28.01.13

SL #48: Close your eyes and dismiss the reality

"You're insecure, don't know what for,"
But I don't want to get up. "Being the way that you are is enough,"
Why thank you, but still... "Baby, you light up my world like nobody else,"
Boys, stop seducing me... "The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,"

"Fine," I growled half-loudly and grabbed my phone. I actually didn't know why I would even get up. I'd forgotten to turn off my alarm clock - stupid me - and the sleep was gone.
Ah, right. Ian has to get to work.

No, wait, one more question: how did I even make it to bed? I furrowed my brows, trying to remember the last night. I remembered talking with Jason. How I'd lay on sofa and he'd hover above me and keep smiling. And I kept looking and looking and...
Most likely I fell asleep then. But how would I get in the bed?!

I was to stand up, but before I could get out the bed, I felt something was most definitely wrong. There was something heavy on my side and someone's fingers on mines.
How didn't I feel that before? Um .. me in someone's arms? Duuh.
I opened my eyes and got confirmed that someone's hand really was around me.

Very interesting, who would that be..? I don't exactly remember falling asleep with someone. Duh, Caro, you can't even remember how you made it to bed. Maybe you overdosed slightly yesterday?
My head didn't ache, so it was out of question. That's interesting.

I turned myself carefully and almost hit Jason's face with mine.
Jason? Really?!
He moved in his sleep, but his hand remained on my side.
And if he wakes up now, he won't be happy. I have to...
Of course I'd love to lay there for many many hours and just enjoy our closeness - 'twas something I wanted so wildly -, but I knew Jason way too well.

On the one hand, he was the one by my side - though I had no idea how'd we managed to end up like this - and I didn't even understand .. But he smelled of his wonderful cologne and .. alcohol (?), so I wondered if I could accuse him of anything - although I still wanted to know how could he have gone that far. And if he'd wake up and found me .. he wouldn't be mad, no. Not with me at least. But he'd be mad with himself, which would end with him thinking it's too much for him and that he should distance himself from me. Go too far away.

I wouldn't cope with that. Again. Or again, again, again.
So I don't really have any choice.
Notwithstanding .. it's totally something special. Even after the dance. Even after yesterday. Even after .. everything.

I sighed quietly to myself, blowing some air at Jason's face and some strands fell on his eyes. I could resist the need to remain there, lying by his side, but couldn't resist the temptation to extend my hand and tuck runaway strands of hair away from his eyes. Even though I preferred him with shaggy hair which would spike in every direction.

I slowly stretched out my hand, so I wouldn't wake him up, and gently touched his hair.
And then, all of sudden, his hand would grab mine. I inhaled loudly, getting ready for a wave of anger.
It didn't come, though, as Jason wasn't even awake - he'd grabbed me in his sleep!
Wow, amazing reflexes... Where would he learn that?

I carefully freed my hand - must say he was strong even for a sleeping person -, shifted myself on the other side of bed in case not to traumatize Jason anymore nor wake him up unintentionally, and slipped my feet on the wooden floor.
I stood up, stretched myself, massaging my stiff from sleep muscles, and peeked at Jason one more time.
He's soooo cute in his sleep.



A smile on my face had no intention of leaving, therefore I had to go to Ian with that wolf grin, pulling a hoody around me before leaving. I deviated into the bathroom on my way to freshen up my face.
I opened two doors wrongly till I found where Ian was.

Oh, god. "Sorry," I muttered, trying to set my eyes on something else.
Ian's back was at me, not that it would change anything: he was still only in his boxers. "Morning. Oh, and that's okay," he smiled at me, then gave a weird look, but that faded quickly. I decided not to ask. For me, it was weird enough to be in one room with him while he'd put on his jeans.

You know .. it was so strange. I mean, Ian was Jason's best friend as well, but at the same time .. we would get along so well. Sometimes even better than with Jason - there are certain reasons, huh? But what amused me was that Jason, Zack - obviously he's not Jason's best friend, but let's pretend for a second that he is - and Ian were so different.

"I came to wake you up," I said, tousling my hair - oh right, why didn't anyone told me to calm my bedhead hair down?
"Oh, thanks, I'd almost slept in,"

I looked around in the room and found an open window. I raised my brow at the lad.
"Yeah, I should close it," He walked to the window, half-naked - which means only in his jeans -, and closed it. "It was so hot in here at night, ya know,"
I doubted he'd try something with Analeigh - mhm, he liked Analeigh .. a lot -, who slept in other bed .. in someone's arms. It was hard to say who it was exactly. Looked like Zack's blond hair, but could've been Adam or .. someone else.  "Hot? I almost froze to death,"

He furrowed his brows. "Froze? Now that's weird," A knowing grin appeared on his face. "You know, you could have..." He shut up abruptly and looked at me as if he'd exposed me his plan of taking over the world.
"I could have what?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"Em .. forget it," he said, letting his eyes wonder around, and grabbed for his shirt.
"Please, don't use that phrase. I hate Jason enough for..." Oh. Silly, silly Caro.

Not that I would have been afraid of Ian exposing something. First difference. I would often have that feeling that Ian knew about .. us. Nonetheless, he'd never mentioned anything when someone else beside me and Jason would be in the same room. I liked him a lot for that.
But still .. mentioning that was .. stupid.

But then I saw Ian's embarrassed and ambiguous facial expression, which made me suck for air. "You didn't think of .. what I'm thinking, right?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Ian waved at me to exit the room after him. We went to the kitchen to eat some breakfast.

"Ian," I said sternly, when we were downstairs and attacked Josh's fridge.
"Listen, it's not any of my business. I mean, of course I want for Jason to be happy and all, but I don't interfere myself in his life.."
"You .. me and Jason .. we didn't do anything. Seriously. You know that,"

"I see," he said simply and looked down my face.
What..? Oh, my god. "It's not .. what you think it is,"
He smirked. "Keep calm, I won't tell anyone,"
"No, really, Ian, it's not funny. I kinda sorta .. managed to take his hoody," Now that, Caroline Forbz, doesn't sound like truth a bit.

Yes, I had lots of different ways to "hit on"  Jason and that taking-wrong-hoody-way would have been quite successful if I actually had planned it. But I hadn't, alright! It really was an accident.
However, it was always like that. When I did something connected with Jason that was not on purpose, majority would always notice. How stupid.

"Whatever you say, Caro," Ian said and turned the egg on the pan.  "One more thing, though. I really meant that,"
"What?"
"I won't tell anyone. I know about .. situation, but I still haven't got idea why you would have to tell the whole world," He growled something under his nose, but I didn't ask because someone was coming down the stairs.

"Thanks, Ian," I just said and smiled at the boy.
We both turned to face the stairs.
"Speak of the devil," Ian said loudly - we half-whispered before, so no one would hear.
Devil? Oh, please. "Morning," I smiled at Jason.

"Mornin'," he said sleepily.
Jason's hair was perfectly messy - how is that even possible? - and his eyes so cutely sleepy that I wanted to hug him and say "aww".
At first, he looked at Ian, then at me, then Ian and me once again. We exchanged looks as well.

"What?" Ian asked firstly.
"Um .. no, nothing," Jason waved his hand dismissively. "I want food, too," he demanded then.
Ian gave me a look and I said silently, just with my lips: "What?"
He pointed towards the kitchen with his head and laughed when I growled in response.

"Why would everyone think that woman's place is in kitchen?" I asked, putting the plate with eaten omelette - thanks, Ian! - in the dishwasher and dug in the fridge. Truly I liked the idea that I could .. might cook for Jason.
"Hey! I made the food before!" he defended himself.
"Choke on this goddamn omelette, Ian," I barked at him.

In addition to his laugh - accompanied with "Toccata": "The divination is happening," - I also heard Jason laughing.
"I see you've had lots of fun here," he said.
As I was facing the guys at the moment, I saw Ian's ambiguous expression.

"So, what would you prefer?" I asked, holding Nutella in my hand. Hey, dessert, too!
He looked at that and shook his head. "I prefer domestic,"
I frowned, but grinned when an idea came to my mind. "Yeah? Well, bon appetit," I threw a butter tub at him.

He raised a brow at me. "Really, Caro, really? You care about me so much..."
My eyes went wide open when he said that. Not that he said or though of it in somehow special way .. but I did. "Fine, I'll fry you some eggs,"
He smiled. "Thanks .. wait, why are you wearing my hoodie?"
Ugh-oh. "Um..."
"I'm gonna brush my teeth," Ian said suddenly and, after winking at me behind Jason's shoulder, moved towards the bathroom.

I supported my hands on the counter and looked at Jason. Once again I cursed myself for pulling my hair up, so I had nothing to cover my face with.
I zipped the hoodie open. "Sorry, I..."
But before I could say anything as an excuse, Jason stood before me and his brown eyes bore into mines.

I was too close to the counter. I was happy I wasn't sitting on one or else the situation would have been even stranger.
"Don't apologize. Or it would seem as if I'm angry,"
"I'm afraid you are,"

He raised his brows. "Should I be?"
I bit my lip. "Well, you know .. when I went to wake up Ian .. and he noticed me wearing your hoody.. well, he though that .. we .. that I and you..."
Jason's bright smile appeared on his lips. He shook his head. "Oh, Ian, Ian,"

I smiled lightly as well.
"You know, you can wear it for now. It's like .. 7 AM, okay. Everyone's fast asleep,"
I nodded slowly, wondering whether Jason had took something the previous day or not. He was too .. nice?

27.01.13

ÄKAM #23: Südamega mängur

"Eino ma ei tea," Tüdruk mu taga näris nätsu ning puhus siis häälekalt mulli. "Ma küll kõigiga ei magaks, kellega silmakontakti teeks,"
Pööritasin silmi ja mõtlesin, mida oleks parem ette võtta, et neid mitte tunnis tähele panna. Vahetunnis oli lihtne: võis kõrvaklapid pähe panna või raamatusse süveneda ning nad hajusid. Tunnis ei õnnestunud seda väga teha.

Jack mu kõrval saatis mulle mureliku pilgu.
"Oled korras?" küsis ta, kui õpetaja oli pilgu tahvlile pööranud.
Naeratasin hädiselt ja kehitasin õlgu.
Noormees ajas selja taas sirgu. Nähtavasti polnud ta mu vastusega rahul.

Kuid mida ma võisingi teha? Valetada, et kõik on korras? Ma ei tahtnud. 'Korras' oli viimane omadussõna, millega mind iseloomustada võis. Kogu selle 'õnnelik', 'eufoorias' ja taoliste tunnete pundiga ma mõtlen. Ma olin .. katki. Ma olin murtud. Ma olin kurb. Ent ma ei osanud ka seda parandada. Veel vähem tahtsin ma sellest talle rääkida.

Helises kell ja, vältimaks edasisi arutelusid Jackiga, korjasin kiiresti oma asjad kokku ning väljusin kiirkõndides klassist.
Ma vihkasin seda, kuidas nad kõik mind vaatasid. Ei, vaatasid oli liiga leebelt öeldud. See oli reaalne jõllitamine. See, kuidas nad jälitasid mind pilguga või näitasid otse, kui 'vastik' ma neile olen.
 Ning ma jõudsin oma vihkamisega selle vastu nii kaugele, et soovisin, et neil nende silmad pesadest välja veereksid, et nad teaks, mis tunne see on, kui..

Oh. Raputasin hoogsalt pead. Ma ei ole ju selline, eks. Ma ei ole. Sulgesin hetkeks silmad.
"Hei! Vaata, kus seisad, eks!" hüüdis mulle keegi, kes mind hooletult müksas, rahulolematult üle õla. "See on koridor siiski,"
Komberdasin oma kapini ning toetasin seljaga vastu seda.
Inimesed. Nad on nii kurjad. Kurjad, kurjad olevused. Ja siis nad räägivad midagi inimlikkusest. Ma näen ainult inimesi, aga mitte inimlikkust.

Avastasin enda eest Jacki, kes mind murelikult jälgis.
"Mida?" küsisin peale ohet. "Palun ära tunne mulle kaasa, eks. Ma ei vaja kellegi kaastunnet ega midagi,"
"Sa oled tõesti väga katki, Rox," ütles ta ja kallutas pead.

Ma ainult raputasin pead, suutmata midagi muud öelda. Ning ma pidin tõesti väga oma mõtetes olema, kui ma absoluutselt ei pannud tähele, mida ta teeb. Ma vaid tundsin lõpuks, kuidas tema käed mu keha ümber on, ja ma jõudsin järeldusele, et kui neid poleks, oleks ma tõenäoliselt hunnikuna põrandal. Ma tõepoolest poleks arvanud, kui laastavalt mulle mõjub lahkuminek inimesest, keda ma ..

"Armastan," sosistasin ma ega suutnud ennast kokku võtta, et pisaratest hoiduda. Need muudkui tulid ja tulid ning ma mõtlesin, et Jacki särki peaks vähemalt säästma, aga ma ei suutnud.
Tema tugevad käed paitasid mu selga ning ma aegamisi rahunesin.
Tõmbusin temast eemale ning proovisin naeratada, kui nägin suurt märga plekki ta särgil.

"Ma .. vabandust," sõnasin ma, kuid naeratasin siiski.
Ta vaatas, kuhu ma osutasin, ja irvitas. "See on väikseim mu muredest,"
"Miks sa hoolid, Jack?"
"Miks ma ei peaks?"

"Hmm. See on lihtsalt .. imelik või nii. Sa oled mängur siiski, te ei..."
"Ei hooli? Jajah," noogutas ta pead. "Nii arvavad paljud. Kuid see ei ole tõsi, Rox. Või tähendab, ma  .. see, et ma ei ole veel valmis "paikseks jääma", ütleme nii, ei tee mind veel südametuks. On mängureid, keda tõepoolest ei huvita, mida tunnevad tema .. ohvrid, aga ma ei ole üks neist,"

Naeratasin talle õrnalt. "Tore, et mul peale Saleisha ja Adami keegi veel jäänud on,"
"Inimesed on julmad, Rox. Aga taolistel aegadel tulebki välja, kes on väärt su elus olema, sest nad jäävad,"
"Aitäh,"
Ta naeratas ning surus käed teksade taskusse.

Vaatasin ümberringi. "Kus kõik on?" imestasin ma. Kas polnud mitte just alanud vahetund?
"Tundides?" pakkus ta justkui huupi.
"Misasja? Millal kell jõudis heliseda?"
Jack vaatas käekella. "Nii umbes 20 minutit tagasi?"

"Oh, jumal, mu hädaldamine pidi ikka päris kaua kestma," Lajatasin endale mõttes vastu pead.
"Pole viga. Aga kuule, ma tahtsin sulle midagi öelda .. sa ütlesid varem, et armastad. Lihtsalt niimoodi ütlesidki,"
Hammustasin huulde ja noogutasin. Ma tõepoolest peaks end rohkem kontrollima.

"Muidugi ma teadsin seda, aga .. Ei. Tähendab, ma muidugi ei tea, aga kas sa .. oled teinud midagi, et teda tagasi saada?"
Puhusin ärritunult õhku välja. "Ta keeldub minuga kontakteerumast. Ei võta mu kõnesid vastu, ei ava mulle ust .. peale seda, kui Liam..." Hammustasin valusalt huulde, et keskenduda pigem füüsilisele valule kui sellele, mida põhjustas see kindel mälestus.

"See on normaalne, pean ma kahjuks tõdema,"
"Aga see ei olnud minu süü!" Tõstsin hooletult häält ja mu lause kajas läbi koridori. Jätkasin vaiksemalt: "See ei olnud. Liam oli see, kes mind suudles! Ja Cam .. ta lihtsalt .. ta lihtsalt ..,"
"Kas ta kuulas su ära?"

"Jah, aga ta lihtsalt pidas seda eimiskiks. Ja ma kahtlen nüüd, kas ma..."
"Et kas sa armastad teda endiselt?"
"Selles pole ma kordagi kahelnud: muidugi ma armastan teda! Aga ma ei tea, kas võin kindel olla, et ka tema armastab mind. Sest see, kuidas ta käitus, see .. nagu ta tunded poleks tõelised. Nagu poleks kunagi olnudki, tead küll," Raputasin teadmatuses pead.

"Ma ei ütleks, Roxana. Ta on praegu lihtsalt kaitsefaasis. Ta kardab sind kaotada. Tead, mu vend oli kunagi tema parim sõber ja..."
"Tõesti?"
"Mhm,"
"Mis juhtus?"

"Ma ei ole kindel, kas olen õige inimene sulle rääkimaks,"
"Miks mitte?"
"See on tema asi, mitte minu, aga..."
"Aga?"

"Ta sai kunagi kõrvetada. Kui ta 16 oli. Ning peale seda on ta olnud kartlik suhete puhul,"
"Tal pole vist jah midagi tõsisemat olnud vahepeal. Enne mind,"
Jack noogutas pead. "Ma täpselt ei tea muidugi, aga tundub küll. Ühesõnaga, miks ta praegu niimoodi käitub .. ta kardab, et ei ole sind väärt,"

"Tema ei ole mind väärt?! Ma arvan küll vastupidi,"
"Ei mingit pidi, Roxy. Te mõlemad olete väärt vaid parimat ja seda te üksteise jaoks olete, eks ole. Aga ta lihtsalt..." Jack raputas pead. "Ma ei tohi seda rääkida. Küll ta ise räägib sulle,"
"Ta ei soovi minuga niisamagi rääkida. Mis siis veel mingist minevikusaladusest,"

"Usu mind, see läheb üle. Ma tean küll, et ei tasu liialt pealetükkiv olla, aga sa pead talle näitama, et sa tahad temaga endiselt olla,"
"Ma proovin, ent mida ma veel teha saan?"
"Sa käid tantsimas, kas pole?"
Noogutasin aeglaselt pead, saamata aru, kuhu Jack sihib.

"Ning sa tantsid tema stuudios, eks?"
"Jah," sõnasin aeglaselt.
"Ja millal oli viimane kord, kui sa seal käisid?"
"Eelmine nädal, kui..."

Ta tõstis käe, et mind peatada. Olin talle tänulik, et ei pidanud seda taaskord valjusti välja ütlema. "Kas sa käid muidu ka nii?"
"Muidu ma käin üle päeva või nii,"
"Näed? Järelikult praegu see on umbes nagu sa ignoreeriksid teda ka. Ning see tekitab temas kindlasti ebakindlustunde,"

"Kas tal ei ole mitte ebamugav või ebameeldiv mind seal näha?" Ma ei mõelnud hoopiski sellele, et minu südames pigistaks miski valusalt, kui ma peaksin nägema tema ükskõikset või, veel hullem, külma näoilmet.
"Välimiselt ta tõenäoliselt näitab seda jah. Aga sisemiselt jääb temasse lootus, et sa tahad temaga olla,"

"Lootus? Aga see on ju kindel, et ma tahan,"
"Tema seda ei tea ju. Ta vaid teeb neid lolle järeldusi,"
Kell helises uuesti ja inimesed hakkasid valguma koridori.
Nägin eemalt lähenevat Saleishat ning pöördusin, et Jacki tänada, kuid ta oli kadunud. Kortsutasin kulmu.

Kuid, nähes Saleisha näol naeratust kaastunde asemel, naeratasin ma ka ise.
Tänan Jacki hiljem, kui olen ta üles leidnud. Vähemalt ma tean nüüd, mida tegema pean. Aitäh.

18.01.13

SL #48 Sule silmad ja peleta reaalsus

"You're insecure, don't know what for,"
Aga ma ei taha ärgata. "Being the way that you are is enough,"
Einoh, tänan väga, aga ikkagi... "Baby, you light up my world like nobody else,"
Poisid, ärge võrgutage mind... "The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,"

"Fain," urahtasin poolvaljult ning haarasin telefoni. Tegelikult ma ei tea, miks ma üldse üles tõusin. Olin unustanud äratuskella välja lülitada - loll mina - ning uni oli nüüd läinud.
Ah, õigus. Ian peab tööle minema.

Ei, oodake, veel üks küsimus: kuidas ma üldse voodisse jõudsin? Koondasin kulmud ninajuurele, proovides meelde tuletada eilset ööd. Ma mäletasin, kuidas ma Jasoniga rääkisime. Kuidas ma lamasin diivanil ja ta mulle ülevalt alla otsa vaatas ning muudkui naeratas. Ja ma vaatasin ja vaatasin ja ...
Ja siis ma tõenäoliselt jäin magama. Aga kuidas ma voodisse sain?!

Kavatsesin püsti tõusta, ent enne, kui ma jõudsin voodist välja ronida, tundsin, et midagi on valesti. Mu küljel oli mingi raskus ja oma käe peal tundsin ma kellegi sõrmi.
Kuidas ma ei tundnud seda varem? Um .. kellegi käsi on minu ümber? Daah.
Avasin silmad ja sain kinnituse, et kellegi käsi oli tõesti minu ümber.

Väga huvitav, kes see on..? Ei tule just meelde, et ma kellegagi magama oleks jäänud. Daah, Caro, sa isegi ei mäleta, kuidas sa voodisse said. Ega sa eile üle ei võtnud?
Pea mul küll ei valutanud, nii et see oli välistanud. Huvitav küll.

Pöörasin end ettevaatlikult ümber ja peaaegu et põrkasin oma näoga vastu Jasoni oma.
Jason? Tõesti?!
Ta liigutas läbi une, kuid ta käsi jäi endiselt mu küljele.
Ja kui ta nüüd üles ärkab, siis ta küll ei rõõmusta. Ma pean...
Muidugi oleksin ma võinud veel seal niimoodi mitu-mitu tundi lamada ja lihtsalt meie lähedust nautida - see oli midagi, mida ma metsikult tahtsin-, kuid ma teadsin Jasonit liiga hästi.

Ühest küljest oli just tema see, kes minu kõrval oli - kuigi mul polnud õrna aimugi, kuidas me sedasi lõpetasime -, ning ma ei saanudki midagi aru .. Aga ta lõhnas ka oma suurepärase odekolonni ja .. alkoholi (?) järele, nii et ma mõtlesin, kas saaksin teda kõiges "süüdistada" - kuigi ma tahtsin endiselt teada, kuidas ta nii kaugele oli läinud. Ning kui ta üles ärkaks ning minu eest leiaks .. ta ei saaks vihaseks, ei.Vähemalt mitte minu peale. Ent ta võinuks vihastada enda peale, mis võiks lõppeda näiteks sellega, et ta oleks arvanud ,et seda kõike on tema jaoks liiga palju ja ta peaks meie vahele suure vahemaa tegema.

Ning seda poleks ma üle elanud. Jälle. Või siis jälle, jälle, jälle.
Nii et mul lihtsalt ei jää muud üle.
Aga ikkagi .. see on küll midagi täiesti erilist. Isegi peale tantsu. Isegi peale eilset. Isegi peale .. kõike.

Ohkasin vaikselt omaette, puhudes sellega kergelt õhku Jasoni näole ning paar salku vajusid ta silmile. Kui ma suutsingi vastu panna sellele, et jääda ta juurde lamama, siis ma ei suutnud vastu panna  kiusatusele sirutada käsi ja siluda juuksed silmadelt eemale. Kuigi ma eelistasin, kui Jasoni juuksed oli sassis ning salgul igale poole laiali.

Sirutasin käe aeglaselt, et teda mitte äratada, ning puudutasin õrnalt ta juukseid.
Ning siis, täiesti äkki, haaras käsi minu omast kinni. Hingasin pahinal sisse, oodates vihalainet.
Seda aga ei järgnenud, kuna Jason ei olnud ärkvelgi - ta oli minust unes kinni haaranud!
On alles refleksid... Kus ta küll seda õppinud on?

Vabastasin ettevaatlikult oma käe - peab mainima, et ta oli isegi magava inimese jaoks liiga tugev - ning nihutasin end teisele äärele voodit, et enam Jasonit mitte traumeerida ega kogemata üles äratada, ja libistasin jalad puitpõrandale.
Tõusin püsti, sirutasin end, masseerides kangeks jäänud lihaseid, ning vaatasin veel kord Jasoni poole.
Ta on magades niiii armas.



Naeratusel mu näol polnud kavaski kuskile minna, nii et pidin sellise hundiliku irvega Iani juurde minema, tõmmates endale kõigepealt pusa ümber. Põikasin läbi ka vannitoast, et nägu värskendada.
Avasin kahte tuppa ust valesti enne, kui Iani oma leidsin.

Oh, god"Sorry," pomisesin ma, proovides vaadata kuskile mujale.
Iani selg oli minu poole, mitte et see midagi muutnud oleks: tal olid ainult bokserid jalas. "Hommikust. Ja pole midagi," naeratas ta mulle, siis vaatas mind korra imelikult, kuid see ilme selgines kiiresti. Otsustasin küsimata jätta. Niigi oli piisavalt kahtlane olla temaga ühes toas, kui ta teksaseid jalga tõmbas.

Teate .. see oli nii imelik. Tähendab, Ian oli samuti Jasoni parim sõber, aga samas .. me saime temaga ka nii hästi läbi. Vahel isegi paremini kui Jasoniga - siin on vist omad põhjused, ah? Kuid mis mind hämmastas oli see, et Jason, Zack - ilmselgelt ta ei ole Jasoni parim sõber, aga oletame hetkeks, et on - ja Ian olid nii erinevad.

"Ma tulin sind äratama," ütlesin ma, sasides juukseid - ahjaa, miks keegi mulle meelde ei tuletanud, et võiks oma padja-juustega midagi ette võtta?
"Oh, tänks, ma olekski äärepealt sisse maganud,"

Vaatasin toas ringi ning avastasin lahtise akna. Kergitasin poisi poole kulmu.
"Jah, peaks selle vist kinni panema," Ta läks poolalasti - ainult teksade väel, st - akna juurde ning sulges selle. "Siin oli öösel nii palav, kas tead,"
Kahtlen, et ta katsetas midagi Analeigh'ga - mhm, talle meeldis Analeigh .. väga -, kes teises voodis magas .. kellegi kaisus. Raske öelda, kes see oli. Meenutas Zacki blondi juustepahmakat, aga võis ka olla Adam või .. veel keegi.  "Sul oli palav? Ma pidin öösel ära külmuma,"

Ta kortsutas kulmu. "Ära külmuma? See on nüüd küll imelik," Ta näole ilmus sekundiga teadlik irve. "Tead, sa oleksid võinud..." Ta jäi järsult vait ning vaatas mind, nagu oleks just mulle oma maailmavallutusplaani teatavaks teinud.
"Ma oleksin võinud mida?" küsisin silmi kissitades.

"Ee .. unusta ära," ütles ta silmi eemale viies ning haaras särgi.
"Palun, ära kasuta seda väljendit. Ma vihkan juba piisavalt, et Jason seda nii palju..." Oh. Tobe, tobe Caro.

Mitte et ma kardaks, et Ian midagi teha võiks. Esimene erinevus. Väga tihti oli mul tunne, et Ian teab samuti .. meist. Kuid ometigi polnud ta kordagi seda öelnud, kui toas oli keegi veel peale minu ja Jasoni. Selle eest meeldis ta mulle väga.
Ent ikkagi .. selle mainimine oli .. rumal.

Kuid siis ma nägin midagi Iani kohmetunud ja mitmetähenduslikus olekus, mis pani mu õhku ahmima. "Sa ei mõelnud ju .. seda, mida ma mõtlesin?"
"Mul ei ole õrna aimugi, millest sa räägid," Ian viipas mulle, et me toast välja läheksime. Liikusime alla kööki, et hommikust süüa.

"Ian," laususin tõsiselt, kui me olime alla jõudnud ja asunud Joshi külmikut laastama.
"Kuule, see ei ole minu asi, eks. Tähendab, ma tahan, et Jason õnnelik oleks ja värki, aga ma ei sega end tema ellu.."
"Sa .. mina ja Jason .. meie vahel polnud midagi. Tegelt ka. Sa ju tead teda,"

"Ma näen," ütles ta lihtsalt ja vaatas allapoole mu nägu.
Mida..? Oh, mu jumal. "See ei .. ole see, mida sa arvad,"
Ta muigas. "Rahu, ma ei räägi kellelegi,"
"Ei, tegelt ka, Ian, see ei ole naljakas. Ma vist kogemata .. ajasin meie pusad sassi," Vot see, Caroline Forbz, ei kõla juba üldsegi tõeliselt.

Jah, mul oli palju võimalusi Jasonile "külge lüüa" ning see pusa-sassi-ajamise-variant oleks osutunud isegi päris edukaks, kui ma oleks tegelikult ka seda plaaninud. Aga ma ei olnud, eks! See oli tõepoolest kogemata.
Ent nii oli alati. Kui ma midagi kogemata Jasoniga seotut tegin, märkas seda alati enamus. Tobedus milline.

"Mida iganes sa ütled, Caro," sõnas Ian ja pööras muna pannil. "Üks asi veel. Ma tõesti pidasin seda silmas,"
"Mida?"
"Ma ei räägi kellelegi. Ma tean küll .. olukorrast, aga ma pole kunagi aru saanud ideest sellest kõigile vasardada," Ta urises veel midagi enda nina alla, kuid ma ei hakanud üle küsima, sest keegi tuli trepist alla.

"Aitäh, Ian," ütlesin lihtsalt ja naeratasin poisile.
Me mõlemad pöörasime end trepi poole, kust sammud tulid.
"Kus hundist räägid," ütles Ian valjemalt - me olime rääkisinud poolsosinal, et keegi ei kuuleks.
Hundist? Oh, palun. "Hommik," naeratasin Jasonile.

"Hommik," ütles ta unise häälega.
Jasoni juuksed olid ideaalselt sassis - kuidas see üldse võimalik peaks olema? - ning ta silmad olid nii armsalt unised, et ma tahtsin teda kallistada ja "aww" öelda.
Ta vaatas kõigepealt Ianit, siis mind, jälle Ianit ja seejärel jälle mind. Me vaatasime samuti üksteisele otsa.

"Mis?" küsis Ian esimesena.
"Um .. ei, ma niisama," lõi Jason käega. "Ma tahan ka süüa," nõudis ta siis.
Ian vaatas minu poole ja ma ütlesin vaikselt, vaid huultega: "Mis?"
Ta nookas peaga köögi poole ning hakkas naerma, kui ma urisesin.

"Miks kõik arvavad, et naise koht on köögis?" küsisin, pannes ärasöödud omletiga - tänks, Ian! - taldriku nõudepesu masinasse ning kaevusin külmikusse. Tegelikult meeldis mulle vägagi mõte sellest, et ma saaksin .. võiksin Jasonile ise hommikusööki valmistada.
"Hei! Mina tegin enne süüa!" kaitses ta end.
"Omlett kurku, Ian," urahtasin talle.

Lisaks tema naerule - "Toccata" saatel: "Ettekuulutus täitub," - kuulsin ka Jasoni oma.
"Ma näen, et teil on siin lõbus olnud," ütles ta.
Et ma olin hetkel poiste poole, nägin Iani mitmetähenduslikku näoilmet.

"Niisiis, mida sa soovid?" küsisin, hoides käes Nutella kreemi purki. Hei, magustoit ka, eks!
Ta vaatas seda ja raputas pead. "Eelistan kodumaist,"
Kortsutasin kulmu, kuid muigasin siis laialt, kui mulle tuli pähe hea idee. "Jah? No head isu siis," Viskasin talle kätte võitopsi.

Ta kergitas mu poole kulmu. "Tõesti, Caro, tõesti? Nii palju sa siis hoolid minust..."
Mu silmad läksid pärani lahti, kui ta seda ütles. Mitte et ta seda kuidagi eriliselt oleks öelnud või mõelnud .. aga mina mõtlesin. "Fain, ma praen sulle muna,"
Ta naeratas. "Tänud .. oota, miks mu pusa sul seljas on?"
Uh-oh. "Um..."
"Ma lähen pesen hambad ära," ütles Ian äkki ning, pilgutades mulle üle Jasoni õla silma, liikus vannitoa poole.

Toetasin käed vastu köögikappi ning vaatasin Jasonit. Taaskord needsin end selle eest, et olin juuksed hobusesabasse pannud ning nüüd ei olnud mul millegagi nägu varjata.
Tegin luku lahti. "Vabandust, ma..."
Kuid enne kui ma midagi vabanduseks öelda võisin, seisis Jason juba mu ees ning tema pruunid silmad puurisid minu omadesse.

Ma olin kapile liiga lähedal. Kuigi olin õnnelik, et polnud selle peale istunud, muidu oleks kogu situatsioon veel kahtlasem.
"Ära vabanda. Muidu tundub, nagu ma oleks pahane,"
"Ma kardan, et oled,"

Ta kergitas kulmu. "Peaksin?"
Hammustasin huulde. "Noh, tead .. kui ma Ianit äratama läksin .. ja ta märkas seda pusa mu seljas, ta .. noh, ta mõtles, et .. me .. et mina ja sina..."
Jasoni särav naeratus ilmus ta huultele. Ta raputas pead. "Oh, Ian, Ian,"

Naeratasin ka õrnalt.
"Tead, sa võid seda kanda praegu. Kell on nagu .. 7 hommikul, eks. Kõik meie omad magavad,"
Noogutasin aeglaselt pead, mõtiskledes, kas Jason oli midagi eile tarbinud või mitte. Ta oli liiga .. hea?

SL #47: How comes we're not yet together while it's obvious to everyone already that we should be?

A successful show always needs to be celebrated. No, we didn't win. We came second. But I think it is quite good for the first time. And as it was Friday, Josh threw a gathering at his place and our company headed there.

At first we played Alias. It was nice as always on the parties all the people would come together, divide into groups and start drinking. And no socializing. So that unusual chance for everyone to really be together was good for us.
That wouldn't mean of course everyone wouldn't split later. Josh's house was big enough for everyone to find a room for their group. Or sauna. Or bathroom. Or terrace. Where ever.

Don't please ask, how I managed to be the only girl on the balcony again. On the one hand, I was porte-poisse, but on the other the girl who would enamor the guys. Well, I don't know, I just like to hang out with them: no gossip or mean retorts. Just jokes. Sometimes dirty - it's when they forget you're a girl -, nevertheless, it's fun to be around them.

Anyway, besides me, there were Josh, who was resting after the sauna, Ian and .. Jason. Okay, I made up my mind. You may ask why I was the only girl. But don't ask, why he was there. He just .. joined when I came there. And I was still wondering why, for the f's sake, we couldn't be together, when it was more than obvious that we both want to be together. It was just .. bullshit.

"So, I'm heading back. It's getting cold," Josh said and, pulling his bathrobe closer, he staggered back to the sauna though his room.
I looked at the guys: they were both eyeing me.

"What?"I asked slightly annoyed and blew out puff of smoke.
Ian smiled foxily and, getting up, headed to the balcony door.
No, please. Don't go away, you can't just leave us .. aloneMy thoughts were heading in totally different direction, though, not the one I wanted them to, but hey, I tried to do something that was healthy for me.
Okay, fine, I'm offended now, Ian. Seriously. I'm gonna kick your ass .. one day.

And so the two of us were left alone. Me smoking the hookah and he sitting just before me, only a meter afar.
Oh god. And how do they think I can resist?
I blew out another puff.
What would I do without parties.

"Is it good?" Jason asked, looking me straight in the eye.
Please don't look at me like that. "'Tis," I breathed.
You think it was easy? To sit with him like that? Of course, everyone knows that I and Jason have been left together for quite a few times, but it didn't mean anything. I mean, every new moment, the stronger vibes would hit my body and holding myself back was getting harder with every time. And it was still hard for me to talk to him. Even after that goddamn dance. Even after all the strange moves I made on him and him pressing me against his body. 'Twas like a .. reflex. And I wasn't sure you could ever got over one.

And now he's watching me like .. like he tries to understand why I would do smth that is bad to my health. Our Mr. Healthy Lifestyle.
"Why would you do that?" he continued, now moving his eyes from mines to the pipe I had in my hand.
Told ya... "It helps me to calm down," I explained, thinking whether he got the ambiguous meaning in that. "Wanna try?" I stretched my hand out towards him.

Mm.
"No, thank you,"
Did I really think he would? I guess no.
He seemed to mull over something and I wondered what would it be.


"Why do you need to calm down?" he asked, looking me deep in the eye.
Are you trying to hypnotize me or something? I returned the look. "Any bet?"
"I'd rather keep my thoughts to myself,"
Despite the darkness I saw him raising a brow. And I saw it only because he dared to be that close to me.

Instead of answering I breathed in another whiff and the ripples filled the air. I inhaled deeply and then breathed it all out.
"Jason, sweetheart,"-since when were these words considered as normal?!- "I gotta calm down after the .. dance," I sent him a knowing grin.

He revealed his teeth. Not wolf-like - not that I would mind -, but into a large smile. 'Twas one of these smiles when, at first, he'd have a total poker face on, which would slowly turn into a smile and then he'd burst out laughing. Even if I could resist his usual smile, that was the one that would totally make my knees wobble. I guess I'd have been on the floor as jelly had I not been sitting already.


"What?" I asked, giggling with him. "Don't tell me you don't need it,"
He went serious immediately and I daunted I had gone too far. I didn't want to experiment how thin his limit of patience was in that case, after all.
But it seemed he'd got over it as he was smiling again. "I admit it's true,"

"Which means?" I tried again and handed him the hose - or however they call it.
Still, he shook his head. "I'll keep faithful to my principles in that case, at least for now,"
"At least for now?" I repeated and smiled cunningly. "That can be fixed,"

"So bad, Caroline," he said and gazed at me. "Until you don't know why I don't do it, you can't change my mind. And I won't tell you because then you will,"
"I can be very persuasive, you know," I stated.
He looked at me with challenge. "I believe you,"

***

It was so odd to sit with him and just talk about falling in love, relationships and simply everything. In addition, to be that close to him even in spite of the sofa size - trust me, it was not planned, at least by me.. -, when our classmates were in every possible sleeping places. The bedrooms upstairs - occupied by the couples who even weren't couples -, the sofas in the offices and where ever, sweating shelves - now that was funny -, the baths?

And then the two of us.
Two people, of whom one loves another deliriously and the other knows only .. I mean, I hadn't told him everything, let's say. And we talk. About that kind of things.
I wondered how I managed to do that. To repress my desires. Be that close to him as there were only two of us - don't forget that people was upstairs and, in addition, too drunk to notice - and not jump on his lap and kiss or again start talking about my feelings.

And then I understood that my feelings for him didn't just mean wanting him or desiring to be with him. My love for him was real. I wasn't egoistically thinking: "I need him, period,". No. I wanted the happiness for him. I wanted that he'd live his life like he wanted to. And if it meant I wasn't the part of it, then .. let's say I loved him enough to sacrifice my feelings for his wealth. I could love him differently, too.

"Nah, you two are not together?" we heard the voice from the stairs and turned our heads there.
Zack was standing there and for some reason, only his upper part was showing.
I opened my mouth but couldn't think of any retort. I looked at Jason, whose eyes found mines for a moment.

"Ah, doesn't matter," Zack said randomly and stepped out.
Ookay, I drawled in my mind. Zack had only worried because he hadn't any pants on. Big deal.
Jason looked at me and I saw him finding a smile which would make me so weak again.

"Should we be?" Jason asked, when his best friend walked towards the sink to grab some water.
He turned to face use, but mean or evil smile was missing. He simply shrugged and answered: "Now, dunno .. maybe you should," With these words he returned upstairs.

"You think he was right?" Jason asked thoughtfully after some seconds, when the door had closed upstairs.
I felt blush appear on my cheeks. I took my head from the hand and put the hand in my hair instead to tousle them and cover the blushing.
"No," Jason said and took my hand.

I looked at him, wide-eyed.
"I just want to examine your eyes while you answer," he said somehow shyly.
So cute! "I .. I .. you know what I want, Jason,"
"I thought that," he muttered and let my hand go. I was still feeling the tickling there as I had grabbed something hot. Um, that was someone hot.

I smiled to myself and laid on my said, head only 10 cm from Jason's legs.
"Please don't tell me you are about to fall asleep," Jason looked at me with such a pleading face when I rolled on my back to look at him to .. to .. I don't even know what I wanted to say.
"You don't want I fall asleep?" My heart was beating rapidly while I waited for his answer.
"I just need someone to talk to," Ouch.

However, I smiled at him. I couldn't be angry with him, even if he was such an arrogant egoist.
"Okay, I'm staying,"
"You would stay awake for me?"
"Why not? I know what it feels like, when you have no one to talk to, Jason,"

*

Jason
And then she smiled at me.
Fuck, Jason, you know how much you don't deserve her. You do know.

'Twas true. Caroline would do anything for me. But the only thing I did .. caused to her, was pain. And the pain was inside me as well as I couldn't give her anything more at that very moment. I wasn't even sure if I could ever. I didn't want for her to be in danger.

Only that .. in the end, wasn't I the danger? 

17.01.13

SL #47: Miks me ikka veel koos pole, kui see on juba kõigile ilmselge, et peaksime?

Õnnestunud esinemine vajab alati tähistamist. Ei, me ei võitnud. Me saime teise koha. Aga ma arvan, et see on ikkagi väga hea esimese korra jaoks. Ning et oli reede, korraldas Josh enda juures taaskordse koosviibimise ja me oma seltskonnaga suundusime muidugi sinna.

Alguses mängisime Aliast. See oli tore, sest tavaliselt on kõik peod olnud sellised, kus rahvas veab end kohale, koguneb gruppidesse ja seejärel hakatakse jooma. Ja ei mingit suhtlemist. Nii et selline ebatavaline võimalus kõikide reaalse koosviibimise jaoks oli kasulik.
See muidugi ei tähendanud, et hiljem ei joostaks laiali jälle. Joshi maja oli piisavalt suur, et igasse tuppa mingi oma grupp läheks. Või siis sauna. Või vannituppa. Või terrassile. Kuhu iganes.

Ärge palun küsige, kuidas ma sattusin jälle ainukeseks tüdrukuks rõdule. Kui ma ühest küljest olen porte-poisse, siis teisest küljest olen ma poisse ligitõmbav inimene. No ma ei tea, mulle lihtsalt meeldib nendega rohkem olla: ei mingit klatši, kuulujutte, õelusi. Ainult naljad. Vahel nilbed - see on siis, kui nad ära unustavad, et sa oled tüdruk -, aga nendega on ikkagi väga tore.

Niisiis, rõdul oli peale minu veel Josh, kes puhkas saunast, Ian ja .. Jason. Okei, ma mõtlesin ümber. Te võite küsida, miks ma ainuke tüdruk olin. Aga ärge küsige, mida tema seal tegi. Ta lihtsalt .. tuli sinna, kui ma tulin. Ning ma mõtlesin ikka veel, et miks kuradi pärast me ei võiks koos olla, kui on ilmselgemast selgem, et me mõlemad tahame üksteisega koos olla. See on lihtsalt .. bullshit.

"Nii, ma lähen tagasi nüüd. Jahedaks kisub," ütles Josh ning, tõmmates mantlit koomale, tuigerdas oma toa läbi sauna.
Vaatasin poistele otsa: nad mõlemad jõllitasid mind.

"Mida?" küsisin kergelt ärritunult ning puhusin välja suitsupahvaku.
Ian naeratas salakavalalt ja, tõustes püsti, kõndis rõduukse poole.
Ei, palun! Palun ära mine ära, sa ei saa meid ju ometi jätta .. kahekesi. Mu mõtted töötasid muidugi hoopis teises suunas, mida ma tahtsin, aga hei, ma proovisin vahepeal teha nii, et mulle tervislikum oleks, eks.
Okei, fain, ma nüüd solvun, Ian. Tegelikult ka solvun. Sa saad peksa .. kunagi.

Ja nii me jäime temaga kahekesi. Mina tõmbamas vesipiipu ja tema istumas otse minu ees, kõigest meetri kaugusel.
Oh jumal. Ja kuidas ma peaksin nüüd vastu pidama?
Puhusin välja järjekordse suitsupilve.
Mida ma küll ilma pidudeta teeks.

"On see hea ka?" küsis Jason, vaadates mulle otse silma.
Palun ära vaata mind nii. "On," pigistasin endast välja.
Arvate, et see oli lihtne? Istuda temaga seal nii? Muidugi, kõik teavad, et mina ja Jason olime päris palju kahekesi jäänud, kuid see ei aidanud midagi. Selles suhtes, et iga järgnev kord läbisid mu keha üha tugevamad värinad ning enda tagasihoidmine muutus üha raskemaks. Ning mul oli endiselt raskusi temaga rääkimisel. Isegi peale seda neetud tantsu. Isegi kui ma ta peal kahtlaseid liigutusi tegin ning tema mind enda vastu surus. See oli nagu .. refleks. Ja ma ei olnud kindel, et neist oli võimalik üle saada.

Ning praegu ta vaatab mind nii .. nagu ta prooviks aru saada, miks ma peaks tegema midagi, mis on mu tervisele halb. Meie härra Tervislik Eluviis.
"Miks sa seda teed?" jätkas ta, liigutades nüüd enda silmi kordamööda minu silmadest minu käes olevale piibule.
Mis ma ütlesingi... "See rahustab," seletasin ma, mõtiskledes, kas ta tajus selle kahemõttelisuse ära. "Tahad proovida?" sirutasin käe tema poole.

Mm.
"Ei, tänan,"
Kas ma tõesti arvasin, et ta võtab selle? Vist siiski mitte.
Ta jäi hetkeks mõtlema ja mu peast käis läbi mõte, millest ta küll mõelda võiks.


"Milleks sul end rahustada on vaja?" küsis ta, vaadates mulle jälle otse silma.
Kas sa proovid mind praegu hüpnotiseerida või midagi? Vaatasin talle samuti otsa. "Pakkumisi?"
"Jätan oma arvamuse praegu enda teada,"
Vaatamata pimedusele, nägin, et ta kergitas kulmu. Ja nägin ma seda ainult sellepärast, et ta julges mulle väga lähedal olla.

Vastuse asemel tõmbasin endasse taaskordselt mahvi ning vaikuse täitis vee vulin. Tõmbasin suitsu sügavalt sisse ning seejärel hingasin välja.
"Jason, mu kallis,"-mis ajast need sõnad tavaliseks said?!- "ma pean rahunema peale .. tantsu," Saatsin talle teadja irve.

Ta paljastas oma hambad. Mitte hundilikult - mitte et mul ka selle vastu midagi oleks -, vaid laiaks naeratuseks. See oli üks neist naeratustest, kui tal alguses oli näol täielik poker face, mis venis aeglaselt naeratuseks ja siis ta pahvatas naerma. Kui ma suutsingi tema tavalistele naeratustele enam-vähem vastu panna, siis see oli selline, mis võttis mind põlvist täiesti nõrgaks. Ma oleks tõenäoliselt želeena põrandal, kui ma poleks juba istunud.


"Mida?" küsisin ma, itsitades kaasa. "Ära ütle, et sa ei vaja seda,"
Ta tõsines hetkeks ning ma ehmatasin, ega ma üle piiri ei läinud. Ma ei tahtnud siiski katsetada, kui õhuke oli tema kannatus selles osas.
Kuid tundus, et ta oli sellest üle saanud, sest ta naeratas taas. "Ma tunnistan, et see on tõsi,"

"Niisiis?" proovisin uuesti, kergitades kulmu ja sirutades tema poole otsiku - või kuidasiganes nad seda nimetavad.
Ta raputas siiski pead. "Ma jään vähemalt praegu selles osas truuks oma põhimõtetele,"
"Vähemalt praegu?" kordasin ma ja naeratasin salakavalalt. "Seda annab parandada,"

"Nii halb, Caroline," ütles ta ja piidles mind. "Kuni sa ei tea, miks ma seda ei tee, ei saa sa mind ümber veenda. Ning ma ei räägi sulle, sest muidu sa teed seda,"
"Mul on hea veenmisvõime," seadsin talle fakti ette.
Ta vaatas mulle väljakutsuvalt silma. "Ma usun,"

***

Nii imelik oli temaga lihtsalt istuda ja rääkida armumisest, suhetest ja lihtsalt kõigest. Ning lisaks sellele olla talle nii lähedal vaatamata diivani suurusele - uskuge mind, taaskord juhtus see lähedus kogemata, vähemalt minu poolt... -, kui meie klassikaaslased olid igas võimalikus magamisasemes. Ülemised magamistoad - hõivatud paaridest, kes tegelikult isegi polnud paarid -, diivanid kontorites ja kus iganes, saunalavad - vot see oli nüüd küll naljakas -, vannid?

Ning siis olime meie.
Kaks inimest, kellest üks armastab teist meeletult, ja teine, kes teab vaid .. tähendab, ma pole talle seda kõike välja öelnud, ütle nii. Ja me räägime. Sellistest asjadest.
Mõtlesin sellest, kuidas ma suudan. End talitseda. Olla talle nii lähedal, kui me oleme täiesti kahekesi - ärgem unustagem, et inimesed olid üleval, ning pealegi liiga täis, et midagi märgata - ning mitte talle sülle tormata ja suudelda või kas või jälle oma tunnetest rääkima hakata.

Ning siis sain ma aru, et mu tunded tema vastu ei peitnud endas pelgalt tema tahtmist või tahtmist temaga olla. Mu armastus tema vastu oli tõeline. Ma ei mõelnud enam egoistlikult: "Ma vajan teda ja punkt,". Ei. Ma tahtsin, et temal oleks hea. Ma tahtsin, et ta elaks elu niimoodi, nagu tema ise tahtis. Ning kui mina tema ellu ei kuulunud, siis .. ütleme nii, et ma armastasin teda piisavalt, et tema heaoluks enda tunded ohverdada. Ma võisin teda armastada ka teistmoodi.

"No te polegi koos?" kuulsime häält trepi pealt ja pöörasime oma pead sinna.
Seal seisis Zack ning millegipärast paistis trepi tagant ainult tema ülemine osa.
Avasin suu, kuid mul ei tulnud midagi tarka pähe. Vaatasin Jasoni poole, kelle silmad hetkeks minu omad leidsid.

"Ah, suva," ütles siis Zack lambist ja astus välja.
Ahsoooo, venitasin oma mõtetes. Zack oli põdenud ainult sellepärast, et tal polnud pükse jalas. Kah mul asi.
Jason vaatas mu poole ning ma nägin, kuidas ta taaskord võitleb oma naeratusega, mis mind nõrgaks võttis.

"Kas peaksime olema või?" küsis Jason, kui tema parim sõber kõndis kraanikausini, et vett juua.
Ta pööras end meie poole, kuid ta näol ei olnud otseselt mingit kurja või õelat naeratust. Ta kehitas lihtsalt õlgu ja vastas: "Ma ka ei tea ju .. võiksite," Ning nende sõnadega läks ta tagasi üles.

"Arvad, et tal oli tõsi?" küsis Jason mõtlikult mõne hetke pärast, kui uks üleval oli sulgunud.
Tundsin, kuidas põsed lähevad punaseks. Võtsin pea käe pealt ära ning pistsin käe hoopis juustesse, et neid sasida ja näo roosakust varjata.
"Ei," ütles Jason ja haaras mu käest.

Vaatasin talle avasilmi otsa.
"Ma lihtsalt tahan jälgida su silmi, kui sa vastad," sõnas ta kuidagi tagasihoidlikult.
Nii nunnu! "Ma .. ma .. sa tead, mida ma tahan, Jason,"
"Seda ma arvasin," pomises ta ning lasi mu käest lahti. Tundsin küll endiselt kerget torkimist, nagu oleks haaranud millestki kuumast. Noh, ütleme, et see oli kellestki kuumast.

Naeratasin omaette ja vajusin külili, pea Jasoni põlvedest kõigest 10 cm kaugusel.
"Palun ära ütle, et sa lähed ka magama," Jason vaatas mulle otsa nii anuva pilguga, kui ma end selili pöörasin, et talle otsa vaadata, et .. et .. ma isegi ei tea, mida ma tahtsin öelda.
"Sa ei taha, et ma magama läheks?" Mu süda peksis meeletult, oodates tema vastust.
"Ma lihtsalt vajan kedagi, kellega rääkida," Ouch.

Kuid ma naeratasin talle siiski. Ma ei saanud tema peale vihane olla, isegi kui ta oli selline ennasttäis egoist.
"Olgu, ma jään siia,"
"Sa oled tõesti valmis minu pärast üleval olema?"
"Miks mitte? Ma tean, mis tunne see on, kui sul pole kedagi, kellega rääkida, Jason,"

*

Jason
Ja siis ta naeratas mulle.
Kurat küll, Jason, sa tead ju küll, kuidas sa ei vääri seda tüdrukut. Tead ju.

See oli nii tõsi. Caroline oli minu heaks kõigeks valmis. Ainuke aga, mis mina talle tegin .. põhjustasin, oli valu. Ja see valu oli ka minus endas, kuna ma ei saanud talle hetkel midagi rohkemat anda. Ma ei olnud kindel, kas üldse kunagi saaksingi. Ma ei tahtnud, et ta oleks ohus.

Ainult et .. kas lõpuks polnud see oht talle mina ise? 

08.01.13

SL #46: Closer than you think

They were all looking at us, but I didn't feel any fear. I felt peculiarly calm. I mean, performances before big mass of people made me always panic, but that time I was really calm. I knew I can do that and that we'll succeed.

My eyes caught Analeigh, sitting among the public, and I tried my best not to show he how pleased I was with the situation. That I got Jason and not her. Though, she had found herself a boyfriend and it was stupid of my to be jealous all the time. It won't get you anywhere. Her too intensive "friendliness" was just getting on my nerves.
But it wasn't exactly important, at least then. The dance was the only important thing.

Everything went as planned. All the energetic dance moves, which made muscles pleasantly sore, all the cool combinations we had specially learned for that amazing moment - it was all in its exact place, just like needed, and it all went as it had to, even better.
Only once I felt Jason jerking.

His eyes wandered in the public, but I hadn't any chance to know the reason. Besides, he managed to keep himself under control, so he didn't mess. That's Jason, after all. And I, too, gave the best I could.
And then, suddenly, everyone froze. Only I and Jason kept moving.

What the hell is happening? Had they changed anything? Why don't I know anything about it?!
"Why would they stop?" I murmured to Jason at the suitable moment. It was, when he was pushing my curved leg against his hip and my hand were around his neck, pulling him closer to me.
If you want my opinion, I was okay with that.

"Just keep going. Feel the rhythm," he breathed in my ear and, holding my hand, helped to crook for 45 degrees.
And there came a part I'd managed only to succeed at only half of the times I've tried.

***

"Caro, you can do it," Michelle ensured me, doing stand-outs at the same time.
"Ugh," I mumbled in response, tucking the hair behind my ear. I believed, too. I could see it in my mind's eye. I felt that. But it didn't want to come off.
"I'll try again. Careful, Jason,"

I turned my side to the loved boy and put my hands in the air, getting ready to  perform a handspring.
When I used to attend the dance courses, I was much worse at doing the handspring than doing the splits. Although, when Michelle gave me a task to do it, I hadn't much choice.
I tried. Tried a lot. But it felt like being fluky, whether my legs were perfectly straight or I landed in Jason's arms just like it was needed. The result was disparate every time, though.

That time I finished by pushing Jason on his back, straddling him.
Oh god why. Try to find more awkward pose .
I looked at team's facial expressions. The guys looked around just in case, the girl rather at us. But all of them had hellish grins on their faces.

Usually I would only shook my head, laughing, but failing time after time had gotten out of hand.
I stood up and extended a hand to help Jason up as well.

"I'm so sorry," I apologized for I-don't-know-what-time. I felt like letting them all down. My disability to get this goddamn handspring done, the right way, could spoil everything.
"I'm sure you'll come through it," I heard Michelle's comforting voice and held myself from opening mouth wide because of surprise.

However, I had to admit, Micha had become more caring and understanding lately. She wouldn't bring you down or criticize as much as she used to.
"Yeah, you can do that," Jason agreed and smiled at me.
With him like this, it was impossible not to smile. Furthermore, he kept on surprising me by saying he can help me after our corporate exercising.

As if by magic, the combination of moves got better and better with every time. Maybe because there wasn't surplus eyes, and even though I wanted to show Jason only my best level, I knew he won't judge me if it goes awry. And maybe it was him, who praised too much. I mean, that the situation was better than it actually was.

But when I stretched myself on the mattress after another hour of practicing, I was sure I'm gonna make it.
Jason's body lapsed next to me and I turned my head to face him. And I don't know what it was that I was driven by - I guess, the heart as my head would never allow such a thing -, but I stretched out my hand towards Jason's face and tucked some strands behind his ear.

I turned on the side and murmured: "Why won't you kiss me already?" After a second, I shut my mouth shut with shock and, with though: "What the hell is going on in your head, Caroline Forbz?!", was ready to face his anger.
Imagine my surprise when it didn't follow. I turned my eyes, in which adoration and wonder had chased away the fear, at Jason, who was looking at me with rather sad eyes.

"Oh, Caro," he said sadly, too.
Does he wish for it? "I'm sorry, I just..." A sudden flow of thoughts vanished as if someone had started playing hide-and-seek with my thoughts and they had all outspread.
"No, you're totally right,"

I felt that my eyes could easily roll out their sockets. Wh-what?!
"The way I act .. it feels it affects you pretty much, huh?" His eyes were observing mines intimately.
I could only nod.

"Or wait, what the hell I'm saying .. like I don't know already, right. You gotta know I want it too, but .. but I can't. I would hurt you if I did,"
"In my opinion, you're hurting me when you're that mysterious all the time," My voice was just whispering.
"I know and I'm sorry. It's just that .. me, my life .. it would become really dangerous if you got involved. Your life would be in danger and I don't want for it to happen. You're a good girl and I don't want to do anything bad to you, I don't want to ruin everything. So I have to keep myself under control,"

His sincerity made me smile. He'd just admitted he cared about me and that I meant something for him!
"But I have a chance, right?"
He nodded. "You have indeed. I wouldn't act like that if you didn't. I'm not that bad, you know,"

***

His words were still echoing in my mind and I felt the power flowing inside me like he'd just repeated them out loud.
On that moment, there wasn't anyone else for me. I ignored Analeigh. I ignored Jake. There were only I and him.
I bent my knee and threw my head up in a sudden, looking at him challengingly.  His smile assured me he believes in my success. So when I threw myself with an abrupt jerk into the handspring, I was sure in my success.

(A/N: photos)

SL #45: You're an angel, Caro



I shook my head as Jason had, once again, refused to tell me what had actually happened. Even when we were left alone, 'cause I had to fix Jason's appearance.
I watched the lad's eyes opening wide, trying to keep myself from laughing, as he saw the make up tools in my hands.
"What are you to do with that stuff, Caro?"
I gave him an obvious look.

"Oh, no, no, no. You aren't. You won't, you hear me? You can't do that to me,"
I raised a brow and put my hand on hip. "Yes, I admit: it's weird, especially in your case. But there's nothing I can do, my dear. You can't perform like that. Imagine you're a celeb,"
We both ignored the words "my dear".

"I don't want any make up!" Jason stated, whimpering, and pursed his lips.
I didn't even try to keep myself from laughing at his mega cute face expression, and came closer.
"No, please, Caro, anything but that,"
"Oh my god. You're such a cry baby," I said and crouched before him. "I'm not going to make a drag queen out of you."

"To what?" he asked, confused.
I only shook my head, muttering under my nose: "Guys," I took concealer in my hand and followed with a smirk Jason's once again scared face. "Hey, listen, it's just concealer. It's going to cover up your blacks eye and scraped lip,"

He didn't seem exactly convinced and his eyes were still big, looking at my act. I squeezed some  drops around his eyes and carefully, trying not to hurt him, dabbed his face with my fingers. His eyes didn't leave mines even for a second and I uncontrollably thought about "The Last Airbender", when Katara begriming Zuko's face with that water from Spirit Oasis - by the way, let's just cry for another time 'cause they didn't end up together. It was fate's twisted sense of humor that I was actually "healing" the surrounding of his eye and it was left eye as well.

"Am I hurting you?" I murmured, pressing a bit tougher - only a bit -, so that the cream would absorb better.
I noticed he wanted to shook his head, but then he likely remembered I was "fixing" his face and he shortly answered: "Yes,"

When finished with the concealer, I stood up and observed his eye.
"So, if I put some powder on that eye of yours, it will be invisible to others. It's worse with the lip .. I think I gotta put some foundation as well. Have you cleaned the wound?" I asked strictly.
A grin appeared on the boy's face, though, he shook his head.

I raised my brow. "I don't find anything funny here, Mr. Lockwood,"
"You," he said and laughed out loud.
I raised my both brows. "What?"
"When you're trying to be strict and all. Then you're funny," he said and coughed to control his laughter.

I shook my head, not being able to hold back a grin now as well. "You get beaten up and you're still laughing,"
"I didn't get beaten up," his voice sounded offended, but I understood he was only joking.
"Fine, fine, you superhero. Let's continue with your make up,"
"Gosh, why,"

"You successfully managed to survive the first part. Don't you lose your heart now,"
"Easy to say for you,"
"Is not. Because I'm pretty sure you're not a coward,"
"Am not," he agreed.

"Make up is not the worst thing in the world, c'mon,"
"Caro! We gotta perform in like half an hour. Oh..." Cassie's was panicking at first, but grew numb then.
I looked over my shoulder, not standing up. "Hey, Cas,"

"You're spending time interesting way," the gal said matter-of-factly.
"Yeah right, if you call that interesting," Jason said silently, but Cassie managed to hear him.
"Brave, Jason, brave," she said and smiled widely. "I can bet quite a few guys would hang back a lot or even run away,"

"It sounds like I'm cowardly, not brave, though,"
"No, no. It's like you are brave enough to wear make up when the one that lo ..  I mean, feels sympathy towards you makes you to,"
I pulled a face at Cassie.

The girl raised her hands as a sign of giving up and said: "I won't interrupt you anymore," And then she slipped through the door back upstairs.
I smiled at Jason cowardly while turning around, and tried to hide my face with hair that has escaped the ponytail. "Sorry, they are always so .. straight-forward,"

He smiled back at me. "I guess I've got used to it. Whatcha gonna do now?" he changed the topic. Probably for me not to feel awkward in the first place.
Cute. "I actually need some rubbing alcohol or vodka at least. Then the concealer again. But some foundation is also needed to be put on, just in case. And I gotta powder, too."

"Sounds like hell,"
I rolled my eyes. "You better be happy I don't do the whole make up like I was taught in the model agency,"
"You used to go to the model agency?" he asked, interested. At least I think it sounded like that. I mean, he had to be as Jason didn't have such a habit to ask about things if he wasn't really interested.

"Yeah, happened once. Alcohol, alcohol," I repeated then, racking my brains about where the hell should I get the rubbing alcohol at school at 8 PM.
"Em .. I guess someone of the guys has it. It's the party afterwards,"
"That's a good idea. I'll go check for it. You again-" I pointed a finger at her. "-sit there and don't move,"
I stormed up the stairs to the hall, where the event was to begin, and saw Zack standing by the door. I had a thought whether he was glued to the wall as he hadn't moved since Jason'd got back.

Okay, I would have never thought I'll ever do that, but .. it always once the first time, plus it's a special occasion. It's going to be alright, Caro. You've just spent about 15 minutes with "your loved person" in one room AND didn't rape him. Okay, that was really insane. I shook my head to get rid of those weird thoughts. "You're a brave girl, Caro," Jason's once-said words went through my head and I knew I'm gonna make it.

"Zack," I said quietly, approaching him.
He looked at me with a big surprise and I couldn't detect any arrogant smile on his face, as I'd waited for.
I raised on my toes and whispered: "I need some vodka,"

"I thought you're about to make Jason look solid for the show. Are you going to throw a drinking party instead?"
I shook my head. "Jason's wound on the lip need to be disinfected. I don't have any rubbing alcohol around. I only need little,"
"Okay," he said and waved for me to follow him, probably to the wardrobe.

We stopped before his locker and he started rummaging through his sport bag. I looked around, hearing the clatter from his bag. No superfluous ears were needed - nothing could have gone wrong.
"Do you have any towel or anything?" he turned to me, looking around with keen eye.
"What? Ah, yeah," I handed him the cotton pad.

He looked at me with an odd look, but didn't say anything. Only tilted the bottle he had in his eyes and gave the pad, now stinking terrible with the alcohol, back.
"You better be careful for no one to notice,"
"I have only some steps to take," I said, facing up to him and tightening my grip a bit around the pad in case to cover the smell.

I turned to walk back, but a thought occurred to me.
"Thanks," I said over the shoulder and smiled at him.
Zack sent me another weird look and didn't say anything. Only when I'd turned around and run some steps away from him, I think I may have heard him say: "So you really do care about him,".
Although, it may have only been my imagination, that Zack is able to be nice.

I opened the door at a blow and slipped inside.
"You," I breathed to Jason, who stood before the mirror and observed his face. "I ordered you to remain on your place,"
"I got bored,"

"Oh, whatever, sit down now," I commanded and took the vodka-imbued cotton pad between my fingers.
Jason quickly blinked his eyes. "Stinks like a couple of alcoholics,"
"Oh god, you complain more than I do! Shut up now,"

"I better don't ask what you're going to do if I won't, right?"
A large grin appeared on my face as I'd recalled what I had answered to the same question the last time. "Depends,"
And then I was being the med-sister and make-up artist again, doctoring my dearest .. classmate.

I saw him closing his eyes and pressing his teeth together, and said softly: "Sorry. It .. yea, may smart a bit,"
"I can handle that," he answered calmer.
Well, yes, all in all, it was just an easy smart. Couldn't be that bad, only in the beginning. After that I repeated the procedure I'd done to his eyes, adding a bit foundation.

I stuffed the stuff into a small back and took out the powder and the brush.
"That dusk-like thing can do anything?" Jason asked, gobsmacked.
"That's not dusk, silly. It's the powder. And yes, it can do something. You saw yourself before?"
He nodded. "I still have my vision,"

"I recommend you to close your eyes," I stated knowingly and took enough dose of powder on the  brush.
With light strokes I covered his eyes, so no one would notice the damage.
Wonderful. If only the lip would be covered perfectly, too.
However, I couldn't disguise that perfectly.

"I think no one will notice that in the dark. I hope, at least," I stated the fact, as Jason was checking him out in the mirror.
He looked at me. "It's like magic,"
I smirked. "No. It's just the make up,"

"Thank you," he said and my breath got stuck somewhere inside, as he was standing so close when I had come closer.
"You're an angel, Caro, you know that?"
"I'm rather a demon, but thank you,"

Someone knocked on the door.
"Why would they know?" I asked Jason silently.
He shrugged. "Cleaning lady?"
"Hmm. Come in?" I said hesitantly.

Alasia peeked inside and immediately, a sweet smile appeared on her face.
"Love birds, maybe you two can give us some moments, too? The performance is in 15 minutes,"
I tilted my head at Jason. "Let's go show that beautiful face of yours to others as well,"
His deep laugh made me smile and that time I was completely sure we were so gonna make it.

06.01.13

SL #44: don't you dare to let us, me down


End of the Melbourne trip was strange, but I enjoyed it at the same time. It began with accidentally calling to Jason's cab in the morning. Hey! It was their fault in the first place. We were packing, minding our business, 'til we suddenly heard Doug's voice from the speaker. His usual gibberish.

And when it suddenly stopped, we called back. I can bet Jason thought of me like an annoying stalker. But to the hell with that - at least it was fun.

The morning continued with me silently singing 'Barbie Girl' thanks to the day before yesterday while coming down the stairs, and a second later I saw Jake coming down from the other side.
A-w-k-w-a-r-d. Fuck that.
The guy smiled at me, wished good morning, but didn't say anything. I, too, didn't made any intention to start the conversation.

On the ship Cassie made me laugh by telling about perfect morning for me: " A knock on the door. Jason: „What?! Again forgot the card here? Fine, I'm coming!“
However, there isn't any Zack, Dean nor Ian behind the door. Instead, there's Caroline, a large smile on her face.
„Hey!“ she says, „Nah, what? You had to come out of the bed for me?“ She enters the cab, closing the door behind. Jason can't nerve himself. What the hell is Caro doing here? he thinks. Caro takes a step closer. „What are you looking at? We're going back to the bed now!“ she says… And we can keep the guys away,"

"OMG, Cas, you're crazy," I stated, however, laughing so hard it was more likely heard over the whole ship. I knew the closest groups are looking at me like I'm mad, but I couldn't help that.
To calm myself, I looked out the window. The sun was shining and the waves splashing. And I knew that when we arrive to Orbost, there's an amazing performance waiting for us, and all in all, everything is going to be awesome.

***

Just for a moment I thought that how cool it would be, if he suddenly came and put his arms around me.
I wouldn't feel so alone then.
And exactly on the second I was giving up, a miracle happened. His arms were actually around me. I was scared at first, but understood later it was because of the dance.
But still.
With my hands on your waist when we dance in the moonlight...

"Oh, hell," I muttered, jerking and abruptly uplifting myself. It was the day when we had the show in the evening. Wasn't weird then, I saw things like this in my dreams.
Then I smiled. It really had been going great.  And funny for sure. Immediately I saw one really funny and cute case before my mind's eye.

***

I remember being - once again, haha - the only girl in the group as others had French and we - me and guys, except Zack - multimedia. Which meant our lessons finished an hour earlier and we had to wait for others to practice.

I stretched myself and slowly started recalling the dance.
I pushed myself up, so my blouse raised a bit. As I looked back at the guys, their gazes were still on my leggings and a bit naked stomach.

"Gays," I muttered half-angrily, half-jokingly.
"Look, we can't be gays when we are interested in your .. you,"
"Perverts?"
"We all have our own perversity level, don't we?" said Ian totally seriously.

I tried to pull a serious face, but my face muscles refused to obey, so I ended up with  bursting out laughing, 
accompanying them.
I kept dancing and suddenly .. and suddenly someone's arms really were around me. Looking up, I realized the dream had came to life.

And I totally didn't give a fuck we were the only pair dancing. I knew Jason's friends aren't mean not going to say anything bad about that. Therefore, I concentrated on the dance and us two only, and it was perfect.
When we finished, I saw from the mirror the missing part of the team. Michelle were leaning on the door and smiled at us.

She was clapping and the smile on her face said it wasn't any joke, but she really liked it.
"Do it the same way on the show and everything is perfect,"

***


The day passed by quickly, guess because I hadn't been thinking of school stuff almost at all. I was with my whole soul in the evening show.
The show was to start after 2 hours, when I, Alasia, Cassie and Michelle were returning from our meal break.

"Hey, girls!" we heard calling someone us from the right, so we turned to the caller.
Others exchanged the looks of misunderstanding, but not me. I knew exactly who it was.
Adrianna. "Hey," I said, when we'd approached closer.
"You know my brother, right?" Mhm. "Jason? Jason Lockwood?"

"Yes, yeah, we're in one class," Michelle answered and she had that confused look on her face, along with others.
"You're Michelle, aren't you?" Adrianna smiled at her.
The gal nodded at her with surprise.

"You're Cassie, Alasia and you..." She looked me in the eye. "You are Caroline," she finished with a smile.
"Adrianna, right?"
The girl's smile grew larger. "Yup, that's me. Have you got any plaster?"

Um .. okay? That's .. really random. I looked at girls, but they shook their heads. "I'll check out," I said and rummaged in my bag. However, I couldn't find the needed thing. I shook my head. "Sadly, no," Have to say, though, since that I always have plaster with me. True story. Just in case.
"Eh, okay," she answered. "Good luck then .. with dance,"
"Em .. thanks," the gals muttered, and I saluted her with my fingers as a good-bye.

"Okay, that was odd, now wasn't it?" Cassie said as we reached the aerobic hall, where we got ready for the show. "I mean .. she knew all of us by names and faces!"
"Yeah, indeed," Alasia agreed.
"Hey, chillax, stop overthinking," I said with not caring tone, though inside me the exact same emotions raged.

After some time Chantal came back; she'd been eating out with Ed.
"You know who I met!?" she said with a bright smile.
"Ade?" I asked matter-of-factly.
"What?! You saw her, too?"

"We all did," Michelle stated.
"She knew my name!"
"Same her," we echoed.
"That's peculiar!" Chantal continued with wonder.

"'Tis,"
"Is Jason alright?"
"Why shouldn't he be?" I was astonished of the sudden change of topic.
"Nah, Ade here and all,"

"Pff, for sure, she just happened to be here. It doesn't mean danger immediately,"
"If you say so,"

***

Jason

"Fucking idiot!" I yelled, knowing no one would hear me. Books, starting with "The Secret" and finishing with "The Gunslinger" flew on the floor, 'cause for the first time in my life I didn't give a shit 'bout them. I threw myself in the bed with hatred.

The dance? a sudden thought went through my head. Ah, fuck y'all.

*

"Jason!" Adrianna roared, not even slightly girly, finding me taking a nap in the bed.
"Why would you yell?" I asked rudely.
She looked at me fixedly. Then she groped for the cupboard.

I rolled myself on the floor with a bang and the thrown vase hit the pillow instead of my head.
"You're insane," I said calmly, pulling myself up, and put the vase on its place.
Ade was still all eyes. "What is wrong with you? And what had happened to your face?"
I touched my face carelessly. "Huh?"

"You'd got black eye. And your lip is abraded,"
"Ah, that," I said as it was nothing. "I fell,"
She put her hands on her hips. "Do I look like I'm half-witted?"
I looked at her ambiguously.

"I can use that vase again, ya know," she said carelessly.
"You wanna make me even more beautiful?"
"Oh, you're so arrogant! What does Caro even see in you!"
I snorted. "She would have argued with you know,"

"Why are you still here?" she changed the topic.
"Where should I be then?"
"You have a performance tonight,"
"How'd you know?" I narrowed my eyes at my sister.

"Well, I just accidentally happened to pass by your school..." she began with a nonchalant voice.
"Accidentally happened to? Mhm, I so believe you,"
"What would that matter? I was there and saw your girl,"
"Caro is not my girl,"

Ade smiled sweetly as if she'd won the lottery. "At least you got who I was talking about,"
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever,"
"Well?"

"I can't go there, Ade! I won't do that!"
"But Caroline will be there,"
"Let her be then,"
"And you wouldn't care if you disappointed her?"

"That means nothing to me. I don't live to impress anyone. I live for myself,"
"But you promised!"
"See that?" I pointed to my face. "I can't go! I hardly even move,"
"What happened, Jas?"

*

I had to be totally normal carrier delivery. Well, with only difference, I had a performance after some hours. But, like always, as soon as everything's going good, it gotta get ruined. Yeah, even with me using the Secret and all.

I had handed over the package when I heard a shout: "Lie down!" and then it all happened too fast.
The dude, who had just got about one kilogram cocaine, had been lying some meters from me, not exactly looking alive. I leaned on the care, shocked by what had just happened.

I knew there were many. I could hear steps from the left, right and the back of the car.
Oh, fuck, I thought, fumbling for the revolver on my belt, though I knew I won't make it with many. I'm not any Jason Statham here.
Sadly not.

"Jason?!" the voice was way too familiar and turning my gaze up, I saw Jake.

You're freaking kidding me, huh? You really must be fucking kidding me?
"What the hell, dude?!" I yelled at him.
"I'd like to know, too," he said and tilted his head.

"Why would you shoot him?" I pointed at Mark- I guess? -, panicking, and stood up, regardless of two soldiers pointing their guns at me. "By the way, maybe..?" I pointed with my head towards the guns.
Jake made a movement with his hand and the guys' hands fell on the sides in unison.
Whoa, such a boss here you are. I wanted to start clapping slowly, but I really didn't have much time.

"Doing my duties?" he said matter-of factly, hands in his pockets, and shrugged.
"He was my duty," I said through my teeth.
"I don't know anything,"

I don't know with what our obviously really content-rich convo would have continued if it wasn't for one of the soldiers falling on the ground, and the hail of bullets following.
"What the heck?"
Jake shook his head. "I have no idea,"

"Oh, snap," I muttered, hearing the bullets connecting with my car. You, bastards, my car... I did something stupid. I stumbled up and started shooting.
"Idiot, Jason," I heard Jake's voice, but he didn't leave me alone, but did the same I did.

There were only two of them, so it didn't take long. I have no idea who they were, more likely friends of the one our dear Jake had shot.
Speaking of him.
"Hey, where do you think you go?" I asked, shocked, after turning around and seeing him walking towards the car with the remained soldier.
"I'm only doing what my boss told me to," he said through the teeth and was to sit in the car.
"You really are to leave me here to take care of it?"
He shrugged reluctantly. I pressed my teeth together and punched him the right hook.
"The fuck is wrong with you?" he yelled in response and punched me, too.
We "scuffled" for some time, 'til the soldier messaged him the boss said to hurry.
Jake punched me in the stomach, so I bumbled away from him, and he sat in the car, not caring about anything. The car rolled away.
Idiot, Jake. Idiot, Jason.

***

"And he just left you there?"
I nodded. "Our rules. We don't have to help each others,"
Ade facepalmed herself. "What did you do with those guys?"
"Got rid of them," I said dismissively. I was hell sure Ade didn't have to know...

"Hmm," she said thoughtfully. "Okay. I understand the reason you are so upset, but that doesn't mean you should deceive others, 'specially Caroline. You know, she was so happy today when I saw her. Elated. She's waiting a lot from the evening,"

I looked at my sister with sad eyes. "I can't go like that, Ade," Especially after that...
Notwithstanding, a large grin appeared on her face. "I'm pretty sure Caroline can fix that,"
"What kind of smile is that?" I pointed with a finger at her face.

She dismissed me with a hand. "Doesn't matter, but you gotta hurry," She came and lifted me from the bed, pulling in the vestibule. "Go now,"
I have no idea what happened, but I couldn't help that. I mean, I suddenly realized I really shouldn't let Caro down. I pulled on my sneakers and stepped outside.

"I'm going now,"
Ade stood at the door and smiled as I turned my back at her and started walking towards the car. I sent a look over my shoulder and saw her still standing at the door, though, she had already a phone in the hand and she possibly messaged someone.
So much you care.

***

Caroline

"Well, where is he?!" Michelle asked furiously, narrowing her eyes at us and even stomped her foot. "We have fucking one hour to our performance and he's not here. Aaah!"

Michelle was very angry. I was .. also. But not that much. It was Jason, after all. And I couldn't be angry with him for too long or too much.

"I'm sure he'll come," I tried to calm her.
The gal gritted her teeth.
I looked at others, panicking. The girls faces was saying they are trying to think of something to calm Micha or get Jason - which would satisfy the first as well. The lads faces were saying they have no idea where Jason is.

Guys .. Zack.
He stood, leaning on the wall, and looked like he doesn't give a care in the world.
I wanted to pierce his throat - just because -, but decided to shut it. I leaned on the wall as well.
Oh, my love, where are you? Don't tell me you're letting me down. Please...

My phone beeped and I felt our whole team looking at me. Message from unknown number: "He doesn't deserve you, but he loves you,"

I looked at the dance floor with worry. "I know he's coming," Thanks, Ade. And trust me, no matter what happens, Caroline will love Jason forever..

And then... "I'm here,"

I turned around and he really was there. Only that he looked terrible.
"My god, what had happened to you?!"

*

(A/N: photos)

SL #43: Care for romance?

"I .. uh, what is that?"
He looked at me with a come-on-look. "Any bets?"
I fidgeted on the sofa and couldn't help but lean away from Jake.
"Got cold feet?" he asked, his eyes sparking in a weird way in the dark, leaned on the back of the sofa and took a sip.

I bit my lip. "I .. just don't..."
"Ah, ole c'mon, I'm just kidding," he smiled at me brightly.
I, on the other hand, smiled unsteadily in aswer.

***

Jason

As all Caroline's girl friends were still on the floor, I didn't think she had gone wandering somewhere. She wouldn't have done that as they would have started looking for her. So she had to do something they had approved.
Jake, a thought came into my mind. Oh no, why?

After scanning the dance floor blow-by-blow, I realized that previously mentioned person wasn't there either, though he had impressed everyone with his break dance skills.
Dandy.

Could Caroline have gone somewhere with Jake? Jake could be a player, though, but...
And then I saw some movement upstairs of the "club". Thanks to the lenses, I could easily see that those I was looking for were there.
And Jake handed Caro a can...

So we just can't go without being criminal, huh?
However, I couldn't do anything bad. I had to admit that despite everything, Jake was quite good and important part of the mafia, so I couldn't lay my hand on him. Moreover, getting rid of him would cause quite a few problems...

Okay, let's take the easier path.
I had to get Zack's phone. Trust me, in a situation like this it was easier than taking a candy from a baby.
'Specially if you look at those children nowadays...

And as called, Zack was there. You could see he had been drinking and arm-in-arm was someone from the other class. In his other hand I could see the wanted IPhone.
Ugh, over rated.

Zack sank on the sofa next to me, pulling the blonde bimbo on his lap.
Please don't tell me they're gonna... Thanks. I love you so much.
By itself, the view wan't exactly nice, but it freed both of Zack's hands, so the phone slipped next to me, unnoticeable to him.

Only ask and you'll get anything.
Luckily, Zack was busy enough not to notice how I sent Jake the message - I asked him to go to the farthest part of the ship aka as far from Caro as possible -, delete it from the phone and put the phone back. I looked up and saw, for my pleasure, how Jake more likely tried to explain to Caro that he has "things to do".
Just like me last year, I recalled. You my poor girl.

After some time Jake skipped down the stairs - doing these weird bouncing steps of his - and disappeared in the door.
Mission completed. Nice job, Jason.

Only that when I looked up again and saw Caroline pouting, her elbows on knees and head resting between her hands, I felt bad and slightly guilty as well. I hadn't had any intention to make her sad. Even if she didn't know how not healthy Jake was for her.
And who do you think you are to judge who is right and who is wrong for her? Like you are some kind of saint, who never hurts her. Already forgot her face when she saw you with Analeigh in the hallway?

The depression kicked in for me, too. Hurting Caro would always cause that. I turned face with a sad face at her and noticed that she didn't sit alone upstairs anymore, but came down the steps to exit the hall.
Being the bastard you are, hurting her through other people, go after her at least, something whispered in my mind. It could have been subconsciousness or clear thinking, for instance.  I'm not sure. But I'm sure enough it was right that time.

***

Caroline

Sick bastards. Why would always those I have zero interest in - even going down the scale to negative - hit on me and want to date? Some kind of bother it is...
I needed fresh air as soon as possible, though, stepping on the deck at night, I felt goosebumps on my arms as the on the sea the breeze is strong.
I should have taken a jacket with me... Ah, doesn't matter much.

I climbed on the bench, setting the legs underneath and looked in the night sky, where for my big pleasure, full moon shined. I know it was weird, but after watching a TV show "h2o - just add water" I had this full moon - and just moon - cult. It was just so amazing! That magical bright disc in the dark night sky and...

*

Third person point of view

"Are you following me?" So nice, Jason. Firstly, it sounded totally hostile, moreover, like a total bullshit.
You really can't leave me alone, huh? I'm an eyesore for you even here?! "Hello to you, too, Jason. What do you mean?"
"Well, I just was to go for a walk and you happened to be in the exact place and..." Facepalm, Jason. You're just such a loser.

"Had it been two days ago, the answer would have been likely or I guess so,"
Jason opened his mouth and then closed again - he hadn't expected an answer like this from Caro.
Bracing up, he asked: "And now?"
"Now everything has changed,"

"You don't seem very enthusiastic,"
"It's just that .. ah, forget it. You wouldn't understand,"
The guy furrowed his brows. " Did you just do it on purpose?"
Caroline raised a brow. "On purpose .. what?"

"You know what," he growled.
"Jason. It's very not likely that I would understand you usually. Moreover, when you talk with some kind of hints, I don't understand you even slight a bit, ," Jason's very peculiar habit to talk tentatively and not straight out would drive Caro insane, 'specially when boy tried to pretend he's speaking clearly.
"How would you know how to sting me?"

Of course Caro still didn't understand anything. But she didn't plan to say anything to him. Instead, she narrowed her eyes on Jason. "Maybe my subconsciousness just knew how to protect itself. here had never wanted to hurt you. You're the one here, who always stings,"
"What do you mean by it?"

Caro snorted and shrugged. "Nah, dunno .. one moment you're all Mr. Perfect, and next you're back to that I-don't-want-to-know-you mood of yours. Just a couple of days ago you-" she silenced her , "hugged me. And the next day you acted as nothing like this had ever happened,"
"I've told you I can't socialize with you in public"

The girl shook her head. "And you wanna know what I think of that? B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. It's the most nonsense thing I've ever heard. It's like .. you're not popular, after all, why would you care if anyone sees you with me? Like for real - whatever,"
"You don't understand, Caro,"

"See? You're the one who says that all the time,"
The lad looked at her half-angrily, but didn't say anything, so the gal continued: "You know, we really are very different. And our major difference is, I never hurt people on purpose, because I care about them,"

"I don't hurt people on purpose," Oh really?
Caro looked at him ambiguously. "You really are that stupid?" she asked, not feeling any compunction at all.
"In my opinion it was on purpose,"

"Even Zack would have been more good-hearted,"
"You don't know him," Jason growled.
"I don't know you either. I thought you know exactly what I feel towards you. One moment you are so perfect - talk to me, make me laugh, make me happy, being cute and caring and .. all. And then something happens. Like someone replaces you. You look me straight in the eye and hit on Analeigh,"

"I don't hit on Analeigh,"
Caroline gave him an I-so-believe-you-glare. "Sure you don't,"
"No, really, Caro, what the hell? She's the one who hangs herself on me,"
"Well, it's not like you don't like it or anything,"

"Listen, I can't just tell her: 'Hey, leave me alone, okay,"
Girl turned her eyes in the farawayness. "You act with me this way. Only that you don't say it out straight, you just..." She shook her head, not seeing reason to continue. "Of course I understand no one can make your heart like someone, but you prefer not to sacrifice yourself for anyone. But say it out loud then. Ugh, I'm so tired of that,"

"Caroline..."
"What?"
"Hey, listen, seriously," Jason leaned closer to the girl and she forgot how to breathe. Guy looked her deep in the eye. "I'm sorry, alright. I truly don't want to hurt you, but I can't help that. I mean, yeah, that's a stupid excuse and you don't understand how it's possible .. Analeigh is coverage. I don't want..." Jason would have almost said: "...you to get hurt by Zack,", but wasn't sure whether it was right.

You gotta give her an explanation. Try at least a bit tell her the truth. "Anyway .. I can't tell you, but some people, after getting to know we are socializing .. we would make the wrong conclusions and it would be dangerous to you,"
"What kind of danger?"
Jason shook his head. "It's hard to explain. Just trust me, okay,"

Caroline smiled dryly and looked at the sea.
Jason doubted for a second, but plucked his courage together eventually, took girl by the chin and turned her to face him, so she had to look into his eyes.
Lad looked at her full yummy lips, but knew that if he kissed the girl, he wouldn't be able to capable of handling with the consequences. Nevertheless, he allowed his lips to glide over her cheek.

She wanted to hide her eyes, but he still held her by chin, so she couldn't hide her rosy cheeks.
"Do you trust me?" Jason murmured and felt his own cheeks warming up.
"Yes,"

And when gal whispered that in response, looking deep in the boy's eyes, he understood that he still has hope to be saved.

***

Caroline, the next day

He gave me one of these looks, which I could understand only like: "Girl, I wanna she what you got there. On you,"
My god.
"It seems someone's turned on,"
"What?" I half-yelled, shocked.

Cassie giggled. "Look at him. It looks like he's gonna rape you as soon as we get on the ship,"
And instead of talking about Jason, with who I had some small eye-rape, she was talking about Jake.
My god, once again. This guy had really .. murderous glare. "WTF, Cassie? How can you talk about raping me as it's nothing?"
She laughed again. "Don't worry, we won't let that happen to you. Unless you want it..."

"No one knows,"
"So it's a question,"
"I don't know what I'm feeling towards him. Some kind of sympathy. Maybe,"
"And the other one?" She gave Jason a look and then quickly looked back. "Who are glaring at us, you like crazy?"

"About 5 minutes already," I added matter-of-factly. I still hadn't told anyone about what had happened the previous night.
"Hmm .. interesting. So you have like two crushes who both are staring at you hungrily,"
"Maybe they're staring at you," I suggested.
She gave me a yeah-sure-look.

"Okay, okay,"
"So..."
"I wanted to say that I love one and the other is a crush,"
"Doesn't matter. If you love him, he's still a crush. Though..."

"..you doubt if I love him,"
"Not that, but .. you know. It's strange,"
"Or just one-sided love,"
"You are the most lovable person I know, or however they call it. I don't understand how you can be so drawn to him, when he's being such a fool,"

"It's just my love story. Besides, we don't know whether..."
"..he loves you back. Yeah right,"
"Only that..." I let the words hang in the air.
Cassie almost grabbed my arm. "What?"
"Well, yesterday..."

"Yes, exactly, yesterday. One moment you were chilling with us, next we sent you to Jake and then you were all gone. Three of you. Threes..?"
"Oh god, Cas. I won't do anything like that," I didn't mention to her that I actually had for a moment, just for a moment thought of that. Hey, we all have these kind of thoughts, now don't we?
"So?" she asked enthusiastically, putting her hand on my arm and slowly dragging me towards our group.
"Yesterday .. mm,"

***

Caro, the evening before

What is happening? It's like someone has heard all of my prays and dreams, and fulfilled them.
Jason had suddenly given up - not in that meaning, okay - and we were walking on the deck. It wasn't exactly a romantic walk, but .. yes, okay, I admit: it was romantic. At least for me.

The night was starry and we just .. talked. It was like he'd suddenly forgotten that someone may see us or whatever, and just did what he really wanted to, not caring about others' opinion.

We talked and I was happy again. I was hoping for never being disappointed in him. In him I didn't.
Jason stopped abruptly and I guess I heard him growling. Slightly. I turned my eyes there and...

"Oh," I couldn't help but say, but silently enough - or he just didn't notice -, for Jason to detect.
On the other side of the deck I could see Jake and someone from the parallel class. Making out a bit. I mean, when the girl is pushed on the railing and the guy is really close, kissing her neck and stuff, then you call it making out, right?

That was how I thought of it later. At that very moment I couldn't help it, even with the love of my whole life standing by my side - everything I could ever dream of, right? -, but seeing these two there .. coldness went through my heart. Very cold. As ice. And I knew, even if I loved Jason with my whole existence, the truth was that Jake meant something to me, too.

But I mustn't have concentrated on it. I couldn't have shown anyone it meant something to me. Fewer I wanted for Jake to notice that.
So I just nerved myself, looked at Jason and said: "Let's continue our walk?"
For a second I thought I saw a weird shadow on his face, but when he looked at me and smiled, I realized I could have been mistaken. "But of course,"

***

Caroline, back to the next day

"We finished with stargazing," I said dreamily and my eyes became misty as I remembered it. "You know, they have these things like benches on the decks? They had plaids on them, so it was so wonderful to lay there and stargaze..."
Cassie smiled. "The way you speak, it makes me feel like you're already together and it's kinda sorta honeymoon,"

I snorted. "Oh my, Cas. I told you,"
"And I find it kinda bullshit, ya know. But you know. I understand that you do love him. It's just so strange,"
"I know. However, sometimes we do crazy things for love, now don't we?"

(photos)