Открой моё сердце # 4

 "Jason," I wrote back stubbornly. After a few moments after I expleted myself - didn't I by myself write him so if I needed something important from him? Wait a minute .. important?

"We need to talk,"
"We are talking now," I didn't understand what was wrong with me. After all, I knew that he wanted to tell me something. Why do I act like this then?!

"No, not so. Like really. In real life, you know?"
I thought the moment. "Why?" I asked the dumbest question ever.

"Caroline." he repeated my name again, "You did something very clear to me today."
"What do you mean?"

I imagined him half-smiling as he wrote: "You don't appreciate what you have until you've lost it. Forever." 
"What do you mean by that?"

"Tomorrow. After school. Your favorite place."".. okay?"
"See you then,""Bye,"

I gazed at the computer screen for several minutes. Now, what an actual fuck happened? I scrolled the conversation up and down, as well as my thoughts back. What is going to happen tomorrow?

When Jason wrote to me "your favorite place," I knew immediately what he meant. 

The sea.

* I also like to go for a walk in the forest, whereas the back of my house was forest, beautiful forest, but the sea .. it was like there was something that connected me with sea. And when it comes to the association, apart from the wolves, full moon ... I loved nature. I liked all that was hid there. Although I hated the insects, for example. But I did not pay attention to it. In the forest or the sea, I could spend hours, maybe even days, if only I could. I should try it someday.*

But now, not mentioning that I headed to my favorite place, I headed to a date there .. with the person I .. loved.

* I knew how crazy it is and how confused it sounds. But it was true. Even if I had not really talked with him at all .. as Alasia, said: "You don't actually even know him." She was right. But still .. this did not stop me to love Jason. And also, I was thinking recently that I should leave him. That there's no point in keeping waiting and waiting. Besides, I had someone else on the horizon now .. :D But .. as I've said all along: "Forget someone you love is the same as remember someone you have never met." *

I sat on the hill by the sea, kicking my heels and nervously watching the clock.

Where is he?

Then it hit me. He was a long time in Tunisia. Follow-up work, of course. I let the sun caressl my face. Why he asked to a meet today? 

I felt someone's hands on my eyes. How soft and tender ...

"Guess who," Stranger murmured in my ear, though he wasn't as stranger as I thought. 
"Jason," I called happily and looked behind myself.

There he was, wearing a jacket and backpack untidily on one shoulder. 

"You came finally .. I thought that you have already forgotten ..." I continued the discussion, marveling at my courage.
Perhaps, however, I will be able to speak with him irl normally?

"I wouldn't forget such a thing," he replied carelessly. "Let's go for a walk?" He offered, beckoning on a long sandy beach, which extended to us
"Gladly," I agreed and stood up.

We walked for a very long time, in silence. I was thinking that maybe he should start talking or something, but I kept my thoughts for myself. Ultimately, who was I to tell him what he should do? His thoughts, however, remained shut to me.

"I have to give you something," said Jason in a long time.I turned my curious eyes to him. He fumbling in his pocket for a while, until he took out something small.

"I suppose it's yours," he said, took my hand and put on my palm something that was from metal.
"Oh, you can't be serios! You found it on! " I cried happily, when I discovered what he had put on my hand. It was a few months ago lost plate with printed wolf paw and script "Wolf Girl". Wolves, yeah.

"How did you find it?" I asked, fixing the plate to my charming bracelet. 
He looked straight. "I found it someday. I knew though, it's yours, but .. I wanted to keep it in memory or something. "

"In memory?" I couldn't get the point. 

He looked at me reprovingly. "Sorry, but it's over?"
"Oh," I looked away, blushing. "It was ..."

He took my hand again, but this time just to hold. "You do not need to justify, Caro. 'Cause I have never done it before. " 

I looked at him again. "True it is," I agreed.

We sat on the sand, allowing the sun to warm ourselves up. 
I better begin by myself. "Jason?" I asked tentatively."Yes?"

"Why did you invite me here, if we have sat in silence for so long?"
 "Because I do not dare to start" he admitted.

"Okay, I'll start." I said, actively and intently watching the boy. "Tell me first of all, what am I? Who am I?"
 ".. You're a girl," he said
Nice -.-

"Please," I  whispered a word I always used when I needed sth from him - really needed - and put my hands on his shoulders to make him look at me, "answer. Who I am for you? Just a classmate? Classmate who ... " I didn't finish the question. For two reasons.

First, he already knew the answer, "A classmate who loves him so desperately." No, not really. He knew I like him. A lot. He did not know about love. As I know. Second, I noticed my hands that got on his shoulders in a gust of emotions.

"Oops," I murmured, and began to pull hands but, but he took them in half-way into his. I silently stared at our hands.

Our hands. It sounded .. enticingly.

This is something new. He never looked for a contact with me outside of MSN. And even in MSN only sometimes. At the same time .. it may be his first step.

"So you want to make me say it?" he asked with a chuckle in very his voice. I-am-a-different tone.
"Yes," I said firmly, "I want to hear everything I should. What I wanted to hear for a long time. Sorry." Again, I felt blush over my cheecs because of the selection of words - he must not know how I feel .. At least not as long as ... I coughed.
"I just wanted to say that I want to hear everything you want to say to me. I want to hear the truth."

He chuckled again. I looked at him expectantly. "I told you that I need ..."
"Unintentionally interrupted him. "Jason, what do you need? More time? Tell me straight out. Please." Last word faded.

I can't stand it anymore. I took my hands, not actually wanting to. It makes no sense. Never did.

"I understand," I continued my thoughts, "I was too pushy ... You gave me too much hope. I remember. But, Jason .. I can not help that  it happened. I'm happy about that. No one can actually stand their emotions. But .. I can't stand it anymore. I can not wait forever. And I can't ask you for just being with me, no matter what I feel. So tell me .. the truth, please. .. Leave me .. or love me. " The words flow out of the mouth by themselves. All I ever thought, when it all began .. absolutely everything. I even did not stop myself.
He had to know.

"What is this "that/it" you mention all the time?" Jason looked at me intently."Oh, you guys!" I said offendedly and started to go away.
"Hey, honestly, don't tell me now that you have always understood what I had said." He winked at me, but my face was wry. However, he is right.

I sighed quietly, even though I knew everything is gonna be this way.

"You really want to know?" I breathed deeply in and out. "This is love, Jason."


Открой моё сердце #3: Кому, Зачем?

Кому ...

Глупая, ну хочешь - плачь
Я буду за руку тебя держать
Больно, я то знаю где
На самом дне души, что не достать

Те, кому мы не нужны
Каждую ночь без стука в наши сны

Так скажи мне, правда чья
Нам - это боль, а им Господь - судья

Они нам дуло к виску
Они нам вдребезги сердца
А мы за ними во тьму
А мы за ними в небеса

Они нам реки измен
Они нам океаны лжи
А мы им веру взамен
А мы им посвящаем жизнь

Кому, зачем?
А мы им посвящаем жизнь
Кому, зачем?

Ждать звонка и не дышать
Что же ты делаешь? - Ему не жаль
Глупая, ну хочешь - плачь
Я буду за руку тебя держать

Что же это по щеке
Учишь меня, да только сердце с кем
Так скажи мне, правда чья
В клочья душа, но им Господь - судья

Они нам дуло к виску
Они нам вдребезги сердца
А мы за ними во тьму
А мы за ними в небеса

Они нам реки измен
Они нам океаны лжи
А мы им веру взамен
А мы им посвящаем жизнь

Кому, зачем?
А мы им посвящаем жизнь
Кому, зачем?

Они нам дуло к виску
Они нам вдребезги сердца
А мы за ними во тьму
А мы за ними в небеса

Они нам реки измен
Они нам океаны лжи
А мы им веру взамен
А мы им посвящаем жизнь

Кому, зачем?
А мы им посвящаем жизнь
Кому, зачем?

А мы им посвящаем жизнь
А мы им посвящаем жизнь

"And he?"
"Ah, you know - ran up to me," I got a little angry. Chantal really hope that there was hope
for 'us', that I and Jason may succeed. I really want to hope so, but...

"Hey, I'm just trying to help!" Chan got offended.

"I really don't think that analyzing helps. He may has similar character as you, but he is still
Jason. Jason, who is so unpredictable."
"I don't think he is unpredictable," she murmured thoughtfully. Okay, didn't murmur as we
talked on MSN, but I knew that she would have done so.

"Really? Then tell me whether there's a point or not? "
"Caro ..."

"See! You can't."
"I was talking about other things,"

"No," I turned my head as she could see my face. "There is no other things. Everything is
all the same."
 "But it's not..."

"No, Chan, enough. I shouldn't started .. to talk about it again ... I'm going to study now.
Bye." I closed the MSN window, not waiting for a response.

Obviously I didn't go to study. Instead, I opened curtains and a window, then went to the
balcony. Fresh air filled my lungs.

I sat in a wicker chair and started thinking again.
So... What do we have? I kind of blackguardized him  .. After what he again haven't come to MSN. Like he always do. And then I feel guilty. Even if there is no reason ...

 "But I do not want to feel guilty," I murmured to myself.
I hugged Angel who walked out on the balcony.

"Do you think I should leave him?"

 "Yeah, sorry. There's nothing between us. I rephrase the question. Should I stop hunting him?"

 "You think so?"
She meowed again.

"I don't think so,"
 Angel jumped off my lap and went back into the room haughtly.

'Fine then! " I shouted to her. At the same time my phone rang.

"Hey, Alasia!" I said into the phone.
"Hey, Caro. I'm trying to catch you on MSN for hours. Where are you?"

"Eh .. outdoors?"
"Oh, so you,"

"Wait, I'll be right there,"I pressed the red button, stretched myself and sat on the bed,
putting laptop on my lap.

"Hey," I wrote to Alasia.
"Well, finally, what did you do?"

"Hung out outside and thought," I replied honestly.

"There is no one to think about but him,"
"Oh, poor you. How many times do I have to tell you that you deserve better?"

"Oh, do not become Michelle"

"At least you aren't this straightforward,"
 "I did the level, didn't I,"

"She is insuperable. Like..."

"Forget it,"
"Ok, I got it,"


"You wanted something, too? 'Cause I'm sure you didn't write me as you can read my mind... Can't you?"
":D Who knows, who knows. Actually, I really wanted some help with computer."
"Uh-uh. Well, shoot."

It turned out that she needed to make another formulas' table in Excel. We completed it, then chatted a bit (of course, she asked if something happened between us, so I told her about today bus incident).

Alasia suggested that perhaps it can change something, opens his eyes or sth like that, but I doubted. I really don't think that there's sth I can do about it anymore.

Again, I was thinking for a long time, considering the pros and cons of my choice, and
listening to Evanescence - Lies on the background when I heard another song that messaged me about incoming MSN messages. I peeked at the control panel and saw ..  nothing more but Jason's letter. 

Открой моё сердце #2: Одиночество любви

Everything is as it was before. Everything between us is as before. No, rather that there's nothing between us.

"Caroline!" Teacher's harsh voice brought me back to reality.
I looked at her innocently. "Yes?"

"Answer, please,"
I hesitated. What were the topic of the lesson? Uh .. Antique?

Chantal who was my desk-mate in Literature turned her head and whispered silently, "Anaximandros,"

"Anaximandros' principle was that the Earth stands still, because it's in an equal distance from all things that surround the world - all the other planets revolve around it. The earth is spherical, and he also compiled the first map of the Earth. His student Anazimenes..."

"Enough, thank you, Caroline," Teacher's voice was a shade lighter as I told the necessary information.

I breathed in a sigh of relief. "Thank you," whispered silently Chantalile, who smiled in response.

So, what could I do? I've done enough already ... Oh, why it still remains this way?!

The bell rang, and everyone began packing their stuff hurriedly. I got up slowly and put a pencil case and literature notebook in my school bag.

"Where are you heading today?" asked Cassie who was waiting for us in the wardrobe.
"Home?" I suggested.

"Mojito drink?" Michelle offered.

"Home," answered Alasia and Chantal.
"Today is Thursday after all. But we should do something interesting tomorrow." I said, looking at girls.

"With him," said Alasia silently.

I let out a sigh. "Maybe we won't talk about it?" I knew that Jason was somewhere behind me, but I really didn't want to discuss this topic. Perhaps it would be better to leave it all?

"Caro, did you really sober down?" Micha started (Michelle) her typical story.
I shouldn't even have thought about this.

"No," I answered firmly, "and I'm going home now." I put the coat on and they left them to the dressing room.

They are glaring at me. There was no need to even turn around to verify this. I'm talking about him far too much.
*I cursed myself a lot because of mentioning a certain person. But as soon as I joined the chat, there were always some case or example which contained him. Awkward.*

I turned around.

"Wait for me!" Chantal called.
I waited for her, and together we started moving towards the terminal.

"They talked again about how much I mentioned Jason, didn't they?"
"Um ..."

"Chan, answer honestly,"
She didn't began to swirl. That was one of the things I liked about her the most - she never lied to me in this case. "They were more talking about how to make you two dating. You know that Cassie's ..."

"Yes, her aunt is Jason's girlfriend's mother. So what? I don't think embroiling mothers will be a good idea." This is ridiculous. Seriously.
"I just suggested ..."

"I know that you want to help. Sorry."
"Forget it,"

"Did they tell anything else?" I continued exploring.
"Well. Micha began telling  how much she's tired of this, you know."

Nodded. "This is Micha,"
"Alasia and Cassie regard normally to it. They don't like Michelle's behavior, neither, we can't change her."

"Yeah, right. But anyways, I should apologize. I don't even ask about yours life, just keep all the time "Jason, Jason, Jason. "No, even more like Cassie said: "All the day along it is just  "Jason, Jason Jason, J-A-S-O-N" and from the beginning. '"

"Hahaa, c'mon, you like him a lot, it's natural," laughed Chantal.
"Chan ..."

"Oh yeah. I know."
"Although it is illogical?"

"Yes. As far as I have .. uh .. considered yours conversations and relationship between them, I think that you can love him. Even if it is unilateral and stuff, though. Or at least we think it is unilateral  .. You never know what's on Jason's mind after all. "

"Yes, kind of. Anyway, you need to talk again or something."

"I'm not going to write to him again!"
"Yeah, but .. you have to do sth. Besides, do not forget about Zack."

"He is kinda impossible to forget"
"There's definitely something wrong with him,"

"Yes. It is. He has a need to talk to other people's secrets."
Chan nodded. "Incompetent,"

"And Jason also says that 'til he doesn't lie, everything is fine. How could he be so calm?!"
"Caro ..."

"Don't, please,"
"He is 3 m away from you,"

"So what? He already knows everything."
"Almost everything"

"But you said that we have to talk again,"
"But not if there's Zack next to him, right?"

I stayed silent. "You're right,"
"I turn away from here now," said Chan, referring to minibus stop.

"Bye," I said, and continued my journey.


I turned my head and saw Jason sitting right next to me.
 "Hey?" At the end, I changed my tone of voice, that it wouldn't sound as a question. "Don't you go with another bus?"
He half-smiled. "Are you jealous?"

"That only you can take your bus?"

WTF was it now? I raised brow. "It wasn't funny,"
"I'm not in joking mood today,"

"Then you shouldn't have even start .. You didn't answer,"
"I'm working out today," His voice became more pleasant and more common. "And, btw, you have taken my bus a lot."

"There are lots of people from our class who rides on your bus  .. and the answer is the sea,"
"What you have with the sea?"

I turned my gaze at the same time as the bus passed by my favorite places - along the sea. "It makes you free. Frightens off sadness and loneliness."
"You're sad .. and lonely?"

Turned my eyes to look at him. "Am I not?"
"Caro, please don't start again,"

I rolled my eyes. "I know," I mumble.
"After all, I promised you,"

"What no?"

"You didn't promise me anything. You said 'maybe'. This doesn't mean anything."
"You don't believe me?"

"I'm tired." Because of his questioning gaze, I continued, "From all of this. Tell me, wouldn't you be tired if you liked someone so madly, but they didn't like you? And then you'd have to see them every day and sometimes even talk to them .. and my stop."

"Caro, wait!" He tried to stop me.
"Forget about what I said right now. You have more important things to do."

Emanated the bus I headed toward the house.
No. I can't go home. I touched gently my cheeks - they were wet because of the tears. Now I'm crying?

I turned around and started moving back to the city.
No, not to the city. There. Towards the sea.

Знаки вопросы
Где и с кем мы проснемся утром?
Крик одиночества любви
Летит над миром...

Маленькие мальчики загибают пальчики
Маленькие девочки верят им ага (ага)
Надевают платьица и в машинках катятся
От кого-то прятаться с кем-то до утра

(А после,)
После нажмём на пульте кнопку
И в рай легко и ловко
Ковровая дорожка кривые зеркала
Ну а кого мы любим
С тем никогда не будем
Зачем же мы забыли что мы люди?

Отпусти свой крик
К полюсам Земли лети

От Москвы до Нью-Йорка
Сквозь открытые окна
Без адреса летит над миром смотри
Этот крик одиночества любви

От Москвы до Нью-Йорка
Сквозь открытые окна
Без адреса летит над миром смотри
Этот крик одиночества любви

Мальчики и девочки забивают стрелочки
Обещает радио пятница ура
Беленькие ленточки проникают в клеточки
Каждый раз уверены что любовь пришла

(А после,)
После нажмём на пульте кнопку
И в рай легко и ловко
Ковровая дорожка кривые зеркала
Ну а кого мы любим
С тем никогда не будем
Зачем же мы забыли что мы люди

Отпусти свой крик
К полюсам Земли лети

От Москвы до Нью-Йорка
Сквозь открытые окна
Без адреса летит над миром смотри
Этот крик одиночества любви

От Москвы до Нью-Йорка
Сквозь открытые окна
Без адреса летит над миром смотри
Этот крик одиночества любви

Открой моё сердце #1 (in English)

So, for now, I decided to tranlate my best story (for now and in my opinion) to English, so you don't have to bother yourselves with google translate if you want to read my story (although, as I understood now, it's not this bad as I thought). Enjoy :)


Ghastly steps echoed in the hallway. I was hopelessly late today.
To chemistry, yeah! -.-
"Hello. I'm sorry, I ..." I started, but the chemistry teacher interrupted me."Oh, have we finally reached the place?" he flatters.
Like ... fur realz. I belated to Chemistry for the first and last time. "But I ..."

"You do not argue with me. Shut up and sit in your place." He shut my mouth again.
"In fact, you shouldn't behave this way," said Jason.

"I'm sorry?" Teacher found a new victim. First of all, NO! Not him. Secondly, you protect me? :O
"Yes. Caro belated for the first time and you start
quarreling with her?" said Jason.

In turn, I looked at Jason's and the teacher.

Should I sit? 
Eyes measured the distance from the door to my place.
A little much.
In fact, I had never thought that the distance to my place (which was in the middle of the class) were so far.
Except this time. 
"You do not talk to me like that!" he shouted, "Both to the headmaster!"Class immediately began to buzz. I looked at Zack.
Yes, that's what I thought - grinning like a horse.
I frowned in frustration.
So this is how we handle our best friend, huh?
"Okay," Jason said quietly, and stood up. "We're doing it.

How he managed to keep calm?

He kept the door for me and we moved down.

I breathed slowly in and out. I haven't talked  to Jason in real life a lost, just once, when we had some "public benefit work" to do (which consisted of
cleaning art class), but spoke freely on MSN.
-.- Oh, the digital age, "Thanks," I said quietly.
Jason looked up at me. "For what?" He made a break and I was beginning to answer when he went on: "He acted inappropriately with you."
"Yeah, .. but others simply sat and were silent.""They are different. I'm not." she said.
I wanted to tell him that I know how special he is, but how would it sound? "Yeah, Jason, you know too well what you mean to me, of course, I know you're special ."... No way. Instead, I smiled to him, because, to my great astonishment, he was still looking at me. Actually .. I'm used to this (that he watches me), but like so far? Usually, it was more like a short glimpse .. or sometimes something longer.

"Why were you late today at all?" He asked then.I bit my lip. "I ..."

He noticed my hesitation and said, "You don't have to answer if you don't want to,"I breathed a sigh of relief. "I don't want to, actually."
"I think we should take our stuff now, huh?" I asked Jason after 'visiting' the headmaster.

*Surely he didn't tell us anything special - he already knows our chemistry teacher "education manners". He suggested that we should try to socialize with him normally and so on. As you understood, nothing special.*
"Yes, although, I don't want to go there at all,"I half-smiled. "Who do?"
Silence descended between us. I didn't like it, either, but I had no idea what to say or do.

It have always been this way. I sighed quietly, but he noticed it.
"What's wrong?""No, I just .. ah, never mind," I answered again with one of these sentences I used, when I didn't want to talk about sth.

"As you wish," His response was unusual.
He have never asked anything when I answered him so, but now he .. sounded disappointed.
We entered the chemistry class silently - the teacher was bustling laboratory at the same time - and left the class quickly. This time separately.

Your typical behavior, ofc.

I came to class the next class - it was the math - and momentally was surrounded by my best friends - Alasia, Michelle, Cassie and Chantal were waiting for a response.
I looked at them, tired. "What are you waiting for?" I asked gently, even though I would liked to bark at them. But it would have made mood even worse.

Alasia winked at me. "You were alone with him, what were you two talking about?""Nothing of what I would have liked or expected from him." I replied, glaring at the table, "You know what he is like. I need some time and so on?"
"Ah, you have to leave him alone!" Michelle said in her most usual voice. I'm-not-really-interested-in-voice. "Find yourself someone better."
Chantal nudged her with an elbow. "Michelle!""What?" She snapped at us, "Am I not right then?"

We said nothing, because we knew the answer. She is right.


Открой моё сердце #39: I don't love you

"See murraks su südame..." turtsatas ta, "Aga kas sa oled kunagi teistest mõelnud? Sul muud ei olegi kui 'Jason, Jason, Jason'! Maailm justkui keerlekski tema ümber ainult. Oled sa kunagi mõelnud kellegi teise tunnetest?"

Tardusin, vaadates Jake'ile ehmunult otsa. Mis. See. Just. Oli? "Millest sa räägid, Jake? Muidugi ma arvestan teiste tunnetega..."

"Kas tõesti?" muigas ta mõrult ja lähenes mu näole, et mind suudelda.
Tõukasin ta kergelt eemale. Mitte sellepärast, et tahtsin talle haiget teha, aga ma ju just ütlesin midagi!

Pealegi, ma ei tundnud tema vastu midagi... Ja mul oli poiss olemas!

"Näed, sind ei huvita,"
"Mida sa..?"

Ja siis sain ma pihta. Jake ei rääkinud üldiselt teiste tunnetest. Ei, ta rääkis enda omadest. Ja antud juhul tähendas see, et...

"Sa .. ma .. meeldin .. sulle?!" piiksatasin ma viimase sõna.
Jake hakkas aeglaselt ja sarkastiliselt plaksutama. Nagu Joker "Batman"ist. "Braavo, sa arened,"

"Kuidas see võimalik on?" olin ma hämmelduses.
"Noh, tead küll, kuidas see juhtub. Kõigepealt inimene meeldib sulle, siis sa kiindud temasse ja siis..."

* "Armastus?" Jason oli siiralt üllatunud.
Vaatasin talle kangekaelselt otsa. "Jah,"
"Aga .. kuidas?"

"Nii nagu need asjad ikka juhtuvad. Kõigepealt inimene meeldib sulle, siis sa kiindud temasse ja siis..."

Ta segas mu jutule vahele. "Ei, ei, sellest saan ma aru. Ma ei saa aru, kuidas sa mind armastada saad?" *

Me olime Jake'iga sarnasemad, kui ma kunagi arvasin.
Ja ma veel imestasin, kui ta mingit minu väljendit kasutas... Kurat, ta mõtleb nagu mina. How is this even possible?!

"Aga see ei saa nii ometi olla," veensin ma rohkem ennast kui teda. Nagu teda oleks üldse võimalik vastupidises veenda. Kui juba minu puhul ei töötanud...
"Aga on," vastas Jake rahulikumalt.

"Aga, Jake, ma ei saa sinuga olla," lalisesin mõtlematult.
Mitte et see poleks tõsi. Aga siiski, ma oleks võinud seda teha kuidagi .. pehmemalt.

"Ma tean," vastas poiss kuidagi liigagi lihtsalt, vaadates siis kaugusesse.
Pöörasin pilgule samuti merele, tuletades meelde, kuidas kunagi, kui ma pidevalt Jasoni pärast masetsesin (et miks ta lõpuks minuga juba ei ole? jne), käisin ma kogu aeg mere ääres.

Lainete kohin rahustas mind alati maha, kuid praegu tundsin end üsnagi närviliselt. Ja üldse pani Jake mind tundma end närviliselt.

Nagu Jason kunagi... Ei! Mu tunded Jake'i vastu on kustunud. Punkt.

Tundsin endal Jake'i pilku ja avastasin, et olin taas liiga kaua enda mõtetes olnud.
Nagu alati.

"Ma ei saa teda jätta." ütlesin ma, "Ma armastan teda."
"Aga sa ei armastanud teda kogu aeg."

"Armastus kujuneb aegamööda. Sa ei saanud ju Jasonit armastada enne, kui temaga tuttavaks sai, kas pole?"

"Jaah," venitasin kahtlevalt, saamata aru, kuhu ta tüürib.
"Järelikult oled sa suuteline uuesti armastama," lausus Jake mõtlikult.

"Aga ma armastan praegu teda! Ma ei taha teda mitte armastada."
"Miks sa temas nii kinni oled?"

"Sest .. sest ma armastan teda,"
"Oled sa kindel?"

"Jah, muidugi. Jake, lõpeta, palun."

"Lihtsalt ütle mulle, miks sa ei taha proovida,"
"Ma olen kinni,"



"Ou, kas see Caroline'i rahakott ei ole?" Zack ulatas mulle ainulaadse rahakoti, mis oli vaid Caroline'il.
See oli tehtud eritellimusel - ma kinkisin talle selle meie kahe kuu täitumisel.

"On tõesti." laususin mõtlikult, "Kuidas see siia sai?"
"Keegi ei tea," kehitas Zack ükskõikselt õlgu ja viskas halu lõkkesse.

Pööritasin mõttes silmi. Zacki imelik käitumine Caroline'iga käib mulle tõeliselt närvidele. Ma isegi ei tea, mis selle taga on.

Tõusin püsti.
"Juba lähed?" küsis Zack.
"Viin selle tagasi ja lähen magama," vastasin talle külmalt, kuigi peaksin temaga normaalsemalt käituma - ta mu boss siiski.


Koputasin tüdrukute maja uksele. Avama tuli Cassie.
"Oi, hei, Jason," tervitas ta mind kuidagi närviliselt.
"Hei, Caro jättis oma rahakoti lõkke juurde,"

"Noh, ee, ta on vetsus. Ma annan talle edasi." Tüdruk sirutas käe, et kott mu käest ära võtta.
"Tegelt ma tahtsin temaga rääkida veel,"

"Aa... mm," Cassie vaatas selja taha, vahetades kahtlase pilgu Alasia, Chani ja Alasiaga.
"Mis toimub?" küsisin ma otse.

"Ta .. Caro .. on väljas," lalises Micha kuskilt toa keskelt.
"Ja miks see nii suur saladus on?"

"Ta lihtsalt tahtis üksi olla. Ütles, et me ei segaks teda ega laseks sind ka sinna."
"Ahsoo," teesklesin arusaamist. Tegelikult oli see suhteliselt imelik.

Carole küll meeldis üksindus, kuid et kohe keegi ei segaks ega midagi... Huvitav.
"Aga olgu." laususin lepitavalt, jättes kõrvale kõik kahtlased mõtted, "Ma jätan selle siis siia." Ulatasin Cassiele Caro rahakoti.

Näis, nagu oleks ta just mõttes kergendusesega ohanud. See võis mulle muidugi vaid tunduda.
"Aga dvj siis," lausin tüdrukutele ning lahkusin sealt, käed taskus.


Suundusin parajasti meie maja poole, et olla veidi läpakas ja kirjutada juttu edasi8i, kui märkasin kaugemal, mere ääres, kahte vägagi tuttavat kuju.

Mõtted jutu kirjutamisest lendasid mu peast, kui ma silmi kissitades sain aru, kes seal täpsemalt on.

Caro ja Jake. Jälle. Koos.

Kiristasin vihaselt hambaid. No muidugi nad katavad teda...
Loomulikult ei saanud ma tüdrukuid selles süüdistada - tüdrukud katavad alati üksteist. No ja poisid loomulikult ka..

Aga Caro! Kuidas ta võis seda teha? Jälle?!

Pähe tulid mõtted sellest, kuidas tüdruk mulle (alati) truudust ja armastust tunnistas. Kas ta võis valetada?

Ei, Caro ei ole selline. Kuid miks, kuradi pärast, ta siis jälle Jake'iga on?

Kõndisin rannale lähemale, jäädes ise piisavalt peitu majade ja põõsaste varju, et need kaks seal mind ei märkaks.

Hetke pärast nägin, kuidas Jake Caro suudles. Vnoh, püüdis suudelda. Caro lükkas ta eemale ja hakkas poisile midagi vihaselt rääkima.

Miks ta ära ei lähe?

Tundsin, kuidas armukadedus mu kehas pulbitsema hakkas.


Открой моё сердце #38: Don't do that

Ja ongi kätte jõudnud kaks viimast päeva. 

Sõitsime just Marrawah'st Stanleysse, kus me ka tänase öö veedame. Kuid mitte hotellis seekord. Oo ei, täna saab lõbus olema. Meil on täna lõkkeõhtu!
Marrawah's saime veidi surfamist proovida - seal on lihtsalt suurepärased lained. No ja muidugi sai jälle ujuda ja ns laamendada.

Aga igatahes, tänasest meelelahutusest. Meil on siis mõnus lõkkeõhtu rannas, ööbimine @VDL Stanley, mis koosneb ülinunnudest kämpingumajakestest, kuhu mahub oma viis inimest.

*Vaatamata sellele, et ma olen kogu oma elu elanud Austraalias, täpsemalt Hobortis, paneb mind selle imeline loodus endiselt üllatuma. Ma olen käinud Sydneys, Melbourne'is - ühesõnaga, pmst kogu New South Walesis. Ja teate, mis ma teile ütlen? Las nad (ma ei ole päris kindel, kes need "nad" on, aga suva sellega) kõik räägivad, et Euroopa ja USA on ägedad ja ilusad ja puha .. ei, ma ei usu seda - Austraalia on parim.

Ning meie praegune Tasmaania reis vaid tõestab seda. Googeldage - ja te saate vaid järjekordset tõestust.*


"..ja nad elasid õnnelikult elu lõpuni," lõpetasin ma vist kõige tobedama jutu üldse.

Asi oli selles, et George mõtles, et oleks tore rääkida õhtul mingeid õudukaid või lihtsalt jutte, aga kuna keegi ei teadnud midagi sobivat, leppisime kokku, et lisame igaüks ühe lause.

Nii et meil tuli välja romantiline (no kuidas siis muidu) lugu poisist ja tüdrukust, kuhu oli loomulikult lisatud vampiire ja libahunte (tänud meie Twilighti-fännidele), müstikat, teispoolsust ja paralleelmaailma jne.

Lõbus, kas pole?

Väljas hakkas minema juba jahedaks ning ma hakkasin jääma uniseks sellest kakaokogusest, mida ma ära joonud olin. Vahukommid aitasid tõenäoliselt ka kaasa.

"Läheks juba?" küsisin Chantalilt haigutades.

Tüdruk kehitas õlgu, mis pani mind tegelikult muret tundma. Nii palju kui ma Chanile juhtusin otsa vaatama täna õhtul (ja päeval), oli ta nägu iga kord mures ja kurb. Ning iga kord, kui ta märkas mu pilku, surus ta naeratuse näole. Minu isiklikust kogemusest teadsin liigagi hästi, et ta varjab midagi. Pealegi, kui sa naeratad huultega, siis see ei jõua silmadesse.

Kuid mida ta varjab? Mis on valesti? "Ja teie?"ˇpöördusin ma Alasia, Michelle'i ja Cassie poole, tehes endale mõttes linnukese rea "Saa teada, mis juhtus Chantaliga" ette.
"Ma jään veel," vastas Micha end sirutades ja kohendas end Craigi süles.

Muigasin. Michelle võis küll olla pain in the ass, kui tal halb tuju on, kuid viimasel ajal (mis tähendas umbes paari kuud) oli ta palju rõõmsameelsemaks ja sõbralikumaks läinud. Mõtlesin, et selles võis Craigi osa olla. Ja see oli ju hea.

Peale selle, kes meist ei muutuks, kui me armume?

Heitsin pilgu Jasonile, kes Zackiga millestki rääkis. Kissitasin silmi, kuid lõin sellele siis käega.

Lõppkokkuvõttes oli Jason Zackiga kauem tuttav kui minuga. Ja pealegi, mul ei olnud endiselt õrna aimugi, mis Zacki vihas minu vastu tegelikult peitus.

Äkki on Jasonil siiski õigus? läbis mu pead uitmõte, Hui. Ma ei meeldi talle.
Siiski, mingi sisemine hääl proovis mind veenda, et ma ei või kunagi teada.
You never know, tuli mulle meelde Jasoni lause. Jajah.

"Aga meie küll tuleme," lausus Alasia enda ja Cassie eest. Nähtavasti olid nad sellest juba rääkinud varem.

Tõusin püsti.
"Juba lähed?" kuulsin magusat häält selja tagant.
Seekord polnud see mesimagus, nagu ma kord Jake'i suust kuulsin. See oli lihtsalt hääl, mida ma armastasin selles maailmas kõige rohkem.

Jason põimis oma käed ümber mu piha.
"Sekund tagasi rääkisid sa Zackiga," ma proovisin kõlada mitte süüdistavalt. Seekord isegi õnnestus.
"Noh, jah .. oli vaja arutada mõningaid asju .. tööasju," silmnähtavalt ei tahtnud Jason mind sellesse pühendada.

Olgu peale, mõtlesin, tegeleme sellega siis hiljem.
Andsin Jasonile head-ööd musi - oi, kuidas mulle meeldib nende sõnade kõla - ja suundusin tüdrukutega oma majakesse.


Olin just suud avamas - arutasime parajasti staarkuulsusi, meessoost, loomulikult -, kui õrn koputus uksele meie vestluse katkestas.

"Imelik, et ta meid vaatama tuleb," lausus Cassie vaikselt oma voodist.
Micha noogutas. "Pole just tema moodi jah,"

Kuna keegi neist ilmselgelt ei kavatsenudki ust avada, tõusin kerge vaikse ohkega voodist ja tippisin ukseni. Avasin selle kergelt, jäädes ukse taha peitu. Mul oli siiski pidžaama seljas!

Avastades ukse taga meie klassijuhataja George'i asemel hoopiski kellegi teise, vormus mu suu O-kujuliseks.
Ilmselgelt olete te väga nutikad, kui arvasite ära tulija. Jake.
Aplaus teile.

"Hei," lausus ta, tuues mind mõttemonoloogist välja.
"Hei," vastasin talle, pigistades korraks huuled tugevasti kokku. See oli nagu awkward moment või midagi.

"Ma .. meil oleks vaja rääkida veits," jätkas Jake.
"Ee..." venitasin ma, heites pilgu endale, seejärel tüdrukutele ning uuesti Jake'ile.

"Millest?" küsisin vaiksemalt, sest tüdrukutel, kes olid vaimustunud, et see polnudki George vaid hoopis minu endine (endine!) crush, olid ilmselgelt kõrvad kikkis. Omg.

Jake kummardus mulle lähemale. "Meie plaanist. See on tähtis."
Ohkasin taaskord vaikselt. Mu sisetunne ütles, et see ei tõota head. Oi, kuidas ei tõota! Kuid kas mul oli valikut? Ei.

Seega, hammustasin huulde ning, mõtlemata tulevikult, vastasin: "Olgu,5 minuti pärast rannas."

Jake'i nägu elavnes - miks?! - ja ta noogutas.
Panin tema lahkudes ukse kinni, vaadates märgatavalt elavnenud tüdrukutele otsa.

"Paistab, et keegi on poisile andeks andnud," tõstis esimena häält Micha.
"Ja mitte ainult andeks andnud," Alasia liigutas kulme üles-alla.

Pööritasin mõttes silmi, liikudes vaikselt oma koti juurde. Ma tõesti ei tahtnud mitte kellegagi seda arutada.

*Ma olin küll mõelnud Jake'i plaani peale ja värki, aga ma sain aru, et ma ei suuda. Ma ei suuda Jasonile haiget teha. Ma ei suuda Jake'iga tantsida ja siis tema poolt suudeldud olla. Asi pole isegi mitte Jasonis - kellele ma loomulikult ka haiget teeksin -, asi oli minus. Tunded Jake'i vastu, nii palju, kui neid siis oli (ee.. mingi pool kuud ehk? Ja siis Jasoni juurde tagasi.), olid ammu kustunud. Ta oli mulle lihtsalt sõber.

Ja veel mina. See on küll imelik või midagi, kuid .. selle suudlusega ei teeks ma haiget ainult Jasonile, vaid ka endale. See oleks nagu enesepete või midagi. Sest ma teadsin, et Jake ei meeldi mulle poisina. Ja kui ma meie 'mängu' tõttu peaks seda tegema, oleks ma .. murtud. Murtud, sest ma ei petnud ainult Jasonit vaid ka ennast.

Peab olema mingi muu võimalus.*

"Palun, tüdrukud... See ei ole nii, nagu te arvate seda olevat. Meil on lihtsalt vaja rääkida."
"Jaa-jaa, muidugi," jätkas Michelle.

Kiristasin vaikselt hambaid, tõmmates jalga-selga paar tundi tagasi seljas olnud asjad: teksad, must topp ja helesinine pusa. Veel tõmbasin jalga mustad ketsid.

"Ärge oodake mind," pressisin läbi hammaste.
Ning läinud ma olingi.


Ei, ükskõik, mida ta mulle ka öelda kavatseb, Stanley ilu sellest ei muutu.

Lähenedes merele, nägin Jake'i istumas kividel. Seal oli udu ja see lisas mingisugust müstilisust. Tavaliselt on selline ilu vaid reklaamis.

Ka sellised asjad, nagu su elus toimuvad, juhtuvad vaid teleseriaalis, kõlas mu peas kaine mõistuse lause, Õigus jaa.

"Sa tahtsid rääkida," sõnasin, laskudes Jake'i kõrvale.
"Jah," Jake justkui ärkas unest, "me peaks plaaniga alustama."

"Ee..." alustasin ma ebalevalt, "ma just täna mõtlesin sellest."

"Ma .. ma .. ei suuda seda teha, Jake." pahvatasin ma ning, laskmata tal midagi öelda, jätkasin kiirustades: "Ma ei suuda teha haiget Jasonile. See murraks mu südame."


Tegelt see koht, kus Jake ja Caroline istusid on Devil's Cauldron, Whale Beach, Dolphin Bay, Sydney, NSW, Australia.
Aga kuna selle jutu tegevus ei toimu Sydneys, otsustasin seda imelist kohta siinkohal kasutada.