31.12.11

OMC #22: You must be kidding me, right?

"No, definitely not. No!"
"Why not, Caro, look at yourself and say if you are not worth boys' attention?"

"Did you know that if I even get boys' attention, then only remove the ugly boys? Except you, of course."
"Ugly? "

"Yes. As you see them, then you will understand. Actually you have seen some of them."
"Who?"

"Aidan, Toby, Spencer"
He nodded after each name, as if he pictured them and rated. "You my poor girl ... But it doesn't change the fact that Zack may like you .. or is he ugly as well?"

"Michelle thinks about him better than I, I'd say. I don't like him much."
"And we all know why,"

"You're talking like Cassie,"
"Familiar, however. In some way."

"So you know?"
"That my mother and her aunt are girl friends? Yes, we have once met on a meeting."

"Mh?"
"I don't remember, they had some girl friends get-together,"

"Right, yeah, Cassie told me. But still. Me and Zack? It's not possible."
"Don't cross it out .. even though he hardly has chances,"

"Yes, I don't like him,"
"This, too, but I wouldn't give you to him,"

"Am I a commodity or something?"
"I thought ..."

"I know, I just fooled,"
"Oh, you!"

"Don't, don't!" I laughed, as he began to tickle me.
I tumbled on the couch next to him, because I'm terribly afraid of tickling. Suddenly his face was very close.

"You can't escape easily," I said, after a long, long kiss.
"Nah, I had already this hope,"

"You've always hoped for this. And in fact, you have won."
"You haven't been able to repress you curiosity completely,"

"No, I'm not this good at it yet ... is it now necessary?"
"I would not say that you have asked wrong or unnecessary questions,"

"So I may continue?"
"I thought your questions have stopped,"

"No, I'm just not sure if they are right to ask,"
"Why not?"

"Because I do not think that you remember our conversations ... do you?"
Jason had a big grin on his face. "If you want to say that only girls can remember everything that guys have ever said to them, then you're wrong. I remember very well everything that we've ever talked about."

"Really?"
"Mhm,"

"Wow. I would have never thought."
"Because I'm a boy?"

"Because you're Jason,"
"It sounds like some kind of an insult,"

"No. It sounds like a lifestyle."
Jason's hollow laugh filled room. "Maybe,"

"Definitely,"
"Do you want sherbet?"

"You're really asking that?" I leaned on my elbows, to climb off the couch.
His hands on my waist didn't let me go. "Where now?"

"Shouldn't you bring the sherbet?"
"That's why I'm asking,"

"I need to go to the bathroom,"
"Okay," He kissed me on the cheek once again, releasing my waist.

I headed to the bathroom while he went to the kitchen for our dessert.
The light flashed threateningly, and then went out.

***

The roof. At first glance I thought I am in a completely unfamiliar place. But then I understood.
In Melbourne.

I have been there for a couple of times - Melbourne is very beautiful.
But why am I here? And wasn't I just in the bathroom at Jason's.

Suddenly, it became clearer. I'm at the top of the Crown Casino ... Wait, what?
The problem is that I'm afraid of heights at times. At times, because the roof of a house is okay to be normal, but .. Crown Casino was too much.

***

I kept breathing deeply, leaning on the bathroom wall.
The light was back. "Jason?"

His face was puzzled and worried. "You screamed and I ..." He made a waved his hands in indefinitely way.
"I .. screamed?" I really didn't remember anything about screaming.

"What happened?"
I told him, as someone had done it for me - my voice was so sure. "Something will happen. We have to keep off the height."

"What?" Jason's facial expression was still confused and scared.
"I have to .. sit down,"

He took me up bridal stile without further questions and took me to the living room. Lemon sherbet waited on the table already.

"Tell now, what happened, why were you shouting?"
I took another deep breath. Strangely, I needed time all the time since then. "I had something like a vision. Yes, that's right. I was on the roof of Crown Casino. Just on the top."

"Crown Casino?"
"Melbourne,"

"Yes, yes, I know. I just ..." He shook his head. "Go on."
"I'm not quite sure, but I felt a terrible fear. I had a forevision that something terrible will happen. And the point is that not exactly in Crown, but somewhere .. in the heights at all. On the roof somewhere else."

"Like someone .. jumps down from there?"
"Not just someone." I watched at Jason with my big eyes full of fear . "One of us."
 ***
Melbourne
Crown Casino

29.12.11

OMC #21: New Turn

"Um ..." I wasn't prepared for question like that, "I guess that maybe you will start from the beginning?"
"One morning in August ..."

I understood what was his point. "No, no, I do not think so from the beginning. I guess I also would like to know about .. conception, right. I mean ..." What start I want?
"Naah, I just wanted to tell you my whole life story ..."

"Later." I replied, so I could earn some time. Do I want to hear about his and his girlfriend time together? No. After the break-up? Not quite. Starting from break-up. Yes. "I believe that since the break-up would be  .. nice." I wanted to beat myself. Nice?!

"You know what to choose. You just take on of the most painful period of my life."
"You know, you don't have ..." I started, but because it was Jason's own phrase, he knew perfectly how it ends.

"But I want," he argued.
"Then I'm totally listening," I sat more comfortably.

But he shook his head. "Do you want my work to be bogged down?" He pointed at tasty lasagna.
And who said he can't cook? "But you're gonna escape again. And I promised my mother to be at home by midnight."

"Tomorrow's Saturday," he reminded.
"And Jake's party. Where do I hardly get access to if I will stay longer. I couldn't even get out a whole week. But I told her that we don't have a party every week."

"Yeah... I suppose we will have 4 hours?"
"Something like that,"

"Then we'll eat lasagna now, after that I'll answer your questions later, then sherbet and talking again. And you're home by midnight."
I nodded. "I believe it is,"

***

"I wouldn't like to talk about my former relationship, because, you know, it's personal after all. Moreover, there is not anything important."
"Why did you take ' a break'?"

"I told you - there are things that girl could disturb,"
"And now I don't?"

"I'm trying to cope with it,"
"So I really don't bother you?"

"No, like I sometime told you .. you're the smallest of my problems."
"Am I the problem?"

"No. Do you want to listen, or we're gonna argue more about who you are to me?"
I stared at the table. In fact, I wanted both, but said nothing.

"I suppose it was the first. So. OMG, I don't know what to tell you. Ask something."
"And if I'll ask the wrong question?"

"I can comfort you by saying that the level of false question have gone down, so you are more likely to ask the right question"
"That's really a good thing. Okay, okay." Jason's look told me that there's no point in spending this little time we have. "What are these things that I may disturb?"

"Work,"
I raised my brow.

Jason shook his head. "You don't get it,"
"Jason." I did not like the way he talked. "Wait a minute. I still haven't asked where you are working and what is your profession?"

"Courier," was the short answer.
I had a weird feeling inside. Like some kind of deja vu or something. I ignored it. "Still, how can I bother you about your work?"

Jason looked at me very gravely. "I work part-time, and thus get less money,"
"Oh,"

"But it's best that I can afford now. Besides," he pulled me closer, "I have you and it's much better than I should be working the whole time and without you."
"Aww," I said, and he kissed my forehead.

"You want to know something else?"
"What's wrong with Zack?"

"Again this .. I told you to ask yourself from him. I can't read his thoughts, after all."
"But you're his friend, his best friend. Why does he do that to you?"

"I'm not his best friend. And he's not mine. We're just friends. And why does he? Well, I do not know - maybe he doesn't have his own woman, so he has to do sth with you."
"To do sth with me?"

"You understood, after all,"
"Yep, I did. But still. I don't know, it seems so strange to me."

"Haven't you thought, for example, that ..." Jason grew numb.
"What?" I was intrigued.

"Well, I'm not quite sure what will you think about it,"
"Tell me. I want you to know the end."

"Okay. Have you ever thought that Zack acts like this because .. because he likes you?"

28.12.11

MOA #2: Pöördepunkt


Caro, sa ei tohi temast mõelda, kas tead. Tal on tüdruk, eks ole. Aaaaaga .. ta on endiselt kuum tükk. Okei, stopp, stopp! Mõtle füüsikast parem. Sellest oleks kasulik aeg-ajalt mõelda.

Kõndisin mööda tühje koolikoridore, trepist alla, mind saatmas vaid mu enda kajavad sammud, kui ma kuulsin seda. See oli kõige ilusam kitarrimäng, mida ma eales kuulnud olin. Ja see oli üks mu lemmiklugudest - Nazarethi "Love Hurts"i. Poisihääl laulis peale ka.

"Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
They're not foolin' me
"

Tippisin ettevaatlikult ja vaikselt seina taha, et ta mind ei näeks. Alles siis sain ma aru, kes seda lugu mängib.
Süda hakkas taguma märgatavalt kiiremini. Jason.
Endised piirangud oma meelele olid taas kaotatud. Kui hale.

"I know it isn't true, I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie
Made to make you blue
Love hurts......ooh, ooh love hurts
ooh, ooh love hurts
" 

Tal on imeline hääl, mõtlesin ma, püsides endiselt peidus.
Kuid, nagu kõik head asjad, lõppes lugu paari hetke pärast.

Tõmbasin hinge, sest olin lugu kuulates mõned hingetõmbed vahele jätnud.
Minu puhul tüüpiline.

Piilusin seina tagant ja .. sattusin tema pilgu otsa.
Kohmetusin, lüües pilgu maha.

"Kuidas oli siis?" küsis ta, pannes kitarri enda kõrvale.
"See oli imeline..." ütlesin imetleval häälel, otsekui hõljuksin pilvedes. Armas, nüüd ma jätan endast veel hullu mulje ka.

"Tõesti ?" imestas ta.
"Kindla peale. Miks sa küsid?"

"No .. muusikakoolis öeldi, et see on kohutav. Et ma mängin mustalt ja värki."
"Tegelt? Ma küll ei ütleks."

"Hmm. Paistab, et sa oled suht ainuke. Isegi mu tüdruk ütles, et see on kohutav."
"Siis ta peaks olema segane..." Oh shit, mida ma nüüd ütlesin?! "Ma tahtsin öelda..."

"Miks sa seda seina taga kuulasid?" muutis ta järsult teemat.
Huvitav. Saatsin talle juhmi pilgu.

"Noh, tead küll, sa oleks võinud välja ka tulla - ma ei hammusta,"
"Ma ei mõelnud selle peale kuidagi..." kokutasin vastuseks.

"Ega's siis midagi," lausus ta püsti tõustes.
"Miks sa just sellise loo valisid?" küsisin, järgnedes talle garderoobi.

"Ajad on sellised," lausus ta tusaselt, millest ma järeldasin, et ta ei soovi sellest vestelda.
Hingasin sügavalt välja. "Ooookei," venitasin vastuseks, haarates oma jaki.

End ümber pöörates leidsin, et ta oli läinud. Imelik, mõtlesin tema kiiruse kohta. Tema käitumise kohta mõtlesin hoopis: tüüpiline.

Iseenesest oleksin ju võinud selle peale solvuda. Kuid, teades Jasonit, ma ei suutnud. Ma mõtlesin hoopis, kui piinlik see olukord just oli.
Ma tõesti loodan, et ainult minule.

Sest tol hetkel oli see viimane asi, mida ma tahtsin - et Jason Lockwood saaks teada, et ta tähendab mulle midagi.

***

Koju jõudes logisin end taas facebooki sisse, mis osutus keerukaks, kuna Angel otsustas, et on tõeliselt äge üle mu klaviatuuri edasi-tagasi tippida. Kannatasin teda kõige rohkem 10 minutit, peale mida ta vihaselt eemale tõstsin. Ta sisistas korraks mu peale ja liikus siis rõdule.

Parem ongi. Nii, lõpuks.
Ma ei teadnud, milleks ma tahtsin veel kord seda kontrollida.
Lihtsalt ekraani jõllitamine tõenäoliselt ei aita, mis?

Klikkisin Jasoni kontole, sealt edasi infosse. Kerisin alla, süda vihaselt tuksumas.
Tahaks ma ise ka teada, kuidas süda vihaselt tuksub...

Kuid paari hetke pärast tuksles see juba kiiremini ja mitte vihast, vaid õnnest. Mis sest et mu silmad ei tahtnud uskuda seda, mida ma nägin.
Süda on mul alati loll olnud ja usub kõike.

Jason Lockwood is listed as single.
Jason Lockwood. Is listed. As Single.

Oota, mida? Ei, ei, ei, see ei saa nii olla. Alles hommikul oli ta ju...
Ning siis sain ma pihta.
Love Hurts. "Ajad on sellised,". Kiire lahkumine ilma hüvasti jätmata - mitte et see mittetemalik oleks. Ainult et... Igatahes, jah. See vajab kontrolli.

Mida teha, kui sa tahad kindel olla, kas ühel leheküljel kirjutatu on tõsi? Õige, kontrolli teistelt lehekülgedelt.
Twitter. Kõik kommentaarid tema tüdruku .. endise tüdruku (endiselt küsimärgi all) poolt olid kustutatud.

MySpace. Vallaline. Armas.
Armas võib ta ju olla. Kuid kuidas kuradi pärast see võimalik on?!

***

"Miks sa imestad? Inimesed lähevad lahku, see on loomulik,"
"Ma ei tea isegi. See on lihtsalt nii ..."

"Nii mida?"
"Mul ei ole õrna aimugi,"

"No näed nüüd. Pigem soovitaksin võimalust kasutada. 'Kuumad kutid' ei vedele tee peal, kas tead."
"Ja miks kuumad kutid on jutumärkides?"

"Sest a) see on sinu väljend ning b) sa ju tead, et Jason pole minu tüüp."
"Ohjah,"

"Nüüd mine ja võta ta, tüdruk. Selline on minu nõuanne sulle,"
"Kui vaid see nii lihtne oleks,"

Õigus oli pigem minu poolel (nagu praktika pärastpoole näitas). Esimene probleem oli selles, et Jasonit polnud msnis ja helistama ma talle nüüd küll ei hakkaks. Teine oli see, et mul polnud õrna aimugi, mida ma tegema peaks. Sest poistele külge lüüa ma küll ei osanud.
Haha, kõlas sarkastiline naer mu peas.

26.12.11

OMC #20

"I told you that you should let him run after you,"
"I know, Mom, that's why I did this," 

"You're learning," She winked at me.
"Yeah," 

"So you need a new dress?" 
"The dress? I was about to put jeans and..." 

"Oh no, you have to look nice today. I can do make-up and do your hair, if you want." * My mother works as cosmetician.*
 "It would be nice." I smiled at her, "The dress .. I'll see if I have something." 

I had. We watched though all of my dresses - which I really had a lot - until we found suitable.
 "It is not very formal, but also not casual. What do you think?" 

I whirled myself in front of the mirror. "I like it," 
The dress had black and white dots, black belt below the breasts, it was also flounced and with frills. My mother made suitable manicure, makeup and hairstyle. I was ready to go. 

"Thanks, Mummy," I whispered, hugging her goodbye.
 "Please, please. And behold, you will ..." 

"Yes, Mom, we won't do fool things," I wanted to be added 'yet', but changed my mind. This is personal.

"All right. Well, bye then." 

"Bye," 
Of course, I didn't have to walk, my father agreed to take me there. 

"Have fun," he said as a good-bye. 
"Yes, definitely,"

***


"Hey, you came,"

 "Of course I came. How could you prove yourself, if I hadn't come?" 

Jason, like a true gentleman, hung my coat in the closet. His eyes slipped over my dress.
"Like it?" I whirled in front of him. 

"You look great," He kissed me on the cheek.
I was ready for his next comment, but the smell of burning, coming from the kitchen, stopped me.  "Something  is burning," 

Jason's eyes widened, and he rushed to the kitchen. I tried not to laugh. It's, after all, his first time...
I washed my hands in the bathroom, then headed to the kitchen, to help the poor boy. 

"So, kiamaniere iri?"
 "Uh ... malbona," he admitted. 

"Where can I get an apron?"
 "Not so bad. Seriously, you don't have to..." 

"Where can I get an apron?" I asked strongly. 
He pointed. "Be careful, don't ruin your beautiful dress," 

I liked his caring. "What you have with these aprons?" I pointed at his at first, then at the one I was going to wear.
 "Mother likes different quotes," 

"Yes, very funny. So, what is for dinner?"
 "Lasagna, sherbet," 

"You're joking," Jason's tenacity surprised me.
 "Nope. And it looks like I had chose the right thing." 

"Yeah. So, you need some help?" 
"Sherbet should be re-mixed, in order to avoid crystals," 

I took this delicious treat out of the fridge and mixed it. If being honest, I had never made a sherbet, but after seeing it I was tempted to try.
"So," I said, as the sherbet was back in a freezer, "waiting for further orders, master-chief." 

"This is too much to say, but thank you,"
 I waved my hands, to show I was still waiting for further commands. 

Jason shrugged his shoulders. "Everything is ready." He smiled at me with his bright smile, "Please to the table."
He took my hand and led to a beautiful living room, where he had created a very romantic atmosphere with candles. 

"It seems that you really have experience the girls," I mentioned his previous life. 
He turned a bit serious. "We didn't have anything like this," 

"Why not? Oh, sorry, I'm again ..." 
"It's okay. You know, you should get to know a little more about me." 

My eyes widened. "You're really ready to talk?" 
His hands slipped at my waist. "Not everything, but still. You're worth it. Of course, I also would like to know more about you." 

It was nice to cuddle with Jason again. It helped to forget everything - past, present, future. All my pain as I was waiting .. Stop. I'm currently in the present, not in the waiting past. "I don't believe there's something interesting in me," 

"Or isn't there?"
 "Not something that you have," 

"Each life story is unique, and you cannot say that one is more interesting than other," 
"Or can't I?" 

"No," was his sure answer.
 I raised my eyes - Jason was about 10 cm taller than me. 

"Let's talk while eating. Mademoiselle." Jason waited behind the seat, until I sat on it.
"Don't act the dandy, I study French as well, you know," 

"Or do you?"
 "Jason!" 

His funny laugh filled the room. "Sorry, but it's so addicting,"
 "I know," 

Then Jason became more serious, fundamentally changing the topic. "So, let's start from the beginning, right? What exaclty do you want to know?"

25.12.11

OMC #19: I can be cunning as well

"Thanks for accompanying me," I told Jake at my threshold.
"Always please. Can we go for a walk sometime else?"

"With a big pleasure," I said with a smile. I was lucky that I had found a new friend.
"Good." Jake really liked my answer, "I'll see you at school! And the day after tomorrow at the party." He winked at me.

"I look forward to. Bye!"
I went to my room, to study some physics again. Then I stretch after a long sitting, wondering what I could do next. I was alone again - my brother had dance practice, and parents went with him this time.

I could use the time to be on the web, lying later that I studied or read at that time - my mother was constantly worried that I'm sitting at the computer for too long and ruin my eyesight, even though I actually didn't sit this long. I even had borrowed a book. But "Beautiful Creatures" didn't bind me then.

Then I remembered that I had unwatched 45 minutes from last "Harry Potter" film, because I hadn't bothered to watch it.
C'mon, like 7 films, even 8. You may go crazy if watch all of them.
But now it seemed like the only likeable option.


***

Lunch. Noise around.
How typical. Boring. Oh.

What do all do at school lunch? Yes, of course - the latest gossip (aka who, with who, when, where, etc..), others use it otherwise of course... (Aka, look or better listen, where are you going to avoid get someone caught).
Noise increased again, but I almost didn't hear it. It was more like a background. I ate chicken Caesar, being in fact somewhere else. Jake's words made me think more deeply.

"The Earth is calling Caroline," Michelle called, but this time I was fully prepared for this.
"I'm completely there," I said, smiling, when I swallowed a mouthful of delicious salad.

"At least we have you still here," she continued.
I understood the hint, but didn't comment on it. I would like to see you when you finally have someone ... For example, Craig.
"Ah, Micha, let them be," murmured Cassie, who couldn't ignore what Micha said.

"Well, of course,"
"Naah, Micha, even I got over," I told her.

"Oh God! Then I have to get over it for sure." Michelle pretended an excessive shock.
"Exactly," I murmured.

We heard a cough behind, so our whole table - me, Cassie, Micha, Alasia, Analeigh and Hannah - turned our heads.
"Can we talk, Caro?"

I pursed my lips. "What do you want to talk about?"
"You know, my behavior ..."

I felt the curious glances of girls at us.
"Okay," I looked at my salad plat - Caesar was successfully eaten. Orange juice was drunk as well.

Yes, our school canteen is really enviable.
I stood up and followed Jason, throwing away the garbage as we walked past recycle bin.

"So?" I asked when we were in safe distance, arranging the bag on my shoulder. This suited very well my today outfit: a beige tunic, jeans and dark gray shoes.
"Please, forgive me again," said Jason sincerely, looking into my eyes.

"This time you at least have a reason," I couldn't help being mean a bit.
It touched him, I could see it from crooked being. "You're so mad?"

In fact, I was more scared than annoyed. I had never seen this Jason. I crossed hands. "I am,"
"What am I supposed to do, so you won't be?" Jason took my hands in his.

I looked at them for a moment, but then pulled back, once again crossing on chest.
Jason sighed. "Dinner Today, at 'Abla'? "

My mouth fell open. "You must be joking,"
A wide smile appeared on his mouth. "I suppose it was a 'yes',"

"This is ..."
"I book a table for 8,"

"I have a better idea,"
Jason looked at me suspiciously, but expectantly.

I smiled - my plan was successful. He hoped that the most expensive restaurant in the city can make me forgive him. Sorry, dear, but I have something better for you. Lord, I sound so .. bitchy. "What about you prepare the dinner by yourself?"
"You must be joking,"

Gotcha. "I'm sure more than I wouldn't be mad after that," I said thoughtfully.
I saw Jason growing numb. Yes, the boys in our class really can't cook. No one. That's the point.

"Well, at my house at eight?" the boy explained.
"And you better play fair!"

"I promise,"
"Great," I was pleased with my idea. I gave goodbye kiss on the cheek, because now we had different classes - handicraft and industrial arts.

I waved to him, and at the same time, the girls came to me.
"Well, what's the subject?" Alasia examined immediately.

Can't see any problem in not telling. "We had a little argument, now he's trying to get my trust back,"
"What task did you give him then?"

I get out a little laugh, because I still found my plan hilarious. "He wanted to take me to 'Abla'..."
"No way!" Cassie cried.

"It's the most expensive restaurant in the city," said Alasia.
"Yes, but I declined,"

"You're crazy!" said Michelle.
Even her? Wow. "I thought of something better,"

"What can be better than 'Abla'?" Hannah mused.
"Does anyone of our boys in class know how to cook?" I turned mostly to Analeigh. She just socialized with whole class.

"Level 1 in most cases. Sandwiches, fried eggs .. nothing special,"
"That's right. So..."

"You told him to prepare dinner by himself? You're a genius, Caro," exclaimed Analeigh.
"Or am I?" I asked a large smile.

"Who else would come out with this? I would go right to 'Abla." said Hannah.
"I wouldn't," was a typical response of Micha.

All the rest of us rolled our eyes.
"Let's go now," I called.

OMC #18: Candors

"You didn't tell last time, why you like to take walks in the woods," Jake immediately started a conversation.
"You didn't ask." I evaded from answering immediately. "I actually don't know. I like to walk by the sea. My opinion, you can get some peace, as people don't like to go somewhere in an abandoned place. But I prefer being lonely at times."

"At times?"
"Jason is great,"

"Yes, of course,"
"And you?"

"Huh?"
"Why do you like to walk in the woods?"

"I suppose you've noticed a group of people I socialize with?"
That's obvious, isn't it? "I guess everyone have,"

"Yes, exactly. But, in reality, Idon't like that. .. I'm more like .. Jason."
"But you ..."

"Yes, I know. I just .. this time it all came out again that we were in one company one time and they immediately decided that I'm this guy who likes parties, to socialize a lot etc. Not true, actually. I chill somewhere at times, although I would be more happy to sit at home .. or be here. "
"Why don't you show them your true face?" Coincidence? Again? No.

"It's called: 'have a position in class',"
"This is not an explanation." I argued, "Jason, for example, has his position in the class. Even though he doesn't belong to your .. gang." I couldn't resist the temptation to use their own jargon.

Jake also didn't miss it. "Addictive, isn't it? Um ..  have you heard what they talk about Jason?"
I shook my head slowly. * I knew only what my girl friends talk about him .*

"No. Now, that's why you talk this way,"
"What they talk then?" I still wanted to know.

"I'd rather not ..."
"Please?"

"Are you sure?"
"I do not know ... Is there something very terrible?"

"Decide, whether you want or not, "
"Okay," I breathed in deeply, "Shoot."

"Jason is kinda reserved person. I suppose you know this already. He often tries to show that he is one of us as well. That he attends parties and so on. But that's obvious, it's just a cliche. At least I see it because I'm the same. The difference that I act better. Ah, admit that I do. " he told me after I grimaced.

I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing what to say. I couldn't argue - Jake got the feel of this role very successfully, he tricked us all.

"Even if others can't see the cliche, they know that Jason doesn't like it all. And the fact that he is a loner all the time .. I mean, was until now, then there are very interesting rumors about him."

I looked at him with expectation, but he was quiet. Decided whether to continue or not. Without hearing no objection, he said slowly, "Okay. But you wanted it."
No, no, no. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Don't use my phrases. Okay, if I may ... Whatever, go on.

Of course, nothing was heard by Jake. "Some give aguess that he has a drug or other criminal business ..." he began.
My eyebrows flew close to the hairline. "But this is ridiculous,"

"Or is it?" Jake used another phrase of our class.
I didn't say anything, and he continued.

"Twilight fans, of course, are secretly hoping that he is a vampire, a werewolf,"
I snorted. Partly because I personally thought the same way. Only difference, it was a joke, when nothing better could have come to my mind. "Is there something else?"

"You think it's not enough? And you find it funny?"
Now I help but started laughing. "Come on, really. Jason doesn't take a part in anything criminal, okay. And a vampire or a werewolf? We live in a normal world."

I didn't add my thoughts about it, though.
"In a normal world?"

"Yes. Of course, I certainly believe that the fans would be very happy if there would be vampires, werewolves, fairies, angels, and I don't know which fantasy creature else, but still .. this is our usual harsh reality. But you didn't answer. "
"Well. I'm talking: neither the supernatural or criminal,"

"And seriously nothing more?"
"Nope ... What did you expect?"

"Well, after all, .. I don't know exactly. But I know what he is like. Surely not everyone have to be .. 24/7 party-goers."
"What kind of an insight it was?"

"It wasn't an insight,"
"I guess it was,"

"What insight?"
"Oh, never mind"

"Well, sorry, takes a lot of time to understand. But really. Jason is just a quiet boy who likes to be alone." I shrugged my shoulders. Wait a minute. Since when I discuss my man with someone else besides girls? Shut the hell up, Caroline.
"Yes, I know,"

"Then why don't you tell them anything?"
"People prefer to believe what they want to believe,"

I hadn't any argument against that.

23.12.11

Minu olematu armulugu #1: Armumine

Armastus. Mida nad õigupoolest nimetavad armastuseks? "Armastus on mitmetahuline nähtus ja armastuse mõiste on raskesti defineeritav. Tavakeeles mõistetakse armastuse all eelkõige sügavat kiindumust kahe inimese vahel või erakordset tunnet, mis maailma imelisena paista laseb."

Tõsi ta on, sõnadega ei ole seda võimalik eriti seletada. Seda peab tundma. Ja ka siis ei oska sa seda seletada. Kas on see see moment, kui sa tunned oma südamelööke, mis üha kiirenevad ja kiirenevad? Või kui su peod higistama hakkavad? Või kui kuuma- ja värinatelaine käib üle su keha justkui maavärin?

Suhte jaoks on kahte inimest vaja, ütles ta kord. Aga armastuse jaoks? Ühepoolne armastus. See sakib. Tõesti, kes mõtles välja armastuse? Selleta oleks palju parem olnud. Ei oleks mingit tõmmet, kiindumust .. see kõik oleks lihtsalt .. teistmoodi. Ainult et .. siiski, armastuseta pole võimalik elada. See on meie sisse kodeeritud juba. Armas. Inimesed on nõrgad ning armastus muudab nad veel nõrgemaks. Vähemalt minu muutis.

*** 

Ainuke, mida ma teadsin, oli see, et see polnud armastus esimesest silmapilgust. Kui ma uude klassi (ja samal ajal ka kooli) tulin, tahtsin ma lihtsalt uut normaalset elu. Sest minu elu polnud normaalne peale algkooli. Kuid sellest ma ei räägi. See õudus on läbi, see on tähtis.

Tulles tagasi endise teema juurde - kui ma uude klassi tulin, tundusid mulle kõikide poiste näod ühesugused. Tüdrukutega oli lihtsam - kõik tahavad ju teistest erineda ning kannavad omapäraseid riideid. Okei, ütleme nii, et Cole'iga ühes olevad poisid erinesid teistest samuti. Aga ülejäänud .. puha mustade teksade ja pluusidega. Kaheksas klass pole just päris see, kus poisid tüdrukutele eriti külge löövad (aka erinevad riiete poolest). Ma ütleks, et see algab kuskilt 9. lõpust või nii.

Tema hakkas minu jaoks kõigist erinema kuskil detsembri keskel. Siis sain ma aru, et ta meeldib mulle, kiiresti tuli kiindumus ja siis .., ka suhteliselt kiiresti sain ma aru, et ma armastan seda poissi. Et ma tõepoolest armastan Jason Lockwoodi. Nüüd, kui me temaga juba koos oleme, on tagasi nii imelik mõelda - see oli ju nii ammu, tervelt 3 aastat tagasi. Ja kui palju nende 3 aasta jooksul muutunud on!

Ma rääkisin teile oma viimasest, 3. aastast. Siis kui me Jasoniga käima hakkasime ja kõik nii metsikult muutuks. Mõned inimesed tunnevad ehk ka huvi, kuidas ma nii kaua välja vedasin. Nagu, tõesti, kes ootaks poissi 2,5 aastat? Õige vastus on Caroline Forbz.

Lihtsalt, ma usun saatusesse ja tol hetkel ma uskusin, et need armupiinad pole saadetud mu teele lihtsalt selleks, et mööda minna ja et midagi välja ei tuleks. Pealegi, nagu välja tuli, polnud see kõik niisama. Selle peale ma suurema osa lootsingi. Tasus end ära kah.

Okei, ma laskusin taas sügavikku. Sorry, oli vajadus end jälle 'tühjaks kirjutada'. Mu lemmiktegevus. Okei, siin tuleb nüüd punkt mu jamale. Alustame jutuga.

***

Esimene kord, kui me üldse rääkisime (kuigi ma päris rääkisimiseks seda ei nimetaks, sest seda oli kõige rohkem 10 sõna..., kuid siiski) oli Melbourne'is, veel alles põhikoolis. Esimene aasta, mis ma seal koolis õppisin, esimene reis uue klassiga.

"Saaksid sa mulle, palun, selle nätsu ulatada?" küsis ta, ehmatades mind reaalselt, sest mu süda hakkas otsekohe palju kiiremas tempos tukslema.

Arutasime parasjagu Chaniga, kuhu peale poodi edasi minna, kui see juhtus. Vaatamata sellele, et sellest on tänaseks möödunud juba piisavalt aastaid, mäletan seda endiselt hästi. Samas, ma mäletan kõike temaga seonduvat liigagi hästi.

"Muidugi," naeratasin ma talle, upitades end nätsu järele. "Ole lahke,"
"Tänks,"

Okei, see oli 11 sõna siiski.

Melbourne'is juhtus veel põnevaid asju. Näiteks sama päeva õhtul läksime õhtul mööda kanaleid sõitma, mis oli iseenesest vägagi lõbus kogemus. Arvestades, et meie seltskonna (tol hetkel mina, Chan, Cassie, Micha) taga istus Cole'i seltskond (kui ma õigesti mäletan, siis lisaks Cole'ile olid seal David ja Corey) ning .. noh, jah, tuli välja, et ka Jason istus seal. Ülinunnu.

Öösel oli meil nö. ülestunnistamine, kui me rääkisime igasugustest asjadest, millest tavaliselt ei räägi (tüdrukute jutud, teate küll). Loomulikult jõudsime poisteni välja.

Ma teadsin juba tol hetkel, et Jason meeldib mulle ja värki, kuid, vaatamata tüdrukute pinnimisele (ja uskuge mind, seda nad juba oskavad), jäi mu suu tookord lukku. Ma lihtsalt ei olnud neile valmis sellest rääkima.

Järgmisel hommikul käisime Chaniga varem hommikus söömas, et me pärast saaks veits netis istuda ja tududa. Cassie ja Micha olid samuti meiega, ülejäänud magasid, nii et me olime suht neljakesi. Pärast läksime meie hotellituppa, laadides reisil tehtud pilte arvutisse ja lihtsalt jutustades.

Umbes pool 11 kuulsime uksel koputust. Micha oli uksele kõige lähemal, nii et tema läks seda avama. Ma mõtlesin küll, et meie klassijuhataja tuli ütlema, et me peaks hakkama bussi liikuma, kuid selle asemel leidis Micha hoopis Jasoni ja Zacki (kes tol hetkel oli isegi täiesti normaalne, kujutage ette).

"Samele palus öelda, et hommikusöök lõppeb 10 minuti pärast, nii et..." rääkis Jason.
Omg, mis see siis nüüd on? Kas ta reaalselt ei võinud saata kedagi teist?

"Me sõime muidu juba, tänan," vastas Michelle.
"A, no okei, me lähme siis,"

Jeah, lõbus oli. Melbourne oli reaalselt lõbus.

***

Esimene suvi, kui ma olin armunud, möödus kuidagi. Selles suhtes, et ma ei arvanudki siis, et midagi võib üldse välja tulla. Ma ei arvanud, et ma midagi arendama hakkan. Kuid saatusel olid teised plaanid. Ja niipea, kui algas viimane aasta põhikoolis, algas 'lõbu'.

28. august käisime õpikute järel. Et ma jõudsin sinna varem, kui Micha ja Chantal, jäin veel välja neid ootama. Uurisin parajasti uusi õpikuid (teadmishimuline nagu ma olen .. haha, no!), kui tundsin endal kellegi pilku ja tõstsin silmad. Seal, kolme meetri kaugusel oli tema, tassimas seljakotis enda õpikuid.

Jasoni silmad puurisid minu omi nii, et ma pmst tundsin mingit torget oma südames. See pilk .. see oli midagi erilist. Mitte et ta oleks minuga rääkima tulnud või midagi, kuid jah, see oli midagi.

Kaks kuud koolis möödusid ka (temale mõeldes muidugi), kuid ilma mingisuguste juhtumiteta. Aga asjad hakkasid juhtuma peale seda erilist päeva, kui ma käisin füüsika tööd järele tegemas ja tema kitarrimängule peale sattusin. Jah, see oli murdepunkt.

22.12.11

#17: There's sth inside it

"Don't, Angel," 
But Angel continued to poke me with her little paw. She hated when I cried. 

At least one smart animal who knows that most people don't deserve your tears. These, however, who deserve, they won't make you cry. I always told myself that when someone made me cry. And the truth was that Jason never did. Until now ... 

"Okay, okay." I gave up, then got up and swept the tears. "Enough, right?" 
This answer satisfied her. She sat on my lap, looking very contented. Unfortunately, however, I couldn't keep her on my lap now. I had to go again.

* In the past, when I wanted to be alone, I just went out on the balcony or just sat in my room with headphones. After that, when Jason came into my life, I needed more space. I don't know what it was caused by, but it was this way. In fact, it was useful after all. I started to go out more, to breathe more fresh air. And I felt free. Neither in the forest or by the sea .* 

I put on more comfortable clothes: changed new jeans to the old ones, put on another shirt and of course changed my boots, gothic blues, which I usually put on by going to the forest, - instead of 12 cm high heels, that I had at school. I put on my autumn jacket, also the gloves and a hat. I was ready to go. 

"Where to now?" asked my mother, who dried her hands - probably washed the dishes or something. "Going for a walk," I said, arranging the hat in front of the mirror. 

"This is good, it's good,"
"I'm going now, bye!" 

Without waiting for the mother's response, I stepped out. There was twilight outside again.
It's like a tradition now. Playing "Twilight". I chuckled at my blithering. Although I liked "Twilight", I didn't want to participate in it. My own 'fairytale' is enough. 

Inevitably I started thinking about the previous walk. I wasn't sure if I want meet Jake again. Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid of that .. that I still like him. 

* I have liked Jason for two years, it's third now. It was unique. Previously, I went to another school where I wasn't lucky. I mean, couldn't got along with my classmates, and because of that I was abused. I didn't even know until the end why. They just didn't like me and stuff. I didn't want to act like they wanted me to. But that's it. 

I went to a new school to get peace, a new life. It was easy for me to choose a new school - I knew Cassie and Chantal, so .. it was successful. But this place that I came to start a new life .. Falling in love immediately. It was unique and even funny at times. Cassie and Chan were laughing the whole time, that I know how to be successful. I had to agree with them. I just wanted a new start, not .. Yes, not someone to fall in love with. And the most stupid was that at the beginning I didn't know what to do. Like really, I attend the new class, and immediately start liking someone. This even sounds weird, not mentioning I'm in it. 

But somehow it all just went. At school, we talked a little with Jason, only the closest friends knew about us (I think that they knew that there is sth). In msn, on the other hand, we could talk for hours. I liked it, although I wanted this thing in real life. Digital age. Gradually we began to talk in school, in high school our class became more open and spare. 

Slowly, I became tired. I didn't like to still be waiting. C'mon, two, three years after all. It drove me mad, when a person know that you like him (I didn't tell him about love, he would have sent me to the lunatic asylum, definitely), and just is . Moreover, even Chan and Cassie - those who supported this .. activity - said that I should "leave" him. Chan, not so much because she thought we would make a good couple. Cassie, however, suggested to find someone else, though she had the same opinion that we would be cute together. 

And I found ... Once again, from the class * facepalm *. Now the victim was Jake. I wondered about myself, how I could have chose for my next crush someone who was so different from Jason.

Jason - quiet, tucked in himself, he is surrounded by people he trusts. 
Jake - socializes with almost all class, has a great fellowship, open, parties and stuff like this, is in Cyle's gang. (As I said before, Cyle is kind of a leader of these popular gang in our class, and also in school. Or one of them.) 

Huh, I Jake's character reference was longer. But yes, they communicate, too, but .. However, they are complete opposites. Cassie said: "But it's good that you chose him. You should get some change." She also added that until I wait for Jason (because I couldn't let him go), I can get to know Jake, after all, so far, that it would be easier to choose.

But Jason ruined my plans. In a good way. He made a choice for me. Just that .. questions that I had before, remained still in the air and .. I still wasn't sure if I like Jake or not. 

The thing is that when I started to like Jason, I hoped (like him) it will go past. It didn't. Even more, I would never have thought that I could love him. But for Jake .. I was sure that this boy will be in my heart as deep as Jason. And I was afraid of that, because wasn't sure whether I want it. But, at the same time, I couldn't just let him go.* 

The steps behind me interrupted my thoughts. * It happened to me all the time - I sank deep into my mind. - if I didn't have my mp3 with me. There was no agitator, and thoughts could easily come.* 

"Are you following me?" I asked as I had turned myself around.
"I wanted to ask just the same,"

"Are you kidding me? I'm the second time in the woods and the second time I meet you here."
"You steal my words again,"

"I do not read your mind," I said to dispel his doubts. 
"It's nice you can't,"

"Why?"
"My thoughts would not be .. pleasant for you."

I didn't want to know more. "Okay," Then I remembered that Jason had said this to me as well. Again, the similarities. Judas! And I thought that they are so different. 

He stepped closer to me. I felt once again, how my heart began to beat faster in anticipation. No, stop, stop! There was a battle inside me.

"Are you scared?" he asked.
I assume that he heard my anxious heartbeats. "No," I lied, because I still had a fear inside. Not that he does something to me, but .. something very strange. I do not even know how to explain it.

"Did you know that lying is not nice?"
I was caught? Nope. "I did not ..."

He cut me off. "I can see it from your eyes, that you're afraid. What are you afraid of?" Without giving me time to reply, he continued: "Me? Think I can do sth to you?"
"No," I answered honestly, because I was sure of this - I was not afraid of Jake, nor that he can do something to me. It was a very different fear.

"What are you afraid of then? Or maybe who?" Jake didn't let it be.
"I do not know," I confessed again.

"Try not to think about it. About the fear, I mean." Jake suggested.
I let myself free, trying not to think of nothing. I breathed deeply. "It helps,"

"I know. I always use this."
"When you are afraid?" It was difficult to imagine that Jake is afraid of something. 

"I'm not afraid of anything. Mostly. I use this, if I need to calm down or something."
"Clear,"

"Will you be here for long?"
"I just came. I guess. What time is it?"

"16:02"
"Then I'm only here for half an hour. And I suppose that I am still here for at least as long."

"Then it's nice,"
I decided that nothing bad will happen if I spend some time with Jake. After all, I didn't disallow Jason to socialize with different girls. Moreover, it was not a date or something. "But this time, no one will trouble you?"

"Mh?"
"Well, that phone call ..." I started shyly, remembering how Jake behaved then.

Jake's face changed. "No, no, they won't trouble us," he said in a voice, which didn't allow to discuss this topic anymore.
Well, I wasn't about continuing this. "Then it's nice," I answered with his own words, and we headed to the depth of the forest.

18.12.11

OMC #16: Jealousy or..?

"What Jake wanted from you?" Jason asked, as we walked home together. It was wonderful weather, so we decided to walk.
 
2 km - nothing. 
"Invited to a party on Saturday," I said simply, assuming that Jason knows it already.
"The party?" 

Or not. "You don't know?" I wondered.
"I do." Jason dispelled my doubts, "I wonder why he called you personally?" 

"What?" I watched him with big eyes. What is it now?
"I asked why ..." 

"I heard you." I interrupted him, "Why couldn't he? That's his party."
"Well yeah, but ..." 

"But?"
 "Nothing," Jason muttered. 

"Are you jealous?" I nudged him. 
An uninvited smile appeared on his hase. "Maybe," 

"No way!" I pretended, "Jason and jealous."
 "Why couldn't I be?" He asked then. 

I shrugged my shoulders. "It's not like you actually act,"
"You don't know how I actually act," though he said it jokingly, but I just couldn't resist not to notice the truth behind his words. 

"Yes, sure," I dropped my eyes.
 "Caro, what happened?" Jason was too attentive as always. 

"Nothing, nothing," I pretended being happier than I actually was. He promised to tell. He fulfills his promise. Let's evade the issue.
 "But in reality?" 

"But in reality it is like this," I said finally.
 "So you won't tell me?" 

"No," I said sharply. I kept a civil tongue, and didn't add "like you". We didn't need another 'dispute'.
"Okay," Jason pretended indifference, even though I knew that he actually wanted to know. 

* He always did, just that I always got it wrong. His usual "okay" in msn was only a mask, with what he tried to hide his care. Why? Because he was Jason, who had a lot to hide. Nothing criminal, of course not, but he just wanted it to be this way. Don't open yourself to too many people that they couldn't use it against you. That's the way he said it. So I said to myself.

Although sometimes I wanted him to tell me more. After all, it was so interesting to me. But I had learned to tame curiosity. Like him.

Now, however, I had learned sth new. Being with a boy who constantly hides his real feelings, I had to learn reading people. And I did it. Not at all, because then I would have read his thoughts. No, I just learned how to feel him out, because it was how relationships work. I learned to understand what he hides when he says that it was 'nothing'. And that is why I felt different, special. I was sure that every girl would tolerate him, because he was so secretive. They couldn't understand what he hides, and would find themselves someone easier. But I have .. I liked mysteries. But I liked them if I could understand them.*


"Seriously, nothing happened," I said after a long pause of thought.
"Yes, yes, of course," Jason was still muddy. 

I stopped, pulling his sleeve to make him stop.
"What?"

"Do you really want to now?" I asked straight out.
He closed his eyes. "Yes," he answered, opening them again.

"Okay," Now it was my turn to shut and open my eyes. "But you wanted it."
He examined me intently. Waited for the answer, saying nothing.

"You said I do not know how you actually act. You were joking, I noticed it. But I didn't take it as a joke." 
"What do you mean?" 

"This. Sure I don't know how you actually act. I do not know most of you."
 "Yes, but ..."

"Yes, but. You promised, I know. But you also wanted to know, so ..." I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing what to do now.
Jason was silent, but once I understood what he meant.

"You wanted it," I repeated stubbornly, even though I realized that I should have resisted the temptation and tell him. The next moment I regretted it even more. 

"I'm aware of what I wanted!" he shouted.
I took a step back. What the hell is wrong with both of them?!

Unlike Jake, however, Jason remained angry. I was afraid to stay with him. I wanted to get out of here. Safe distance. 

Fortunately, my house was only one km to run. I started running. Fortunately, I couldn't hear the steps behind me.

***


I got to the doorstep. I tried to catch my breath, because I wasn't used to the run. I didn't like the sport. And running with heels? I wasn't about participating in stiletto run.


I was still appalled by Jason's sudden anger. I even didn't tell him anything. I mentioned only that he wanted .. rubbed his nose in it, actually. I needed more air. No, no, he couldn't understand it this way. Couldn't, it wouldn't be Jason. But what is wrong with him then?!

While leaning on the door, I glided on the floor. I covered my eyes with hands. I just can't. 

* I hoped for something special when he finally 'yes', said. It meant so much to me... I hoped that he eventually opens up to me. Not entirely, of course, but at least something. At least the most important. Or he thinks it's not important enough? He cannot do that. But questions remain ... My questions weren't answered.*

I stood up, because firstly, I didn't want to ruin my beautiful coat and jeans, and secondly, I came to the conclusion that there is no point to think about it, as I can't understand it. At least alone.

I did this in time, because the door opened and my mother was standing on the threshold.
"Caroline," my mother murmured in surprise, "you came early today."

"German was canceled," I said simply.
"Okay,"

I walked calmly inside, not showing off my real feelings. I have done it for a long time. I took my boots off, hung beanie hat, scarf and coat in the wardrobe. Gradually I took my gloves off. 

My mother had gone to the kitchen, so she did not notice my delay.
"The food is ready," she called. 

"Okay," 

Mother had made Pasta Carbonara. I ate quickly, so I could run in my room with the problems. Fortunately, today, my mother didn't ask how was school.

As I had reached my room and closed the door, I fell on the bed and the tears started falling.
I didn't fulfill my promise.