"What Jake wanted from you?" Jason asked, as we walked home together. It was wonderful weather, so we decided to walk.
2 km - nothing.
"Invited to a party on Saturday," I said simply, assuming that Jason knows it already.
Or not. "You don't know?" I wondered.
"I do." Jason dispelled my doubts, "I wonder why he called you personally?"
"What?" I watched him with big eyes. What is it now?
"I asked why ..."
"I heard you." I interrupted him, "Why couldn't he? That's his party."
"Well yeah, but ..."
"Nothing," Jason muttered.
"Are you jealous?" I nudged him.
An uninvited smile appeared on his hase. "Maybe,"
"No way!" I pretended, "Jason and jealous."
"Why couldn't I be?" He asked then.
I shrugged my shoulders. "It's not like you actually act,"
"You don't know how I actually act," though he said it jokingly, but I just couldn't resist not to notice the truth behind his words.
"Yes, sure," I dropped my eyes.
"Caro, what happened?" Jason was too attentive as always.
"Nothing, nothing," I pretended being happier than I actually was. He promised to tell. He fulfills his promise. Let's evade the issue.
"But in reality?"
"But in reality it is like this," I said finally.
"So you won't tell me?"
"No," I said sharply. I kept a civil tongue, and didn't add "like you". We didn't need another 'dispute'.
"Okay," Jason pretended indifference, even though I knew that he actually wanted to know.
* He always did, just that I always got it wrong. His usual "okay" in msn was only a mask, with what he tried to hide his care. Why? Because he was Jason, who had a lot to hide. Nothing criminal, of course not, but he just wanted it to be this way. Don't open yourself to too many people that they couldn't use it against you. That's the way he said it. So I said to myself.
Although sometimes I wanted him to tell me more. After all, it was so interesting to me. But I had learned to tame curiosity. Like him.
Now, however, I had learned sth new. Being with a boy who constantly hides his real feelings, I had to learn reading people. And I did it. Not at all, because then I would have read his thoughts. No, I just learned how to feel him out, because it was how relationships work. I learned to understand what he hides when he says that it was 'nothing'. And that is why I felt different, special. I was sure that every girl would tolerate him, because he was so secretive. They couldn't understand what he hides, and would find themselves someone easier. But I have .. I liked mysteries. But I liked them if I could understand them.*
"Seriously, nothing happened," I said after a long pause of thought.
"Yes, yes, of course," Jason was still muddy.
I stopped, pulling his sleeve to make him stop.
"Do you really want to now?" I asked straight out.
He closed his eyes. "Yes," he answered, opening them again.
"Okay," Now it was my turn to shut and open my eyes. "But you wanted it."
He examined me intently. Waited for the answer, saying nothing.
"You said I do not know how you actually act. You were joking, I noticed it. But I didn't take it as a joke."
"What do you mean?"
"This. Sure I don't know how you actually act. I do not know most of you."
"Yes, but ..."
"Yes, but. You promised, I know. But you also wanted to know, so ..." I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing what to do now.
Jason was silent, but once I understood what he meant.
wanted it," I repeated stubbornly, even though I realized that I should have resisted the temptation and tell him. The next moment I regretted it even more.
"I'm aware of what I wanted!" he shouted.
I took a step back. What the hell is wrong with both of them?!
Unlike Jake, however, Jason remained angry. I was afraid to stay with him. I wanted to get out of here. Safe distance.
Fortunately, my house was only one km to run. I started running. Fortunately, I couldn't hear the steps behind me.
I got to the doorstep. I tried to catch my breath, because I wasn't used to the run. I didn't like the sport. And running with heels? I wasn't about participating in stiletto run.
I was still appalled by Jason's sudden anger. I even didn't tell him anything. I mentioned only that he wanted .. rubbed his nose in it, actually. I needed more air. No, no, he couldn't understand it this way. Couldn't, it wouldn't be Jason. But what is wrong with him then?!
While leaning on the door, I glided on the floor. I covered my eyes with hands. I just can't.
* I hoped for something special when he finally 'yes', said. It meant so much to me... I hoped that he eventually opens up to me. Not entirely, of course, but at least something. At least the most important. Or he thinks it's not important enough? He cannot do that. But questions remain ... My questions weren't answered.*
I stood up, because firstly, I didn't want to ruin my beautiful coat and jeans, and
secondly, I came to the conclusion that there is no point to think about
it, as I can't understand it. At least alone.
I did this in time, because the door opened and my mother was standing on the threshold.
"Caroline," my mother murmured in surprise, "you came early today."
"German was canceled," I said simply.
I walked calmly inside, not showing off my real feelings. I have done it for a long time. I took my boots off, hung beanie hat, scarf and coat in the wardrobe. Gradually I took my gloves off.
My mother had gone to the kitchen, so she did not notice my delay.
"The food is ready," she called.
Mother had made Pasta Carbonara. I ate quickly, so I could run in my room with the problems. Fortunately, today, my mother didn't ask how was school.
As I had reached my room and closed the door, I fell on the bed and the tears started falling.
I didn't fulfill my promise.