21.04.13

ÄKAM #26: Ma olen vist aru kaotanud


Ma olin lootnud ärgata Cameroni embuses. Pilgutasin silmi, et uni maha raputada, kuid sulgesin need paari sekundi pärast taas. Mul oli külm. Soojendasid vaid aknast sissetungivad päikesekiired, kuid neist ei piisanud.

Voodi oli kahtlaselt külm. Nagu poleks neis voodis ühtegi keha olnud - mis siis kahest rääkidagi? Silmi avamata tajusin ma, et mu kõrval polnud kedagi. Ja see külmus pidi tähendama, et see oli nii olnud pikemat aega.
Ma ei tahtnud rohkem silmi avada. Ma ei tahtnud loobuda suurepärasest öisest idüllist ja vaadata vastu reaalsele hommikule, mis nüüd tulnud oli. Kuid see ei olnud väljapääs.

Avasin vastumeelselt silmad. Vaatamata talve keskpaigale paistis akna taga päike ning see isegi soojendas. Mõtlesin, kas oli see tingitud sellest, et mu sees nii kahtlaselt külm oli.
Toetasin jalad põrandale ja sikutasin öösärgi madalamale - nagu alati oli see magades tõusnud rinnuni.

Toas ringi vaadates tundus, nagu Cammyt poleks kunagi seal olnudki. Isegi voodisse polnud ta lõhna jäänud. Tundus, nagu tema kohalolu oleks mulle vaid tundunud. Mis oli loomulikult täiesti võimatu.
"Cam?" hüüdsin korteri kaugustesse ning kuulatasin. Korteri haudvaikus tõstatas karvakesed kogu kehal.

Kortsutasin meeleheitlikult kulmu ning tegin korterile ringi peale. Cameronist polnud tõepoolest märkugi. See ei olnud üldsegi temalik, sedasi hoiatamata lahkuda. Tundsin pistet südames, kui mulle tuli meelde, kuidas olin kord alguses ise sedasi lahkunud. Üleüldse mõeldes kogu oma mõttetule mängule, et vaid kellelegi kätte maksta, tundus väga debiilne. Ma tundsin end selle pärast nii halvasti, eriti arvestades asjaolu, et olin nüüd Cameroniga koos. Ja ta oli nii perfektne, et ta ei väärinud sellist käitumist. Mina ei väärinud teda, kuna et nii käitunud olin. Jah, kõik teevad vigu ja need vead võivad olla suuremad või väiksemad, kuid vahel .. vahel sa lihtsalt ei tohiks inimesele andeks anda.

Aga me oleme nõrgad. Inimesed on nõrgad. Ning lõpuks me muidugi anname üksteisele andeks. Vahel see töötab, vahel saame veel rohkem haiget. Ja kõige hullem on see, kui me andestades juba tema,et saame.

Ahastusega mõtlesin, mis Cammyga juhtuda võis. Pidin kindlasti teada saama, kus ta on, eriti aga, kas ta ka korras on.
Leidsin köögikapi pealt oma telefoni ja avasin kontaktlisti.

"Mida..?" laususin vihaselt, suutmata leida Cami number. See oli millegipärast kadunud. "Mis mõttes lihtsalt?"
Ma poleks elu sees seda kustutanud ning keegi poleks saanud seda tehagi, kuna keegi ei teadnud mu parooli. Midagi oli ikka väga valesti.

Kuid, nagu tavaline oli, teadsin Cammy numbrit peast. Te võisite mind keset ööd äratada ja ma oleks selle kohe vaieldamatult teile ette kandnud.
Telefon tõmbas paar minutit ning siis võeti toru vastu.
"Cameron!" kilkasin ma rõõmsalt telefoni, kuid olin tervitatud tuima: "Telefon, millele te helistate, on välja lülitatud või asub teeninduspiirkonnast väljaspool,"

"Mida perset, ausalt," porisesin ma ja panin kõne ära. "Käi persse oma teeninduspiirkonnaga,"
Otsustasin, et tuleb end korda teha. Peale kõhtutäitvat hommikusööki ja head tassi teed katsetasin helistamist veel vähemalt kümme korda. Mitmel korral see õnnestus? Logaritm negatiivsest arvust - kätte ma Cameroni ei saanud.

Üle jäi veel tema töökoht, kuid seegi valmistas mulle üllatust. Nad proovisid mulle väita, et Cameroni seal pole. Nii et ma võtsin kätte ja läksin sinna kohale.

*

"Cameron? Cameron Shonery?" Mees mõõtis mind pilguga ja kratsis mõtlikult kukalt.
Noogutasin innukalt pead. "Jah, just tema. Cameron Shonery," kinnitasin ma, oodates hinge kinni pidades vastust.
"Aga ta ju müüs selle koha juba kaks aastat tagasi maha,"

Vaatasin talle imestunud otsa. "Kaks aastat? Aga härra, siin peab olema mingi eksitus. Ma ju alles üleeile .. ta ju..," Silme eest läks uduseks. Midagi ei klappinud ikka väga.
"Ei-ei, preili. Ma olen kaks aastat selle koha omanik,"
Vaatasin talle endiselt arusaamatult otsa, kuid ta ei bluffinud. Surusin näole naeratuse. "Aitäh. Head aega,"

Pöörasin mehele selja ja hakkasin minema kõndima. Tundus, et telefonis oldi mulle siiski tõtt räägitud. Kuid miski ei läinud kokku.
Kas ma olen hulluks läinud? Kuidas on võimalik, et Cammyt pole kuskil? Miks on olukord selline, nagu teda poleks kunagi olemas olnudki?!

*

Rüüpasin lonksu Chai'd. Kohtumiseni Saleishaga oli veel viis minutit.
Kelluke ukse kohal helises ja ma tõstsin hajameelselt pead, nähes seal oma kallist sõbrannat. Jõudes kohani, kus ma istun, kallutas ta end ja kallistas mind. Sal võttis istet ja vaatas mind murelikult.

"Kallike, mis juhtus? Su hääl torus .. nagu..," Ta raputas pead ja piidles mind ärevalt.
Asetasin tassi lauale ja põimisin sõrmed üksteisega. Vaatasin neiule tõsiselt otsa. "Mis juhtus Cammyga?"
Saleisha murelikule ilmele lisandus kulmukortsutus. "Cammy?"

Noogutasin pead.
Ta köhatas. "Millest äkki selline küsimus? Ja miks Cammy?"
"Mis selles nii valet on?" Vaatasin talle arusaamatult otsa.
"Cammy .. Sa mõtled Cameroni? Cameron Shoneryt?"

"Jah," venitasin ma ning kortsutasin ka kulmu. Mis kõigil viga on täna?
"Aga sa ju .. vihkad teda,"
"Sal .. sa ju tead, et ma armastan teda,"
"Misasja?" Tüdruku kulmud tõusid soenguni. "Kust see tuli nüüd?"

"Saleisha. Miks sa .. sa ise oled ju nii väga meie pooldaja?"
"Teie pooldaja?"
"Daah. Sa oled mulle kogu aeg rääkinud, kui hästi me kokku sobime, ja nüüd sa äkki imestad. Ma ei saa midagi aru,"
Tüdruk hingas sügavalt sisse. "'Kui hästi me kokku sobime'? Oled sa ikka terve, Roxy? Kas sa .. ma ei tea, oled mälu kaotanud vahepeal või midagi?"

"Pigem midagi,"
"Sa oled tõepoolest ära unustanud, kuidas ta sinuga käitus?"
"Saleisha," Katkestasin intensiivse silmsideme ja võtsin oma tuikava pea käte vahele. Midagi on väga valesti. Midagi on .. väga korrast ära. "Ma ei saa enam midagi aru. Ma ei tea, mis mul viga on. Kas sa võiksid palun mu mälu värskendada?"

Saleisha tõusis kiiresti püsti ja istus minu kõrvale, võttes mult tugevasti ümber kinni. "Oled sa korras, Rox? Mis juhtus?"
Raputasin aeglaselt arusaamatult pead. "Tahaks ma ise ka teada,"

***

Cameron

Tavaline hommikurutiin nagu iga päevgi. Hammastepesu, dušš, hommikusöök kohviga .. kuid seekord oli midagi teisiti. Tundus, nagu midagi oleks valesti. Nagu miski oleks puudu. Ainult et mul polnud õrna aimugi, mida.


09.04.13

SL #53: Järve ääres

Peale sööki me jõudsime natuke mängida võrkpalli, kuna polnud veel pimedaks läinud. Aga hämariku saabudes olime kõik gruppideks jagunenud: osad jõid endiselt verandal, osa istus rannatoolidel, osa tegeles millegagi sees ja osa, kus ka mina ja Jason olime, istus lõkke ääres.

Oli hea olla vabas õhkkonnas, ilma igasuguste kooli- ja muude muredeta, ning lihtsalt nautida elu.
Lõkke praksumine ja selle soojus rahustas mind alati maha ning mu suureks üllatuseks oli Jason istunud samale pingile, mis minagi.
Ta oli Apollo Bays .. teistsugune. Ma ei teadnud, mis juhtunud oli, aga see, kuidas meie suhtlemine oli muutunud .. kuidas me olime muutunud nii lähedaseks.

Lõkke ääres oli pisike, umbes 10 inimesest koosnev seltskond. Kuna asjasse oli segatud veidi alkoholi, oli juba päris hilja ning kõik olid vabaks lasknud, otsustasime rääkida, mida üksteisest arvame. See ei läinud siiski väga isiklikuks, nii et oli meeldiv kuulda, et inimesed suhtuvad sinusse üldjuhul sõbralikult.

Sirutasin end lõkke poole ja kohendasin paari halgu.Mu käed olid otse lõkkes, kuid imelikul kombel ma ei talunud selle kuumust.
Küll aga ehmatas mind Jason oma hoolivuse ja sõnadega.
"Kuum ei ole?" Jasoni hääl kõditas mu kaela, tuletades taaskord meelde tema lähedust.

Lõkkekuumus pole mingi kuumus, kui midagi sellist juhtub?
Vaatasin üle õla talle otsa ja naeratasin. "Ma millegipärast ei taju seda,"
Sirutasin selja taas sirgeks ning avastasin äkki, et me Jasoniga istusime täiesti külg külje kõrval: meie puusad puutusid isegi kokku.

Wow. Vot nüüd see on tõepoolest väga .. huvitav. Aitäh.
Ning mingi hetk me lihtsalt eraldusime kuidagi sellest seltskonnast. Me jäime füüsiliselt paigale, kuid olime alustanud kahe inimese vestlust ning keegi ei proovinudki selles osaleda, nii et meil oli seal väike privaatne mullike.

"Lõke hakkab kustuma," kuulsin mõne aja pärast Joshi häält kuskilt kaugusest.
Ning et ma polnud nii ammu lõket teinud ega puid tassinud, tekkis mul kohutav tahtmine seda teha.
Tõusin püsti ja teavitasin, et toon need puud kohale.

Muidugi mina romantikuna lootsin, et ta tuleb mulle sinna kuuri järele. See oleks olnud .. huvitav. Kuid ta oli ilmselgelt liiga Jason ega teinud seda.
Võtsin sületäie puid ja kõndisin välja.

Lõkkeseltskond oli väiksemaks jäänud - inimesi oli vaid viie jagu. Ma olin juba maha istumas, kui avastasin, et minu jaoks muutub seal palavaks. Jah, Jason oli endiselt seal ja ma oleks olnud nii õnnelik veeta temaga aega, kuid ma pidin ka distantsi hoidma, kas pole? Sest me polnud siiski koos või midagi.

Olin eelnevalt teinud veidi uurimist Alasia maja juures ning teadsin, et ta maja asus suurepärase järve kaldal. Vähe sellest, et tal oli meri vaid kilomeetri kaugusel, siis veel ka see järv otse maja juures .. puha paradiis. Juurdeehitatud kai peal oli kindlasti mõnus istuda ka muul ajal ööpäevast, kuid öösel oli see eriti maagiline. Päike oli juba loojunud ning vaatepilt seetõttu oivaline. Ma lasin end veel rohkem vabaks, keskendusin hingamisele ja...


"Tohib liituda?" küsis keegi, kelle ma küll väga kiiresti ära tundsin.
Ja kuidas olekski võimalik, et ma seda ei teeks? "Jah, muidugi," Kui armas.
"Miks sa siin üksi oled?" küsis ta ja võttis mu kõrval istet.
Tahtmatult märkasin, kui lähedal ta mulle oli. Meid lahutasid kõigest mõned sentimeetrid. Põhimõtted, mu armsaim? sähvatas korraks läbi mu pea, kuid mulle tuli meelde, kuivõrd see kõik muutunud oli. "Sa ju tead, mulle meeldib üksindus,"

Ning tol hetkel mõistsin ma, kuivõrd me mõlemad selle ajaga - nende 2,5 aastaga - muutunud olime. Kuigi tegelikult tundus, justkui oleks möödunud palju rohkem aastaid.
Ning kuidas kõik muutunud oli!
Algas tühisest meeldivusest ja nüüd .. ohjah, ma taaskord unustasin, et ta pole päriselt minu oma.

Igatahes, jah. Nüüd tagantjärele mõeldes -  kui tühised ja mõttetud olid need meie vestlused alguses. Ma olin nii häbelik... Millal see kõik küll muutuda jõudis?
"Üksindus on nagu dieet - lühiajaliselt kasulik, kestma jäädes eluohtlik,"
Olin juba valmis vastama, kuid siis mulle tuli meelde, et olin seda lauset kunagi msnis kasutanud. Veel natuke ja ma oleksin suud imestusest maigutama hakanud.

"Ma näen, et sa oled üllatunud,"
"Eem .. jah. See oli mul msnis mingi aasta tagasi! Kuidas sa .. Oih, tobe mina. Sa raudselt ei võtnud seda sealt .. Ma..." Loll, loll, loll!
"Tegelikult .. on see sealt küll,"
Mii-da? "Sa ajad mind vaid rohkem segadusse,"

"Sorry. Msni pealkirjad, tead küll,"
"Um .. nii, jah. Miks sa selle meelde jätsid?"
"Ma jätan meelde asjad, mis minu kohta käivad. Ärge arvake, et te, tüdrukud, olete ainukesed, kes kõiksugu asju meelde jätavad. Ja noh .. tundus, et su alakad on megatihti minu kohta,"
"Sa loed neid?" Wow. Üks suur WOW.

"Suht pidevalt. Need on .. huvitavad..," Ta vaatas mulle otsa ja kui ma endiselt üllatunult teda vaatasin, jätkas ta: "Okei, see oli piinlik nüüd."
"Eh .. ma arvan, et kui kellelgi peakski piinlik olema, siis minul, sest see on tõsi. Et need sinu kohta käivad, st. Aga...."

"Aga mis?"
"Nii et sa siiski märkasid. Ja sind veel huvitab ka?"
"Mis selles nii uskumatut on?"
"Lihtsalt sa .. ei näita oma hoolimist nii palju. Ei reageeri nagu nendele või nii,"

"See, et ma ei reageeri, ei tähenda, et ma ei hooliks,"
"Nii et sa hoolid," pomisesin ma pigem iseendale. Naeratasin vargsi. "Kuid miks sa siis ei reageeri?"
"Alati ei pea reageerima,"
"Sinu arust," sõnad lipsasid mu suust kiiremini välja, kui jõudsin taibata, et ütlen oma mõtte valjusti välja. Oih.

"Oh, Caro, palun ärme alusta algusest," Jason vaatas mulle reaalselt anuva pilguga otsa.
Kuidas ma jumaldan tema silmi... "Okei, sorry, jälle mina ja minu .. mõtlemine. Ülemõtlemine, ma tahtsin öelda. Okei, räägime hoopis .. näiteks, miks sa siia tulid?"

"Kui see sind nii väga häirib, võin ma ju ära ka minna," Ta teeskles püstitõusmist.
"Ei!" karjatasin ma ning see kajas vastu, kuna järve ääres oli palju vaiksem, kui Britti juures. Taaskord, enne kui jõudsin mõelda, haarasin ta käest, et ta taas mu kõrval istuks. "Jää minuga," sosistasin.

"Ära muretse, mul polnud plaaniski ära minna,"
Eemaldasin kiiresti oma käe, kui ta maha istus. Isegi mitte selle tõttu, et tundus, nagu oleksin avatud elektrijuhtmest haaranud, vaid pigem selleks, et talle see vastumeelne ei oleks. Muidugi ta on ka kaugemale, läinud, aga...
Ära vihasta oma "armsamat".
"Nii et siis, miks ma siin olen," sõnas ta just siis, kui kavatsesin seda taas küsida.

Kui sa oled Edward Cullen, siis see ei meeldi mulle. Kui sa aga tõesti mäletasid seekord, et ma küsisin midagi, siis see toob sulle plusspunkti.

"Ütleme nii, et ma väsisin sellest lällavast rahvast ära. Isegi Jack on täis. Kui sa ära läksid, läks väga läbuks ära. Sa tundud olevat ainuke, kes..."

Kergitasin oma siidripurki, tõestades, et ma siiski olin joonud. "Aga ära arva, et ma täis olen. Mulle ei hakka alkohol nii kergesti pähe. Mitte et mulle meeldiks täis olla.

"Miks sa siis seda teed?"
Jälle see küsimus. "Maitse on hea..." Nii, et sa jälle seda küsin, teen mina uue katse. "Proovida tahad?"
Mõte sellest, et ta puudutaks huultega sedasama purki, kust ise joonud olin ja peale teda joon, tekitas uusi värinaid. Mõtlesin, kas see ületaks selle, kui ta huuled mu põske puudutasid...

* See polnud see Micha idee, kui Jason tema lehest koopia tegi, pean ma ilmtingimata Micha lehe saama, sest tema on seda puudutanud, või peaaegu sama Chantali ideoloogia, kui me esperantos niisama lollitasime, ja poistel markerit vaja läks.
"See on nüüd tema lõhnaga läbi immutatud," oli Chan öelnud, kui markeri tagasi sain. *

Ei, seekord on asi .. intiimsem. Mis sest, et ka see kõlas kahtlaselt. Ohjah, liiga kahtlaselt.
"No sa võid ju anda," vastas Jason minu suureks üllatuseks.
Ulatasin talle oma purgi, kust ta suure (!) lonksu võttis.
"Pole tal viga midagi," kostis ta seejärel, kui oli joogi oma kurgust alla kulistanud.

"Mida sa veel proovinud oled?" küsisin niipea, kui ta mulle purgi tagasi ulatas, ja proovisin taaskord ignoreerida värinaid, mida tekitasid tema sõrmed, kui puutusid joogi tagasiandmisel minu omade vastu. Ma parem ei hakka mõtlemagi, kas see oli kogemata või mitte. Nagunii keegi ei tea.
"Viina on kodus pakutud, kuid see on liiga rõveda maitsega,"

"Yeah, täpselt. Hakkab kergesti pähe ka."
"Oled sa kunagi purjus olnud?" küsis ta siis.

"Mkm," raputasin pead. "Ma ei näe selles mõtet. Jood end täis, laamendad ringi ja ärkad hommikul mälukaga. Tänan väga, piisavalt selliseid klassikaaslasi nähtud."
"Sama,"
"Jah. Oota korra..." Mulle tuli midagi meelde ja tema sõnad .. need olid liiga vastumeelsed sellele, mida ta teinud oli. "Sa pole kunagi täis olnud?"

"Ei, muidugi mitte. Caro, sa ju tead minu alkoholitarbimisprintsiipe,"
"Kas sa mäletad Joshi teist pidu?"
Ta kulmud koondusid ninajuurel, kui ta seda meenutas. "Mis sellega?"
Hingasin pahinal välja. "Sa ütlesid, et pole kunagi täis olnud, aga .. sa .. me .. magasime ühes voodis,"

Vaatasin talle kogu aja otsa, kuid kui need sõnad üle mu huulte libisesid, pöörasin pilgu kiiresti enda ette järvele. Samuti võtsin suure lonksu siidrist, et ei peaks praegu kohe midagi vastama.
Ta ohkas. "Caroline, ma ei taha, et sa seda teemat jälle tõstaksid... Ma ju palusin,"
"Ma tean, Jason, ma lihtsalt..."

Ja see moment oli nii ideaalne .. see päikeseloojang, see järv, tema mu kõrval .. tema huuled nii lähedal...
Ma teadsin, et ta ei tee seda. Ja kui hästi järele mõelda, siis ma eelistanukski seda, mida ta järgmisena tegi.
Seletus, yayyayyay.
"Ma arvasin, et sa unustasid või midagi .. aga ma eksin sellega kogu aeg. Sina ei unusta midagi,"
Ta naeratas mulle armsalt ja ka minagi olin sunnitud naeratama.

"Ma .. tol korral ma .. ma ei olnud purjus, jah. Ma lihtsalt .. see, kui me kogu öö üleval veetsime, et lihtsalt rääkida .. ja siis sa vajud nelja paiku ära .. ma tahtsin .. ma ei tea, seda on raske seletada. Võib-olla tuleks alustada sellest, et ma ei tahtnud, et sa diivanil magaksid. Nii et ma lihtsalt võtsin su sülle ja viisin üles voodisse .. ja ma olin juba valmis lahkuma, tegelikult ka .. Aga siis sattus mu pilk sinu täiesti rahulik, ingellik olek-" Ta nimetas mind ingellikuks?! Whoa. "Ma pole kunagi niimoodi tundnud, aga tol hetkel .. ma tundsin vajadust sind kaitsta. Ma ei tahtnud sind sinna üksi jätta, isegi kui polnud mingit ohtu .. mm," Ta piidles mind. "Kas see tundub liiga friigilik?"

Olin teda nii kuulama jäänud, et ei jõudnud isegi kohe reageerida.
"Ei, üldsegi mitte," Mu sõnad olid vaid sosin. "Jätka,"
Ta muigas, pööras pea järve poole ja täitis mu soovi: "Ja kui ma seal su kõrvale heitsin, siis sa pöörasid end automaatselt ümber ja panid käed ümber minu .. ning ma noh, ei tahtnud su und segada ja lõpptulemusena vajusin ise ka ära,"

(fotod: esimesed kolm pilti)

04.04.13

Shadows from the Past: Prologue

I once said I'm never going back. I said I'll never make the same mistake twice. Not that I'd be a part of mafia nor be with him again.
I thought people like him doesn't change. But that's wrong. All the people change. And truly it was only his surface. Inside he was a fragile and emotional human, who had to be someone else in case to survive.
Mafia again .. it was dangerous, okay?! Killings and hunting and dangerous tribulations .. but he taught me the inside of it. And in the beginning I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. He'd never make me do something I didn't want to. But it came out I was meant for it. That mafia was my love of life. Neither of the guys. Mafia instead. I was cut out for it.
And you know what they say? The second time it's not a mistake anymore. The second time it's a choice.

***


"You've had enough practice for today," Jake said and wanted to take away the revolver.
I hid my hand behind my back, with the other pushed the ear muffs lower. "But I want more!"
"You've run out of cartridges,"
"Give me more, I know there's more," I demanded.

He sighed. "Caroline..."
I pouted but held out my hand.
"Well, if you really want to, there's something we can do," he muttered thoughtfully, taking out the cartridge case.

"Yeah?!" I can bet my eyes were on fire.
Jake put the revolver I was shooting with into the gun case, which was on his belt, and took out the other. It looked like from western movies. He gave it to me.
I pressed it at my breast like some kind of relic.

"Well?" I asked expectantly.
"Put it against your head,"
"Wh.. what?"
"Do what I told you, Caro," Jake said sharply through gritted teeth.

I did as he ordered. Instead of previous luster, shock and fear were mirroring from my eyes.
"I hope you know the rules of Russian Roulette, my girl," Jake said thoughtfully and tilted his head.

03.04.13

MNLS #52: Boys...

I tapped my foot impatiently at the ground.
Seriously. I'm taking back all the words about girls' slowness. If any guy will ever say something about girls, that they get ready for too long, I'm gonna kick him with a baseball bat. For real.

If before they were fighting about where we go to eat, now the guys took a major time till they decided what they wanna eat. I kept rearranging the bag on my shoulder as it was heavy and chafed my shoulder considering the time I had to wait. I was to go and take seats when I realized they had already ordered and were heading to the seats.
I shook my head half-angrily. Thanks for telling me.

"What can I get for you?" the waitress asked.
"Eh...," My eyes darted at the clock and I realized I had lastly eaten 6 hours ago, but thanks to the guys' indecision I've lost my appetite. I eyed the counter table. "One cheesecake, please. And lemon Nestea,"
I got my "food" and moved to the guys.

Is it some kind of conspiracy..? Like really? Why does my life resemble movies more and more with every day? Or a soap opera. Okay, whatever.
I wished guys bon appetit, leaving my belongings by the chair and landing on the only spare place, which - you can assume - was by Jason's. Totally mindblown, isn't it? I don't even try anymore and it just keeps happening.

"Tryina be different?"
"Huh?"
"Not taking full meal,"
I rolled my eyes. "I'm not hungry,"

"And Nestea?"
"What's wrong with that?"
"It's lemon. We all have peach,"
Like are you serious?! What's wrong with you? It's not even funny. "You're weird," I pointed out tho my lips were curled into a smile.

The truth is, it was fun to spend time with guys. Of course I did love my girl friends, but the thing with the girls was you mostly talk about guys and gossip about others whereas with guys .. well, you can enjoy dirty jokes or cars or computer games .. it's varied, you know.

"Cassie, sweetheart," I chirped seeing the approach of familiar figure. I stormed to hug her - the habit we had with girls - and she whispered in my ear: "You keep fulfilling your dreams,"
"I stopped trying - it just .. happens," I told her quietly before dropping on my loved seat. I grabbed a chair from the table that was next to ours. "Want something to eat?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Nah, I'll pass,"
I drew my attention back at the table and..."Seriously, guys?"
We glared at the "construction" boys had made: they had taken all the bottles and glasses and put them one on the other.
"What if it falls over?" Cassie asked and pointed her finger at the construction.
They smiled smugly. "Nothing here falls over,"

When we were done with the food .. another a couple of hours had passed. I opened my mouth to say we should start moving, but was interrupted by my phone ringing.
"Um, yea?" I faked a serious voice.
"Caro .. where the hell are you?" Alasia's voice wasn't exactly angry, but she was very .. worried, I'd even say.

"Café 153,"
"You had to be on the beach 3 hours ago, didn't you?"
"Yeah," I said seriously and gave guys a look. "But some people here are not able to decide what they want,"

You'd think guys pulled on faces like "we're so sorry"? Surely not. Their faces were blossoming in smiles - they were so pleased with themselves. I only shook my head.
"I guess we aren't coming today. It's 6 PM,"
"Eh .. I guess? I think we'll be there before you, we're starting moving now,"

"Okay, I dunno whether we do. I think we do. Has anyone else arrived by the time?"
"Yup, Cyle and Joe are there. Arrived about half an hour ago,"
"Okay. But hey, see ya then. We're starting to move,"
"Sure, bye,"

I chirped a "bye" in response and ended the call. "So. Let's start moving, huh? We need some meat, right?"
"We?" For my surprise, it was Cassie and not not any of the guys.
I tilted my head. "We'll buy a bigger packet, right?" I smiled wildly as the guys nodded. "But if you're ready, let's go,"

*

For god's sake. No. No, no, no. Please don't tell me what I think it is. Please don't tell me they are...
But it was true. Universe doesn't listen to your "no". You only have to say positive things. Otherwise it will happen. We reached the house before the beach company and I would have been very happy if .. Cyle and Joe hadn't been so stoned.

And you know what? I of course decided a long time ago for myself that won't do drugs, but, people, come to your sense and don't do that! You can't even imagine how awful it can be...

They were acting like pigs. While Joe was a bit more normal, Cyle .. Cyle was very far away. He'd burp, patted himself like some kind of animal - it would be too impolite to say monkey, but it was like that - and just .. look, I liked Cyle and Joe. They were cool people who would always entertain our class. However, I've never seen that side of them, and what I saw now shocked me.

The lads had settled up their tents and I let them put up the ping-pong table - they needed to be "entertained" after all. I by myself was planning on playing , but decided not to fight with Cyle and Joe as it was pretty pointless. Instead, I showed Cassie where to put her stuff and just walked around, looking for what I can do.

I had opened my cider and leaned on the garden table beside Jason and Ian.
"Why would they play for so long..?" Jason muttered under his nose.
"Try to tell them that," I said comfortingly.
"It's terrible," he said.

"Yeah," I simply agreed. "I don't understand why they do it while it's so gross,"
"People are just like that, you know. They think while they're young, nothing bad will happen. That they can try everything. That they have to try everything,"
I looked at the field with disgust and decided it's worth a go. A plan had formed in my head.

"Cyle?" I tried for the second time, coming closer.
He looked at me with unfocused eyes. "Caro, dear,"
I smiled at him. "You wanna give me the racket? I'd like to play, too,"
And for my big surprise it worked the second time. He handed me the thing and beckoned at the Joe to bring me another one, too.
Wow. Now that was an easy one.

I searched for Jason with my eyes from the place we were before, but only Ian was there. I furrowed my eyes and looked around.
Ah, there you are, sweetheart. "Jason?" I called out at the guy, who was exploring the garden. He looked at me and I beckoned at him with the rackets. "Wanna play?" I smiled at him invitingly, the heart bumping rapidly. Tho, for my surprise, the Universe happened to be gracious.
"Oh, super, how did you manage to get them? You've got a talent, girl,"

And you know how fun it was? To play badminton with your loved one - you laugh and spend time together and everything's so good adn ...
"Oh my god!" I squealed, getting stuck in Josh's tent strings and flying on the whole caboodle.
How beautiful blue evening sky, was a sudden thought in my head as I laid there on my back for some seconds. I was sure I hadn't broken everything, I wasn't even hurting. It was a pretty funny situation even.

"You alive there?" I heard Jason's voice from somewhere afar.
So caring. "Depends on whether you're talking about me or Josh's tent,"
His face hovered over me. Ohmygosh. "I'd more worry about you,"
I smiled at him sarcastically. Sure, of course, dear.

I blinked quizzically at his stretched out hand.
Really? He'd do that?
I held out my hand and he pulled me on my feet.
"Oh, calmly," he said and his hands tightened around my back as I grabbed my head, feeling slightly dizzy. It was from a sudden uplift.

"You 'kay?" he asked with care and I looked at him. Into his warm brown eyes and then my eyes darted at his lips, so lush and inviting, and...
"Caro?" I heard someone calling my name from distance, tho Jason was in a handre.. I mean, he literally was in my arms.

"Ah?" I asked after another wave of dizziness, which hadn't now anything to do with standing up. "Yeah, I'm okay,"
He smiled at me foxily. "You sure?"
Hmm, id I say "no", will you bring me to the bed? Rather no, you're Jason after all. "Kinda. Look! Could someone that wasn't okay do this?" I twirled around the garden.

"I guess not," he said and looked at me thoughtfully. "Wanna play more?"
I glared at the racket and had an urge to just throw it over my shoulder on the ground. But I was a polite girl.
Yeah, was.

I shook my head. "Enough. Besides, everyone else is here already. We should start grilling,"
Jason smiled at me. "Yeah, we should get something to eat,"

02.04.13

Shadows from the Past #1: A Look in the Past


Jake, 5 years ago

Damn. Damnation. Seriously. Just how dared I.
I saw her approaching the headmaster, shaking his hand, then turning around, smiling at the public - tho I'm totally sure not me - and goes to her place by Jason.
Fuck. Rotter. Scoundrel. Scumbag. That's what you are, Evans. Nothing good. You know, you won't be successful that way.

I dully watched the people, knowing I shouldn't have come. However, it was graduation. It was the end. For me, more bad than good. Whereas others are rejoicing for finishing high school, moving on to the further life: move out that shitty town, college, family, job, career... I knew exactly what I'm going to do. I didn't have much of a chance. Or, let me be more specific, not at all. I didn't complain. I liked mafia. Because hey! c'mon, okay. It was something totally different.Yeah, right, you can start telling me how bad it is, killing people and ruining others' lives. But please don't forget that people I kill are "bad", who kill you, civilians, and lives I ruin have lost too much to care. Some people can't be fixed. Deal with it.

A picture of Caroline flashed in my head. Her petite fragile body was dressed in an ivory dress with a skillfully adjusted wispy brown belt on it. On her neck there was a gold seashell necklace.
Sea. Caro. Memories.

Caro was dressed simply but sapid. "Beauties" in boufannt dresses weren't even half as beautiful as she was.
I gazed at her today wavy hear that fell on her back as a cascade. She looked good with wavy hear. She looked good with and in everything. She was perfect. But she wasn't mine anymore. Why? 'Cause I was an idiot.

*

They looked cute together. Yeah, that sounds girly. I noticed half of the girls shooting envious glances at Caro. Obviously. She had everything she needed and even more. I knew she had a bright future before her. Exactly as she had planned.
Everything will happen in an exact way she wants it. She deserves it. She's a good person. Perfect.

I leaned on the metal railing and was finishing my champagne. I saw a car rolling in the courtyard. Although it was dark I saw the number plate and got an adrenalin rage inside me.
Job. Finally.

Back door was opened and a man, who was sitting in there, waved at me. I thought how "cool" and nifty it would have been to throw my champagne glass into the pieces.
Next time.
I left it on the table, tore the tie off and whirred inside.

Just then, just at that exact moment she had to stand in my way. I looked at her. Her eyes met mines. Jason was nowhere around.
Her eyes weren't showing any emotion. Not even hate. I knew of course, Caro didn't stay mad for long. Besides, she'd said that maybe some day she'd forgive me. Nonetheless, I knew that even if she did, I wouldn't be around anymore. Not here, a part of her life.

I sent her one last look and stormed outside witout saying anything. I knew, had I opened my mouth, I wouldn't have been able to stop anymore. It wouldn't lead anywhere, though, would be pointless. I could make a fool of myself and tell her everything, but I was waited for. So, as it wouldn't have changed anything anyway, I decided to leave it the way it was. So it was better for everyone.

I knew that as soon as I broke the eye contact, there appeared what I didn't want to show her. I wanted her to know, but I knew it would only make her eyes ask questions answers to which would hurt her.

I slipped in cold evening air and inhaled. Cold air also cooled down my thoughts. I was able to think sober again. I walked calmly to the car and climbed inside.
"They redirect you," Charlie said and took out a cigarette.
I hated its smell, but he didn't know and you aren't making any reproofs to your boss, even though you're just a step behind.

"Redirect?" I echoed. I gazed in front of me. We set off.
"Melbourne. There's a bigger gang. Excuse me," Charlie stopped for a second and blew out a puff of smoke. I tried to breathe in smaller amounts of air.
"I put it wrong way. They wanna close the one here. Cops got scent of it. We gotta quit. Some will stay, of course. The club has to stay, or else it would be weird. Majority is redirected, tho,"

"It means that..?"
"You're the boss of the bigger gang now, yes,"
"Whoa," I breathed out. Not that I wouldn't be able to manage. Of course would. I now had too many emotions that needed to be got rid of. Redirected elsewhere.

"Do you agree?" Charlie looked at me waiting, but I knew he knew I would.
"Of course," I confirmed his thoughts.
I looked out the window. The building was almost out of sight. But I knew she was there. Of course she was. Partying with her girl friends and love of her life. Did what she was worth and wanted.
I didn't see her anymore, but still felt her. She was in my heart and on mind, my body still remembered hers.

"Then welcome to the new life, Jake,"
I nodded.
New life. Life without Caroline.
You know, girl, you will be forever in my system. Whether you want it or not. I was a jerk for letting you go. I could have learned and make you stay.

But now .. by, my dear. Bye, Caro. Goodbye, my Love.
Hello, mafia, new love of my life.

***

Present time


I've been searching for that for a while. Passion, lust, satisfaction. No feelings, no emotions - just sex. Like I used to do before I met her. Nothing mattered.
I lost her because of my own stupidity and arrogance, and now I had to pay. There was no way back.

"Hey, pretty boy,"
I looked up at the blonde cake-faced girl in front of me. She couldn't have been more than 18, even with her make-up.
"Looking for something?" Her one hand was holding the pole while the other slowly moved along her body - starting from her breasts and moving lower.

She may have been gracious even had she not been a prostitute, a thought crept into my mind. I eyed her and felt lust in my lower part. Nothing else, nowhere else.
Without her make-up and clothes she could have been a beautiful young lady. But life knows no mercy. She was pushed to the limits and that's what she's chosen.

I did not come here to feel sorry and find depth in every slut. Not that depth anyway. My darker side had suddenly cropped up. I needed to find release.
I reached out and pulled her on my lap.

"Oh, yes, I'm looking for something," I whispered huskily in her ear. She jerked at my unexpected change of mood, but then let loose again.
She was used to it. She was used to everything.

I moved my hands along her sides, down her legs and up inner tights. She inhaled deeply as my fingers were at teasing distance from her intimate zone.
"Maybe we get a room?" She asked hoarsely, obviously turned on.
"No," I said firmly.

I looked over her bared shoulder at the barman and snapped my fingers.
"Clear the place," I mouthed.
The guy nodded and turned off the music. The hookers knew what it meant, so they grabbed their customers and disappeared into the rooms. The place was ready.

The girl smiled at me. In her eyes I could read her thought of being special as I ordered to get rid of everyone from the room so I could fuck her.
She wasn't. I just needed something different.

She approached in what was by her means "sexy walk" and put her hands around my neck, running them on my shoulders.
I grabbed her so tightly she squealed and pushed on the counter.
She sat there eagerly, spread her legs and leaned on her hands, waiting for me. I came closer, grabbing her firmly by waist and bit her neck hardly.

She stilled at the suddenness of moment but didn't scream from pain. As I said, she was used to it. I moved my hands towards her intimates and saw in her eyes her assurance that she is the one who will be pleased.
Wrong guy, bitch.

In a sudden moment I pulled her from the counter, pushing roughly against its side.
"We're doing it my way, baby," I whispered in her ear, holding her in place with one hand and unzipping my pants with other.

01.04.13

Varjud minevikust: Proloog

Ma kunagi ütlesin, et ma ei lähe enam kunagi tagasi. Ma ütlesin, et ma ei korda kunagi sama viga. Ei seda, et ma taas seon end maffiaga, ega seda, et ma olen taas temaga.
Ma arvasin, et temataolised inimesed ei muutu. Kuid see on vale. Kõik inimesed muutuvad. Ja tegelikult oli see vaid tema pealispind. Sees oli ta õrn ja tundeline inimene, kes pidi ellujäämiseks olema keegi teine.
Maffia aga .. see on ohtlik, eks?! Tapmised ja jahtimised ja ohtlikud katsumused .. kuid ta õpetas mulle selle sisemust. Ning alguses ma ei pidanud tegema midagi, mida ma ei tahtnud. Ta poleks mind kunagi sundinud tegema midagi, mida ma ei tahtnud. Kuid tuli välja, et ma olin selleks mõeldud. Et maffia oli mu eluarmastus. Mitte kumbki neist kuttidest. Vaid hoopis maffia. Ma olin selle jaoks loodud.
Ja teate, mida nad ütlevad? Teine kord pole see enam viga. Teine kord on see valik.

***


"Sa oled piisavalt harjutanud tänaseks," lausus Jake ja tahtis revolvrit mu käest ära võtta.
Peitsin käe selja taha, teisega lükkasin kõrvaklapid allapoole. "Aga ma tahan veel!"
"Padrunid on otsas,"
"Pane siis juurde, teil on ju neid," nõudsin ma.

Ta ohkas. "Caroline..."
Prunditasin tusaselt huuli, kuid sirutasin käe tema poole.
"Kui sa nii väga tahad, siis on midagi, mida me saame teha," pomises ta mõtlikult, võttes padrunikesta välja.

"Jah?!" Võin kihla vedada, et mu silmad põlesid.
Jake pistis revolvri, millega ma ennist tulistasin, kabuuri, mis tal vööl rippus, ja võttis teise välja. Sellel oli minu jaoks westernlik ilme. Ta ulatas selle mulle.
Surusin selle vastu rinda nagu ei-tea-mis reliikviat.

"Noh?" küsisin ootusärevalt.
"Pane see oma pea juurde,"
"Mi.. mida?"
"Tee, nagu ma käsin, Caro," sõnas Jake teravalt läbi hammaste.

Tegin nagu kästud ning teadsin, et endise sära asemel peegeldub mu silmist šokk ja hirm.
"Ma loodan, et sa oled vene ruletiga tuttav, mu tüdruk," lausus Jake mõtlikult ja kallutas pead.