28.12.12

SL #45: Sa oled ingel, Caro

Raputasin pead, kui Jason taaskord keeldus rääkimast, mis tegelikult juhtus. Isegi siis, kui olime jäetud üksi, sest ma pidin parandama Jasoni väljanägemist.
Jälgisin naeru tagasi hoides, kuidas noormehe silmad muutusid suureks, nähes mu kätes olevaid meigiasju.
"Mida sa kavatsed teha nendega Caro?"
Vaatasin talle ilmselge pilguga otsa.

"Oo, ei, ei, ei. Sa ei tee seda. Sa ei tee seda, kuuled? Sa ei saa mulle seda teha,"
Kergitasin kulmu ning panin ühe käe puusa. "Jah, ma tunnistan: see on kahtlane, sinu puhul vähemalt. Aga midagi pole teha, mu kallis. Sa ei saa sedasi esinema minna. Kujuta ette, et sa oled üks kuulsatest inimestest,"
Me mõlemad ignoreerisime sõnu "mu kallis".

"Ma ei taha meiki!" sõnas Jason jonnakalt ja prunditas huuli.
Ma ei kavatsenudki naeru tagasi hoida tema üliarmsa näoilme peale ning lähenesin talle.
"Ei, palun, Caro, ükskõik mida, aga mitte seda,"
"Oh, jumal küll. Sa oled hullem kui väike laps," laususin ma ja kükitasin ta ette. "Ega ma sind drag queeniks tegema hakka."

"Mis asjaks?" küsis ta, tema näol segadus.
Raputasin vaid pead, pomisedes vaikselt nina alal: "Poisid," Võtsin kätte peitekreemi ja jälgisin muigega Jasoni taas hirmunud näoilmet. "Hei, kuule, see on kõigest peitekreem. See varjab su sinika ja lõhkise huule,"

Ta ei paistnud olevat eriti veendunud ning ta silmad olid endiselt suured, kui ta kartlikult mu tegevust silmitses. Pigistasin mõned tilgad ta sinika ümber ning ettevaatlikult, et talle mitte haiget teha, tupsutasin sõrmedega ta nahka. Tema silmad ei lahkunud minu omadelt ning ma tahtmatult mõtlesin "Viimase õhutaltsutaja" seriaali peale, kus Katara hakkas Zukole seda hingevett (või kuidas iganes nad seda nimetasid) silmale määrama - btw, nutame veel kord, et nad lõpus koos ei olnud. See oli saatuse iroonia, sest ma pmst "ravisin" Jasoni silmaümbrust ja see oli ka vasak silm.

"Ega sul valus ei ole?" küsisin sosinal, vajutades veidi tugevamalt - vaid veidi -, et kreem paremini imenduks.
Märkasin, kuidas poiss tahtis pead raputada, kuid talle tuli nähtavasti meelde, et ma parajasti "parandan" ta nägu ning ta vastas vaid lühidalt: "Jah,"

Sain peitekreemi määrimisega ühele poole, tõusin püsti ja silmitsesin ta silma.
"Nii, kui sulle veel puudrit peale panna, siis seda ei jää üldse näha. Huulega on küll raskem lugu .. ma arvan, et ma pean ka jumestuskreemi panema. Oled sa haava puhastanud?" küsisin siis karmilt.
Poisi näole ilmus irve, kuid ta raputas pead.

Kergitasin kulmu. "Ma ei leia siin mitte midagi naljakat, härra Lockwood,"
"Sina," ütles ta ja hakkas siis naerma.
Kergitasin mõlemad kulmud. "Mis asja?"
"Kui sa selline karm proovid olla. Siis sa oled naljakas," ütles ta ja köhis, proovides naeru kontrolli all hoida.

Raputasin pead, suutmata nüüd samuti irvet tagasi hoida. "Sa saad peksa ja sa veel naerad ka,"
"Ma ei saanud peksa," tema toon kõlas solvunult, aga ma sain aru, et ta vaid teeskleb.
"Olgu, olgu, superkangelane. Jätkame su meigiga nüüd,"
"Gaash, miks,"

"Sa kannatasid edukalt ära esimese poole. Ära nüüd vedelaks löö,"
"Sul on kerge öelda,"
"Ei, ei ole. Sest ma usun, et sa ei ole arg,"
"Ei ole," nõustus ta.

"Meik ei ole nüüd kõige hullem, ole nüüd,"
"Caro! Me esineme poole tunni pärast. Oh..." Cassie hääl oli alguses paaniline, kuid siis kuidagi kohmetunud.
Vaatasin üle õla, tõusmata püsti. "Hei, Cas,"

"Te veedate huvitavalt aega," ütles tüdruk asjalikult.
"Jajah, kui sa seda huvitavaks nimetad," lausus Jason vaikselt, kuid Cassie kuulis seda ometi.
"Julge, Jason, julge," ütles ta ning naeratas laialt. "Võin kihla vedada, et osa kutte oleks aktiivselt vastu puigelnud või üldse ära jooksnud,"

"See kõlab, nagu ma oleks arg, mitte julge,"
"Ei, ei. See on nagu see, et sa julged kanda meiki, kui sind sunnib selleks arm.. tähendab, keegi, kes su vastu sümpaatiat tunneb,"
Tegin hapu näo Cassiele suunas.

Tüdruk kergitas justkui ülesandmiseks käed ning ütles: "Ma ei sega teid rohkem," Ning siis lipsas ta läbi ukse tagasi üles.
Naeratasin Jasonile aralt, kui ümber pöörasin, ning proovisin hobusesabast lahti olevate juustega nägu varjata. "Sorry, nad on alati nii .. otsekohesed,"

Ta naeratas mulle vastu. "Ma arvan, et ma olen harjunud sellega. Mis sa nüüd tegema hakkad?" viis ta siis teema üle. Nähtavasti selleks, et mind mitte veelgi rohkem piinlikusse olukorda panna.
Nunnu. "Mul oleks vaja kuskilt piiritust saada või viina vähemalt. Siis samamoodi peitekreem. Aga veidi jumestuskreemi tuleb ka peale panna, nii igaks juhuks. No ja siis ma pean puuderdama ka."

"Kõlab nagu põrgu,"
Pööritasin silmi. "Ole õnnelik, et ma ei tee sulle täismeiki, nagu meid modellikoolis õpetati,"
"Sa käisid modellikoolis?" küsis ta huvitunult. Ma vähemalt arvan, et see kõlas nii. Tähendab, see pidi olema küll, sest Jasonil polnud kommet asjadest huvituda, kui need teda tegelikult ei huvitanud.

"Yeah, juhtus kord. Piiritus, piiritus," kordasin siis, mõtles, kust kuradi kohast peaks ma saama koolis kell 8 õhtul piiritust.
"Em .. ma arvan, et kellelgi kuttidest peaks olema. Pärast on pidu ju,"
"Hea mõte. Ma lähen käin korra ära. Sina aga-" osutasin talle sõrmega. "-istu paigal ja ära liigu,"
Tormasin trepist üles aulasse, kus kõik alles algas, ning silmasin ukse juures Zacki. Mõtlesin, ega ta seina külge liimitud pole, et pole liikunudki sellest ajast, kui Jason tagasi jõudis.

Okei, ma poleks kunagi arvanud, et ma seda teen, aga .. kunagi on ikka esimene kord ja see siin on erijuhus. Sa saad hakkama, Caro. Sa just veetsid "oma armsa inimesega" ühes toas umbes 15 inimest EGA vägistanud teda ära. Oke, see oli kahtlane praegu. Raputasin pead, et vabaneda nendest kahtlastest mõtetest. "Sa oled julge tüdruk, Caro," kõlasid peas Jasoni kord öeldud sõnad ja ma teadsin, et ma saan hakkama.

"Zack," sõnasin vaikselt, jõudes poisini.
Ta vaatas mind väga üllatunult ning ta näole ei ilmunudki kohe ennasttäis naeratust nagu ma oodanud olin.
Kergitasin end päkkadele ning sosistasin: "Mul on viina vaja,"

"Ma arvasin, et sa teed Jasoni nägu esinemiseks normaalseks. Kas te kavatsete selle asemel hoopis mingi joomapeo korraldada või?"
Raputasin pead. "Jasoni haav huulel on vaja desinfitseerida. Mul pole kuskilt piiritust võtta. Ma vajan vaid paar tilka,"
"Okei," ütles ta ning viipas, et ma järgneks talle alla, nähtavasti garderoobi.

Me peatusime ta kapi ees ning ta hakkas sobrama suures spordikotis. Vaatasin ringi, kui kuulsin kolinat tema kotis. Polnud vaja üleliigseid kõrvu - midagi ei tohtinud valesti minna.
"On sul rätikut või midagi?" pöördus ta minu poole, vaadates samuti oma terava pilguga ringi.
"Mida? Ah, jaa," Sirutasin ta poole vatipadja.

Ta vaatas mind imelikult, kui öelnud midagi, kallutas vaid kergelt pudelit, mida käes hoidis, ning andis rõvedalt piirituselõhnalise padjakese mulle tagasi.
"Tee nüüd nii, et keegi seda ei tunne,"
"Mul on kõndida vaid mõned sammud," laususin ma talle kindlalt otsa vaadates ning surusin kergelt patja rusikasse, et lõhna veidi summutada.

Hakkasin juba minema, kui mulle midagi meelde tuli.
"Aitäh," ütlesin ma üle õla ning naeratasin talle.
Zack saatis mulle taaskordse imeliku pilgu ega öelnud midagi. Vaid siis, kui ma olin talle selja pööranud ning mõned sammud kaugemale jooksnud, tundus mulle, nagu ta oleks sosistanud: "Nii et sa tõepoolest hoolid temast,".
Võib-olla oli see küll vaid minu kujutlusvõime, et Zack on võimeline ka hea olema.

Tõmbasin ukse ropsuga lahti ning libisesin sisse.
"Sina," hingeldasin Jasonile, kes seisis peegli ees ning uuris enda nägu. "Ma ju käskisin sul paigal istuda,"
"Mul hakkas igav,"

"Oh, mida iganes, istu maha nüüd," käskisin ma ning võtsin viinaga läbiimmutatud vatipadja näppude vahele.
Jason pilgutas kiiresti silmi. "Haiseb nagu paar alkohoolikut,"
"Jumal küll, sa hädaldad rohkem kui mina! Ole vait nüüd,"

"Ma parem ei küsi, mis sa muidu teed, eks?"
Mu näole ilmus lai irve, kui mulle meelde tuli, mis ma eelmine kord talle sellele küsimusele vastanud olin. "Sõltub,"
Ning siis mängisin ma taas medõde ja meigikunstnikut, tohterdades oma kallimat .. klassivenda.

Nägin, kuidas ta silmad kinni ja hambad kokku pigistas, ning laususin õrnalt: "Vabandust. See .. jah, kipitab veidi,"
"Saan hakkama," vastas ta juba rahulikumalt.
Nojah, lõppkokkuvõttes oli see vaid kerge kipitus. Ei saanud nii väga hull ka olla, ainult alguses. Seejärel kordasin sama protseduuri, mida ta silmalegi, tupsutades peale veel ka veidike jumestuskreemi.

Toppisin kraami pisikesse kotti ning võtsin sealt välja puudritoosi ning -pintsli.
"See tolmusarnane asjandus suudab midagi teha?" päris Jason üllatunult.
"See ei ole tolm, tobu. See on puuder. Ning jah, see suudab midagi teha. Nägid ennast enne seda?"
Ta noogutas. "Nägemine on mul veel alles,"

"Soovitan silmad kinni panna," sõnasin siis teadlikult ning võtsin pintslile paraja doosi puudrit.
Kergete tõmmetega katsin ta silma, nii et midagi polnud näha.
Suurepärane. Kui vaid ka huul samamoodi jääks.
See küll täielikult ei õnnestunud.

"Ma arvan, et pimedas saalis eriti ei märgata seda. Ma vähemalt loodan," konstateerisin fakti, kui Jason end peeglist uuris.
Ta vaatas mu poole. "See on nagu maagia,"
Muigasin. "Ei. See on meik,"

"Aitäh," ütles ta ning mu hing jäi kinni, kui ta mulle eriti lähedal seisis, sest ma olin tema juurde tulnud, kui ta end peeglist uuris.
"Sa oled ingel, Caro, tead seda?"
"Ma pigem olen deemon, aga aitäh,"

Keegi koputas uksele.
"Miks nad koputavad?" küsisin Jasonilt vaikselt.
Ta kehitas õlgu. "Koristaja?"
"Hmm. Sisse?" hüüdsin ebalevalt.

Alasia piilus sisse ning otsekohe valgus üle ta näo mesimagus naeratus.
"Tuvikesed, äkki pühendate mõned minutid meile ka? Meie esinemine hakkab 15 minuti pärast,"
Nookasin Jasonile peaga. "Lähme nüüd näitame su kaunist nägu teistele ka,"
Tema madal naer pani mu taas naeratama ning seekord olin ma täiesti kindel, et kõik õnnestub.

24.12.12

SL #44: Ära vea meid, mind alt

Melbourne'i reisi lõpp oli imelik, aga samas nautisin ma seda täiega. Algas sellega, kuidas me hommikul kogemata Jasoni tuppa helistasime. Hei! Nemad alustasid, eks. Me rahulikult korjasime asju, kui lambist kuulsime Dougi häält kõlarist. Tema tüüpilist mula.

Ning kui see äkki vait jäi, helistasime tagasi. Võin kihla vedada, et Jason pidas mind nüüd reaalseks stalkeriks. Aga suva sellega - peaasi, et lõbus oleks.

Hommik jätkus sellega, kuidas ma tänu üleeelmisele õhtule hakkasin 'Barbie Girl'i vaikselt laulma, kuni trepist alla tulin ning hetke pärast nägin, et Jake tuleb teiselt poolt alla.
P-i-i-n-l-i-k. Põrgusse sellega.
Poiss naeratas mulle, soovis head hommikut, kuid ei öelnud midagi. Ma ei teinud katset vestlust alustada ka.

Laeva peal ajas Cassie mu naerma, jutustades mulle tema nägemusest ideaalsest hommikust mulle: " Koputus uksele. Jason: „No mida?! Jälle jätsite kaardi kajutisse? Olgu-olgu, juba tulen!“
Ukse taga aga ei ole kaugeltki Zack, Dean ega Ian. Seal seisab hoopis Caroline, nägu naerul.
„Hei!“ ütleb ta, „No mida? Sa pidid nüüd voodist minu pärast välja tulema?“ Ta astub kajutisse, sulgedes enda järel ukse. Jason ei suuda end koguda. Mida kuradit Caro siin teeb? mõtleb ta. Caro aga astub talle sammu lähemale. „Nonoh, mis sa vaatad? Me lähme nüüd voodisse tagasi!“ ütleb ta… Meie hoiame kutid eemal,"

"OMG, Cas, sa oled segane," laususin talle, ise naerdes tõenäoliselt üle kogu laeva. Teadsin, et lähemad seltskonnad vaatavad mind nagu segast, aga ma ei suutnud midagi teha.
Rahunemiseks vaatasin aknast välja. Paistis päike ning vesi lainetas mõnusalt. Ja ma teadsin, et kui me jõuame Orbostisse, siis ootab meid suurepärane esinemine ja kõik läheb üleüldse hästi.

***

Vaid hetkeks mõtlesin ma, kui tore oleks, kui ta nüüd äkki tuleks ja oma käed mulle ümber paneks.
Ma ei tunneks end siis nii üksikult.
Ning just siis, kui ma olin alla andnud, juhtus ime. Tema käed olid tõepoolest minu ümber. Ma ehmatasin alguses, kuid said aru, et need on liigutused tantsust.
Kuid siiski.
With my hands on your waist when we dance in the moonlight...

"Oh, kurat," pomisesin ma, võpatades ja järsult üles tõustes. See oli päev, mil õhtul oli show. Polnud siis ime, et ma selliseid asju unes nägin.
Siis ma naeratasin. See oli tõepoolest hästi läinud.  Ja lõbusalt, kindla peale. Kohe nägin silme ees üht väga naljakat ja armsat juhtumit.

***

Mäletasin, kuidas sattusin - taaskord, haha - ainukeseks tüdrukuks gruppi, kuna teistel oli prantsuse keel ja meil - st minul ja poistel, va. Zackil - multimeedia. Mis tähendas, et meil lõppes tund aega varem ja me pidime teisi ootama, et harjutada.

Venitasin end ning hakkasin kergelt tantsu meelde tuletama.
Upitasin end, nii et mu pluus veidi tõusis. Kui vaatasin tagasi poiste poole, olid nende pilgud endiselt mu retuusidel ja veidi alasti kõhul.

"Peded," pomisesin poolkurjalt-poolnaljaga.
"Vaata, me ei saaks peded olla, kui me sinu .. sinust huvitume,"
"Perverdid?"
"Meil igalühel on mingi perverssustase, kas pole?" küsis Ian täiesti tõsiselt.

Proovisin teha tõsist nägu, kuid mu näolihased ei allunud mulle ning see lõppes sellega, et ma purskasin naerma nagu nemadki.
Jätkasin oma tantsu ja äkki .. ja äkki kellegi käed olid tõsiselt minu ümber. Kui ma vaatasin üles, tuli välja, et unenägu oli täitunud.

Ning mul oli nii suva sellest, et me oleme ainuke paar, kes on. Ma teadsin, et Jasoni sõbrad ei ole õelad ning nad ei hakka midagi halvasti ütlema selle kohta. Seega keskendusin ma vaid tantsule ning meile kahele ja see oli perfektne.
Kui me lõpetasime, nägin peeglist, et puuduolev seltskond oli samuti kohal. Michelle toetas vastu uksepiita ja naeratas meile.

Ta plaksutas ning naeratus ta näol ütles, et tegu polnud naljaga, vaid see tõepoolest meeldis talle.
"Tehke samamoodi show'l ja kõik on idekas,"

***


Päev möödus kiirelt, nähtavasti sellepärast, et ma peaaegu et ei mõelnudki kooliasjadele. Ma olin kogu hingega õhtuse esinemise juures.
Selleni oli veel 2 tundi aega ning mina, Alasia, Cassie ja Michelle tulime tagasi oma söögipausilt.

"Hei, tüdrukud!" kostis kuskilt paremalt hüüe ja me vaatasime sinnapoole.
Teised vahetasid üksteisega arusaamatuid pilke, kuid mitte mina. Mina teadsin täpselt, kes see oli.
Adrianna. "Hei," vastasin ma, kui me lähemal olime.
"Te teate mu venda, eks?" Mhm. "Jasonit? Jason Lockwoodi?"

"Ja, jah, me käime ühes klassis," vastas Michelle ning oli samasuguse arusaamatu näoga nagu teisedki.
"Sina oled Michelle, eks?" naeratas Adrianna talle.
Tüdruk noogutas üllatunult pead.

"Sina oled Cassie, Alasia ja sina..." Ta vaatas mulle silma. "Sina oled Caroline," lõpetas ta naeratusega.
"Adrianna, eks?"
Tüdruku naeratus venis suuremaks. "Jah, see olen mina. Ega teil plaastrit ei ole?"

Um .. okei? See on .. eriti lamp. Vaatasin tüdrukutele otsa, kuid nad raputasid pead. "Ma vaatan kohe," vastasin ma ning sorisin kotti. Palutud asja ma küll ei leidnud. Raputasin pead. "Kahjuks pole," Peab küll mainima, et alates sellest juhtumist hakkasin ma alati plaastrit kaasas kandma. Ausalt. Ning jah, tundub tobe küll.
"Eh, okei," vastas ta. "Edu teile siis .. tantsus,"
"Ee .. tänks," pomisesid tüdrukud, mina aga saluteerisin talle sõrmedega hüvastijätuks.

"Okei, see oli kahtlane, eks?" lausus Cassie, kui me jõudsime alla aeroobikasaali, kus show'ks valmistusime. "Ma mõtlen .. ta teadis meid kõiki nime- ja nägupidi!"
"Jah, tõepoolest," nõustus temaga Alasia.
"Hei, chillax, ärge mõelge üle," laususin ma hooletul toonil, kuigi sees olid mul täpselt samasugused emotsioonid.

Mõne aja pärast oli kohal ka Chantal, kes Ediga eraldi söömas käis.
"Tead, keda ma kohtasin!?" lausus ta mulle särava naeratusega.
"Ade'i?" küsisin ma nii muuseas.
"Misasja? Kas sa nägid teda ka?"

"Me kõik nägime," sõnas Michelle.
"Ta teadis mu nime!"
"Sama siin," ütlesime kooris.
"See on imelik!" jätkas Chantal imestunult.

"On,"
"Kas Jasoniga on kõik korras?"
"Miks ei peaks olema?" imestasin ma tema äkilise teemamuutuse peale.
"Noh, et Ade on siin ja kõik,"

"Pff, ta raudselt niisama juhtus siin olema. Ega see kohe hädaohtu ei tähenda,"
"Kui sa just nii ütled,"

***

Jason

"Kuradi idioot!" karjusin ma, teades, et keegi ei kuule mind. Raamatud, alustades "Saladuse" ja lõpetades "Laskuriga" lendasid põrandale, sest esimene kord elus ma ei hoolinud neist. Viskusin vihaselt voodisse.

Tants? käis mu peast läbi äkkmõte. Ah, käige te ka persse.

*

"Jason!" röögatas Adrianna üldsegi mitte tüdrukulikult, leides mind voodi peal pikutamast.
"No mida sa lõugad?" küsisin ülbelt vastu.
Ta jäi mind üksisilmi vaatama. Siis kobas ta käega kummutit.

Veeretasin ennast mürtsuga põrandale ning visatud vaas tabas hoopis patja.
"Sa oled segaseks läinud," sõnasin rahulikult, tõusin püsti ning viisin vaasi tagasi.
Ade jätkas mu piidlemist. "Mis sul viga on? Ja mis sul näoga on?"
Tõmbasin hooletult üle näo. "Mis mõttes?"

"Su silm on sinine. Ja huul on täiesti marraskil,"
"Ah, see," ütlesin ma, justkui oleks see tühiasi. "Kukkusin,"
Ta pani käed puusa. "Kas ma näen poolearuline välja?"
Vaatasin teda mitmetähendusliku pilguga.

"Ma võin seda vaasi uuesti kasutada, kas tead," sõnas ta hooletult.
"Tahad mulle veel rohkem ilusat väljanägemist tekitada?"
"Oh, sa oled nii isekas! Mida Caro küll leiab sinus!"
Turtsatasin. "Ta praegu hakkaks küll sinuga vaidlema,"

"Miks sa üldse endiselt veel siin oled?" muutis ta teemat.
"Kus ma siis olema peaks?"
"Sul on täna esinemine,"
"Kust sa seda tead?" kissitasin õe poole silmi.

"Ei, noh, ma siin niisama juhtusin su koolist mööda minema..." alustas ta ükskõikse tooniga.
"Niisama juhtusid? Mhm, ma nii usun sind,"
"Mis vahet seal on, kas niisama või mitte? Ma olin seal ja nägin su tüdrukut,"
"Caro ei ole mu tüdruk,"

Ade naeratas magusalt justkui oleks just loteeri võitnud. "Vähemalt sa teadsid, kellest ma räägin,"
Pööritasin silmi. "Mida iganes,"
"Ühesõnaga?"

"Ma ei saa minna sinna, Ade! Ma ei tee seda!"
"Aga Caroline on seal,"
"Las ta olla,"
"Ja sind ei huvita, et ta pettub sinus?"

"See ei tähenda mulle midagi. Ma ei ela selleks, et kellelegi muljet avaldada. Ma elan enda jaoks,"
"Aga sa lubasid!"
"Näed seda?" osutasin enda näole. "Ma ei saa minna! Ma isegi liigun et vaevaliselt,"
"Mis juhtus, Jas?"

*

See pidi olema täiesti tavaline kullerteenus. Noh, selle vahega, et mind ootas mõne tunni pärast esinemine. Aga, nagu alati on, kui midagi hakkab hästi minema, rikutakse see lõpus alati ära. Jah, isegi Saladust kasutades.

Ma olin kauba üle andnud, kui järsku kostis hüüe: "Pikali!" ning edasi toimus kõik väga kiiresti.
Tüüp, kes oli just saanud kilo jagu kokat, vedeles mitte just eriti elusalt minust paari meetri kaugusel. Toetasin seljaga vastu autos, šokeeritud äsja juhtunust.

Ma teadsin, et neid oli mitu. Nii vasakult, paremalt kui ka auto tagant kostsid sammud.
Oh, kurat, mõtlesin ma, kobades püstolit vöölt, kuigi teadsin, et mitme vastu ma ei saaks. Ma ei ole mingi Jason Statham siin.
Kahjuks mitte.

"Jason?!" hääl oli liiga tuttav ning üles vaadates avastasin enda eest Jake'i.

Teed mu kulul nalja, hah? Nagu reaalselt teed mu kulul nalja?
"Mida helli, tüüp?!" karjusin talle.
"Tahaks sama küsida," vastas ta ning kallutas pea viltu.

"Miks te ta just maha lasite?" osutasin paaniliselt Markile - vist? - ning tõusin püsti, kuigi kahe sõduri revolvrid olid endiselt minule suunatud. "Btw, äkki..?" osutasin peaga relvadele.
Jake tegi käega liigutuse ning tüüpide käed laskusid unisoonis külgedele.
Woa, siuke äge boss oled lihtsalt. Tahtsin juba seda aeglast plaksutamist tegema hakata, kuid mul polnud eriti aega.

"Täidan ülesandeid, mis mulle antud on?" ütles ta nii muuseas, käed taskus, ning kehitas õlgu.
"Ta oli minu ülesanne," sõnasin läbi hammaste.
"Mina ei tea midagi,"

Ei tea, milleni oleks meie ilmselgelt väga sisukas vestlus jätkunud, kuid üks sõduritest kukkus maha ning sellele järgnes kuulirahe.
"Mida kuradit?"
Jake raputas pead. "Mul ei ole õrna aimugi,"

"Oh, kurat," pomisesin ma, kuuldes kuulide kokkupõrget autoga. Te, raisad, mu auto... Tegin midagi mõtlematut. Tormasin püsti ning hakkasin laskma.
"Idioot, Jason," kuulsin Jake'i häält, kuid ta ei jätnud mind hätta, vaid tegi sama, mis minagi.

Neid oli vaid kaks, nii et nendega ei läinud kaua. Mul ei ole õrna aimugi, kes nad olid, aga tõenäoliselt olid nad selle tüübi sõbrad, kelle meie kullakallis Jake maha lasi.
Rääkides temast.
"Hei, kuhu sa lähed?" küsisin šokeeritult, kui ma ümber pöörates nägin teda järelejäänud sõduriga auto poole sattumas.


"Ma lihtsalt täidan bossi teenuseid," vastas ta läbi hammaste ning kavatses autosse istuda.
"Sa nagu reaalselt kavatsed mu siia jätta, et ma sellega ise tegeleks?"
Ta kehitas ükskõikselt õlgu. Pigistasin hambad kokku ja äigasin talle paremhaagi.

"*** sul viga on?" karjatas ta ning virutas mulle samuti.
Me "rüselesime" mõne aja, kuni äkki ta sõdur teatas talle, et boss käskis kiirustada.
Jake virutas mulle löögi kõhtu, nii et ma tast eemale vaarusin, ning istus millestki huvi tundmata autosse. See veeres minema.
Idioot, Jake. Idioot, Jason.

***

"Ja ta lihtsalt jättis su sinna?"
Noogutasin pead. "Meie seadused. Me ei pea üksteist aitama,"
Ade lõi endale kergelt vastu otsaesist. "Mis sa nende tüüpidega tegid?"
"Koristasin nad ära," ütlesin ükskõikselt. Olin kindel, et Ade ei pidanud seda teadma...

"Hmm," sõnas ta mõtlikult. "Okei. Ma saan aru, miks sa oled endast väljas, kuid see ei tähenda, et sa peaksid teisi, eriti aga Caroline'i alt vedama. Tead, ta oli nii rõõmus, kui ma teda nägin. Elevil. Ta tõepoolest ootab palju sellelt õhtult,"

Vaatasin õele kurbade silmadega otsa. "Ma ei saa sedasi minna, Ade," Eriti peale seda...
Vaatamata olukorrale ilmus tüdruku näole lai naeratus. "Ma olen kindel, et Caroline oskab seda parandada,"
"Mis naeratus see on selline?" osutasin sõrmega tema näole.

Ta lõi käega. "Vahet pole, aga sa pead kiirustama," Ta tuli ning kangutas mind püsti, lükates esikusse. "Mine nüüd,"
Ma ei tea, mis minuga juhtus, aga ma ei suutnud talle vastu panna. Selles suhtes, et ma äkki mõtlesin, et ma tõepoolest ei tohiks Carot alt vedada. Tõmbasin ketsid jalga ning astusin välja.

"Davai, ma lähen nüüd,"
Ade seisis uksel ja naeratas, kui ma talle selja pöörasin ning auto poole sammusin. Vaatasin korraks üle õla tagasi ning nägin, et ta seisis endiselt uksel, küll juba oli ta käes telefon ning ta vist messis kellegagi.
Nii palju sa siis hoolid.

***

Caroline

"No kus ta on?!" küsis Michelle vihaselt, kissitas meie poole silmi ning isegi lõi jalaga vastu maad. "Meil on fucking tunni aja pärast esinemine ja teda ei ole siin. Aaah!"

Michelle oli väga vihane. Mina olin .. ka vihane. Aga mitte väga palju. Tegu oli siiski Jasoniga. Ning ma ei suutnud tema peale kaua või väga vihane olla.

"Ma olen kindel, et ta tuleb," proovisin ma teda rahustada.
Tüdruk kiristas hambaid.
Vaatasin paaniliselt teistele otsa. Tüdrukute näod ütlesid, et nad proovisid midagi leiutada, mis Micha rahustaks või Jasoni kohale tooks - see rahuldaks muidugi ka esimest punkti. Kuttide nägude järgi sain aru, et neil pole õrna aimugi, kus Jason on.

Kuttide .. Zack.
Ta seisis, selg seinale toetatud, ning paistis mitte hoolivat.
Tahtsin talle kõrri karata - lihtsalt niisama aja veetmiseks -, kuid otsustasin tunded vaos hoida. Toetasin selja samuti vastu seina.
Oh, mu arm, kus oled sa? Ära ütle, et alt mind nüüd vead. Palun...

Mu telefon piiksatas ning ma tundsin, kuidas meie seltskond mulle otsa vaatab. Sõnum tundmatult numbrilt: "Ta ei vääri sind, aga ta armastab sind,"

Vaatasin murelikult üles tantsuplatsile. "Ma tean, et ta tuleb," Aitäh, Ade. Ja usu mind, mis ka ei juhtuks, Caroline armastab Jasonit igavesti.

Ning siis... "Ma olen siin,"

Ma pöörasin ümber ja ta tõepoolest oli seal. Ainult et ta nägi kohutav välja.
"Issand jumal küll, mis sinuga küll juhtus?!"

*

(A/N: fotod)

19.12.12

ÄKAM #21: Varing

Cammy suudles mu ninaotsa. "Head päeva sulle,"
Naeratasin talle õrnalt ning panin oma käe tema oma peale, mida ta mu põsel hoidis. Tema käsi oli talvepäeva kohta üllatavalt soe. "Aitäh. Sulle ka, eks,"

Ta puudutas sõrmega mu ninaotsa ja virutas kergelt tagumikule, mind koolimaja poole lükates. Naeratasin talle laialt ning kõndisin kooli poole, nautides lume krudisemist saabaste all.
Kellegi käsi mu õlal peatas mu ning ma pöördusin naerdes ümber, sõnadega: "Unustasid midagi?"

Mu naeratus kustus, kui ma enda eest Liami avastasin.
"Mida sa tahad jälle?" küsisin ülbelt, tundmata end halvasti. Lõppkokkuvõttes oli see siiski vaid Liam.
"Rox..."
"Mul ei ole sinuga mitte millestki rääkida," Ristasin käed rinnal ja märkasin, kuidas mõned inimesed meile huvitunud pilke saadavad. Põrgusse teiega.

"Nii et sa tahad öelda, et mu tunded ei tähenda sulle midagi?"
"Su .. mis sõna see oligi? Tunded? Mis tunded need on, tahaks ma teada? See endaga rahulolev tunne, kui sa murdsid mu vastupanu? Seda mõtled, mis?"
"Ei!" Liam tõmbas närviliselt käega läbi juuste. "Vaata, ma tegin vea, eks. Ma olin idioot. Ma ei mõelnud kaine peaga."

Kissitasin silmi. "Liam, sinusugused inimesed ei muutu," Ma teadsin, et kõik inimesed muutuvad, kuid ei, mitte nii kiiresti.
"Kõik inimesed muutuvad,"
Tänan, ma tean seda isegi.

Ristasin käed ja vaatasin talle, kulmud kergitatud, otsa.
"Miks sa ei usu mind, Rox? Miks?"
"Sest sa oled üks suur valevorst? Sest sa jätsid mu maha ja juba paari tunni pärast olid sa koos kellegi teisega? Äkki selle pärast?"

"Ma isegi ei..."
"Sa jätsid mind tema pärast ning muidugi seegi ei õnnestunud, sest sa oled nii ennasttäis mängur, kes vahetab tüdrukuid tihedamini kui sokke. Kuid sa õpetasid mind mängima enda mängu, nii et nüüd on minu käik,"
"Olen kuulnud," pomises ta kuivalt.

"Ainult et ma sain aru, et see ei ole õige. Sinu võitmiseks oleks ma pidanud saama sinusuguseks, kuid ma olen sellest üle. Ma parem kaotan,"
"Roxy..."
"Ära nimeta mind nii, selge? Sul ei ole enam sellist privileegi ja ma soovin, et poleks kunagi olnudki,"

Vaatasin talle terava pilguga otsa, keerasin kannapealt ringi ning kavatsesin väärikalt minema kõndida. Kuid see värdjas haaras mul käest ning tõmbas tagasi, kusjuures sedasi, et saaks mind suudelda.
Rabelesin hulk aega, enne kui lahti sain. Ning siis...
...Siis ma nägin Cammyt, kes seisis mõnekümne meetri kaugusel ja vaatas meid.

"Ei," sosistasin paaniliselt. "Ei, ei, ei," Iga ei-ga mu samm kiirenes ja ma lõpuks jooksin. Pisarad kipitasid mu silmis, kui ma edutult Cammyle järgi proovisin jõuda. Ta oli nimelt autosse roninud ja proovi sa autole järele joosta!

***

Ma seisin stuudio uksel ja vaatasin teda tantsimas. Ma ei tea, kas ta ei märganud mind või ei tahtnudki märgata, kuid ta jätkas oma tantsu. Kapuuts oli tõmmatud üle ta pea ning kõrvaklappidest kostev muusika summutas tõenäoliselt kõik ümbritseva. Cammy pani muusika alati valjuks, kui pahane oli. Mu lootusesäde sai sellest põlemismaterjali juurde, et äkki ta tõepoolest ei märganud.

Ning siis ta lõpetas ja ma vaatasin talle silma, kui ta mulle läbi peegli otsa vaatas. Tundus, et ta vaatab mulle otse hinge, ning mu hingamine jäi kinni.
"Cammy," alustasin ma õrnalt, kuid külmus ta silmis jättis sõnad mu kurku kinni.

"Vaata, Rox, ma ei taha mitte midagi kuulda sellest, eks,"
"Sa isegi ei kuulanud mind või midagi. Sa lihtsalt sõitsid ära,"
"Ma oleks tekitanud furoori, kui ma oleksin sinna jäänud,"
"Ah?"

"Ma pidin end tagasi hoidma, et mitte Liam sealsamas vaeseomaks peksta,"
"Nii et see ei ole mina, kelle peale sa vihane oled?" Mu lootusesäde suurenes väheke veel.
"Kuidas ma saaksin sinu peale mitte vihane olla? Sa ei teinud mitte midagi, et teda takistada!" Ta hääl kõlas kalgilt, kuid talitsetult.

Mu suu vajus lahti ning lootusetuluke hakkas ohtlikult värisema. "Ja see, et ma tema kätes rabelesin ei lähe muidugi takistamisena arvesse..."
"Rabelesid? See tundus mingi vingerdamisena pigem, aga suva sellega,"
"Mida iganes, Cam. Sa oled kuidagi..."
"Ära seda nüüd minu kaela küll määri,"

Kissitasin silmi. "Ma ei saa aru, miks sa nii kuri minuga oled. Ega ma teda esimesena ei suudelnud!"
"See veel puudus! Mul on lihtsalt selline harjumus, et kui keegi ütleb mulle, et armastab mind, siis ma usun ja võtan teda tõsiselt. Ja ma eeldan, et minu sõnadesse suhtutaks samamoodi..."
"Ma võtangi neid tõsiselt!"

"Näha küll pole,"
"Cam!" karjatasin ma ja viskasin käed õhku. "Ma ei saa aru, mis sinuga toimub,"
Ta ligines mulle, silmis endiselt see jääkülm pilk, ning ma neelatasin ja taganesin tahtmatult. Mu selg oli surutud vastu seina, kui ta nägu ligines ning ta hingas mulle kõrva: "Ma arvan, et see tähendab vaid seda, et me oleme läbi,"

Ning siis ta soe magus hingeõhk oli mu kaelalt läinud, nagu tema oli läinud saalis, jätnud mu üksi oma kustunud lootuseküünlaga.

*

(Fotod)

11.12.12

SL #41: A new beginning? Do it Caroline's way


He was cold. The fact Micha'd paired us up was amazing and I hoped for it to change everything. I thought: hey, we had just had an argument, but had made up and it would have been wonderful way to get back our friendship back.
But I was wrong.

He was acting like .. ugh, like in the beginning of the school year. Socializing with Analeigh, ignoring my messages in MSN... It seemed,for him the dance was just something that needed be done. And nothing else
The only person who enjoyed the situation was Zack. Obviously. I saw his glad face expression as he sent me looks.
I hated him.

When we landed in a bus, to drive to Melbourne, Michelle hastened inside to get us places and reserved them near Jason, extra for me. And what would Jason do? Stand up and sit next to Zack somewhere in the back of the bus. Thanks to the destiny, Analeigh was sitting next to him, if you don't count the gap.

Idiot. Jason, I mean.
And then, just like reminding of her presence, I heard Analeigh's laugh from the back, but I didn't turn around because I already knew what I would see there. Jason and Ian were sitting there - Jason'd just reconsidered his decision suddenly. And Analeigh had occupied her seat the way her feet were in the passageway. Not that it's something criminal  - of course not, I growled.
Sure, it was just my stupid jealousy. I liked sitting that way, too .. but I would never sit that way, if Jason was on the other side of me. Which didn't mean Analeigh would care or not do it.

But the truth was, I was tired. I knew that feeling - I've had it a couple of times before. It was, when I knew I had to stop.
Like .. yeah, I've waited for it for a long time - one and a half year -, but nothing serious happened, right. Jason didn't try anything to start a relationship and I had no chance to do that. I mean .. he knew what I'm thinking of him, feeling for him, but .. it was like he simply didn't care.
It was such an old story.

***

That time I was in one cab with Chantal, Ed and Cassie. We were slowly getting ready for the night, as soon karaoke was to begin. After that we planned to watch Eurovision and head to the club.

"I like that how you've thought of things and put such a short dress on," Cassie commented as I was doing make up before the mirror.
I saw mirror image of Ed peeking at me, having occupied the bunk bed with Chantal.

"Hey! It's not for him, okay," I parried, laying the mascara on the front of the mirror for a second, and smoothed the dress.
It was turquoise with a silver belt under my breasts. I liked it very much, though it was quite short. Usually I would like short things - for obvious reasons, alright -, but that time it wasn't because of Jason at all.

"Yeah, right. We so believe you," Chantal said and three of them exchanged an ambiguous look.
I took the lipstick. "But think for a moment .. if there was someone else," I said thoughtfully and waited for their reaction.
They exchanged a look of not understanding.

"What's that supposed to mean, Caro?" Chan asked. "It's not possible, now is it?"
I smiled and raised a brow. "You think I'm gonna be rooted with him forever?"
"It seems so now,"

I shook my head, laughing sarcastically. "Forget it. You ready, Cassie?"
Obviously Ed and Chantal had no intention to "visit" night club, because they "had nothing to do there". In reply I told them that we would be back by two in the cab and he they gotta make away with things by then.
Haha.

We exited the cab with Cassie and started moving towards the karaoke bar. We didn't rush as we had enough time.

"Hey, what would that mean?" Cassie asked as we'd almost reached the bar.
I let my gaze follow the teachers that had come with us - as almost all of the 10th graders came, there were many of them. I hugged myself 'cause I wasn't used to them seeing me that naked. Not that  was naked .. well, you get it.

But as they had passed by and there were less people, and I finally dared to look at Cassie seriously, I couldn't hold myself back. I told her everything.
How I'd been feeling lately. What I thought of Jason. And .. I told her about Jake.

When I shut up, she raised her brown and I thought whether I had overacted. Though, when turned my head, I understood it was just because Analeigh and Jason approached. Analeigh skipping and Jason glowering at me.
I don't know why, but when they passed by, Analeigh went between us - dafuq?! -, and Jason behind me.
Cassie smirked at that and said: "Going for the look from the back,"
I sent her a yeah-sure-look and she went serious again.
"If you don't take him now, you're not a real woman,"

My eyes went back open and a large grin appeared on my face. "Really?"
"I mean .. look at him. He's like a freaking Greece god on Earth. Wearing all these sexy clothes and his body .. mm," She licked her lips, making it more understandable. Like I already don't know that, hah. "Don't get it wrong. I'm not interested in him. He's just someone nice to look at on a bad day. Or, well, yeah, on a good day also," She smirked.

"Yeah, true story,"
She hushed her voice. "About Jason, on the other hand .. well, yeah, you've stuck around for a very long time .. but look, you're right: lately, he hadn't done any effort to show you he still cares. It really feels like he doesn't. He's a good person, of course. But, excuse me, he's acting like an asshole,"

I just shrugged irresolutely.
"But you know what? Enough with that. You take him. When he sees you in that dress, it shouldn't be that hard. Come," The girl took my hand and dragged me inside the bar.
Immediately we spotted ours and went to them.

"Would you like to sing with me?" Analeigh turned to just then and smiled at me brightly.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I smirked. "I can't sing,"
She didn't care. "Oh, doesn't matter, it can't be that bad,"

Maybe I over judge her? Maybe she's just friendly with everyone? I tilted my head, thoughtful. "Nah, dunno.."
The truth, I really wanted to sing, but the fact was, I didn't have voice at all.
However, I pulled the booklet towards me and started flipped through it.

"Oh, c'mon, the only song I know here and could sing along is 'Barbie girl'," I said, smiling at Analeigh.
She laughed resoundingly, but not disparagingly. "Okay. I'll go check whether we can sing," She waddled away and the silence fell among us.
I peeked at Jason through my lashes, but turned my gaze away immediately, realizing he was gazing at me, too.
After some time Analeigh returned and announced sadly the karaoke is already over. We decided to go and watch Eurovision then, after that return to go clubbing.

***

"Oh, come on, Cassie, even I didn't took that much to do my make up," I moved around the doorway impatiently.
"But we're not ready yet, too,"Michelle stated from their cab. She was in one cabin with Annetté, Kelley and Lea. They were getting ready, too.
"Ugh," I exhaled deeply..

But then I forget my impatience, and put my hand in my hair instead to put my hair in order as Jake came into our corridor. "Our corridor", because strangely our two cabs were here while others' were in totally different corridors.

That's why I was surprised: why was he even here when others were somewhere else. Jake passed by me and I closed my eyes, enjoying the smell of his aftershave.
"We kinda sorta have 15 minutes 'til the beginning," I started and walked around in the small hallway again. "Although, if we calculate the time you need to get ready, we won't be there even after a hour,"

"Oh, keep calm, Caro," Cassie gave me a sharp look and continued doing her make up.
Her sharp look was nothing compared to Michelle's. Though, calling it sharp is an understatement.
I sighed at their slowness and leaned on the wall.

I was like that for about 5 minutes, actually not even paying attention to girls until I realized they were all glaring at me with cunning faces.
"What?" I said, narrowing my eyes.
And then I heard someone coughing behind me.

Wait a sec, wasn't there like a wall behind me?
Suddenly I felt someone's hands on my waist and I froze like a statue. When I finally dared to turn around, I found out that I had just gifted Jake Evans a lap-dance while standing.

(A/N: photos)

10.12.12

SL #40: You're joking, right, Micha?

His hands around me were so warm, his back against mines so soft. Everything felt so right.
Although I knew it wasn't true. That we weren't really together. That there was just that place, here and now, and we were sitting on a bed, me wearing only a very thin night dress and he with only jeans on, and we were hugging.
And I think what the hell is happening.

Then I opened my eyes and understood it was only one of these crazy yet so sweet dreams. Of course I knew they were stupid. I mean .. where would they lead me? Yes, it was true. These dreams .. while being so .. special and .. impossible, they would always make me miss Jason more.

Somehow he was always near me, if it's the right way to put it. But it is possible miss someone who sits right next to, it just depends on how you see it .. And in my situation, I missed Jason mentally, not physically.
However, hugging him is amazing.

***


With all that falling-out and Jason and .. Jake I'd totally forgotten that now, being in high school, we can finally take part in high school dance competition - let's add a little 'yay' here!
Look, I wasn't that person who would organize anything, but happily - I thought I'd never say that - we had Micha, who signed us up.

Us?
"Trust me, it's gonna be amazing. Your remember our dances from basic school, don't you?"
Vampires and absconders? Indeed, Micha. I looked at her ambiguously.
"Oh, c'mon, we made vampires cool before 'Twilight',"
"Really," Chantal, standing next to me, only shook her head.

Michelle gave her a weird look I didn't understand. Then she looked at me. "Caro, I have a surprise for you,"
"You're gonna gift me a voyage to Bill and Tom's house?" I asked excitedly. "Or to 1D's?"
"OMG, of course not! But trust me, you'll like it .. as much, I guess," she smiled foxily.

So that's what she tried to tell Chantal with her look. That surprise. What's that?

***

Close your mouth, Caro. They look at you like you're a weirdo and Zack's grinning like an idiot.
I liked our team. Yeah, I did. I could even close my eyes at Zack, who was obviously pleased with himself at the moment.

I closed my mouth and smiled. Then I dragged Micha away for a second.
"Micha! It's pretty hard for me to bear with his touch and you make me a surprise like this," I hissed.
"Oh, c'mon, don't tell me you don't like it. And wait, what touch?"
"I'm not gonna say I don't like it. But you could have warned me. What, we're not paired together?"
"It wouldn't have been half as awesome if I had," She parried, ignoring my questions.

I was about to exposit more arguments, but she turned her back at me and looked at our team, where besides Jason - OMG for another time - and Zack there were Chantal, Cassie and Alasia - it seems Micha'd stuck to our original gangdom - and Ian, Mark and Dean from the guys. Yeah, it was the same, too.

"Okay, anyway, everyone's here now," Micha began. "So you're all paired, as I said before: Chantal and Mark, Ian and Alasia, Cassie and Dean, me and Zack and Caroline is with Jason,"
She looked us in the eye in turns.

I heard Zack's horse-like laughing, and Micha turned to him again: "And you're grinning because..?" She squinted her eyes, and I was happy it wasn't me that time she was angry at.
"Eh..." Zack doubted.
Doubted? Is it even possible?

"So?" Micha's voice was demanding. I suddenly realized that Zack could be doubting. Michelle was short, but she had enough force - not physical, though she had it, too -, will and  and power like dwarfs, who are often said to be mean creatures.
Eh .. well, yes, Micha can be compared with a dwarf then.

Zack pointed at me, then at Jason. "It's just ironic how you..."
"Anyway, I'm here the one who pairs people together, and if you have problems with that, you can always ask for help," Michelle smiled at him sweetly. "You wanna dance with Caro by yourself?"
"Me? What? Of course not, she's not even..." And then it was his turn to shut up, because other guys were frowning at him.

I blushed. I've been told by guys that I'm beautiful and stuff, but wouldn't it be a bit too egoistic to say it out loud? And why would I suddenly mention that - maybe Zack was to say something good about me? Look, I know Zack, alright. And he, for sure, won't say anything good about me.

***

"How'd you even convince him? I mean .. a year ago he was sure for the life of his that he has two left feet, and he'd reassured me he'd never go dancing again,"
"Well .. I just wanted you to be happy again after .. that. And .. well .. I'd told him it could melt the ice between you two and .. would be some kind of an apologia, you know,"

I frowned. "Micha..."
"Yes, his interest turned into sorrow in a moment, but hey, here you are now!"
"I don't like it when he's sad,"
"I don't believe he's sad anymore," Chantal said.

Alasia and Cassie nodded.
"I'd still like to know how you persuaded him,"

***

Jason, some hours earlier

"No, believe me, it's gonna be amazing,"
"Michelle," I said strongly. "Look, I'd said that already - I do not like dancing,"
She made a thoughtful face. "If I supplicate?"
"No," I tried very hard to hold myself back from gritting my teeth. Is it really that hard to cope with a 'no'?

"Hmm," She made then.
What else?
"I don't want to be a busybody about anyone's personal life, but..."
"But you still do that," I cut in.

I was sure to get a look like Adrianna's when I dared to chip in, but Michelle was just looking at me.
"You're an interesting person, Jason Lockwood," She stated seriously.
I raised my brows. "Really?" What will that lead to?

"The more I watch your behavior after Caro'd fallen in love with you, the more I understand why would she do that,"
"I'd already told Chantal once and I may repeat myself: I don't find anything interesting in myself,"

"I think none of us does. We gotta find someone who will find that in us," The girl said thoughtfully. "But the thing is, I may not be a big fan of Caroline's being in love with you, because I don't understand how you can wait for someone who ignores you for so long-" I was suddenly freezing. "-, but she's happy and I like that. So, I want to say that she'd be in the seventh if not in higher heaven if you suddenly decided to join our team. Yes, I know you don't like dancing," She said when I wanted to protest again. "But I also think you should do something serious for her. Especially after your falling-out. In case you won't work out,"

I was stunned. No, seriously. I could have expected that from Chantal. From Cassie or Alasia also. Hell, even Caro could say something like that! But, for god's sake, Michelle saying something like that - no, I couldn't even expect that.
And then I took a moment for an inside argument, during which I decided maybe it really could be a good way to say a proper "I'm sorry" to Caro. She said "I'm sorry" is not enough. Of course she'd like that. It would be original, different...

"Who else is in?" I asked slowly, still doubting, but quite a little already.
Micha smiled like she'd known exactly what I meant. "Don't worry, he'll be there, too, but he won't do any harm to you,"
I was to answer next question, but Micha cut me off: "No, Caro has not told me about that. I'm just more open-eyed than I'd seem at first sight,"

It locked my mouth, but I already had another question in the queue: "Eh .. where should I come?"
Micha smiled, triumphantly now. "I'm getting everyone together in the gymnastic hall. Be there after the lessons. It's be great to see you joining your friends," And once again, like reading my mind - though it was easy to guess -, she answered: "Yeah, Ian, Mark and Dean are in, too. I hope we're gonna have so much fun together,"

And before I could say anything, she turned and started walking away. Then she remembered something and shouted over her shoulder: "You really are an interesting person, Jason. I won't ever tell Caro again to let you go,"
With that she walked away, satisfied, leaving me there, standing speechless, only: Fuck, for god's sake, what had I got myself into? thrumming in my head.


06.12.12

SL #43: Romantikat?

"Ma .. uh, mis see on?"
Ta vaatas mulle ah-ole-nüüd-pilguga otsa. "Pakkumisi?"
Nihelesin diivanil ning tahtmatult isegi nõjatusin Jake'ist kaugemale.
"Lööd põnnama?" küsis ta, silmad kummaliselt pimeduses välkumas, toetas selja vastu tuge ja võttis lonksu.

Hammustasin huulde. "Ma .. lihtsalt ei..."
"Ah, ole nüüd, ma teen nalja," naeratas ta mulle oma säravat naeratust.
Naeratasin talle ebalevalt.

***

Jason

Kuna kõik Caro sõbrannad olid endiselt tantsuplatsil, ei arvanud ma, et ta oli kuskile uitama läinud. Ta ei oleks seda teinud, sest nad oleks teda otsima läinud. Järelikult läks ta tegema midagi sellist, mida nad toetasid.
Jake, kõlas mu peas. Oh ei, miks?

Kui ma tantsuplatsi pinevamalt jälgisin, avastasin, et ka eelmainitud kuju ei olnud seal, ometigi oli ta kõigile varem muljet avaldanud oma breikimisoskusega.
Eputis.

Kas Caroline võis Jake'iga kuskile minna? Jake oli küll mängur, aga...
Ja siis ma nägin liikumist "klubi" ülemisel korrusel. Tänu läätsedele nägin selgelt, et just need, keda ma nii hädasti otsisin, olidki seal.
Ning Jake sirutas Caroline'i poole purki...

Et nagu tõesti ilma kriminaalita ei saa, mis?
Kuid ma ei tohtinud teha midagi hullu. Pidin siiski tõdema, et Jake oli maffias suht hea ja vajalik osa, nii et ma ei tohtinud teda puudutada. Pealegi põhjustaks ta kõrvaldamine palju probleeme...

Okei, teeme midagi lihtsamat.
Oli vaja hankida Zacki telefon. Uskuge mind, antud olukorras oli see lihtsam, kui väikelapselt komm ära võtta.
Eriti arvestades tänapäeva väikelapsi...

Ja nagu kutsutud, ilmus äkki pingi juurde Zack. Tema olekust oli näha, et ta oli joonud ning tema käevangus oli keegi paralleelikatest. Zacki teises käes välkus ihaldatud IPhone.
Ugh, ülehinnatud.

Zack vajus mu kõrvale pingile, tõmmates blondi bimbo enda sülle.
Palun ärge öelge, et nad hakkavad... Tänks. Ma nii armastan teid.
Iseenesest polnud vaatepilt just teab kui hea, kuid see vabastas Zacki mõlemad käed, nii et ta telefon libises talle märkamatult mu kõrvale.

Ainult palu ja sulle antakse kõik.
Õnneks oli Zack piisavalt ametis, et mitte märgata, kuidas ma Jake'ile sõnumi saatsin - käskisin tal minna laeva kaugeimasse ossa ehk nii kaugele Carost kui võimalik -, selle telefonist kustutada jõudsin ja selle tagasi asetasin. Vaatasin üles ning enda rahulduseks nägin, kuidas Jake tõenäoliselt Carole seletada püüdis, et tal on nüüd vaja "asju ajada".
Täpselt nagu mina eelmine aasta, tuli mul meelde. Sa mu vaene tüdruk.

Mõne hetke pärast hüples Jake trepist alla - selle oma kahtlase hüpiksammuga, millega ta alati kõndis - ning kadus ustest välja.
Missioon täidetud. Tubli töö, Jason.

Ainult et kui ma üles vaatasin ja nägin Caroline'i mossitamas, küünarnukid põlvedele toetatud ja pea käte peal puhkamas, tundsin end siiski halvasti ja natuke ka süüdi. Ma ei tahtnud ometi, et ta kurb oleks selle pärast. Isegi kui ta ei teadnud, kui halb Jake talle oli.
Ja kes oled sa enda arust, et vaadata, kes on talle õige ja kes vale? Nagu sa ise oleks mingi pühak, kes talle kunagi haiget ei teeks. Unustasid juba ta näo, kui ta sind Analeigh'ga koridoris nägi?

Mul tuli ka masendus peale siis. Carole haigettegemine põhjustas seda alati. Pöörasin oma kurva naeratusega näo taas tüdruku poole ning märkasin, et ta ei istunud enam hoopiski üksi üleval, vaid kõndis hoopis trepist alla ning siis saalist välja.
Kui sa juba nii tõbras oled, et teed talle läbi teiste haiget, siis mine talle vähemalt järele, sosistas mu peas midagi, mis võis olla näiteks alateadvus või kaine mõistus. Ma ei ole kindel. Kuid ma olin kindel, et seekord oli tal õigus ka.

***

Caroline

Vastikud värdjad. Miks mulle alati löövad külge ja tahavad minuga olla vaid need, keda ma ei taha? Mis nuhtlus see on selline...
Ma vajasin kiiremas korras värsket õhku, kuigi, astudes öösse laevatekil, tundsin kananahka tekkimas, sest tuul merel oli siiski tugev.
Oleks pidanud vist jaki kaasa haarama... Ahh, vahet ei ole.

Ronisin pingile, sättides jalad enda alla ning vaatasin öötaevasse, kus minu suureks õnneks paistis täna täiskuu. Ma tean, et see on imelik, aga peale seda, kui ma vaatasin sarja "h2o - just add water", tekkis mul täiskuu - ja üldse kuu - kultus. See oli lihtsalt nii äge! Selline maagiline särav ketas pimedas öötaevas ja...

*

Kolmanda isiku vaatenurk


"Kas sa jälitad mind?" Nii tubli, Jason. See kõlas esiteks vaenulikult ja teiseks täieliku jamana ka veel.
Sa ei saa mind kohe kuidagi rahule jätta, jah? Segan sind nii ka?! "Tere sulle ka, Jason. Mida sa sellega öelda tahad?"
"No ma lihtsalt mõtlesin ka jalutama tulla ja sa just oled ka samas kohas ning..." Facepalm, Jason. Sa oled selline luuser lihtsalt.

"Oleks see paar päeva tagasi olnud, oleks vastus olnud tõenäoliselt või vist küll,"
Jason avas suu ning siis pani jälle kinni - nähtavasti ei oodanud ta Carolt sellist vastust. Kogudes end, esitas ta järgmise küsimuse: "Ja praegu?"
"Praegu on kõik muutunud,"

"Sa ei tundu just eriti entusiastlik olevat,"
"See on lihtsalt .. ah, unusta ära. Sa ei saaks aru,"
Poiss kortsutas kulmu. "Kas sa tegid seda meelega just?"
Caroline kergitas kulmu. "Meelega .. mida?"

"Sa tead küll," urises ta.
"Jason. On väga väike tõenäosus, et ma saan sinust tavaliseltki aru. Kui sa aga mingite vihjetega räägid, siis ma ei saa sust kaugeltki aru," Jasoni väga omapärane harjumus rääkida ääri-veeri ja mitte otse käis Carole tõsiselt pinda, eriti kui poiss proovis teeselda, et ta räägib selgelt.
"Kuidas sa siis teadsid, kuidas mind nii täpselt salvata?"

Muidugi ei saanud Caro endiselt midagi aru. Kuid ta ei kavatsenud seda talle öelda. Selle asemel kissitas tüdruk Jasoni poole silmi. "Võib-olla mu alateadvus lihtsalt teadis, kuidas end kaitsta. Mina siin ei ole sulle kunagi tahtnud haiget teha. Sina oled see, kes mind alati salvab,"
"Mida sina sellega öelda tahad?"

Caro turtsatas ja kehitasin õlgu. "No ma ei tea .. üks moment sa oled nii ideaalne ja siis oled sa jälle tagasi oma ma-ei-taha-sind-tunda-olekus. Paar päeva tagasi sa-" ta tasandas nii igaks juhuks häält, "kallistasid mind. Ja siis järgmisel päeval tegid sa taas nägu, et midagi pole kunagi olnud,"
"Ma olen sulle ju rääkinud, et ei saa sinuga inimeste seas suhelda,"

Tüdruk raputas pead. "Ja tahad teada, mida ma sellest arvan? J-A-M-A. See on kõige tobedam asi, mida ma kuulnud olen. See on nagu .. sa ei ole ju populaarne, miks sa peaksid sellest hoolima, kui keegi mind sinuga näeb? Nagu tegelt ka - mida iganes,"
"Sa ei saa aru, Caro,"

"Näed?! Sa ise ütled seda kogu aeg,"
Noormees vaatas tüdrukule poolkurjalt otsa, kuid ei öelnud midagi, nii et neiu jätkas: "Tead, me oleme tõesti väga erinevad. Ja meie peamine erinevus seisneb selles, et ma ei tee inimestele kunagi meelega haiget, sest ma hoolin nendest."

"Ma ei tee inimestele meelega haiget," Oh, kas tõesti?
Caro vaatas talle mitmetähenduslikult otsa. "Oled sa tõesti nii loll?" küsis ta, tundmata mingeidki süümepiinu.
"Mu arust on see praegu küll meelega,"

"Zackil oleks praegu ka rohkem südant,"
"Sa ei tea teda," urises Jason.
"Ega ma sind ka ei tea. Ma mõtlen, sa tead täpselt, mida ma su vastu tunnen. Ühel hetkel oled sa nii perfektne - räägid minuga, ajad mu naerma, teed mu õnnelikuks, olles armas ja hooliv ja .. kõike. Ning siis midagi juhtub. Justkui keegi vahetaks su ära. Sa vaatad mulle otsa ja sebid samal ajal Analeigh'd,"

"Ma ei sebi Analeigh'd,"
Caroline jõllitas teda ma-nii-usun-sind-pilguga. "Kindlasti mitte,"
"Ei, tegelt ka, Caro, mida helli? Tema on see, kes mul küljes ripub,"
"Ega ei tundu, et sa vastu oleks või midagi,"

"Kuule, ma ei saa talle lihtsalt öelda: 'Hei, jäta mind rahule', eks,"
Tüdruk pöörasin pilgu kaugusesse. "Minuga sa küll käitud nii. Ainult et sa isegi ei ütle otse, sa lihtsalt..." Ta raputas pead, nägemata mõtet jätkata. "Ma saan aru muidugi, et sa ei saa sundida oma südant, et ma sulle meeldima hakkaks, sest sa eelistad ennast mitte ohverdada teiste heaks. Ent ütle siis see vähemalt otse välja. Ugh, ma olen nii väsinud sellest,"

"Caroline..."
"No mida?"
"Hei, kuule, tegelt ka," Jason nõjatus tüdruku poole ning too unustas, kuidas hingata. Poiss vaatas talle sügavalt silma. "Mul on kahju, eks. Ma tõepoolest ei taha sulle haiget teha, aga vahel ei saa ma sinna midagi parata. Tähendab, jah, okei, see on tobe vabandus ning sa ei saa aru, kuidas see võimalik on .. Analeigh on kate. Ma ei taha, et..." Jason oleks äärepealt öelnud: "...Zack sulle haiget ei teeks,", kuid polnud kindel, kas see olnuks õige.

Sa pead talle seletama. Proovi vähemalt natukenegi tõtt rääkida. "Ühesõnaga .. ma ei saa sulle öelda, aga mõned inimesed, saades teada, et me suhtleme .. nad teeksid valesid järeldusi ja see oleks sulle ohtlik,"
"Kudapidi see ohtlik oleks?"
Jason raputas pead. "Seda on raske seletada. Lihtsalt usalda mind, eks,"

Caroline naeratas kurvalt ja saatis silmad merele.
Jason kõhkles hetke, kuid võttis end lõpuks kokku, võttis tüdrukul lõua alt kinni ja pööras ta nägu, et neiu talle otsa vaataks.
Poiss vaatas tema täidlaseid isuäratavaid huuli, kuid teadis, et kui ta praegu tüdrukut suudleb, ei suuda ta tagajärgedega hakkama saada. Ometi lubas ta oma huultel kergelt üle tüdruku põse libiseda.

Tüdruk tahtis pilgu ära pöörata, kuid poiss hoidis endiselt tema lõuast kinni, nii et ta ei suutnud oma põskede roosivärvi puna varjata.
"Kas sa usaldad mind?" küsis Jason sosinal ning tundis, et ka tema punastab.
"Jah,"

Ning kui tüdruk seda sositas ja poisile sügavalt silma vaatas, sai viimane aru, et ka tal on veel lootust saada päästetud.

***

Caroline, järgmine päev

Ta saatis mulle ühe oma pilkudest, millest mina sain aru järgmiselt. "Tüdruk, ma tahan näha seda, mis sa seal nüüd ostsid. Sul seljas,"
Mu jumal.
"Tundub, et keegi on üleskeeratud,"
"Mida?" poolkarjatasin ma šokeeritult.

Cassie itsitas. "Vaata teda. Tundub, nagu kavatseks ta su vägistada niipea, kui me laevale jõuame,"
Ning selle asemel, et rääkida Jasonist, kellega meil väike eye-rape toimus, rääkis ta hoopis Jake'ist.
Mu jumal, taaskord. Sellel tüübil oli väga .. mõrvarlik pilk. "WTF, Cassie? Kuidas sa saad rääkida minu vägistamisest nagu see oleks tühiasi?"
Ta naeris jälle. "Ära muretse, me ei lase tal seda teha. Kui sa ise ei taha seda..."

"Keegi ei tea,"
"Nii et see on küsimärgi all,"
"Ma ei tea, mida ma tema vastu tunnen. Mingit tüüpi sümpaatiat. Võib-olla,"
"Ja teine?" Ta saatis pilgu Jasonile ja vaatas siis kiiresti tagasi. "Kes meid, sind, täiega jõllitab?"

"5 minuti kanti juba," lisasin ma nii muuseas. Ma ei olnud ikka veel maininud kellelegi seda, mis toimus eelneval õhtul.
"Hmm .. huvitav. Nii et sul on nagu kaks crushi, kes mõlemad sind jõllitavad,"
"Äkki nad vahivad hoopis sind," pakkusin.
Ta saatis mulle jaa-kindel-see-pilgu.

"Okei, okei,"
"Nii et..."
"Ma tahtsin öelda, et ühte neist ma armastan, ja teine on crush,"
"Suurt vahet pole. Kui sa armastad teda, siis on ta ka crush. Kuigi..."

"..sa kahtled, kas ma tõepoolest armastan teda,"
"Mitte seda, aga .. tead küll. See on imelik,"
"Või lihtsalt ühepoolne armastus,"
"Sa oled kõige armastusväärseim inimene, keda ma tean, või kuidasiganes seda nimetatakse. Ma ei saa aru, kuidas sa endiselt saad temas nii kinni olla, kui ta on nii loll,"

"See on minu armastuslugu lihtsalt. Lisaks me ei tea..."
"..kas ta armastab sind vastu. Jajah .. ainult et..." jätsin meelega sõnad õhku rippuma.
Cassie praktiliselt et haaras mu käest. "Mida?"
"Lihtalt eile..."

"Jah, täpselt, eile. Üks hetk sa olid meiega, siis me saatsime su Jake'i juurde ning siis te olete kadunud. Kõik kolm. Threes..?"
"Oh god, Cas. Ma ei teeks midagi sellist," Ma ei hakanud talle mainima, et hetkeks, vaid hetkeks ma kaalusin seda. Hei, meil kõigil on vahel sellised mõtted, eks?
"Niisiis?" küsis ta õhinalt, pistes käe mu käevangu ning talutades aeglaselt meie grupi poole.

"Eile .. mm,"

***

Caro, eelmine õhtu

Mis toimub lihtsalt? See on nagu keegi oleks äkki kuulda võtnud mu palved ja soovid ning need täide viinud.
Jason oli äkitselt alla andnud - mitte nüüd kohe selles mõttes, eks - ning me jalutasime mööda tekki. See ei olnud päriselt romantiline jalutuskäik, aga .. jah, okei, tunnistan üles: see oli romantiline. Vähemalt minu jaoks.

Öö oli tähine ning me lihtsalt .. rääkisime. See oli nagu ta oleks äkitselt unustanud, et keegi võib meid näha või mida iganes ja lihtsalt teinud seda, mida tema tegelikult tahtis, mitte hoolides teiste arvamusest.

Me rääkisime ja ma olin taas õnnelik. Ma lootsin, et ma ei pea temas enam pettuma. Temas ei pidanudki.
Jason jäi äkki järsult seisma ning ma tõenäoliselt kuulsin teda urisemas. Kergelt. Suunasid silmad samuti sinna ja..

"Oh," ei suutnud ma ütlemata jätta, kuid ütlesin seda piisavalt vaikselt - või siis ta lihtsalt ei pannud tähele-, et Jason ei märkaks.
Teki teises osas ma nägin Jake'i ja kedagi paralleelklassist. Kergelt amelemas. Ma mõtlen, kui tüdruk on surutud vastu reelingut ja poiss talle väga lähedal, suudeldes ta kaela ja nii edasi, siis seda vist võib nimetada amelemiseks?

Sedasi mõtlesin ma hiljem. Tol momendil aga ei saanud ma midagi parata, isegi vaatamata mu eluarmastusele mu kõrval seismas - kõik, millest ma eales unistanud olin, kas pole? -, nähes neid kahte seal .. mu südamest käis läbi külm jutt. Väga külm. Jäine. Ja ma teadsin, et isegi kui ma armastasin Jasonit kogu oma olemasoluga, tõsi oli, et ka Jake tähendas mulle midagi.

Kuid ma ei saanud sellele keskenduda. Ma ei tohtinud kellelegi näidata, et see tähendas mulle midagi. Veel vähem oleks ma tahtnud, et Jake mind märganud oleks.
Nii et ma lihtsalt võtsin end kätte, vaatasin Jasonile otsa ja ütlesin: "Jalutame tagasi?"
Arvasin, et nägin ta näol mingit imelikku varjundit, kuid kui ta mulle otsa vaatas ja naeratas, leidsin, et võisin ka eksida. "Muidugi,"

***

Caroline, taas järgmine päev

"Me lõpetasime tähtede vaatamisega," laususin unistavalt ning mu silme eest läks uduseks, kui ma seda meenutasin. "Tead, seal tekkidel olid sellised pingitaolised asjad? Neil olid pleedid peal ja seal oli mõnus lamada ja tähti vaadata..."
Cassie naeratas. "Kui sa seda räägid, tekib tunne, et te olete juba koos ja see oli midagi pulmareisi sarnast,"

Turtsatasin. "Oh sind küll, Cas. Ma ju ütlesin sulle,"
"Ja ma leian ka, et see on jama, kas tead. Aga sa tead. Ma saan aru, et sa tõepoolest armastad teda. Lihtsalt see on nii imelik,"
"Ma tean. Kuid vahel me teemegi armastuse tõttu rumalaid asju, kas pole?"

(fotod)

26.11.12

SL #39: The gathering

People kept coming, but he wasn't still there.

"Don't glare, Caro," Michelle whispered next to me and surprisingly it was good-hearted even. "Someone may notice,"
And I understood that it had now occured to her also, that Jason WAS love of my whole life and nothing could change that.

Micha didn't believe in such things. Maybe that's why we'd have so many set-tos. She couldn't understand how you can stick around one person even if one doesn't give anything in return. Moreover, how can you love one. And how can you love them if you have never truly been with them.
However, one day everybody understands. Everything takes time. 'Specially finding the right one.

And when I turned around next time, I found the right one leaning on the wall, and I was more likely way too deep in my thoughts to hear door closing after he, Ed and Doug entered.
The party was a different story now because Jason managed to make me smile.
How was he able to? He doesn't even know. He doesn't even try.

Jason looked at me. While leaning on the wall that way, wearing black jeans and black hoodie - like always -, he reminded me of a bad oy more than ever. His caramel-colored hair was on his eyes, but he wasn't to push them away, so I had an urge to do it by myself. He smiled at me cutely, and moved to others with Ed and Doug, flumping down on the sofa between Josh, Drake, Doug and all other guys who played Monopoly, and I couldn't help myself but thinking about big and small fish again.
But when I saw him smiling, even with his eyes, I thought that maybe he really wants to be happy that time, amid everyone.

I focused on the cake again. Making it was much more fun when I knew Jason was her and can taste it later.
"Caro," Alasia suddenly said in a weird voice. "Why'd you grin like you'd just killed enemy of your life?"
I tried to smile more girly. "Better?"

She shook her head. "You didn't answer,"
I moved my chin towards the coffee table which was inbetween two sofas and she turned there. A bright smile appeared on her face.
"Now I understand,"

I looked at her ambigously.
"Does it really feel like that?"
"What?" I didn't understand at first.
"I mean .. how does it work? How is it even possible? That he just is and you're in the seveth heaven at the same time. You're not even together or anything,"

"It's hard to explain," I said, doing away with the cake and putting it in the fridge. I shrugged. "I don't know. It just works that way."
"It's so strange,"
"It is,"

"But then again .. you're happy mostly and I think it can be fun,"
"Mostly - yes. But there are these moments..." My thoughts snapped back to the events that had happened lately. Girls knew we had made up, but I hadn't told any of them how exactly it happened. For me it was something intimate and strangely I had no intention of telling them - I mean, I would always tell them everything. 

"I'm happy you made peace,"
"Yeah, that's true, but still .. during these moments .. you feel yourself so dead. You want to be dead because it's so terrible," My expression was cloudy when I recalled December.
Alasia nodded, understanding. "But .. you're still here, right? And you're happy .. it's not a mask, is it?"

I smiled warmly at the girl. "Yesh, now it's all alright," I let my eyes wonder at Jason for a moment and I found him eyeing me. It brought a smile on my face and I directed it to him. He smiled back at me.
"I'm sure it won't happen again.We were able to solve it,"
Alasia caugh my glance and smiled smugly. "I see. Are you now..?"

My smile faded slightly. "No," my answer was a little sharper than I wanted.
"Sorry, I didn't..."
"No, I should apologize," I turned my eyes at her. "I just .. you know what an idee fixe it is for me,"

Alasia gave me a smile again . "I think you should go there," She pointed with her head towards the sofas where guys where still playing Monopoly.
I raised a brow playfully. "Now why should I,"
She shrugged innocently. "I think he'd like that,"

I shook my head. "The fact we had end hostilities, once again, doesn't mean he would show his .. interest? more,"
"Dunno .. I'd say he's gazing at you with interest,"
"Really?!" I half-yelled and wanted to turn around, but Alasia grabbed my hand.

"Just go there. Don't show you're as interested as he is. You know what are they like," She winked at me, guileful.
I smiled foxily. "Okei,"

I turned around with perseverance and saw Jason turning his head back to the table.
So Alasia is right, huh? I would never guess...
I slumped into the beanie chair, which was diagonally located to sofa Jason had occupied. He sent me a look, a covert glimmer in his eyes I couldn't understand, and focused on the game again.

After 5 minutes I'd spent with guys - yes, I prefer companies consisting of 99% boys and I'm 1% girl -, I understood they have an odd game where they try to make Doug lose.
Guys...

I looked at the table, enchanted, because it was so fun observing guys doing their business and laughing...
Jake's hand stretched itself 10 centimeters from me and I almost jumped on my seat. I straigthened my spine and closed eyes for a moment. Opening them a second later, I found a stretching Jason just above me.

I looked at him, wide-eyed, as he put something on the table - I mean, c'mon, how would I notice that, too, if on one side of there was Jason's sixpack and on the other Jake's hand?! -, and sat back, his eys now on me again, and by the way he sat next to Jake 'cause Drake had magically disappeared.
What the hell is actually going on?

Suddenly Jason took his hoodie off, remaining only in his T-shirt. There was something like .. "Fuck..." on it, but I couldn't gaze for too long to make out. After all, I managed to gawk at his sixpack for the second time during 5 minutes.

"Mike, do you have any guitar?" Jason suddenly asked the guy.
He nodded and went to get it from upstairs where the bedrooms were.
What is he planning? I glanced at Jason and saw him smiling foxily. Hmm...

"Here you go," Mike passed Jason the guitar, who embraced it and muttered "thanks".
He adjusted it and let his fingers slip over the strings. Getting done with that, he started playing.

Under his fingers a guitar version of "Mad World" formed. I had never heard our class that quiet. All the buzz stopped at the moment Jason's fingers touched the strings and everyone, no matter where they were or what they did, turned their heads and gazed at the young man.

I saw his lips moving, but he didn't sang aloud.
"And I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had."

I sang along with him in my head, because he was the one who shared it once with me. It was sad, yes, but thought-provoking at the same time, and we liked to think about something with Jason.
When he fnished, silence hung in the room at first and then everyone started to apploud wildly.

I was happy. First, I was surrounded by my best class and we had amazing time together. Secondly, I and Jason were back to being friends. And maybe even more than friends... And last but not least, I finally got to listen to Jason live. And that was wonderful if you ask me.

25.11.12

SL #38: Really, heart, we're gonna do that again?

"Let me guess. You're sorry?"
"Yes. I'm sorry,"
"'I'm sorry' is not enough. Next time you come around, I may not be here,"
"You want to get to know me, right? So I figured, before I ruin everything, I'll show you who I really am. But firstly, I have to apologize. I'm sorry I was such a disappointment to you,"

You think it was easy for me to stand there, all furious, when he .. stood there like a wet dog behind someone's door, asking for a warm place to stay over. At that very moment behind my balcony door and into my room.
Of course it wasn't. To begin with, I could never actually be angry at him, and to finish with, his state.

But I had to, okay? I couldn't always be the only one who cares and loves, and lets others to walk over her because of that. I had to show that arrogant boy how it feels.

"Sorry for what exactly? For making me feel like nothing? For making me cry? For making me wonder every day what I did wrong? For .. pretending to care? Sorry for making me think I  actually had a chance? You’re sorry?! I don’t know why you’re apologizing. I should apologize for getting my hopes up, I .. ugh. Besides, you can't take back what you've already said,"

"I was angry and didn't control myself, saying things I didn't mean,"
"Normally the truth slips out while you're mad. That's when it all comes out,"
"Are you mad at me?"

"Am I mad at you? That's your biggest concern after shattering my whole world? Mad for what? For breaking my heart? Or all the lies? Maybe for letting me put all my trust in you only to betray the decency to tell me you think it's crazy that I'm upset? Am I mad? No, more like crushed. I'm trying to let go, but it doesn't mean it's easy. Nor does it mean it doesn't hurt. I'm not mad, I'm hurt. Feel the difference," Drama queen.


And that was the moment Jason Lockwood managed to surprise me by doing something .. something totally different. He hugged me.
I buried my face in his shoulder. My hands found their way to his neck, locking there, and at that very moment I didn't care at all about his waiting time and my promise not to be too pushy. In the end, he was the one who hugged me first!

All that I could think was that I needed him. I needed his arms around me, needed him to hold me and whisper that everything's gonna be alright.
I had already forgotten I was being a total drama queen just a moment ago and really mad at him and...

"I'm just having a busy time ruining my life to get to know someone," he muttered, not letting me go. "You're one of not many I trust. I don't .."
"But you don't let me close enough,"
"Caroline..." he began, but I interrupted cruelly: "What? Am I wrong?"

He sighed. Too deeply and it made me slightly feel guilty. "No, you're right,"
He was silent for a second. "Are you okay?"
"Not really,"

"It's hard. Because I have no one to open up to, to tell someone,"
"You had me,"
"'Had' sounds too depressing. But I think that's for a reason. I do nothing but hurt you all the time. I always push you away,"

"I won't ever leave you, even though you're always leaving me. When things get bad, I'm here. When things are great, I'm here. When you're confused, I'm here. When you're pushing me away, I'm here. And even if when I'm gone, I'll always be here, for you, forever," Really, heart? We're gonna do that again?  "Because if we cease to believe in love, why would we want to live?"
He jerked at word "love".

''Say something. Monologue sucks. My parents already thinks I'm crazy,"
"Why?"
Whoa, you answered. "'Cause I talk to myself,''
He snorted. "Me, too," Then he was serious again. "You want to know why I left you alone? Because I care about your feelings more than mine,"

"What would that mean?" I murmured.
"There are people who .. disrupts,"
"Zack," I hissed quietly.
Jason nodded. "He also, but there are more,"
"But I like you,"

"It'd be better if you didn't,"
"You know what sucks about falling for a wrong guy? You fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different,"
"I know. And now I don't want that to change anymore. No one has ever made me feel like you do. I know you deserve better. And I feel like after everything that had happened you hate me,"

"After everything you'd caused to me I should. But all I want to do is be with you. And that's what I hate the most. That I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit. Not even at all."

"That's what I worry about. I thought if I give you time, you'll get over me, nor I'll hurt you that much,"
"Why don't you let people see good in you?"
"What exactly do you mean?" he was surprised by my sudden change of topic.

"Why don't you let people see good side in you? Caring, good side?"
"Because when people see good, they expect good. I don't wanna have to live up to anyone's expectations. But I didn't want to let you down. I don't want to crush your expectations. I wanted .. oh,"

"Jason?" I pushed him away slightly - you can't even imagine what effort it needed - and looked him in the eye.
"On the one hand, I want to protect you. Then again .. sometimes I feel like I'm the biggest danger to you,"
"Jason .. you're only dangerous to me when you hurt me for no reason,"
"I'm sorry,"

"Please don't apologize," I put my hands on the both sides of his face for him to look at me. "Did you understand what I told you?"
He nodded and I hugged him again. "Then nothing is important anymore,"

There were more things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.

(Photos)

SL #37: Girls .. why do they all want to beat some sense in my head so much?

Jason
"Jason!"
Please not again. "Go away, Ade!" I yelled in responce.
"God, all the town mustn't hear your yelling," Ade muttered, pulling my earphones off.
"Hey!"
"Much better, but more a bit quieter,"

I turned around in my chair, putting occiput in my hands and glowered at my sister.
"What do you want?"
"We need to talk," she began and took seat on my bed. "No, little correction: you need to talk,"
"I don't need to talk to anyone,"

"Ignoring the problem won't solve it," she stated and crossed her hands.
I did that, too, and pursed my lips.
For a couple of seconds we just stared at each other.

When I still didn't say anything, a honey-sweet smile appeared on Ade's face, she stood up and took a step closer to me.
"If you don't start talking during the next minute, I'm gonna delete all your games from the computer,"
I raised a brow. "You won't,"

"You don't believe me? Seriously?"
Truly, she could do that. But I didn't want to break down.
"I started talking,"

"I warned you," she said as the minute had likely passed.
"How do you explain something that you can't even understand yourself?" I gave up as she approached closer.
All together, I knew very well that only Ade could help me.
Not that I would ever ask... "How much did you hear?" I asked as she sat on the bed again.

"Kinda from the beginning,"
I cursed myself quietly under my nose.
"If you allow me to say..." she started, but I cut in: "Like you'd need a permission,"
She gave me a murdruous look.

Just like Caro.
With only difference, Adrianna's look was pretended, I guess. Caro, on the other hand, wanted to truly kill me.
There was a reason, you know...

"What I wanted to say, before I was very rudely interrupted-" the look "-you can't do that. You can't let Zack ruin everything,"
"Everything?"
"Your and Caro's..."
"Don't say 'relationship'. Please don't do that to me, too,"

"Okay. Make no mistake here. Whatever you have with Caro..."
"She made drama out of nothing,"
Indeed, I simply yelled at her and she got angry with me. That's really nothing. Who's now the drama queen here?

Ade raised a brow.
"Yeah, I know I'm a cad," I gnarled.
She smiled, but it didn't reflect in her eyes nor voice: "Nice that you realize it by yourself,"
"What can I even do? She won't even speak to me... it's like she .. like she hates me,"

It caused unbelievable pain in my chest. The thought that she could hate me... It was worse than all the pain I've ever felt in my life.

"Of course she won't talk to you! It wasn't her who started all of this. Oh, and, by the way, so you'd know guys: silence is a girl's louder cry. We hope it's a sign. It's like .. when I say "don't worry", you better fucking worry. Because the truth is, when we're upset or furious, we just clam up. Like someone's has turned out feelings. We smile while being in a company .. simply to avoid questions. But at the end of the day, we are who we are," Adrianna sent me a ambigous look. "It's the worst at night, when we're completely alone. That's when we break."

She went silent, like thinking about something. I thought about what she had said and didn't make a single sound.
"It's quite terrible, actually. We hope you're gonna make the first step to improve things, but because of your stubborness it can be prolonged, and we don't even notice how it slowly destroys us. Our main problem is, when we fakk in love, we fall hard. And let me tell you, Jason, you have a wonderful girl wrapped around your finger, and you gotta treat her the right way. Because if you won't treat her right, someone else will,"

I still didn't say anything. I couldn't. All she said .. it was so foreign. I was a guy and I didn't understand how I gotta get everything what I should do and so .. It was easy for us .. 'til there's nothing between me and a girl, I'm not obligated to say anything to her.
Duh, why should I?

But when Ade mentioned "someone else", my hands clenched automatically into fists. Just because I couldn't bear with a though about Caro in someone other's arms ...

Adrianna looked at me, accusing: "Oh, you don't say anything. Yeah, you really have no idea what she's feeling. We all can fake our emotions, can't we?"
"Just to think what I'm doing to her .. if it's really like you say .. I don't deserve her. After that behavior I don't even deserve to miss her,"
"Not t´hat. Well, yes, sometimes you act like a total idiot, but you still love her,"

"I don't love her,"
"You can't escape your feelings forever, big bro. And you can't play with her feelings. Tomorrow isn't always guaranteed. Not that it applies to Caro .. she loves you either way..."
"She doesn't love me,"

"Maybe she laughs-" Ah?! "-maybe she smiles. And maybe you'll be surprised at everything she keeps inside. Jason, dear, it's called faking emotions,"
"It still can't be true"
"Well, I think you being a mafioso can't be true,"

"It's not the same," I said through the teeth.
"Some obvious things don't change .. ever,"
"Whatever,"
"If you keep pushing people away, you'll be alone eventually,"

Ouch. "I don't care," What a lie.
"Yes you do,"
Am I really that baldfaced to Ade? "But I have to pretend I don't,"

Ade shook her head wildly. "You can't keep doing that forever, Jason. You have to count with others' feelings, too. Because you can't connect with people if you don't even try to understand them,"
"I can't do anything when Zack's on my back!" I breathed in responce.
I was as angry as a bull, who's being teased with that goddamn red cloth.
"Leave Zack, fuck Zack! Think about yourself .. what do you want?"

It wasn't a question, but my mind was eager to answer...
 I shook my head to get rid of way too pleasurable figment of imagination.
"I don't understand what you want from me. First, you say I gotta think about myself, the next moment you're telling me I gotta consider with others..."
"Caro makes you happy and you have to take into consideration her feelings,"

"Caro, she's .. she's caring. And kind. Selfless. And she makes me want to be different .. better. It's not what I wanted after Jade..."
"Then it's more than obvious you two gotta be together. She makes you happe. That you live, exist .. where are you going?"
"I have to calm down. And I have to think,"

***

Speed. I loved it. And Caro loved also...
I couldn't keep her out of my mind anymore. Not even there. Not even on the speedway where there was no cars at all, so I only speeded up more.
She had occupied my mind stubbornly and wasn't to come out.

It was like cussing: I won't leave you alone till you apologize.
Caro'd definitely say something like that.
And I knew I couldn't resist. Not with my principles nor perfect self-control. While with her it just .. disappeared. Like it never existed.

I hoped to get rid of my thoughts, of her, but I didn't succeed. I managed to be so deep in my thoughts, I found myself back in Orbost. On that certain road that led to the specific house, where  a special girl lived, with whom I had some unfinished business.

***

Caroline

For god's sake. I love street racing, too, but it doesn't mean you gotta ride around at 11 PM. Gosh.

I wanted to close the balcony door, though, but that'd mean the room would be musty, and I couldn't enjoy the full moon and fresh air...
So I stayed where I was. Lying on my stomach on the bed, Angel warming my side - not that I needed it with 25 degrees.. -, eyes on the computer screen.

I missed Jason. He wasn't available once again and .. actually, it was weird. To feel his presence through the screen. But I was the weirdo there..
The whole week we didn't talk, it didn't mean I wouldn't think of him .. he was still in my head and didn't plan on leaving.

It was always like that, but our .. falling-out made it more intensive, just because we didn't socialize at all. It was like .. if you're an alcoholic and you don't drink for a long time. Or a chain-smoker and don't smoke for a long time. Or a drug addict and don't get a dose. Or someone who loves sweets, but don't get them for a long time. Whatever.

But the truth was, you could see it and feel with a heart that I was into Jason. A lot. I wasn't a bit in love, he wasn't just my crush and I simply didn't love him. I was addicted to him. He was my alcohol, smoke, drug .. you choose how to call it.
But if you take him away, I'm a dead meat.

Besides, girls had made it clear to me that Jason WAS love of my whole life and that I should save whatever we had.
Only that why would I be again the one to do the first step?

Sudden movement on the balcony made me jerk.
It's 11 o'clock, the whole house is sleeping already and someone's on my balcony. Sounds nice.
Angel hissed when I stood up, but followed me, though.
I think it's amazing to go to the balcony where someone is, being only in an oversized T-shirt and undies. Mm .. every girl's wish.

I tiptoed to the door silently and peeked outside. But no one was there.
"Caroline," he murmured, but it still caused my cry - brief, though, as his hand on my mouth . "Shh .. it's .. me," he breathed in my ear.
I shut my mouth and he took his hand away.
"Jason," I whispered in response and turned around.

(photos: http://s1164.photobucket.com/albums/q576/LunaeFelis/Alustame%20tyliga%20ja%20tyli%20ise/?action=view&current=bf579af6.pbw&ps=1&t=1343739212)