. But now I'd really liked to know who...

"Hey," he said somehow ashamed. It was so not him.
Only one word, but it was enough to make me speechless.
What are you doing to me, Jason? Why are you doing this? How are you doing this? "Hey," I breathed out and then inhaled again. "You are .. here?"
No, in the other universe, you know. Yes, it really was a stupid question. 

In my head, thoughts about how he got here and why he was here were spinning around, and in addition, I managed to be angry with  girls as they hadn't warned me of Jason's walk-about, so he had to see me on my worst.

He scratched his neck. "Ehm .. yes. Chantal beat some sense in my head,"
"Oh," I said. So Chantal really had talked to Jason.
When she talked to him, she closed the balcony door and through half-open eyelids I could see only her maniac gesticulation. It could have been funny if it wasn't for questions, chewing me from inside, and if I hadn't been in a condition I was in.

Jason looked at me suspiciously. I can't explain what was in that gaze. There were so many mixed emotions .. repentance, anger - toward who, not me, right? -, care, anger again .. I also wanted to add "love", but that would have been too much.
No, Caro, you dumb girl, don't start overthinking again. Please.

I patted my left hand's finger joints gently and jerked a bit when sharp pain went through them.
Hell, it's pretty painful.
Jason's eyes wandered on my hand immediately, he jerked and sucked for air.
Moreover, he did something special. He stormed to my bed and grabbed my hand.

"Did you cut yourself?" He asked, horrified.
"No, for fuck's sake, Jason," I answered.
"What's that then? How that happened?"
"Momentary weakness," I muttered.

He raised a brow.
"Fine, I just broke the mirror," I pointed behind him with another hand and while he was looking, I could feel blush appearing on my cheeks. Now it felt so .. dumb..
"Oh, god,"

He inhaled and exhaled deeply. "How are you, Caroline?"
"I've been asked for the whole year how I am,"
"And what have you been answering?"
"That I'm .. okay?"

"Am not,"

It was more likely he wasn't thinking clearly - nor me, not him would call that normal behavior of him back that time - when he touched my finger joints with his lips.
Really? I tried my best to hold back surprise and .. happiness as well, not to scare him nor frighten away. It was always my only wish, to be as near to him as possible.

"Mm..." he said and it felt like he was still in trance.
"When will we start talking?"
Then something got on it's place in him. He let go of my hand and stepped back, taking seat in the armchair, which was in the corner of the room. As far from me as possible, shortly said.

I sighed, defended.
Perfect moments never last forever
"I .. the only thing I can say .. I can tell you only half of my story,"
"I think it's better than this,"



Well hell, did I really hope she's gonna say she doesn't want to hear anything? You are dumb, Jason. I gotta look genuine now. I can't just tell straight in her face that, hey, sweetie, you've fallen for a criminal. Yeah.
So I took myself together and made a story which could look real.

"Okay .. so. I had a girlfriend for almost a year and we broke up in the beginning of the 9th grade. As it was my first relationship, it hurt me pretty much that time and I still damn myself at times for the stupid mistakes I managed to make back then. And after the broke-up I wanted to take myself together and change. And as girls interrupt my doings pretty much .. and I have lots of things to do, I said no to all the relationships for about 3 years. I don't know if I'm able to handle that, but the first year is almost over.

Oh... I don't like to lie. At all. Nevertheless, at least something is true...
I knew she could read the lies from my eyes, that's why I looked everywhere else but her while speaking. Finishing part of my story, I looked at her, as ensuring she actually is listening to me - she had been quiet for a while.

But when I looked up, I found her eyeing me, so I went on: "When I got caught by you that day at school .. your behavior gave you out pretty easily. I understood immediately you like me,"
"I didn't think I was that bare-faced,"

I smiled to myself. I only you knew, sweetie, how good I am at reading people. "You're not bare-faced, just..."
"You have experience, yeah, I got that," he sounded uptight and I thought what could be the reason.

"I hoped it'll pass by. That it all would pass by, as soon as possible. It would be better if you hated me," I muttered, returning to the topic.



What? What did you just say? "What .. why? Why would you say that?"
 "You know how wrong I am for you?"

I closed my eyes, feeling tears forming there. I didn't want to cry. Before him, showing how weak I am. That I can't handle the truth. If being honest, I didn't want to cry at all. I got what I wanted - the truth. But the truth was I wasn't ready. I had nothing to do with it.

"Even if you know someone's wrong for you, it doesn't change your feelings even a bit. You still keep lo..." Great, Caro, keep going. "I wanted to say, you still feel whatever you felt for that person," I corrected myself quickly, trying to find suitable words.

Of course I wanted to tell him what I truly felt. But I couldn't, not at all.
 "Jason .. is this why you ignored me? So I would start to hate you? Because when we socialized in the first half of the year .. you felt more open and friendly. Maybe I was wrong, but it seemed like that,"

"Yes, that's why I did that. I'm not taking back my words. You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy. Somebody who doesn't complicate your life. Somebody who won't hurt you,"

"Jason, please," I closed my eyes, as trying to focus my thoughts into the words. "Don't say that. I hasn't been waiting for you, so you can tell me how wrong you are for me. Besides, it doesn't change anything,"

"Why did you .. are you waiting for me for that long?"
I shrugged. "You're the second person who asks me that during the day. And I'm gonna answer that sometimes you just feel that someone's worth to be a part ща your life. No matter how much and what you have to go through. You care about that person and want to be with him and just .. are. Wait for how much is needed and so on,"

"You're strong," he said.
I shrugged again. "Or it's just important for me,"
"Sorry that I .. didn't say anything when we were to meet on 19th," he suddenly said. "It was .. I know it's not an excuse, but I had .. work to do. I'm sorry at all, that you had to suffer that much. Chantal told me .. I hope you're gonna be the cheerful girl again you has been for the whole time I've known you,"

Whoa, he complimented me. "Thanks," I guess. "Another question. We didn't meet only because you had work to do? And nothing else?"



Hell, I knew she's gonna ask that. Of course she got to know me during the year, so she won't believe from the first time anymore.
But I couldn't tell her it was also because I was afraid of talking her tete-a-tete

Because I was afraid that .. I can't say "no". And if I had accidentally said "yes", I was afraid that I would damn myself for it later. And it wasn't like I didn't want it .. her, to be in a relationship with her, it was because a girl in my life would mess it all up. Besides, it would be hell hard to explain her my hobby .. job.

"Yeah, that's it. And as I can conclude .. you are really about to wait for a hell of time. But I gotta warn you that we're really-really different. Take thinking, for instance."



Hahaha, you tell me? "Do I have any hope?"
"I always say 'never say never', so..."
"I hope Chantal weren't getting on your nerves .. I mean..."
"No, she was okay. Look, I'm really into my principles, so I don't know how much she told you..."

I shook my head. "She just mentioned she's about to explore a bit, but almost never told me anything. She said she promised to you,"
Jason nodded to himself as assuring that he can trust Chantal. Then he wanted to add something, but his phone started ringing and he stared at it, terrified, when had taken it out of pocket.
Wait, terrified? Really, Jason and terrified?



The only thing I wanted to do .. I wanted to tell Caro that I want to be with her now, at that exact moment, that I'm gonna leave everything and just be with her. That I'll never hurt her again, that I love her...

"I'm sorry, Caro," I murmured, having seen the name on the screen. The name I would have never wanted to see that day. Actually never at all, but I hadn't much choice.
I'm not sure if she heard me, but she sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. For a moment during which I was already gone.



I wanted to tell him I was already there for him. That he can come wherever he pleases and say "yes". I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment
When I opened them, I understood that  this guy needs only some seconds to leave.
When will my feelings matter to him?

(A/N: fotod: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/The%20talk/?albumview=slideshow)

MNLS #25: confesses

I heard talking. Girls were talking. I couldn't make out immediately who they were. If it was for Jason, I wouldn't even have to exert - my brain was able to make out his voice .. from afar and out of many. Happily for me, I was still in my room and not in the hospital. And I assumed, bright light wouldn't discomfort  my eyes then. So I decided to open them.

"Look, she's awake," Chantal said as I finally managed to distinguish between them.
I blinked my eyes to get used to the light. There was Cassie in the room besides Chantal.
I smiled at them weekly. "Hey,"
"Are you okay?" Cassie asked with a worry.

I gulped and nodded. They stormed to my bed.
"You must never ever terrify us like that, Caroline!" Chantal tried to quarrel with me a bit, though, there was more worry in her voice than anger.
"Exactly! I thought I'm gonna die when we got to your place and you were lying on the floor, helpless,"

I touched my head with a hand for a moment, though I was feeling much better. I even hadn't been feeling dizzy. I felt freshen up.
"Sorry," I muttered silently. "I have no idea what happened to me .. guess I was caught off-guard?"
"You have given too much mental work to your brain. And it's often even worse than physical,"

"Yeah .. I've been thinking a lot lately,"
"You must not think about him that much," Cassie stated.

"Where's Michelle?" I asked suddenly, surprising even myself.
"She's out of town,"

I actually wasn't sure if I wanted my third friend to be there. She wasn't that kind of person who knew how to comfort you in a right way.
On one hand, she would order me to forget Jason and pull myself together, which would be the right move to make. On the other, though, she would be way too pushy and uncommitted. She couldn't exactly understand these kind of things as she didn't have experience about what it is. How it is.

"Don't change the topic, Caro. You know it's true,"
I nodded as it was the truth. "But there's nothing we can do,"
"Something can be always done," Cassie conceded.
I shook my head.

"Tell me about your secret. How can you keep yourself in it and remain so committed?"
"I don't know. It's .. confused. Maybe it's like .. when you sort your life out, you'll realize that sometimes someone is worth it. I don't know why it is like that. It feels like they put such a spell on you that you'll wait how ever long it takes for them to love you like you love them,"

"Wait a sec .. love?"
I nodded. If there was one thing I could have ever been certain about, it's that I really loved Jason.

"Oh .. but how can you love someone who ignores you all the time, who hurts you all the time?"
Cassie and Chantal always shipped me and Jason for"us" more than Michelle. However, even they started to doubt in the end. They had a reason, though. But I had an explanation, too.

"When you truly care for someone .. you don't look for faults. You don't even look for answers. You accept everything. You know how each of us have standards for people? When you love someone, they don't matter anymore. You're not following the standards anymore because someone is creating the new ones. And why I'm still waiting .. I'm just afraid of not having an amazing opportunity like this .. an opportunity to love,"

"How'd you know it's love? Why not just liking someone or crush?"
"There's a major difference. Words 'like', 'love' and 'in love' differ like 'for now', 'for a while' and 'forever',"

Cassie shook her head, but not in disapproval. "Maybe I just gotta find myself someone to understand such things. Don't get me wrong - I don't think you're weird or anything. I just don't understand completely,"
Chantal put her arm over Cassie's shoulder. "I'm pretty sure you'll find yourself someone,"

I smirked and tried not to laugh. Cassie had mentioned she liked Dean - who was, btw, one of Jason's best friends. "Being in love has only one contraindication. When you're being ignored and not loved in return, it feels like hell. But it blench if being compared to it's beauty,"
Cassie only smiled in return.

"You know, you really can improve my mood," I said as it started to feel like the silence is about to take over. "You're like Jasper Hale,"
It made girls laugh and I was happy I managed to turn atmosphere, which had turned stressful, back to coziness.
"I've noticed I can handle if it's about you," Chantal stated. "You're Edward, you sparkle."

"Wait, what?" Cassie laughed.
"Not Edward," I argued. "I'm Reneesme. He's Jacob,"
Chantal started to laugh even more. "What's Jacob's qualities?"
"Bronzed skin, brown eyes, good sense of humour. Oh, he likes horror movies! Kinda Jacob in my opinion,"

 "Wait, wait," Cassie stopped our chat. "Since when are you sparkling?"
"Well, once I had sparkly eyeshadow on, which dripped to my cheeks, and Micha said then I'm sparkling. You weren't at school then, I guess,"
"Can't recall it, but sad I missed all the fun,"
"Indeed. Micha was super mad when we started discussing 'Twilight' because of all that sparkling,"

"Who can see the future? And read others' mind?" Chan asked excitedly.
"I can see the future (done that some times) and he can read minds at times," I answered after some thinking.

Chan shook her head. "You can't be Alice and Reneesme at one time. Two in one,"
"Yes. And Alice and Edward aren't together,"
"Besides, Taylor is way cuter,"

"Dunno," Chantal thought a bit and asked then: "You want to know what's really your special power?"
I nodded and she proceeded: "You can feel vicinity of people. You've done it for two times already: 'Where's my supernatural being?' 'Khm, he's like two meters away,'"
It was my time to laugh out loud. "True that."

"What's my special power?" Cassie asked.
"You truly are Jasper, you know how to fix mood. Listen .. give advice. These are important qualities," I told her.
Cassie seemed to like it.
I leaned towards both of them and hugged them. "Thanks for being here for me,"


I was slowly drifting away to sleep when I heard Chantal's phone ringing. We had fallen asleep in my room.
I opened my eyelids a bit - just much enough to see, but not for Chantal to see I was awake. She quickly pressed the button to answer, so she wouldn't wake us up.

"Helloo?" she answered quietly, being by the balcony door and jerking the nob. The following sentence made me breathless. Sentence, really? One word was enough .. a name. "Jason?!"



Really, I hate Zack. It was like he made that on purpose, gave me loads of job to do, so I hadn't time to talk to Caro for the whole week. Maybe he has more hackers beside me? Hmm..

Anyway, I took my willpower together - though I was such a coward in reality - and just started to go towards Caro's house when I got free morning. I didn't think, I just did my thing.
The problem mostly was about me not having any courage to talk to her. Yeah, I know - a mafia member and cowardly? Doesn't seem for these things to match. But there's a major difference between fighting with some bad guys and talking to girl you lo .. like.

Yes, that's right.
How stupid it was, to lie to myself, and make a girl you love suffer. Never do that! When you love someone, tell him/her. Because hearts get broken because of words left unspoken. You could see it in our situation. *

"Here you are, Jason. You can handle that," I muttered to myself, reaching Caro's place.
So, how I know where she leaves? I like being a stalker.
I rang the bell and listened carefully - nothing.
Ffs, Caro, don't tell me that just today when I got all pieces of courage together, you decided to drive away. Don't tell me that! Or I'll .. dunno what will I do.

10 more minutes passed, but there still wasn't anything. I sighed silently.
Maybe it's just not my day.
I turned on my heels and started my path to home.


Pinck, pinck, pinck. It's getting on my nerves. Pinck, pinck, pinck.
"OUCH!" I yelled as the ball I had been throwing at the wall for half an hour punched my nose.
That's what you get, Jason, when you're hurting a girl that loves you. I sat up in a sec. Loves? What the hell I'm thinking about? Why would she love me? Me?! I'm a monster.

Ade, who happened to pass by the door, peeked in.
Why hadn't I closed the door? I must be really distrait.
"What would ya yell at?" she asked. "And why is here such a mess?"
I looked at her sullenly. "The ball punched my nose," I gnarled.

She furrowed her brows and I immediately understood it wasn't because of my clumsiness.
She jumped over the things and landed on the bed. Ade looked me straight into the eye, but it felt like she looked into my soul.

"Tell me what's wrong," she ordered.
Usually, I would start to argue, deny thing, telling her there's nothing wrong. But that was Ade. My sister, who knew me better than whoever. She knew about things I've messed up, and even though she didn't like it even a bit, she supported me. And then again, she knew about .. my personal angel.

"Did Fido of the Hell do something that annoyed my brothie?" she asked, all lovey-dovey, calling Zack by his nickname, given by herself.
I shook my head.
"Mm.." Adrianna said thoughtfully and rolled herself on the stomach "Then it's more serious. Tell me how are you and your angel doing,"

I smirked. Ade happened to see once a picture of Caroline I had drawn and stupidly signed as 'my angel'. That's why she used the nickname to cheer me up, as well as the Fido of the Hell.
I looked my sister in the eye and uncontrollably, everything I had inside poured out. Everything I could never tell anyone, even though there was someone I'd pretty much liked and needed to tell that.

"And you just left?" she asked finally, furrowing her brows as I reached events that had happened some hours ago.
"What would have I done?" I asked, furrowing my brows, too.
"I slept on your doorstep, begging for one chance," Ade sang thoughtfully.
I gave her keep-calm-now gaze.

The girl chewed her lip for a couple of minutes. I raised my brows at her, waiting for what would she come up with.
"I don't believe Caro's out of town, mkm. She can't be. She wouldn't leave without your answer,"
"Why would you think she's so into me?"

Ade gave me an isn't-it-obvious look. "You gotta call Chantal. She knows,"


"You can't just ignore her! She had a suffered a nervous breakdown! We thought we gotta take her to the hospital! What the hell are you thinking, Jason?!" Chantal yelled so loudly I had to keep my phone in distance.
I ground my teeth and that wasn't because I hadn't ever seen/heard so pissed off Chantal. It was rather because it was killing me, that the girl I loved was so unhinged, literally.

"Chantal .. I'm sorry, I just..." What am I to say? What I actually have to say? That I managed to get involved with the wrong people, suffering because of it now? That's not an excuse to hurt other people.
"Ugh, don't you dare to start with that. Just tell me why are you ignoring her? How can you do that to someone who lo.. likes you?" she corrected quickly.

Was she really going to say "loves"? Oh... "I thought it'll be better like that. I'm so wrong for her. I wish she would forget me,"
"Let's start with the problem that we don't actually chose the ones we fall in love with, no mattering how wrong they are. Secondly, you should have told her that in the beginning, not talk to her all the time and be near and just get her hopes up,"

"I just .. don't deserve her,"
"Don't say that. I'm not the one to decide whether you are or not. In my opinion, you look cute together. She cares 'bout you, Jason. She's in love with you. Head over heels. She would do everything for you, everything indeedMaybe that's what you're afraid of. That she's way too in love with you. But something's telling me you're feeling that, too. Is that's what you are scared of? That you two would be too perfect together? Because you are perfect. And exactly because of that, Jason, you shouldn't be like it's nothing. Or, for fuck's sake, like it's absolutely usual thing. You must talk. She's waiting for you, has been waiting for a while. If she waits for some more time, I don't think it'll end well. You must come here, Jason, just now. She needs you." With that Chantal ended the call as if her energy had ended.

In my case, it would.
But what was the most important - she made me understand something really well. And that's why I started accomplishing it just then.

(A/N: Pildid selle osa jaoks: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/Ootamine/?action=view&current=ae0d106c.pbw)


MNLS #24: don't torture me

Maybe it wasn't a good idea, after all.
I looked at my bloody finger joints and then at the beautiful mirror, which hardly 5 minutes ago decorated the loft above my washstand in the bathroom.

I didn't feel pain anymore. Mental was gone for a moment, so the brain could focus on physical pain. However, I did feel very little of that 'cause .. I was enured in that case.
Don't think I had been cutting myself or anything. I just have this very stupid habit to get stuck everywhere. For example, touch corners slightly and fall .. I'm such a wuss.
I'm dangerous to myself, I came to a conclusion. I may not be alone for any longer. I need .. Chantal.


"A message?"
"I can't,"
"I don't know.. Actually, I don't know what to write. 'Cause I know how he will react. And I virtually can't send a send day before as I don't know what will happen the next,"

"Yeah. Talk to him in MSN then. And watch weather forecast,"
"He's not here again! I can't understand how he can not to give a fuck when he knows someone likes him. And I can bet he'll appear at night,"
"But you gotta make an agreement when you meet! It would be better if it was made in MSN,"
"And if I won't be in when he is?"

"Be here at half 12. He may be available then. You know it better than me,"
"I'll be here then, too,"
"Thanks :) It's just .. when you'd called and told me he's available .. like he hadn't come in on purpose,"

"It's .. possible. I was even thinking about saying, "dude, you can't avoid her forever" But wasn't sure, so didn't make any relevant remark."
"If he keeps doing it, please make... He doesn't know anything. He thinks it's easy to forget what's been happening for 1,5 years."
"You know .. generally, I think you should leave it behind. It was fun, but it's time to move forward."
Really, Chantal? Even you? "But I can't just forget it all..."

"Ofc you can't. I know what are you feeling. But you need some activity,"


After a couple of hours

"I hate..."
"His behaviour"
"What he did again?"

"Doesn't appear. Everyone's here, everyone. And you keep asking why won't I message him."
"He's watching football,"
"How would you know?"
"Because it's on :D Brazil-Ivory Coast. 1-0 is now,"

I tilted my head tiredly. You're really thinking it's funny? Really, Chan? "And what has he been doing for the whole day? For the whole year, there wasn't a day he wouldn't be online even just for a moment. And at times he was in for 24/7. And now..."
"Maybe he doesn't want to talk to you... It's possible he's busy. I believe he's watching football. For the whole day .. did it, too :D You need to talk to him. I just hope he's not that coward he's afraid of talking to you,"

We'll never know... "I NEED to talk to him. And he knows it,"
"You do,"
"I want to think so much it wouldn't matter to me if he tells me he doesn't want me. But it's not true,"
"You really need to talk,"

"You don't say? I was just thinking that when we has been talking for the whole year, I thought, he's so good person and stuff. And now..."
"He is. Maybe he just tries to postpone it,"
"What does he gets from it?"


"I don't understand. When you like or don't like someone, you should tell him/her as fast as possible. 'Specially when you know he/she likes you, too."
"Mm .. I don't know. You know, boys are really cowardly. Maybe he doesn't have enough courage?"
"Yes. But why would I put so much effort on trying to meet him then?"

"Football's over. And he's not here. Asshole. Not sure anymore if he does not read our convos. I'll appear online for some time, maybe it'll help?"
"Let's see,"
But he doesn't appear.

"Probably not. Dork. Jerk. idiot."
"If he does read..."
"Bumpkin. I hope you're not against me clapperclawing him. Blockhead,"
"I gotta do it by myself at times, so I'm not .. anymore,"

"I doubt he's reading it... Otherwise, he would've reacted. Asshole. Jerk. Selfish idiot. World's biggest PIG. Pig. Donkey. Camel. Bear. Polar bear. Desert fox. Redbreast. Just a horse's ass..."
"And now it seems he's reading my mind and doesn't come in. Or is behind my window as Jacob :D" I actually didn't smile. At all.
"When you finally catch him, stamp him into the ground. Call him and yell for me. He can't escape forever. If it keeps going like this, just call him and you'll talk about things through the phone."

Chantal could cheer me up, though, but inside me .. something happened. Inside me .. my broken being was back. I knew I couldn't bear to be alone any longer.

"Chantal .. are you very busy right now?"
"Um .. no? Why?"
"I'm not feeling good..."
"What happened?!"

"It is said you can't die because of broken heart, but ahhhh..." And then flaked off.



"Caro? Caroline? It's not funny! CAROLINE!"
Fuck, fuck, fuck, it can't be possible!

I turned on chair, quick as lightning, and grabbed my phone to call Caro. It kept calling, but no one answered.
Fuck, I think she fainted.

I grabbed the first jacket that was in my reach and stormed out of house, dialing Cassie's number on my way: "C, we've got an emergency, storm to Caro's,"
Happily, she didn't ask anything.

#A/N: Photos to this part: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/2ra%20raputa%20soola%20mu%20haavadele/?action=view&current=88f3fa96.pbw&ps=1&t=1349634379