#17: There's sth inside it

"Don't, Angel," 
But Angel continued to poke me with her little paw. She hated when I cried. 

At least one smart animal who knows that most people don't deserve your tears. These, however, who deserve, they won't make you cry. I always told myself that when someone made me cry. And the truth was that Jason never did. Until now ... 

"Okay, okay." I gave up, then got up and swept the tears. "Enough, right?" 
This answer satisfied her. She sat on my lap, looking very contented. Unfortunately, however, I couldn't keep her on my lap now. I had to go again.

* In the past, when I wanted to be alone, I just went out on the balcony or just sat in my room with headphones. After that, when Jason came into my life, I needed more space. I don't know what it was caused by, but it was this way. In fact, it was useful after all. I started to go out more, to breathe more fresh air. And I felt free. Neither in the forest or by the sea .* 

I put on more comfortable clothes: changed new jeans to the old ones, put on another shirt and of course changed my boots, gothic blues, which I usually put on by going to the forest, - instead of 12 cm high heels, that I had at school. I put on my autumn jacket, also the gloves and a hat. I was ready to go. 

"Where to now?" asked my mother, who dried her hands - probably washed the dishes or something. "Going for a walk," I said, arranging the hat in front of the mirror. 

"This is good, it's good,"
"I'm going now, bye!" 

Without waiting for the mother's response, I stepped out. There was twilight outside again.
It's like a tradition now. Playing "Twilight". I chuckled at my blithering. Although I liked "Twilight", I didn't want to participate in it. My own 'fairytale' is enough. 

Inevitably I started thinking about the previous walk. I wasn't sure if I want meet Jake again. Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid of that .. that I still like him. 

* I have liked Jason for two years, it's third now. It was unique. Previously, I went to another school where I wasn't lucky. I mean, couldn't got along with my classmates, and because of that I was abused. I didn't even know until the end why. They just didn't like me and stuff. I didn't want to act like they wanted me to. But that's it. 

I went to a new school to get peace, a new life. It was easy for me to choose a new school - I knew Cassie and Chantal, so .. it was successful. But this place that I came to start a new life .. Falling in love immediately. It was unique and even funny at times. Cassie and Chan were laughing the whole time, that I know how to be successful. I had to agree with them. I just wanted a new start, not .. Yes, not someone to fall in love with. And the most stupid was that at the beginning I didn't know what to do. Like really, I attend the new class, and immediately start liking someone. This even sounds weird, not mentioning I'm in it. 

But somehow it all just went. At school, we talked a little with Jason, only the closest friends knew about us (I think that they knew that there is sth). In msn, on the other hand, we could talk for hours. I liked it, although I wanted this thing in real life. Digital age. Gradually we began to talk in school, in high school our class became more open and spare. 

Slowly, I became tired. I didn't like to still be waiting. C'mon, two, three years after all. It drove me mad, when a person know that you like him (I didn't tell him about love, he would have sent me to the lunatic asylum, definitely), and just is . Moreover, even Chan and Cassie - those who supported this .. activity - said that I should "leave" him. Chan, not so much because she thought we would make a good couple. Cassie, however, suggested to find someone else, though she had the same opinion that we would be cute together. 

And I found ... Once again, from the class * facepalm *. Now the victim was Jake. I wondered about myself, how I could have chose for my next crush someone who was so different from Jason.

Jason - quiet, tucked in himself, he is surrounded by people he trusts. 
Jake - socializes with almost all class, has a great fellowship, open, parties and stuff like this, is in Cyle's gang. (As I said before, Cyle is kind of a leader of these popular gang in our class, and also in school. Or one of them.) 

Huh, I Jake's character reference was longer. But yes, they communicate, too, but .. However, they are complete opposites. Cassie said: "But it's good that you chose him. You should get some change." She also added that until I wait for Jason (because I couldn't let him go), I can get to know Jake, after all, so far, that it would be easier to choose.

But Jason ruined my plans. In a good way. He made a choice for me. Just that .. questions that I had before, remained still in the air and .. I still wasn't sure if I like Jake or not. 

The thing is that when I started to like Jason, I hoped (like him) it will go past. It didn't. Even more, I would never have thought that I could love him. But for Jake .. I was sure that this boy will be in my heart as deep as Jason. And I was afraid of that, because wasn't sure whether I want it. But, at the same time, I couldn't just let him go.* 

The steps behind me interrupted my thoughts. * It happened to me all the time - I sank deep into my mind. - if I didn't have my mp3 with me. There was no agitator, and thoughts could easily come.* 

"Are you following me?" I asked as I had turned myself around.
"I wanted to ask just the same,"

"Are you kidding me? I'm the second time in the woods and the second time I meet you here."
"You steal my words again,"

"I do not read your mind," I said to dispel his doubts. 
"It's nice you can't,"

"My thoughts would not be .. pleasant for you."

I didn't want to know more. "Okay," Then I remembered that Jason had said this to me as well. Again, the similarities. Judas! And I thought that they are so different. 

He stepped closer to me. I felt once again, how my heart began to beat faster in anticipation. No, stop, stop! There was a battle inside me.

"Are you scared?" he asked.
I assume that he heard my anxious heartbeats. "No," I lied, because I still had a fear inside. Not that he does something to me, but .. something very strange. I do not even know how to explain it.

"Did you know that lying is not nice?"
I was caught? Nope. "I did not ..."

He cut me off. "I can see it from your eyes, that you're afraid. What are you afraid of?" Without giving me time to reply, he continued: "Me? Think I can do sth to you?"
"No," I answered honestly, because I was sure of this - I was not afraid of Jake, nor that he can do something to me. It was a very different fear.

"What are you afraid of then? Or maybe who?" Jake didn't let it be.
"I do not know," I confessed again.

"Try not to think about it. About the fear, I mean." Jake suggested.
I let myself free, trying not to think of nothing. I breathed deeply. "It helps,"

"I know. I always use this."
"When you are afraid?" It was difficult to imagine that Jake is afraid of something. 

"I'm not afraid of anything. Mostly. I use this, if I need to calm down or something."

"Will you be here for long?"
"I just came. I guess. What time is it?"

"Then I'm only here for half an hour. And I suppose that I am still here for at least as long."

"Then it's nice,"
I decided that nothing bad will happen if I spend some time with Jake. After all, I didn't disallow Jason to socialize with different girls. Moreover, it was not a date or something. "But this time, no one will trouble you?"

"Well, that phone call ..." I started shyly, remembering how Jake behaved then.

Jake's face changed. "No, no, they won't trouble us," he said in a voice, which didn't allow to discuss this topic anymore.
Well, I wasn't about continuing this. "Then it's nice," I answered with his own words, and we headed to the depth of the forest.

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